Oh today has been one of the most hectic days I've had in a long time.
Why? Dealing with bills and money I don't have or have no access to.
On paper, I'm a single, unemployed resident of the US. Not a citizen. ON paper, I have a shit ton of debt, a clean driving record and a daughter who, on paper, I can't support.
It's never always been like this.
I had to switch accounts today because of some internal financial crap my parents are going through. So they wanted my name on nothing that could be taken away from me. I have a hidden bank account with about, 100$ in it, and I own my own car. That's it. What did me in?
My pregnancy. I paid, for everything myself. All the bills, the doctors visits, all my medication, my supplies for whatever complications I endured. I paid for it all myself. Sonograms. Mine. Chris. paid. Nothing.
My fault. :)
Now that he'd moved in, the first year and a half, I paid half the rent, and all the utilities, I bought groceries, I paid my own bills and with help from my parents, took care of Jaiden. I used my unemployment check. My savings. whatever I could. Til...
Again. MY FAULT.
Now, every month like clockwork, my account suffers a huge hit with late fees, or insufficient fund fees when bills are deducted and there's no money there. Why? Chris sucks. I have to BEG him for the money every month to pay the bills he KNOWS is coming. Repeatedly, over and over again.
Why can't he make the money available to me to get what I need to get done?
After almost 3 years of not working, my monetary confinement as now suffocated me and there's nothing I can do.
I hate asking him over and over again for checks or cash every month. I'm taking money from my parents to tide things over so I don't get these fees but it's an inconvenience to them as well. And I don't hide that fact. I want him to feel guilty that I have to turn to them so damn often. How can you call yourself a man when you fail at providing? When I mentioned this to him recently, his only retort was.."I need money to go to Vegas." What the FUCK!
If he won't take care of his own shitty credit, why ruin what's left of my good one?! Seriously? Vegas?
So within the next 4 days I look forward to begging for rent, food, utility money for the week that he's going to be gone since it's the first of the month. Rent. Money for groceries or food for the week. Diapers. Lights. Cable. Internet. Phone. I have a prescription for Jaiden that would need to be filled.
It's not hit fault but he makes it difficult and looks at me like I'm raping his account when I ask. And I have to ask every time. He could do me a small favor and either make the money available to me or giving the money to me without me having to beg every month, watch all the fees and then feel like shit when I ask.
I hate relying on unreliable people.
I hate relying.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I believe in denial to be accepted.
I don't know why I wanted the title to be that. It seemed fitting. Maybe I'll understand why later.
Talking to a friend last night for a brief moment, she relayed a topic I ought to put a little focus on and maybe write about.
"Denial of something you believe in, to be accepted."
My name? - No. I have never denied my name. It reminds me of a family now gone, but never forgotten. It reminds me of the love my parents have for me in the name's background itself.
My religion? - No. I have never denied it, but I don't embrace it either. Religion has taught me a lot, and not just my own. I appreciate that my family didn't shove their beliefs down my throat and allowed me to explore other virtues.
Maybe it's me and I just have always led a straightforward life about who I am, what I'm about. Or maybe I don't have the right words to ...say otherwise.
Talking to a friend last night for a brief moment, she relayed a topic I ought to put a little focus on and maybe write about.
"Denial of something you believe in, to be accepted."
My name? - No. I have never denied my name. It reminds me of a family now gone, but never forgotten. It reminds me of the love my parents have for me in the name's background itself.
My religion? - No. I have never denied it, but I don't embrace it either. Religion has taught me a lot, and not just my own. I appreciate that my family didn't shove their beliefs down my throat and allowed me to explore other virtues.
Maybe it's me and I just have always led a straightforward life about who I am, what I'm about. Or maybe I don't have the right words to ...say otherwise.
I couldn't
... Laying in bed. 20 to 4. Listening to my iPod fir the first time in forever. Music has filled m space the last few days. And a song comes on now. Jason Walker - you fill my heart .. And the only person who comes to mind. Is Chris. I can't erase him. I'm momentarily upset because of a call I made just a little while ago. Mad at the voice I heard on the voicemail. Mad at where this person is. How close. And what she sent him.
Mad at how often he's said he's in that area.
Mad at wondering and not knowing.
Mad at how often he's said he's in that area.
Mad at wondering and not knowing.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word - Elton John.
Great song that kind if deserves this moment. Sorry can't fix anything lately. Might not fix anything at all.
While talking to Jay this morning. He asked why we aren't married ... Chris and I. I said because he hasn't asked. And I won't rush or force him. Maybe one day he might ask. And I might say yes. He said it sounded like if Chris waited too long I would say no. And ended the statement with "poor guy"....
I have waited 4 years. Known him for about 8. And I'm patient. I really wanted to say I was stupid.
As much shit as he's done to me. Hurt me over and over. And I can't not want to be with him. Be his.
I couldn't see myself with another without aching for him.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, July 25, 2011
The grass is never greener
I've heard that used a lot over the last few days. Most recently? This morning. As I'd said, I'd taken it upon myself to run...and not allow myself to be available to Jay over the last few days. I hadn't spoken to him since the wee hours of Saturday morning. Til he caught up with me last night or sometime this morning. The time line usually evades me.
But he'd brought me up to date on what his weekend was like, and the fact that it was Sunday night, he was out til whatever the time and on his arrival home, his son, who should have been asleep, was not. His wife was well in on blaming him for that.
In the past, we've never discussed spousal woes. If we mentioned them, it was always in good nature or in general comparison. He was now seeking solitude away from an angry wife and hopefully, a sleeping kid. Conversation moved towards a new TV show he'd fallen into dealing with Aliens and a lot of conspiracy theories of the earth, life, who humans were and the like. I, know little of any of it because I believe it all to be baloney, but I don't have the words to express my disagreement or even if I agreed, I couldn't share. But he was all about it and I guess I indulged him. His thirst for knowledge has always been appealing.
He's a very, very intelligent man.
After a long while of listening to him and not really paying attention, for various reasons, one being, which I flat out TOLD him, was I don't know much about the topic, so instead of making stupid remarks which would make me sound like an asshat, I'll say "Hey I don't know. But I don't mind listening".
Another thing I come to find out is, with all the crap he relays to me about TV shows or whatever, is because he knows I'll look at it and be able to discuss with him in the future. Which is cool. I don't mind. It's happened in the past and we have a great length of conversation. We have a lot in common as far as how we feel or what we look for in friends, partners.
Throughout the conversation he's made many attempts to repeat the naughtiness and I've curve-balled it every time to something...not that.
we talked about being pregnant, his own desire for more children spawned another deep conversation which ended in me knowing his wife may be incapable of having more due to the first putting her body into a chemical imbalance.
She would need medicine to even it out and even then, as expensive as it would be, would not be a guaranteed fix.
I was saddened to hear that.
For both of them. I also know that they were considering adoption as well. Which is great.
We spoke of my own complications during labor. If it's one thing I've always noticed about him, he's appreciative of women. He acknowledges that his wife works hard and enjoys her job. Hut with her lack of caring comes a nasty attitude.
I recalled later on in the conversation, I told him I was jealous of his wife because she could enjoy him anytime she wanted. Meaning his company, his humor. His intelligence.
And he might have misunderstood me because his reply after shocked me.
He said that their sex life is...suffering incredible.
Apparently his wife put on quite a bit of weight. And it's a year and a half later, and she's gotten progressively worse. I asked if it was due to the pregnancy. He said at first, she did gain some weight from it, but after that...she just stopped caring, and it ballooned. I haven't seen a reent picture of her, perhaps one after she had their son, but that's about it.
He then said something that I recollect saying, myself. He feels they're like good friends/roommates, rather than married. He relied on porn. And he's resigned in the fact that if they got divorced, she'd lose the weight. And if they didn't she won't.
With his words, I heard my own echo.
I gave spurts of my own pain.
Now..speaking to a man who obviously has feelings for me, and letting him know that the man I WANT ..doesn't want me. Will and has, and may continue to tell me 'No' should I want to be intimate, made him wonder, how could...anyone say 'no' to me.
"he's got someone amazing at home and if he's saying no, he's looking elsewhere.."
and I verified it with a "he has tried." and been caught. I let him know my pregnancy was misery. He was never around. The first year after having our child, I cried every, single, day. I know depression. I know loneliness.
He couldn't see it.
He couldn't fathom, wanting me, not being able to have me, and someone who can have me anytime he wants, saying no. I let the conversation go with his words ..a reminder, not that I thought it was, but I never pried to find out otherwise. "No, the grass isn't greener on the other side."
..and he's right on all accounts. I thought Jay would be the kind of man to be happy. To..'make it work'. And from his words, he said he's tried. Tried for him, tried for them. And she keeps shooting him down due to whatever she's dealing with.
I feel differently speaking to him now. More cautious. I don't want to be a reason for ANYTHING.
