I'll start by saying this - I'm glad I found someone, a friend that I can be totally and completely honest with. As she said, and assures me time and time again, she'll never judge me. As I would never, her. But needless to say the last day, yes, the last day, was almost ...it was..it HAD to be a dream.
I felt wrong on all accounts EXCEPT how wonderfully alive I felt.
I'll explain why I felt wrong after.
He reminded me of the time at the end, the time of when we actually started talking last night. He said he'd been on the phone from around 11.30pm til around 12.30am when he messaged me. Intent was a joke. Neither one of us expected to still be awake and still online at 9am the following morning. Nevertheless, it was the usual. I made fun of him for something he posted on facebook. He made fun of me ..name calling back and forth. It initially started with him sending me a link to a song on youtube. "Eminem - Go to sleep, bitch." My response was,
"That's exactly how I feel about you. "
... if anyone knows Eminem and his lyrics, they're very crass. Not nice. And pretty much self explanatory.
His retort? Caught me off guard. I had that o.O lofted brow look on my face as I started into the screen.
"Oh, so you feel about me? I never said I feel about you. I might have sent that to you by accident."
Needless to say the comical banter went on for some time. I'd say a couple hours in, perhaps around 3, he was getting ready to go. Said he had a long day ahead of him. So he would try to rest. So I relayed my good nights ..when he said "Oh I thought you were married. No name change?"
Since I entered my relationship with Chris and its 2 year mark had dawned I changed my status on facebook to married simply because of the mass messages I would get if I was single labelled. Same deal on MySpace. It always read, "married". I needed them to keep away. I could count on both hands and feel the numbers that would spam my inbox, the names, the invites to parties. And I didn't have anything sultry posted on my profiles either. I was a teacher, a well respected icon and role model to many students in the community. All younger than I. I had a reputation to keep and uphold.
So I would never post unacceptable pictures of myself on there to invite such ....men. But there they were.
So I let him know that we'd been together so long that people just assumed we were married. And as well to keep the creeps away. Once again, conversation poured out of us back and forth, never an awkward or silent moment between us. And this is how it's always been. We could talk for HOURS on end about nothing at all.
By this hour I had left my PC and retired to my bed with my iPhone to keep my conversation rolling. Granted it was delayed and I was lost in post turns. Only to receive them later and be ...baffled.Now the talk had transgressed onto how we became old in a matter of blinks. When did we become our parents? Age seemed so foreign to us. Comparing stories of how outsiders would see us with our children or families and think we were babies ourselves. When did we grow up? Amidst all the bills and kids.
He agreed. And then it came.
He brought up the night ..the last night I'd seen him some 7 or 8 years ago. I'd told him I was a virgin still. He was right. I was then, and for a long while after that night. After him.
And the memories came rushing back. We had NEVER gone back to that night since he and I started speaking on facebook, since we both had kids, wives, boyfriends. Whathaveyou.
He let me know he genuinely had a thing for me. I was one of the few girls he'd taken an honest and serious liking to after his return from the marines and that night, ...was the night he put ME first instead of his own desires. And when I had said I was a virgin, his mind said "You can't.." and he ...his words...said he wasn't worthy of what I had, to be taken. Because he would have pushed me away thereafter. He wasn't in the right place in his mind, in his life ..to do that to me and then live with it.
I let him know he did me the greatest honor in telling me no. I asked for no explanation that night nor did I last night but was given it freely. And it made me happy. I recalled the days I would drive to his home, we would have a movie date, or a pizza date, or just to hang out front by the car. Again, he found it in him to let me know how I made him feel. I stirred emotions and feelings so deep, I was desireable. Wanted. BUT his previous girlfriend ...was a lot like me. Four years together and she cheated on him every chance she got. He called us the conservative types.
He thought I would be just like her.
So without knowing where we would be had we done the deed, he stepped back and gave me a chance. He knew I was a good person but my virtue was too much for him to walk away with. And he was possibly right. Back then, I was young, naive. I considered myself lost in the idea of 1 boy, 1 girl. The Fairytale Syndrome, as I like to call it. I would have latched onto him and suffocated him. And him being who he is, the type of guy he was, would have ran for the hills.
I filled him in on my still now inexperience. I've only ever been with 2 men in all my almost 30 years. Kissed a handful if that many. By laid with only 2. And with all my heart I want it to remain so.
He admitted, he wasn't ready for any type of relationship then. But the attraction was so strong.
He said that to this day whenever he goes to the place we had our pizza date, he recalled where we sat, and recalls that date still. Again, I was swooning. Not at him, but at the idea that someone thought about ME. Desired ME. Those simple innocent words made me feel loved, as crazy as that sounds.
"I can picture the moment of looking down at your body, the desire for you... and having to stop and then hear u talk can drive me mad...
