I don't know why I find music so appealing. I lay blame on my parents. Music surrounded them almost 90% of the time. We loved to dance, to sing, to have a good time and expressed it. And that didn't change with age. I can still remember going over to my parents for my Dad's birthday on Christmas Eve when we didn't decide to have a party and just cutting loose with Michael Jackson music blaring. Drunk as skunks. But not stupid. (not completely). Sometimes ..we recorded our fun. And somehow, those videos are unfound today.
They've vanished.
And then I get lost in thought.
Last week we were toasting my brother's 27th birthday and talk of wedding came up. I believe I was dicussing fashion with my mom for an upcoming event we have this weekend, Chris' friend is getting married. And Chris, of all people said that having a bar alone would put us in the red. His family, mainly his mother's side, loves to drink. There's never been affair attended when she didn't drink. Her brother is the exact same. Maybe it's the irish blood that lines their veins. Maybe it's to run away from their lives. Maybe they ..just enjoy it that much.
Who am I to say.
The weekend of the 4th I took him to my cousin's home for a small BBQ and fireworks. While there they played some...cultural music from Trinidad (the island that I'm from)...
It's music mainly played at weddings. I made a small joke and said if we were to ever get married I would want a group like that. He nodded and let it roll off his shoulder, I assume.
The two weeks prior, at his mother's home where we had Jaiden's 2nd 2nd Birthday Party (we had thrown the first 2nd Birthday Party at the apartment the weekend before), I was making coffee for my mom, Chris and my brother's girlfriend with the help of his mother. While in the kitchen, he came in. Seeing all the cups he asked "Who are these for?" his mother's reply? I don't know if he even heard her.."Well this one is for you, one for your mother-in-law and one for Jimmy's girlfriend."....my jaw hit the floor instantly. But I couldn't look at him. I couldn't ...
I know ...What am I getting at?
I don't know. Part of me wishes he'd taken that step so long ago, so much would have been avoided. But then again, if it is who he is, it might not have been. I'd not just be a girlfriend who's able to just walk away. I'd be bound to him by marriage, by law. But as the law can make it, the law can break it, right?
I guess if he'd taken the risk so long ago I wouldn't have this much hate, this much resent for who he is today. For what he does.
If he does what he's doing today I'd be just as hurt, regardless of being his wife or not.
I harbor more than anger, like I imagine he does.
We've both created monsters of who we were. Isn't that cruel?
I had it in me to walk away before Jaiden, why did I let him pull me back. Why did he wait all those years? Why did I stay after all the lies. The mistakes, I ask myself over and over. And I can't come up with an answer that surpasses or makes the only one I have sound so childish and naive. "I love him." or should that read 'I loved him.' now?
I don't know.
My actions, my constant suspicion is so unhealthy.
I was asked if he ever saw the things I write what would he say?
My reply to her?
He'd hate me more than he does. He would nod his head and agree that he is all those things and has done all those things and he'll walk away. He's never been one for confrontation of any sort. Very passive. In every way.
I might have misjudged his complacency for understanding and caring.
I might have misjudged his patience for not caring.
I might have been wrong from the start because I wasn't looking for the bad in him ...just the good.
But I was young and foolish.
And every time I look at him I get foolish all over again because I just can't own up to the fact that all of this might be my mistake.
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