Yet he feels differently. He feels he can tell me everything, complain about anything, anyone, and I'd never judge him. I'd listen, as a friend should. I was his 'precious'. O.o
I eventually fell asleep while speaking to him. Woke up 20 minutes after he'd already gone.
Saw him later today and apologized.
And brought none of it up.
Who needs any reminders.
But he'd brought me up to date on what his weekend was like, and the fact that it was Sunday night, he was out til whatever the time and on his arrival home, his son, who should have been asleep, was not. His wife was well in on blaming him for that.
In the past, we've never discussed spousal woes. If we mentioned them, it was always in good nature or in general comparison. He was now seeking solitude away from an angry wife and hopefully, a sleeping kid. Conversation moved towards a new TV show he'd fallen into dealing with Aliens and a lot of conspiracy theories of the earth, life, who humans were and the like. I, know little of any of it because I believe it all to be baloney, but I don't have the words to express my disagreement or even if I agreed, I couldn't share. But he was all about it and I guess I indulged him. His thirst for knowledge has always been appealing.
He's a very, very intelligent man.
After a long while of listening to him and not really paying attention, for various reasons, one being, which I flat out TOLD him, was I don't know much about the topic, so instead of making stupid remarks which would make me sound like an asshat, I'll say "Hey I don't know. But I don't mind listening".
Another thing I come to find out is, with all the crap he relays to me about TV shows or whatever, is because he knows I'll look at it and be able to discuss with him in the future. Which is cool. I don't mind. It's happened in the past and we have a great length of conversation. We have a lot in common as far as how we feel or what we look for in friends, partners.
Throughout the conversation he's made many attempts to repeat the naughtiness and I've curve-balled it every time to something...not that.
we talked about being pregnant, his own desire for more children spawned another deep conversation which ended in me knowing his wife may be incapable of having more due to the first putting her body into a chemical imbalance.
She would need medicine to even it out and even then, as expensive as it would be, would not be a guaranteed fix.
I was saddened to hear that.
For both of them. I also know that they were considering adoption as well. Which is great.
We spoke of my own complications during labor. If it's one thing I've always noticed about him, he's appreciative of women. He acknowledges that his wife works hard and enjoys her job. Hut with her lack of caring comes a nasty attitude.
I recalled later on in the conversation, I told him I was jealous of his wife because she could enjoy him anytime she wanted. Meaning his company, his humor. His intelligence.
And he might have misunderstood me because his reply after shocked me.
He said that their sex life is...suffering incredible.
Apparently his wife put on quite a bit of weight. And it's a year and a half later, and she's gotten progressively worse. I asked if it was due to the pregnancy. He said at first, she did gain some weight from it, but after that...she just stopped caring, and it ballooned. I haven't seen a reent picture of her, perhaps one after she had their son, but that's about it.
He then said something that I recollect saying, myself. He feels they're like good friends/roommates, rather than married. He relied on porn. And he's resigned in the fact that if they got divorced, she'd lose the weight. And if they didn't she won't.
With his words, I heard my own echo.
I gave spurts of my own pain.
Now..speaking to a man who obviously has feelings for me, and letting him know that the man I WANT ..doesn't want me. Will and has, and may continue to tell me 'No' should I want to be intimate, made him wonder, how could...anyone say 'no' to me.
"he's got someone amazing at home and if he's saying no, he's looking elsewhere.."
and I verified it with a "he has tried." and been caught. I let him know my pregnancy was misery. He was never around. The first year after having our child, I cried every, single, day. I know depression. I know loneliness.
He couldn't see it.
He couldn't fathom, wanting me, not being able to have me, and someone who can have me anytime he wants, saying no. I let the conversation go with his words ..a reminder, not that I thought it was, but I never pried to find out otherwise. "No, the grass isn't greener on the other side."
..and he's right on all accounts. I thought Jay would be the kind of man to be happy. To..'make it work'. And from his words, he said he's tried. Tried for him, tried for them. And she keeps shooting him down due to whatever she's dealing with.
I feel differently speaking to him now. More cautious. I don't want to be a reason for ANYTHING.
Yet he feels differently. He feels he can tell me everything, complain about anything, anyone, and I'd never judge him. I'd listen, as a friend should. I was his 'precious'. O.o
I eventually fell asleep while speaking to him. Woke up 20 minutes after he'd already gone.
Saw him later today and apologized.
And brought none of it up.
Who needs any reminders.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Lack of sleep
I've had some strange hours of sleep. Last night was another that ended with mostly restlessness. The heat has rest impossible to find. My daughter wakes me up for breakfast before 7 am. And on my phone.. There he is. We chit chat for a while and he reminds me that he thinks of me often. The me in his head creeps in when he has a moment to himself with nothing to do. It petrified me. I don't want to be someone else's fantasy. Someone who isn't mine. Someone who I don't belong to.
The lack of sleep is making my head hurt.
The thought of someone else makes my heart ache because he's not who I love and adore with all my heart ..
And I am not that some else's someone.
The lack of sleep is making my head hurt.
The thought of someone else makes my heart ache because he's not who I love and adore with all my heart ..
And I am not that some else's someone.
What am I doing. I'm playing on what feels to be dangerous grounds. I don't like this place. I've never been made to feel safe but this... This frightens me.
I can feel myself running. Hiding. My chest aches because it's suddenly hard to breathe but my heart is literally pounding.... As if it's begging to be let out.
Run. Seems safe, right?
Sent from my iPhone
A guilty pleasure
He's been dubbed 'Mr. Fantasy Pants' because its what he said it was. I claimed it was just a dream. Does he become 'Dream Lover'? lol. I don't know. But after said 'dream' he took it upon himself to text me and ask how I was. If I had slept. I welcomed the concern. The attention. No one really ever asks how I am.
He later catches up with me via Facebook, I'd noticed a girl who had left him a message on his page inquiring if he would call. I assumed she was someone who he knew back when. Her default portrayed a very booby girl with and ugly face .. Lol.
He messages me to say it's a pet peeve of his when someone not only does that but leaves a message pertaining to nothing About the post they're adding to. He erased her message or comment or whatever and deleted the girl.
But I also noticed that he changed his own default picture to the one I liked. When he did ... He texted me to say someone has recommended it. Someone = me.
The guilty part? I find myself staring at said picture far too often. It's a great picture of him. Relaxed. Slight smile. Endearing eyes. A melt-into-me pose.
Is this how it feels?
All the time? Thinking about someone else who isn't your partner?
Am I wrong for doing it and feeling guilty?
It has to be. This isn't me. I don't think about other men. I don't want anyone else but Christopher.
He later catches up with me via Facebook, I'd noticed a girl who had left him a message on his page inquiring if he would call. I assumed she was someone who he knew back when. Her default portrayed a very booby girl with and ugly face .. Lol.
He messages me to say it's a pet peeve of his when someone not only does that but leaves a message pertaining to nothing About the post they're adding to. He erased her message or comment or whatever and deleted the girl.
But I also noticed that he changed his own default picture to the one I liked. When he did ... He texted me to say someone has recommended it. Someone = me.
The guilty part? I find myself staring at said picture far too often. It's a great picture of him. Relaxed. Slight smile. Endearing eyes. A melt-into-me pose.
Is this how it feels?
All the time? Thinking about someone else who isn't your partner?
Am I wrong for doing it and feeling guilty?
It has to be. This isn't me. I don't think about other men. I don't want anyone else but Christopher.
So why am I staring at someone else's picture so ... Not so vacantly? I'm not fantasizing about him. I don't think about him. I don't want to BE with him. So why ...
Chris tells me tonight that he loves me. It's more of a "mindy?"
"hm?"
"love you."....type thing to which I reply "I love you too baby. I tell you every day.".
"I know..."
And it's true. I do. And now he does almost every day. But it's rarely an "I love you" ... More of a "love you!" kinda thing ...
So with my obvious withdrawal from him and being lost elsewhere ... Does he know? Can he feel it?
Is my momentary guilty conscience that loud?
Sent from my iPhone
Music
As I begin to write this, I recall my days of treading on Live journal and Dead journal. A lifetime ago. A life I would like to deny today because I made it up. It wasn't real. Not even to me. But the words I wrote were far from fake. No charade in those lyrics. Those stanzas. Music was always my fuel when I write. When I wrote. When I will write. It will ...drive me to finish the incomplete.
It reminds me of a time that was great, a time that was terrible, terrifying, or a time that could be fabulous. Music shifts everything. It makes the bad good, it makes the tears flow free be it joy or sorrow or makes your stomach ache with grief.
My parents were the biggest influence in my life when it came to music. They played everything. No scrutiny in music. If anything, they allowed us a lot of freedom in things, in life. To enjoy, to experiment, to explore.
