Utter clutter

That's how I've felt today in my head. So messy and unmanageable. Very soon it will be four years since my ex and I broke up. We didn't talk for quite some time in between. I genuinely loved and cared for him. I know I'll delve onto a post about him sooner or later .. My minds a twisted myriad of crap at the moment. He calls and checks up on me now and then. Yesterday being one if those days. We don't talk on a regular basis at all. But when I felt myself falling into the deep despair before I knew her, he was the one I would ..'try' to reach out to. Not for advice, not even for comfort. But to listen. My verbal beating post. Because sometimes.
I get tired of my own voice.
I get tired of the things it says in my head.
I get tired of over analyzing.
He just started seeing someone. The first real one after me. She's managed to move in already too. He says she's good for him. To him. She really cares and loves him and he doesn't want to mess that up. I think he shouldn't want to either. Over the last few months I should say, I'd seen him twice. He's been over while Chris is at work and never stays long. The few texts. The calls. He'd started to keep them from her. Til I let him realize.. If she did it to him, he wouldn't take too lightly to it.
Chris... Has too many exes to count. He's introduced me to 1 while we were friends and 2 while we were dating. Heh imagine that right....
Introduce the old to the new...
I felt stupid both times. The first one while we were dating thought I didn't like her. She spent no time with me to come up with that deduction. The second one filled me in about how much they talked about me like I was broken and in need of fixing.
I've proven myself and my faithfulness time and time again so .. But for the sake of the new relationship Mike is in. Despite the fact he says it feels like she smothers him. I keep my distance...
We agreed that there was to be no check ins or check ups. Nothing hidden from his current beau.
But today he asks of my plans for Friday. I have none. I have no car. No money. And a toddler. I ask why. He said he wanted to stop by. I take the opportunity to remind him that we can't have it unless he plans to tell his girlfriend.

Silence.
He catches me on AIM and says he fell asleep.
I ask if he got my reply. He hadn't.
I would be upset if the roles were reversed and Chris did this to me. But he's done worse. In my time if need I was neglected. I was lied to over and over again. Misled and misused. I feel bad for having my ex here. Not for Chris .. I just know my own hurt. I'm not saying he deserves it. But I didn't either.

I don't know if I'll see him tomorrow.
It may bother me if I do.
But everybody needs somebody. Sometimes.

Sent from my iPhone