I just valued what you had more then anything further, i felt like we had a future but idk it wasn't certain and in my head that split second it had to be certain. you were too good for that moment in my life and it sucks looking back lol"
And he lets me know, I hope, jokingly, that when next he has a moment to himself, it'll be us and I wouldn' t have said anything at all.
"I hope you don't mind me borrowing you."
...it made me laugh. I honestly asked myself if he had without my 'permission' before. Once again, on his way to bed. A promise to meet again on the privacy of his...wherever he chose. The idea of being someone else's fantasy had me wide smiled. So we said our good nights. Again.
A few moments later, he returned and said I'd been told too much. I needed to be FLASHED.
And from that moment, the conversation found a deep ...quiet corner. Just him and I. Lost in that night, the last night I ever saw him. He baited my memory of us outside on the car, legs wrapped around him, just how much it turned him on. From the way I talked, the sound of my voice, everything about me excited him. Our words because whispers in that corner. He told me how much he loved certain pictures I had on Facebook, what he would do with the exposed flesh of my neck, where my lips ought to be...Illicit, naughty words ...hours had gone by ...and the desire and the want that enveloped me was soon being riddled by the fear of what I was doing.
I was testing the waters with a married family man. His wife had just left for work, it was just after 5am. drawing near 6...
How my little frame wanted to just melt into the sheets that I occupied alone.
My hands found refuge on my chest only to feel my heart racing. Fingertips refreshing the page because of the technological lag between the web he was using and the phone I was using.
Every word drew a dirty picture. Descriptive words of want, need. More than lust but not love.
It was so enticing. I held my breath the moment I realized what I was doing. I'd NEVER done that with someone. Not even Chris.
But he was unphased. And I followed suit with every word he gave.
Feeding his desire.
Until the very end ..his words...
"Thank you for indulging my fantasy tonight...I'm going to come home and cum buckets thinking of you. " ..it make me laugh...terminology aside, it made me ache inside.
This was someone I was so drawn to years ago and released due to the fact he and I had both moved on and resumed a friendship after so many years.
This person made me feel so amazing ..
Even if it was just words. Even if it would never be real.
I felt so....complete.
Even in a dream, it felt whole.
Because that's all I'll acknowledge this as. He himself said he'll come home, re-read all this and explode as he hits delete because it never happened. He asked if I'd be awake, if I'd be around. I said I didn't know...but at least I know what he'd be doing.
I awoke with the word "Epic!" left via text.
..I awoke.
Because it was a fantastic dream.
And he lets me know, I hope, jokingly, that when next he has a moment to himself, it'll be us and I wouldn' t have said anything at all.
"I hope you don't mind me borrowing you."
...it made me laugh. I honestly asked myself if he had without my 'permission' before. Once again, on his way to bed. A promise to meet again on the privacy of his...wherever he chose. The idea of being someone else's fantasy had me wide smiled. So we said our good nights. Again.
A few moments later, he returned and said I'd been told too much. I needed to be FLASHED.
And from that moment, the conversation found a deep ...quiet corner. Just him and I. Lost in that night, the last night I ever saw him. He baited my memory of us outside on the car, legs wrapped around him, just how much it turned him on. From the way I talked, the sound of my voice, everything about me excited him. Our words because whispers in that corner. He told me how much he loved certain pictures I had on Facebook, what he would do with the exposed flesh of my neck, where my lips ought to be...Illicit, naughty words ...hours had gone by ...and the desire and the want that enveloped me was soon being riddled by the fear of what I was doing.
I was testing the waters with a married family man. His wife had just left for work, it was just after 5am. drawing near 6...
How my little frame wanted to just melt into the sheets that I occupied alone.
My hands found refuge on my chest only to feel my heart racing. Fingertips refreshing the page because of the technological lag between the web he was using and the phone I was using.
Every word drew a dirty picture. Descriptive words of want, need. More than lust but not love.
It was so enticing. I held my breath the moment I realized what I was doing. I'd NEVER done that with someone. Not even Chris.
But he was unphased. And I followed suit with every word he gave.
Feeding his desire.
Until the very end ..his words...
"Thank you for indulging my fantasy tonight...I'm going to come home and cum buckets thinking of you. " ..it make me laugh...terminology aside, it made me ache inside.
This was someone I was so drawn to years ago and released due to the fact he and I had both moved on and resumed a friendship after so many years.
This person made me feel so amazing ..
Even if it was just words. Even if it would never be real.
I felt so....complete.
Even in a dream, it felt whole.
Because that's all I'll acknowledge this as. He himself said he'll come home, re-read all this and explode as he hits delete because it never happened. He asked if I'd be awake, if I'd be around. I said I didn't know...but at least I know what he'd be doing.
I awoke with the word "Epic!" left via text.
..I awoke.
Because it was a fantastic dream.
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