I used to find ... solace in music. To ease my loneliness, to ease my pain or to make the pain swell so I'd just cry it out. And be done with it. I fought sadness for a long time. Perhaps not sadness like others experience, but sadness nonetheless. I used music to make me feel, so I'd feel no more and forget.
Or I'd use it to bring out the anger, the rage and just release all that negative energy that I pent up in me.
Leo Sayer - More than I can say
Doing the dishes, I sang this song. And realized I didn't have it in my library. Over the years and all my moving, for whatever the reasons, I managed to lose my music quite a few times. Cd's destroyed, collections lost in all the relocating.
Leo Sayer - Sad Eyes
These songs are so beyond my time. before my time. A time when my parents would swoon and recall just who was around when this song played, or why they actually did cry, or who they danced with is it filled the air, or who was walking out which door.
I enjoyed the fact that we could sit with our doors open and ...Michael Bolton would fill the air with no discrimination ...no inhibitions.
Even now, today...music like this would have to find refuge in the quiet corner of your home no not louder for the neighbors to hear.
Where did the appreciation for music, real music, go?
I could sing every word to almost every song by...Journey, Chicago, Rod Stewart, Bryan Adams...if anything, we once owned them, be it vinyl or cassette tapes. Lol.
Music today is...well ...they say nothing is original anymore. All these remakes of all these old song, great songs, some taken and completely ruined.
My daughter may never appreciate the simplistic angles music can bring to your life. She won't get that in the mess that is music today. I hope she does because I play it all the time, if I can help it. But I wouldn't be shocked if ...it completely bypasses her ..
I have the day to myself til around 11pm tonight. And all I've done so far after watching my daughter leave is play a few games, bought a few pictures, working on a picture book and blast music as if it were going out of style. Not the usual radio noise. The good stuff. Old stuff. Great stuff. Like they say "the stuff that memories are made of."
It reminds me of a time that was great, a time that was terrible, terrifying, or a time that could be fabulous. Music shifts everything. It makes the bad good, it makes the tears flow free be it joy or sorrow or makes your stomach ache with grief.
My parents were the biggest influence in my life when it came to music. They played everything. No scrutiny in music. If anything, they allowed us a lot of freedom in things, in life. To enjoy, to experiment, to explore.
I used to find ... solace in music. To ease my loneliness, to ease my pain or to make the pain swell so I'd just cry it out. And be done with it. I fought sadness for a long time. Perhaps not sadness like others experience, but sadness nonetheless. I used music to make me feel, so I'd feel no more and forget.
Or I'd use it to bring out the anger, the rage and just release all that negative energy that I pent up in me.
Leo Sayer - More than I can say
Doing the dishes, I sang this song. And realized I didn't have it in my library. Over the years and all my moving, for whatever the reasons, I managed to lose my music quite a few times. Cd's destroyed, collections lost in all the relocating.
Leo Sayer - Sad Eyes
These songs are so beyond my time. before my time. A time when my parents would swoon and recall just who was around when this song played, or why they actually did cry, or who they danced with is it filled the air, or who was walking out which door.
I enjoyed the fact that we could sit with our doors open and ...Michael Bolton would fill the air with no discrimination ...no inhibitions.
Even now, today...music like this would have to find refuge in the quiet corner of your home no not louder for the neighbors to hear.
Where did the appreciation for music, real music, go?
I could sing every word to almost every song by...Journey, Chicago, Rod Stewart, Bryan Adams...if anything, we once owned them, be it vinyl or cassette tapes. Lol.
Music today is...well ...they say nothing is original anymore. All these remakes of all these old song, great songs, some taken and completely ruined.
My daughter may never appreciate the simplistic angles music can bring to your life. She won't get that in the mess that is music today. I hope she does because I play it all the time, if I can help it. But I wouldn't be shocked if ...it completely bypasses her ..
I have the day to myself til around 11pm tonight. And all I've done so far after watching my daughter leave is play a few games, bought a few pictures, working on a picture book and blast music as if it were going out of style. Not the usual radio noise. The good stuff. Old stuff. Great stuff. Like they say "the stuff that memories are made of."
Thursday, July 21, 2011
A dream.
That's all I'm going to call it. Did it really happen? In words? Yes. And that's all it was. I think.
I'll start by saying this - I'm glad I found someone, a friend that I can be totally and completely honest with. As she said, and assures me time and time again, she'll never judge me. As I would never, her. But needless to say the last day, yes, the last day, was almost ...it was..it HAD to be a dream.
I felt wrong on all accounts EXCEPT how wonderfully alive I felt.
I'll explain why I felt wrong after.
He reminded me of the time at the end, the time of when we actually started talking last night. He said he'd been on the phone from around 11.30pm til around 12.30am when he messaged me. Intent was a joke. Neither one of us expected to still be awake and still online at 9am the following morning. Nevertheless, it was the usual. I made fun of him for something he posted on facebook. He made fun of me ..name calling back and forth. It initially started with him sending me a link to a song on youtube. "Eminem - Go to sleep, bitch." My response was,
"That's exactly how I feel about you. "
... if anyone knows Eminem and his lyrics, they're very crass. Not nice. And pretty much self explanatory.
His retort? Caught me off guard. I had that o.O lofted brow look on my face as I started into the screen.
"Oh, so you feel about me? I never said I feel about you. I might have sent that to you by accident."
Needless to say the comical banter went on for some time. I'd say a couple hours in, perhaps around 3, he was getting ready to go. Said he had a long day ahead of him. So he would try to rest. So I relayed my good nights ..when he said "Oh I thought you were married. No name change?"
Since I entered my relationship with Chris and its 2 year mark had dawned I changed my status on facebook to married simply because of the mass messages I would get if I was single labelled. Same deal on MySpace. It always read, "married". I needed them to keep away. I could count on both hands and feel the numbers that would spam my inbox, the names, the invites to parties. And I didn't have anything sultry posted on my profiles either. I was a teacher, a well respected icon and role model to many students in the community. All younger than I. I had a reputation to keep and uphold.
So I would never post unacceptable pictures of myself on there to invite such ....men. But there they were.
So I let him know that we'd been together so long that people just assumed we were married. And as well to keep the creeps away. Once again, conversation poured out of us back and forth, never an awkward or silent moment between us. And this is how it's always been. We could talk for HOURS on end about nothing at all.
By this hour I had left my PC and retired to my bed with my iPhone to keep my conversation rolling. Granted it was delayed and I was lost in post turns. Only to receive them later and be ...baffled.Now the talk had transgressed onto how we became old in a matter of blinks. When did we become our parents? Age seemed so foreign to us. Comparing stories of how outsiders would see us with our children or families and think we were babies ourselves. When did we grow up? Amidst all the bills and kids.
He agreed. And then it came.
He brought up the night ..the last night I'd seen him some 7 or 8 years ago. I'd told him I was a virgin still. He was right. I was then, and for a long while after that night. After him.
And the memories came rushing back. We had NEVER gone back to that night since he and I started speaking on facebook, since we both had kids, wives, boyfriends. Whathaveyou.
He let me know he genuinely had a thing for me. I was one of the few girls he'd taken an honest and serious liking to after his return from the marines and that night, ...was the night he put ME first instead of his own desires. And when I had said I was a virgin, his mind said "You can't.." and he ...his words...said he wasn't worthy of what I had, to be taken. Because he would have pushed me away thereafter. He wasn't in the right place in his mind, in his life ..to do that to me and then live with it.
I let him know he did me the greatest honor in telling me no. I asked for no explanation that night nor did I last night but was given it freely. And it made me happy. I recalled the days I would drive to his home, we would have a movie date, or a pizza date, or just to hang out front by the car. Again, he found it in him to let me know how I made him feel. I stirred emotions and feelings so deep, I was desireable. Wanted. BUT his previous girlfriend ...was a lot like me. Four years together and she cheated on him every chance she got. He called us the conservative types.
He thought I would be just like her.
So without knowing where we would be had we done the deed, he stepped back and gave me a chance. He knew I was a good person but my virtue was too much for him to walk away with. And he was possibly right. Back then, I was young, naive. I considered myself lost in the idea of 1 boy, 1 girl. The Fairytale Syndrome, as I like to call it. I would have latched onto him and suffocated him. And him being who he is, the type of guy he was, would have ran for the hills.
I filled him in on my still now inexperience. I've only ever been with 2 men in all my almost 30 years. Kissed a handful if that many. By laid with only 2. And with all my heart I want it to remain so.
He admitted, he wasn't ready for any type of relationship then. But the attraction was so strong.
He said that to this day whenever he goes to the place we had our pizza date, he recalled where we sat, and recalls that date still. Again, I was swooning. Not at him, but at the idea that someone thought about ME. Desired ME. Those simple innocent words made me feel loved, as crazy as that sounds.
"I can picture the moment of looking down at your body, the desire for you... and having to stop and then hear u talk can drive me mad...
