I find when I talk about things without being allowed to over analyze them, I may get a better perspective of what I may be doing wrong. I know I have a habit of wanting to be right. (so he says).
"I'm not a perfect person.."
This song is the epitome of how he makes me feel. I know I've made mistakes. I've said things in anger and hurt and I can't reverse any if it. I can't erase the pain .. The wounds words leave behind for I have many ...
I spend a great deal of time talking to someone who, under any good circumstance .. I might have never met. She allows me the space and time to just release whatever energy I need to.. Be it positive or negative.. And she bears with me. She doesn't sugarcoat any if her advice or opinions ..for that I'm glad because when I talk to her I take my 'handle with care' sign down ....
She has nothing to gain or lose if I choose to listen or turn a deaf ear to her. Unbiased. But she is and has helped me in an extraordinary way. I do try to never be overbearing because everyone has their own troubles to handle.
I lose myself a lot and when turmoil finds me before I find myself I turn to her first ... I don't know why. I needed her in the beginning. It's Been a lil while and though I stumble around a fair deal still ... I'm trying to cope on my own.
She knows how grateful I am for all she's done for me but I feel the need to say my 'thank yous' every now and then.
More than a stranger
Less than a friend
I didn't know what I was doing
You let me voice what I couldn't have otherwise penned
More than a stranger
Less than my friend
I feel greedy for stealing your time
But without you I'd be at wit's end.
More than a stranger
Maybe a friend
The days carried on with our words throughout the hours
I found a familiar voice whenever I hit 'send'.
More than a stranger
Maybe my friend
I've never met you
But this was closer than I'd intend.
More than a stranger
Just like a friend
Just like a woman; me
One I never thought I'd befriend.
Far from a stranger
From your point of view, I don't know where I stand
I don't know much except you're there for me when I need you
If with no words, but with an unseen friend's comforting hand.
-7.611.
2.07am
I know I'm not as strong as she is.
Maybe one day I will be.
Whenever I think back of how this became, it ails me. To know just what lengths I went to to find out who she was. And why she was. Which was, nothing at all, nothing harmful, that is. At her own accord. Not his.
I enjoy the fact, as morbid as this may sound, that the miles that separate us don't matter ..our problems are more oft than not, similar, but unique to the individual dealing with them. We are, two different people, of course.
I know she shares with me. I feel proud of the fact that she does.
I feel, less of an exile when we speak, rather than sitting here in this small apartment with the one person I love second to one, more than life itself, and infuriates me in the same breath, more than anything.
I find solace in just knowing, someone so far away...cares enough to not leave me on my knees when I didn't need a hand, but just a voice to urge me upward and forward.
I wasn't seeking anything.
But I accept the encouragement she brings me.
Thank you Sharra.
I absolutely love this in a million ways but mostly because it can work in reverse as well. I genuinely am so thankful for our friendship. I've had strange entanglements before but this one feels different, powerful. I find myself dreaming of ways to officially meet you so our friendship can not be hidden, something I'd usually turn my back on but wouldn't dream of leaving you.
ReplyDeleteYou do for me as well. Always caring, interested, thoughtful. You don't judge me and you see me as I hope to be always but really am only part time - wise and strong. You remind me how important writing is, not just for you but for me. I love that you look to me for inspiration, safety, and perspective. I love that you allow me the freedom to share my experiences.
Funny, when I met Chris I told him I thought we met so I could help him learn to fond the joy in the life he was choosing. Now I'm more convinced then ever he was simply the catalyst, the stepping stone, between you and I.
Thank you for writing.
I've met thousands of people in my life. I can only say I have a handful, if even enough to consider a handful, that I can truly reveal myself. Perhaps my perception in wrong in those I've chosen as friends, but I know none worth mentioning that i can comfortably say any of what I've said to you, how I feel, be it ugly or not.
ReplyDeleteChris will be one of those people to take for granted the many people he will meet. I don't know his direction. I possibly never will. He'll never see past face value of a person. But in all my angst, in all my anger, I am glad for the day he met you.
I honestly, cannot wait for the day I can meet you face to face, and then be able to turn to him and say thank you.