I know

I always know when somethings wrong. I knew the first time and when confronted, he lied. So I expected no different when it looked like it was happening again. It's not a habit. But when the feeling strikes. I look. And both times I was right.

It's 3.14Am now and I'm still uneasy. Why? Vegas is coming. I watched him get drunk tonight and heard him say it's what he does when he's away. He spends most of his time when he's not working, drunk. Only need 4 hours of recovery time. I don't doubt it's what he does. But the reminder of San Francisco and Los Angeles weighs heavier as the time draws nearer.
Will it happen again?
Someone new?
Someone not?
Will I know?

I'm upset at the wrong time for something I can't help and nothing can reassure me. Not even him because he's lied so many fucking times it's beyond forgiveness. I live with fear not love in my heart.
I want the strength to face this and I can't.
Every waking day that void grows and the pain fills it.
Are you that lonely?
Are you that needy?
Greedy? Selfish?

What is it that compels you that you can't face?
What drives you beyond knowing you've got it fucking MADE and you want more?

You're in pain right now and I hope it hurts ... Really hurts. It's upsetting who put you there because all he becomes is someone in my family for you to ill speak and hate... Someone for you to avoid.
But I hope this pain stays with you. Til I inflict my own that resides in you. It should be a constant and painful reminder of every lie, every wanton thought that wasn't for me while with me. Every text. Every call. Every picture. Every secret meeting.
I want it to hurt you for twice as long as you've hurt me.

And I want you to know why.
Because I know.

Sent from my iPhone