I'll start by saying this - I'm glad I found someone, a friend that I can be totally and completely honest with. As she said, and assures me time and time again, she'll never judge me. As I would never, her. But needless to say the last day, yes, the last day, was almost ...it was..it HAD to be a dream.
I felt wrong on all accounts EXCEPT how wonderfully alive I felt.
I'll explain why I felt wrong after.
He reminded me of the time at the end, the time of when we actually started talking last night. He said he'd been on the phone from around 11.30pm til around 12.30am when he messaged me. Intent was a joke. Neither one of us expected to still be awake and still online at 9am the following morning. Nevertheless, it was the usual. I made fun of him for something he posted on facebook. He made fun of me ..name calling back and forth. It initially started with him sending me a link to a song on youtube. "Eminem - Go to sleep, bitch." My response was,
"That's exactly how I feel about you. "
... if anyone knows Eminem and his lyrics, they're very crass. Not nice. And pretty much self explanatory.
His retort? Caught me off guard. I had that o.O lofted brow look on my face as I started into the screen.
"Oh, so you feel about me? I never said I feel about you. I might have sent that to you by accident."
Needless to say the comical banter went on for some time. I'd say a couple hours in, perhaps around 3, he was getting ready to go. Said he had a long day ahead of him. So he would try to rest. So I relayed my good nights ..when he said "Oh I thought you were married. No name change?"
Since I entered my relationship with Chris and its 2 year mark had dawned I changed my status on facebook to married simply because of the mass messages I would get if I was single labelled. Same deal on MySpace. It always read, "married". I needed them to keep away. I could count on both hands and feel the numbers that would spam my inbox, the names, the invites to parties. And I didn't have anything sultry posted on my profiles either. I was a teacher, a well respected icon and role model to many students in the community. All younger than I. I had a reputation to keep and uphold.
So I would never post unacceptable pictures of myself on there to invite such ....men. But there they were.
So I let him know that we'd been together so long that people just assumed we were married. And as well to keep the creeps away. Once again, conversation poured out of us back and forth, never an awkward or silent moment between us. And this is how it's always been. We could talk for HOURS on end about nothing at all.
By this hour I had left my PC and retired to my bed with my iPhone to keep my conversation rolling. Granted it was delayed and I was lost in post turns. Only to receive them later and be ...baffled.Now the talk had transgressed onto how we became old in a matter of blinks. When did we become our parents? Age seemed so foreign to us. Comparing stories of how outsiders would see us with our children or families and think we were babies ourselves. When did we grow up? Amidst all the bills and kids.
He agreed. And then it came.
He brought up the night ..the last night I'd seen him some 7 or 8 years ago. I'd told him I was a virgin still. He was right. I was then, and for a long while after that night. After him.
And the memories came rushing back. We had NEVER gone back to that night since he and I started speaking on facebook, since we both had kids, wives, boyfriends. Whathaveyou.
He let me know he genuinely had a thing for me. I was one of the few girls he'd taken an honest and serious liking to after his return from the marines and that night, ...was the night he put ME first instead of his own desires. And when I had said I was a virgin, his mind said "You can't.." and he ...his words...said he wasn't worthy of what I had, to be taken. Because he would have pushed me away thereafter. He wasn't in the right place in his mind, in his life ..to do that to me and then live with it.
I let him know he did me the greatest honor in telling me no. I asked for no explanation that night nor did I last night but was given it freely. And it made me happy. I recalled the days I would drive to his home, we would have a movie date, or a pizza date, or just to hang out front by the car. Again, he found it in him to let me know how I made him feel. I stirred emotions and feelings so deep, I was desireable. Wanted. BUT his previous girlfriend ...was a lot like me. Four years together and she cheated on him every chance she got. He called us the conservative types.
He thought I would be just like her.
So without knowing where we would be had we done the deed, he stepped back and gave me a chance. He knew I was a good person but my virtue was too much for him to walk away with. And he was possibly right. Back then, I was young, naive. I considered myself lost in the idea of 1 boy, 1 girl. The Fairytale Syndrome, as I like to call it. I would have latched onto him and suffocated him. And him being who he is, the type of guy he was, would have ran for the hills.
I filled him in on my still now inexperience. I've only ever been with 2 men in all my almost 30 years. Kissed a handful if that many. By laid with only 2. And with all my heart I want it to remain so.
He admitted, he wasn't ready for any type of relationship then. But the attraction was so strong.
He said that to this day whenever he goes to the place we had our pizza date, he recalled where we sat, and recalls that date still. Again, I was swooning. Not at him, but at the idea that someone thought about ME. Desired ME. Those simple innocent words made me feel loved, as crazy as that sounds.
"I can picture the moment of looking down at your body, the desire for you... and having to stop and then hear u talk can drive me mad...
I just valued what you had more then anything further, i felt like we had a future but idk it wasn't certain and in my head that split second it had to be certain. you were too good for that moment in my life and it sucks looking back lol"
And he lets me know, I hope, jokingly, that when next he has a moment to himself, it'll be us and I wouldn' t have said anything at all.
"I hope you don't mind me borrowing you."
...it made me laugh. I honestly asked myself if he had without my 'permission' before. Once again, on his way to bed. A promise to meet again on the privacy of his...wherever he chose. The idea of being someone else's fantasy had me wide smiled. So we said our good nights. Again.
A few moments later, he returned and said I'd been told too much. I needed to be FLASHED.
And from that moment, the conversation found a deep ...quiet corner. Just him and I. Lost in that night, the last night I ever saw him. He baited my memory of us outside on the car, legs wrapped around him, just how much it turned him on. From the way I talked, the sound of my voice, everything about me excited him. Our words because whispers in that corner. He told me how much he loved certain pictures I had on Facebook, what he would do with the exposed flesh of my neck, where my lips ought to be...Illicit, naughty words ...hours had gone by ...and the desire and the want that enveloped me was soon being riddled by the fear of what I was doing.
I was testing the waters with a married family man. His wife had just left for work, it was just after 5am. drawing near 6...
How my little frame wanted to just melt into the sheets that I occupied alone.
My hands found refuge on my chest only to feel my heart racing. Fingertips refreshing the page because of the technological lag between the web he was using and the phone I was using.
Every word drew a dirty picture. Descriptive words of want, need. More than lust but not love.
It was so enticing. I held my breath the moment I realized what I was doing. I'd NEVER done that with someone. Not even Chris.
But he was unphased. And I followed suit with every word he gave.
Feeding his desire.
Until the very end ..his words...
"Thank you for indulging my fantasy tonight...I'm going to come home and cum buckets thinking of you. " ..it make me laugh...terminology aside, it made me ache inside.
This was someone I was so drawn to years ago and released due to the fact he and I had both moved on and resumed a friendship after so many years.
This person made me feel so amazing ..
Even if it was just words. Even if it would never be real.
I felt so....complete.
Even in a dream, it felt whole.
Because that's all I'll acknowledge this as. He himself said he'll come home, re-read all this and explode as he hits delete because it never happened. He asked if I'd be awake, if I'd be around. I said I didn't know...but at least I know what he'd be doing.
I awoke with the word "Epic!" left via text.
..I awoke.
Because it was a fantastic dream.
And he lets me know, I hope, jokingly, that when next he has a moment to himself, it'll be us and I wouldn' t have said anything at all.
"I hope you don't mind me borrowing you."
...it made me laugh. I honestly asked myself if he had without my 'permission' before. Once again, on his way to bed. A promise to meet again on the privacy of his...wherever he chose. The idea of being someone else's fantasy had me wide smiled. So we said our good nights. Again.
A few moments later, he returned and said I'd been told too much. I needed to be FLASHED.
And from that moment, the conversation found a deep ...quiet corner. Just him and I. Lost in that night, the last night I ever saw him. He baited my memory of us outside on the car, legs wrapped around him, just how much it turned him on. From the way I talked, the sound of my voice, everything about me excited him. Our words because whispers in that corner. He told me how much he loved certain pictures I had on Facebook, what he would do with the exposed flesh of my neck, where my lips ought to be...Illicit, naughty words ...hours had gone by ...and the desire and the want that enveloped me was soon being riddled by the fear of what I was doing.
I was testing the waters with a married family man. His wife had just left for work, it was just after 5am. drawing near 6...
How my little frame wanted to just melt into the sheets that I occupied alone.
My hands found refuge on my chest only to feel my heart racing. Fingertips refreshing the page because of the technological lag between the web he was using and the phone I was using.
Every word drew a dirty picture. Descriptive words of want, need. More than lust but not love.
It was so enticing. I held my breath the moment I realized what I was doing. I'd NEVER done that with someone. Not even Chris.
But he was unphased. And I followed suit with every word he gave.
Feeding his desire.
Until the very end ..his words...
"Thank you for indulging my fantasy tonight...I'm going to come home and cum buckets thinking of you. " ..it make me laugh...terminology aside, it made me ache inside.
