Dying inside

Literally in tears "try.." he says. I happened to catch him, yet again watching lesbian porn this morning and once more the sense of dejection and the reminder of how many times I get rejected comes to mind. When I spoke to the second woman.. She asked if we have sex.. I think I lied because I said yes. We don't except if he's in the mood..
We have sex twice a month at most.
I asked him if he finishes when he watches porn. "on occasion .." yet I have to beg and be turned down so many times. What about my needs?
I hate myself every waking moment...
Every day I have to go through this hollow hell.
So used.
"is it me?"....
"no"....
"so why am I rejected..?"....
"I don't have an answer for you."
I can't hold on like this...

Someone else has to love me better than this ..
Someone else needs to want me better than this..
I can't hold on anymore. All the lonely nights in an empty bed. The wet pillow cases. The loveless motions and vacant words. Someone wake him up or save me before I fall to unmendable pieces...

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