I've heard that used a lot over the last few days. Most recently? This morning. As I'd said, I'd taken it upon myself to run...and not allow myself to be available to Jay over the last few days. I hadn't spoken to him since the wee hours of Saturday morning. Til he caught up with me last night or sometime this morning. The time line usually evades me.
But he'd brought me up to date on what his weekend was like, and the fact that it was Sunday night, he was out til whatever the time and on his arrival home, his son, who should have been asleep, was not. His wife was well in on blaming him for that.
In the past, we've never discussed spousal woes. If we mentioned them, it was always in good nature or in general comparison. He was now seeking solitude away from an angry wife and hopefully, a sleeping kid. Conversation moved towards a new TV show he'd fallen into dealing with Aliens and a lot of conspiracy theories of the earth, life, who humans were and the like. I, know little of any of it because I believe it all to be baloney, but I don't have the words to express my disagreement or even if I agreed, I couldn't share. But he was all about it and I guess I indulged him. His thirst for knowledge has always been appealing.
He's a very, very intelligent man.
After a long while of listening to him and not really paying attention, for various reasons, one being, which I flat out TOLD him, was I don't know much about the topic, so instead of making stupid remarks which would make me sound like an asshat, I'll say "Hey I don't know. But I don't mind listening".
Another thing I come to find out is, with all the crap he relays to me about TV shows or whatever, is because he knows I'll look at it and be able to discuss with him in the future. Which is cool. I don't mind. It's happened in the past and we have a great length of conversation. We have a lot in common as far as how we feel or what we look for in friends, partners.
Throughout the conversation he's made many attempts to repeat the naughtiness and I've curve-balled it every time to something...not that.
we talked about being pregnant, his own desire for more children spawned another deep conversation which ended in me knowing his wife may be incapable of having more due to the first putting her body into a chemical imbalance.
She would need medicine to even it out and even then, as expensive as it would be, would not be a guaranteed fix.
I was saddened to hear that.
For both of them. I also know that they were considering adoption as well. Which is great.
We spoke of my own complications during labor. If it's one thing I've always noticed about him, he's appreciative of women. He acknowledges that his wife works hard and enjoys her job. Hut with her lack of caring comes a nasty attitude.
I recalled later on in the conversation, I told him I was jealous of his wife because she could enjoy him anytime she wanted. Meaning his company, his humor. His intelligence.
And he might have misunderstood me because his reply after shocked me.
He said that their sex life is...suffering incredible.
Apparently his wife put on quite a bit of weight. And it's a year and a half later, and she's gotten progressively worse. I asked if it was due to the pregnancy. He said at first, she did gain some weight from it, but after that...she just stopped caring, and it ballooned. I haven't seen a reent picture of her, perhaps one after she had their son, but that's about it.
He then said something that I recollect saying, myself. He feels they're like good friends/roommates, rather than married. He relied on porn. And he's resigned in the fact that if they got divorced, she'd lose the weight. And if they didn't she won't.
With his words, I heard my own echo.
I gave spurts of my own pain.
Now..speaking to a man who obviously has feelings for me, and letting him know that the man I WANT ..doesn't want me. Will and has, and may continue to tell me 'No' should I want to be intimate, made him wonder, how could...anyone say 'no' to me.
"he's got someone amazing at home and if he's saying no, he's looking elsewhere.."
and I verified it with a "he has tried." and been caught. I let him know my pregnancy was misery. He was never around. The first year after having our child, I cried every, single, day. I know depression. I know loneliness.
He couldn't see it.
He couldn't fathom, wanting me, not being able to have me, and someone who can have me anytime he wants, saying no. I let the conversation go with his words ..a reminder, not that I thought it was, but I never pried to find out otherwise. "No, the grass isn't greener on the other side."
..and he's right on all accounts. I thought Jay would be the kind of man to be happy. To..'make it work'. And from his words, he said he's tried. Tried for him, tried for them. And she keeps shooting him down due to whatever she's dealing with.
I feel differently speaking to him now. More cautious. I don't want to be a reason for ANYTHING.
Yet he feels differently. He feels he can tell me everything, complain about anything, anyone, and I'd never judge him. I'd listen, as a friend should. I was his 'precious'. O.o
I eventually fell asleep while speaking to him. Woke up 20 minutes after he'd already gone.
Saw him later today and apologized.
And brought none of it up.
Who needs any reminders.
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