This was someone I was so drawn to years ago and released due to the fact he and I had both moved on and resumed a friendship after so many years.
This person made me feel so amazing ..
Even if it was just words. Even if it would never be real.
I felt so....complete.
Even in a dream, it felt whole.
Because that's all I'll acknowledge this as. He himself said he'll come home, re-read all this and explode as he hits delete because it never happened. He asked if I'd be awake, if I'd be around. I said I didn't know...but at least I know what he'd be doing.
I awoke with the word "Epic!" left via text.
..I awoke.
Because it was a fantastic dream.
Unpretty
I'm not your average girl. I find it funny I still call myself a 'girl' and not a 'woman' since I'm borderline 30. I just haven't found it in me to note I am not a girl anymore.
I don't think I'm sexy. I'm not dripping with sex appeal and wanton desire doesn't just beam from my eyes, my hands. I don't walk like an angel and I don't glide like a siren, I don't sing like a nightingale. I've been told otherwise but when I look in the mirror, I always see an awkward, skinny, mismatched little girl.
I hated wearing make up. Always have. It ages the skin. it makes the human face look fake. Foreign. But then, I was not flawed.
I didn't have blemishes to hide, or eyes to bring out or cheekbones to highlight.
I was a dorky, tomboy of a girl.
Long languid arms, lengthy fingers, no kind of chestal projection.
In short, I was a short, skinny, flat chested girl. Ha. Some would class me as model status, but I just never saw it.
But I had a pretty face, a great personality. And I was well liked. A fabulous sense of humor.
I've been told my eyes was always my winning trait. They could be a lot of things. Inviting, demanding, conniving, seductive. They could be any and everything.
My first boyfriend truly appreciated my body. He said he would change nothing about me. He adored every inch of me. He liked the natural state. Unaltered.
And I felt good knowing that.
Chris, said he was drawn by my eyes.
I've seen the women he's been with. I'm nothing like them. I'm the exact opposite, truthfully. They're all more mature looking, WOMANLY looking...women.
I was nothing and am nothing in comparison.
I've never not felt pretty. I've felt awkward lots of times but never not pretty.
I'm not stunning, I'm not gorgeous or even beautiful.
But once upon a time....he said I was.
He would go out of his way to tell me just how beautiful I looked. Even if it was in jeans and a t-shirt with messed up hair and no make up.
I'd blush and always accept the compliment.
But then, I did the same.
He's especially easy on the eyes. Great smile, but his face, his eyes, is his meal ticket. And the fact that he's so fair skinned, and tall. It's my thing. I like a tall, man, great smile, wild eyes. And well Chris' is that blue that can be almost clear or bluer than the sky blue. Depends on how the light hits it.
Every time he shaves, I want to simply melt onto him, his face. And I let him know. I tell him almost all the time, how great he looks.
Over the last few years with everything that's gone on...
He ...has become almost PRO in never telling me how I look. Never telling me if I make him happy.
We don't go out often, but when we do, I look my best. For me. For him.
I've NEVER asked his opinion of what I wear. But then again, he has never spent a dime on my to shop. No manicure or pedicures. No massages. No hair cuts. No perms, no colors. Nothing.
He does nothing for my physical well being.
But over the last few weeks...despite what I wore, or didn't wear, there's no...want. No...desire.
It's as though he looks right through me.
When we're out, there's no hugs, no embraces, no proper introductions. No kisses, no hand holding. It's as if he's completely voided me regardless of me standing right next to him.
Today...I was only hurt. No anger. No frustration. Just hurt.
I was investigating the nature of a brand new belt he was wearing, so I pulled on it a little to see how tough it was. He had a cow. And said I was trying to take his pants off.
Didn't touch his pants. Our 2 year old is standing RIGHT THERE. Why would I try to do anything of that nature?
Everytime I get near him he acts as though I have no right to be that close.
I feel so...rejected.
As if I'm carrying this disease and I should be no where near him.
I've asked him time and time again, don't kill me on the head. Or the cheek. I'm not your sister or your child. Don't say "love you too" because I'm not your mother.
I deserve to be in my own category. I deserve to be held and treated like a lover.
Not like a baby sitter or a roommate or a blood relative.
He manages to make me feel unpretty so often, with so little action or a simple word.
I don't think I'm sexy. I'm not dripping with sex appeal and wanton desire doesn't just beam from my eyes, my hands. I don't walk like an angel and I don't glide like a siren, I don't sing like a nightingale. I've been told otherwise but when I look in the mirror, I always see an awkward, skinny, mismatched little girl.
I hated wearing make up. Always have. It ages the skin. it makes the human face look fake. Foreign. But then, I was not flawed.
I didn't have blemishes to hide, or eyes to bring out or cheekbones to highlight.
I was a dorky, tomboy of a girl.
Long languid arms, lengthy fingers, no kind of chestal projection.
In short, I was a short, skinny, flat chested girl. Ha. Some would class me as model status, but I just never saw it.
But I had a pretty face, a great personality. And I was well liked. A fabulous sense of humor.
I've been told my eyes was always my winning trait. They could be a lot of things. Inviting, demanding, conniving, seductive. They could be any and everything.
My first boyfriend truly appreciated my body. He said he would change nothing about me. He adored every inch of me. He liked the natural state. Unaltered.
And I felt good knowing that.
Chris, said he was drawn by my eyes.
I've seen the women he's been with. I'm nothing like them. I'm the exact opposite, truthfully. They're all more mature looking, WOMANLY looking...women.
I was nothing and am nothing in comparison.
I've never not felt pretty. I've felt awkward lots of times but never not pretty.
I'm not stunning, I'm not gorgeous or even beautiful.
But once upon a time....he said I was.
He would go out of his way to tell me just how beautiful I looked. Even if it was in jeans and a t-shirt with messed up hair and no make up.
I'd blush and always accept the compliment.
But then, I did the same.
He's especially easy on the eyes. Great smile, but his face, his eyes, is his meal ticket. And the fact that he's so fair skinned, and tall. It's my thing. I like a tall, man, great smile, wild eyes. And well Chris' is that blue that can be almost clear or bluer than the sky blue. Depends on how the light hits it.
Every time he shaves, I want to simply melt onto him, his face. And I let him know. I tell him almost all the time, how great he looks.
Over the last few years with everything that's gone on...
He ...has become almost PRO in never telling me how I look. Never telling me if I make him happy.
We don't go out often, but when we do, I look my best. For me. For him.
I've NEVER asked his opinion of what I wear. But then again, he has never spent a dime on my to shop. No manicure or pedicures. No massages. No hair cuts. No perms, no colors. Nothing.
He does nothing for my physical well being.
But over the last few weeks...despite what I wore, or didn't wear, there's no...want. No...desire.
It's as though he looks right through me.
When we're out, there's no hugs, no embraces, no proper introductions. No kisses, no hand holding. It's as if he's completely voided me regardless of me standing right next to him.
Today...I was only hurt. No anger. No frustration. Just hurt.
I was investigating the nature of a brand new belt he was wearing, so I pulled on it a little to see how tough it was. He had a cow. And said I was trying to take his pants off.
Didn't touch his pants. Our 2 year old is standing RIGHT THERE. Why would I try to do anything of that nature?
Everytime I get near him he acts as though I have no right to be that close.
I feel so...rejected.
As if I'm carrying this disease and I should be no where near him.
I've asked him time and time again, don't kill me on the head. Or the cheek. I'm not your sister or your child. Don't say "love you too" because I'm not your mother.
I deserve to be in my own category. I deserve to be held and treated like a lover.
Not like a baby sitter or a roommate or a blood relative.
He manages to make me feel unpretty so often, with so little action or a simple word.
Monday, July 18, 2011
I ought to be asleep.
But I'm in the bathroom with my phone padding this away. I sent a friend a song tonight and was on my way back to bed when I realized I had to listen to it. It reminded me of a time so long ago. The words are so real and exactly what she needs to hear. Sadly. I don't remember who I had that song for. Back then music filled the gaping void in my life. The darkness between work and being out. Music filled the space where love and hate now reside and are constantly at war, seemingly. Music today? For me. Is but moments between meals and teaching my 2 year old to say 'truck' without it sounding like 'fuck'. Lol. I can't say I enjoy it like I used to. But I'm finding my way back there. Moment upon moment. Day by day. These old tunes are beckoning me out of this shell I've lost myself within .. Not to haunt me but to allow me the freedom and joy that music once brought me.
"...baby, baby stay. Stay right where you are. I like it this way. It's good for my heart."
"...baby, baby stay. Stay right where you are. I like it this way. It's good for my heart."
Great line.
I seek hope and life .. In the lyrics that I voice. The melody that embrace me. I remember to never forget.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, July 17, 2011
A moment
All day long my head was literally reeling, thoughts just swarming in and out and in and out and I was slowly but so swiftly losing my mind. About what?
It still kills me about San Francisco...I didn't know if to approach him about if it would be something he would do. If it's something men do on the regular. I don't know what was going through my head to be completely honest. I know I lost it, and if this was a few weeks ago, I would have lost it and ultimately blown up at him or something.
It kept going over and over in my head, how could he?
Why did he?
How often does he?
Is he that lonely when he's away and not drunk?
Is he generally that lonely?
Does he look forward to traveling to do that?
I think its because Vegas is coming. After the milestone that he'll make Tuesday out to be he might be in a rather celebratory mood. Tonight he said he wanted to start sending out goodbye emails. I said he should elect not to because nothing's happened yet. If anyone KNEW anything he'd know. I'm certain of it. But I was literally, pacing, and talking to myself. And contemplating how I'd ask if I decided to. Maybe I'd make it a hypothetical question. A problem of a friend. SOMETHING! ANYTHING!!
And then once I showered, my mind seemed to let go of it. It's still there, don't get me wrong, but it's no longer plaguing my mind like it was earlier.
Haunting.
Driving me to the point of madness, almost.
It still kills me about San Francisco...I didn't know if to approach him about if it would be something he would do. If it's something men do on the regular. I don't know what was going through my head to be completely honest. I know I lost it, and if this was a few weeks ago, I would have lost it and ultimately blown up at him or something.
It kept going over and over in my head, how could he?
Why did he?
How often does he?
Is he that lonely when he's away and not drunk?
Is he generally that lonely?
Does he look forward to traveling to do that?
I think its because Vegas is coming. After the milestone that he'll make Tuesday out to be he might be in a rather celebratory mood. Tonight he said he wanted to start sending out goodbye emails. I said he should elect not to because nothing's happened yet. If anyone KNEW anything he'd know. I'm certain of it. But I was literally, pacing, and talking to myself. And contemplating how I'd ask if I decided to. Maybe I'd make it a hypothetical question. A problem of a friend. SOMETHING! ANYTHING!!
And then once I showered, my mind seemed to let go of it. It's still there, don't get me wrong, but it's no longer plaguing my mind like it was earlier.
Haunting.
Driving me to the point of madness, almost.
Why?
Lol I realized I never actually said why I was confused. I guess it's because of how he acts, the things he's done. Things he's said. Why is he reaching for me as if I'm really going to walk away? Why is he almost hurt if he loses his job. "take one for the team" rubbed me the wrong way.
But .. Why with his lack of being... Why act like it would matter if I stayed or didn't. If I cared or didn't.
See?
Confused and kinda dumb to be honest.
But .. Why with his lack of being... Why act like it would matter if I stayed or didn't. If I cared or didn't.
See?
Confused and kinda dumb to be honest.
Sent from my iPhone
I'm confused.. I think
I know I'm probably confused quite often but moreso lately. He's been on edge and cranky and just in an all round bad mood. In his line of work, he's been able to be fortunate enough to get away with taking off work, having a crazy amount of PTO and travel. Also, he can make his own hours on almost every given work day. Sucks for me, I know. He's gone to work on days that I have to assume he's working but have later come to find out he wasn't. Hence the suckage for me. I cant make plans because I never know what days "I have to work today" are the real ones. He has a habit of .. On Monday's after his conference calls which he stays in for, he doesn't leave for work, he stays home. I've always noticed it. Regardless if I ask if he's working or what time. It's almost always a fail. Turns out this past week, his boss didn't take lightly to him being home and pitched a fit. He's used to his boss having a cow whenever it's close to them having to work together.
So noticing his bad mood for what seemed to be most of the week, I kept myself in a pleasant mood, and tried to keep him less than bitchy. Bought him a 'Just because' card and left it on his desk. Figured it may give him a bright moment. I text him almost every day with an 'I love you' or something like it with .. Honestly? Never a reply. But I do it.
After a long day.. After 9.30pm he's home. And he fills me on. He's scared that as of Tuesday he may not be employed. That's apparently how hard is boss came down on him. He said after the ass chewing .. All he could think about was us. Me and jaiden. I doubt it was really me but whatever. "what are we going to do if I don't have a job?"
"we take it day by day. I can't say don't worry. But let's deal with it together as it comes."
"I guess I can take one for the team right?"
"things happen. I support your decision and will stand with you."
So noticing his bad mood for what seemed to be most of the week, I kept myself in a pleasant mood, and tried to keep him less than bitchy. Bought him a 'Just because' card and left it on his desk. Figured it may give him a bright moment. I text him almost every day with an 'I love you' or something like it with .. Honestly? Never a reply. But I do it.
After a long day.. After 9.30pm he's home. And he fills me on. He's scared that as of Tuesday he may not be employed. That's apparently how hard is boss came down on him. He said after the ass chewing .. All he could think about was us. Me and jaiden. I doubt it was really me but whatever. "what are we going to do if I don't have a job?"
"we take it day by day. I can't say don't worry. But let's deal with it together as it comes."
"I guess I can take one for the team right?"
"things happen. I support your decision and will stand with you."
Those were my words to him Friday.
Why would he expect different.
Today?
"Mindy, no matter what happens on tuesday know that I love you. "
I'm baffled. But don't show it.
"I know and I love you too. No matter what happens I choose you. To stay. To support. I won't run away. "
As it stands, I don't see him losing his job. He has no written signs .. Or otherwise, of any insubordinations. All his time off has been approved by said boss and never denied. He has over 300 hours of paid time off to be utilized. He's well liked by colleges and his stores. His boss has done nothing but hype him up to others. His reviews are always better than average.
It'll be hard to push for him to be fired on little explainable grounds.
And I stand by my words.
"even if I'm unemployed and balding?"
"no matter what."
I mean it.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, July 15, 2011
It's not just me
When the time stands still
And I'm alone with my thoughts
It reflects on the pain
On the 'once was' of my heart.
When the day comes to end
The hour of your arrival close
I reflect back on our times together
How it was you that hurt the most
But what I never look back on
And maybe it's selfish of me
Is that it's possibly the same for you
And I'm just too blind to see.
I've hurt you too
This I've never denied
It's not just me that has doubts
But maybe you put yours aside
If I were you
And I looked back
You'd see me as another
Who just added to your crack
Another thorn,
Another ache
Another drawn out mistake.
Maybe it's not just me
Who feels so insecure
But while we're in this lie together
How can we ever be sure.
7.15.11
6.42pm
And I'm alone with my thoughts
It reflects on the pain
On the 'once was' of my heart.
When the day comes to end
The hour of your arrival close
I reflect back on our times together
How it was you that hurt the most
But what I never look back on
And maybe it's selfish of me
Is that it's possibly the same for you
And I'm just too blind to see.
I've hurt you too
This I've never denied
It's not just me that has doubts
But maybe you put yours aside
If I were you
And I looked back
You'd see me as another
Who just added to your crack
Another thorn,
Another ache
Another drawn out mistake.
Maybe it's not just me
Who feels so insecure
But while we're in this lie together
How can we ever be sure.
7.15.11
6.42pm
I fail
3.26.04
2.22am
I forget you didn't care
Not anymore, like you did before
I forget you make it hurt
When you walked out the door
I forget you make it ache
Ten times as it was back then, now
I thought you'd never remember to leave my side
But I remember you never forgot how.
I forget to hold you to make you stay
But I know you don't want my touch
I remember the tears of anguish that subsided
...it hurts. I wish I could just forget how much.
I forget to smile
I forget to say the right words to you
But you forget I still can't fly,
And my wings cannot be re-bought, anew.
I forget to live
And truly smile instead of cry
And I remember you walk away
I remember each time my broken heart has to die.
2.22am
I forget you didn't care
Not anymore, like you did before
I forget you make it hurt
When you walked out the door
I forget you make it ache
Ten times as it was back then, now
I thought you'd never remember to leave my side
But I remember you never forgot how.
I forget to hold you to make you stay
But I know you don't want my touch
I remember the tears of anguish that subsided
...it hurts. I wish I could just forget how much.
I forget to smile
I forget to say the right words to you
But you forget I still can't fly,
And my wings cannot be re-bought, anew.
I forget to live
And truly smile instead of cry
And I remember you walk away
I remember each time my broken heart has to die.
Predator
8.21.04
Fangs of steel
Soul of night
You're one with the shadows
Forever out of sight
Padded claws so silent
Eerie eyes of callow hues
I know the way you look at me
But in the dark I could never see you.
So wicked in the dark
So silent you wait
When I fail to look and know not
It's my life you wish you take
Carnal and wanton
Gracefully unseen
You're a figment of seduction
And bestiality in between
Inhale the air
Test the sounds
My heart's racing faster and harder
Because your lust and desire knows no bounds
Waiting and watching
Innocent to know
You're no longer my lover, my friend, sweet animal
You're my most feared foe.
Fangs of steel
Soul of night
You're one with the shadows
Forever out of sight
Padded claws so silent
Eerie eyes of callow hues
I know the way you look at me
But in the dark I could never see you.
So wicked in the dark
So silent you wait
When I fail to look and know not
It's my life you wish you take
Carnal and wanton
Gracefully unseen
You're a figment of seduction
And bestiality in between
Inhale the air
Test the sounds
My heart's racing faster and harder
Because your lust and desire knows no bounds
Waiting and watching
Innocent to know
You're no longer my lover, my friend, sweet animal
You're my most feared foe.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Oh mercy me
I'm back. And I'm in a semi-good mood. Why?
Jason. Again, I don't know how he sees me, he's a married man with a family.
His wife is NOT white therefore will rip him a new asshole if he did anything out of bounds and I would never wreck a happy home.
But him saying "Stop avoiding me, I've looked for you when I'm on but haven't seen you." made me smile tonight.
Conversation wasn't long and about the usual. Netflix. Dexter. Work. and our Kids.
I guess it's the novelty of someone wanting to see and speak to me. Makes me feel good. In an innocent way.
Is this how he feels when girls flirt with him?
When he flirts back?
Is his as innocent as mine is?
Bleh.
I can't even let myself enjoy this. FML!
Jason. Again, I don't know how he sees me, he's a married man with a family.
His wife is NOT white therefore will rip him a new asshole if he did anything out of bounds and I would never wreck a happy home.
But him saying "Stop avoiding me, I've looked for you when I'm on but haven't seen you." made me smile tonight.
Conversation wasn't long and about the usual. Netflix. Dexter. Work. and our Kids.
I guess it's the novelty of someone wanting to see and speak to me. Makes me feel good. In an innocent way.
Is this how he feels when girls flirt with him?
When he flirts back?
Is his as innocent as mine is?
Bleh.
I can't even let myself enjoy this. FML!
I just want to use your love, tonight.
I don't know why I find music so appealing. I lay blame on my parents. Music surrounded them almost 90% of the time. We loved to dance, to sing, to have a good time and expressed it. And that didn't change with age. I can still remember going over to my parents for my Dad's birthday on Christmas Eve when we didn't decide to have a party and just cutting loose with Michael Jackson music blaring. Drunk as skunks. But not stupid. (not completely). Sometimes ..we recorded our fun. And somehow, those videos are unfound today.
They've vanished.
And then I get lost in thought.
Last week we were toasting my brother's 27th birthday and talk of wedding came up. I believe I was dicussing fashion with my mom for an upcoming event we have this weekend, Chris' friend is getting married. And Chris, of all people said that having a bar alone would put us in the red. His family, mainly his mother's side, loves to drink. There's never been affair attended when she didn't drink. Her brother is the exact same. Maybe it's the irish blood that lines their veins. Maybe it's to run away from their lives. Maybe they ..just enjoy it that much.
Who am I to say.
The weekend of the 4th I took him to my cousin's home for a small BBQ and fireworks. While there they played some...cultural music from Trinidad (the island that I'm from)...
It's music mainly played at weddings. I made a small joke and said if we were to ever get married I would want a group like that. He nodded and let it roll off his shoulder, I assume.
The two weeks prior, at his mother's home where we had Jaiden's 2nd 2nd Birthday Party (we had thrown the first 2nd Birthday Party at the apartment the weekend before), I was making coffee for my mom, Chris and my brother's girlfriend with the help of his mother. While in the kitchen, he came in. Seeing all the cups he asked "Who are these for?" his mother's reply? I don't know if he even heard her.."Well this one is for you, one for your mother-in-law and one for Jimmy's girlfriend."....my jaw hit the floor instantly. But I couldn't look at him. I couldn't ...
I know ...What am I getting at?
I don't know. Part of me wishes he'd taken that step so long ago, so much would have been avoided. But then again, if it is who he is, it might not have been. I'd not just be a girlfriend who's able to just walk away. I'd be bound to him by marriage, by law. But as the law can make it, the law can break it, right?
I guess if he'd taken the risk so long ago I wouldn't have this much hate, this much resent for who he is today. For what he does.
If he does what he's doing today I'd be just as hurt, regardless of being his wife or not.
I harbor more than anger, like I imagine he does.
We've both created monsters of who we were. Isn't that cruel?
I had it in me to walk away before Jaiden, why did I let him pull me back. Why did he wait all those years? Why did I stay after all the lies. The mistakes, I ask myself over and over. And I can't come up with an answer that surpasses or makes the only one I have sound so childish and naive. "I love him." or should that read 'I loved him.' now?
I don't know.
My actions, my constant suspicion is so unhealthy.
I was asked if he ever saw the things I write what would he say?
My reply to her?
He'd hate me more than he does. He would nod his head and agree that he is all those things and has done all those things and he'll walk away. He's never been one for confrontation of any sort. Very passive. In every way.
I might have misjudged his complacency for understanding and caring.
I might have misjudged his patience for not caring.
I might have been wrong from the start because I wasn't looking for the bad in him ...just the good.
But I was young and foolish.
And every time I look at him I get foolish all over again because I just can't own up to the fact that all of this might be my mistake.
They've vanished.
And then I get lost in thought.
Last week we were toasting my brother's 27th birthday and talk of wedding came up. I believe I was dicussing fashion with my mom for an upcoming event we have this weekend, Chris' friend is getting married. And Chris, of all people said that having a bar alone would put us in the red. His family, mainly his mother's side, loves to drink. There's never been affair attended when she didn't drink. Her brother is the exact same. Maybe it's the irish blood that lines their veins. Maybe it's to run away from their lives. Maybe they ..just enjoy it that much.
Who am I to say.
The weekend of the 4th I took him to my cousin's home for a small BBQ and fireworks. While there they played some...cultural music from Trinidad (the island that I'm from)...
It's music mainly played at weddings. I made a small joke and said if we were to ever get married I would want a group like that. He nodded and let it roll off his shoulder, I assume.
The two weeks prior, at his mother's home where we had Jaiden's 2nd 2nd Birthday Party (we had thrown the first 2nd Birthday Party at the apartment the weekend before), I was making coffee for my mom, Chris and my brother's girlfriend with the help of his mother. While in the kitchen, he came in. Seeing all the cups he asked "Who are these for?" his mother's reply? I don't know if he even heard her.."Well this one is for you, one for your mother-in-law and one for Jimmy's girlfriend."....my jaw hit the floor instantly. But I couldn't look at him. I couldn't ...
I know ...What am I getting at?
I don't know. Part of me wishes he'd taken that step so long ago, so much would have been avoided. But then again, if it is who he is, it might not have been. I'd not just be a girlfriend who's able to just walk away. I'd be bound to him by marriage, by law. But as the law can make it, the law can break it, right?
I guess if he'd taken the risk so long ago I wouldn't have this much hate, this much resent for who he is today. For what he does.
If he does what he's doing today I'd be just as hurt, regardless of being his wife or not.
I harbor more than anger, like I imagine he does.
We've both created monsters of who we were. Isn't that cruel?
I had it in me to walk away before Jaiden, why did I let him pull me back. Why did he wait all those years? Why did I stay after all the lies. The mistakes, I ask myself over and over. And I can't come up with an answer that surpasses or makes the only one I have sound so childish and naive. "I love him." or should that read 'I loved him.' now?
I don't know.
My actions, my constant suspicion is so unhealthy.
I was asked if he ever saw the things I write what would he say?
My reply to her?
He'd hate me more than he does. He would nod his head and agree that he is all those things and has done all those things and he'll walk away. He's never been one for confrontation of any sort. Very passive. In every way.
I might have misjudged his complacency for understanding and caring.
I might have misjudged his patience for not caring.
I might have been wrong from the start because I wasn't looking for the bad in him ...just the good.
But I was young and foolish.
And every time I look at him I get foolish all over again because I just can't own up to the fact that all of this might be my mistake.
Full of insecurity.
The last thing I need is more of that. More questions. More issues. I had a dream last night that had me searching the web for something I hadn't done in a while. At least not after I had our daughter. STD screening and testing.
Chris has always said he'd never pay for sex.
Which means he'll never have a hooker. Doesn't mean when he's wherever he is, others won't simply 'give it up' in whatever form he might deem, trouble-free.
After the first time we crossed this juncture and I was lied to, made to feel bad about my own desire to be tested and being positive for something good of the bad, and knowing he'd never do it himself or if I asked, simply because he'll say he never has time. I took it upon myself to look for free clinics that do them.
Unfortunately none are close and their schedules as so twisty.
But I looked nonetheless.
I have no insurance. Yesterday's doctor visit alone costed almost 200$ out of pocket for what i could pay 20$ in a co-pay.
So I called a friend. One who I knew would 1. Keep it between us. 2. Go with me. And 3. Stay with me. I need to know I'm safe. Because if I'm not.....so help me God....he didn't just put me at risk.
And I don't know what I'd do.
Update = Made the appointment but I'll have to go alone. The time I got was before my friend could be out of work. Never the less, at least I'll know.
Chris has always said he'd never pay for sex.
Which means he'll never have a hooker. Doesn't mean when he's wherever he is, others won't simply 'give it up' in whatever form he might deem, trouble-free.
After the first time we crossed this juncture and I was lied to, made to feel bad about my own desire to be tested and being positive for something good of the bad, and knowing he'd never do it himself or if I asked, simply because he'll say he never has time. I took it upon myself to look for free clinics that do them.
Unfortunately none are close and their schedules as so twisty.
But I looked nonetheless.
I have no insurance. Yesterday's doctor visit alone costed almost 200$ out of pocket for what i could pay 20$ in a co-pay.
So I called a friend. One who I knew would 1. Keep it between us. 2. Go with me. And 3. Stay with me. I need to know I'm safe. Because if I'm not.....so help me God....he didn't just put me at risk.
And I don't know what I'd do.
Update = Made the appointment but I'll have to go alone. The time I got was before my friend could be out of work. Never the less, at least I'll know.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The dream...
I have a lot of fears just like the next person. Failure. Loss. Hopelessness. Depression. Etc. Etc.
It's there all the time whether I want to admit it or face it. Why?
Aside from the cliche "there are No guarantees in life" ... I can't control someone else's free will.. I can't change their mind. I can't make their decisions. I can't force them to go my way.
The only thing we can do in this journey is hope to find the people who will walk the path with us, by our sides. The ones who leave along the way will be thought about but why stop for them. Hoping they would come back? They will find you if they need to. Never underestimate the capacity of people to let you down. It's unavoidable. If they care enough, they will find a way to let you know. Or at least they should.
It's there all the time whether I want to admit it or face it. Why?
Aside from the cliche "there are No guarantees in life" ... I can't control someone else's free will.. I can't change their mind. I can't make their decisions. I can't force them to go my way.
The only thing we can do in this journey is hope to find the people who will walk the path with us, by our sides. The ones who leave along the way will be thought about but why stop for them. Hoping they would come back? They will find you if they need to. Never underestimate the capacity of people to let you down. It's unavoidable. If they care enough, they will find a way to let you know. Or at least they should.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sick
I got that terrible sun burn.
Now I think somethings wrong.. My face is all swollen and I have a fever with some throat discomfort. All I asked for was some attention. Take care of me like I do for you. I had to beg for company for 2 minutes. Now he's back on the computer, he just doesn't get it.
I'm trying not to be taken to the er because I have no insurance. No meds. He is lost on that computer while I'm feeling completely horrid.
"do you need anything?"
Now I think somethings wrong.. My face is all swollen and I have a fever with some throat discomfort. All I asked for was some attention. Take care of me like I do for you. I had to beg for company for 2 minutes. Now he's back on the computer, he just doesn't get it.
I'm trying not to be taken to the er because I have no insurance. No meds. He is lost on that computer while I'm feeling completely horrid.
"do you need anything?"
No .. I asked and was forgotten.
I feel terrible and he doesn't care. Yay me.
Sent from my iPhone
Hypocrite.
Habits are learned, not born with. And I hate people who allow others' actions and mannerisms to rub off on them, myself included.
My father has been a huge influence on mine and my brother's lives. He was never an absent parent. A loving and caring father. His personal ventures aside, his way with his friends (few) and his relationship with his wife, my mother, and his own family, he was there for us. He made sure we knew he would be there for us whenever we needed him. For whatever the deed.
As a child I saw a great deal of physical abuse and anger.
It seems to be a trait that branched from him to us. His mannerisms, a man who thinks it's his way or the highway. An individual with a strong and over powering personality that he was far from a follower. A leader or a loner.
My mother did everything for my father. Cooked, cleaned, brought him his food to his hands as he sat waiting. Catered to his every whim. If he needed clothes, she bought it. His favorite meals. She did it. He had a gruff way about him when he thought she was drawing out of line.
My brother, now 27, is the exact same way.
Today he pissed me off and I'd had it.
He has a new girlfriend. A first that he would acknowledge as his girlfriend.
In the past he'd never ever get himself caught up in any relationship that required him spending more than one night with the same girl.
He made people feel inferior to him in his speech, his actions and his wants or needs. I recall him saying "I like to push to see what i can get from a person, how much I can get before they say 'no' then I move on."...
If it doesn't happen his way when he wants it, how he wants it, he tends to make that person feel like complete shit, like he was the one let down, regardless of the reason.
He's a giving person. Yes.
Kind hearted. Yes.
Strong minded. Very.
Selfish? I wouldn't call him selfish. Or greedy. I don't have the right word just yet.
He's very pig headed, and stubborn, and seems to think everyone MUST follow his lead or get out of his way.
If you can't do it here, now, go away.
My current qualm?
I have 2, really.
I refuse to talk about my personal trials and tribulations with Chris to him. Why? He's an angry man. But in his drunken stupor he WILL say something over the top to Chris and a fight will ensue. He preaches, but he doesn't practice.
Before the girl he's with now, he was after a friend of mine.
She's my age. I didn't like it. I made sure my friend knew that as well as he. BUT it wasn't my call on their decision. She knew he wasn't looking for something solid and he knew she's a single mother or a young girl. A persons' past should never speak for who they are now. She used to carry herself in a not so unavailable way.
And other guys, my brother's friends included, took advantage of that every chance they could.
Needless to say, I found out about 'them' on Christmas eve of 09.
But like any woman would, she was falling for him and he wouldn't have it.
So he started stepping back..without letting go. Wrong of him but done nonetheless.
She soon wised up after she said she couldn't handle it anymore. She's a mom. She wants and deserves better. More.
So she left. And I was glad she did.
I look at it like this. My brother is my brother but he's also a man. And I have little respect for men who treat women like objects of want and nothing more.
YET if something happens to me, he's the first in line to kick some ass.
I don't get it. He treats other girls with disrespect, but he won't let it happen to me.
It baffles me.
It's almost 2 years later now.
That friend is married (her reasoning was one I didn't like at all) and living with her husband who'd moved in with her several months after my brother and her parted ways.
My friend.
I've known her since high school. As I said, she 1. had a best friend who was the biggest neighborhood slut you could know ..so she got her name dragged through the mud simply by association. And soon, she lived up to the reputation that she was dragged into.
Had a child with a loser of a man who can neither pay child support or hold on a steady job. He's constantly taking her to court to decrease his child support payments.
He's currently with his new girlfriend who is also pregnant.
Before I was pregnant, we spent a GREAT deal of time together, so being that she was always around because of me, it was easy access for my brother.
After I had Jaiden and they broke up, so to speak, our time dwindled because my brother was always around and she didn't want to risk running into him.
A week before she got married, I was aware that he was texting her while with his current girlfriend and his under the knowledge of her being married to her now-husband.
She lied and told him they were already married. Why? Because he wouldn't leave her alone. His words?
"You would do it if you knew you wouldn't get caught."
"You have a girlfriend, I am married."
"So?"
..and she'd leave him alone. She'd ignore his requests. THIS WAS AFTER..she'd already sent him a picture. She said it was to get him to 'leave her alone'.
Really?
Didn't work. Because he wanted more.
So she panicked and called me.
All the talking, all the complaining...but I was never to know anything, at all. If anyone asked, I knew nothing. I wasn't supposed to confront him or mention to anyone what I knew.
And I didn't mind. It wasn't my place to be invovled more than I was. Maybe not at all.
When she kept saying no, she said he resorted to threatening to blackmail her.
I told her to 'call his bluff'.
Why would someone in a relationship, who wants to HIDE the fact that they want to 1. cheat and 2. break up a marriage, choose to want to blackmail. It won't work.
She said that because of his constant contact, she pushed to get married asap.
I didn't like that idea.
At all.
The girl he's with now, she works hard - he is currently unemployed.
She pays all the bills and I know he contributes.
BUT the way he talks down to her ALL the time. The way he sits and waits while telling her "Find me a snack." or "Make me dinner."...it's so disrespectful.
Whenever they're around ...They are ALWAYS fighting because he takes EVERYTHING with a great assault. As if everyone's words are challenging him.
If we go out, same deal. It's the couple who can't go out and have a good time and are always fighting about the stupidest shit.
It's embarrassing.
To her.
To him.
So yesterday they're here. I had let him know that what he did to my computer was bringing up an error message. He said he'd stop by later to fix it. Fine.
30 minutes later, no phone call, no text, he's here. I'm, of course, busy so he's forced to wait.
His fault.
In their waiting, once again, they're going at it because he thinks if he makes her feel foolish in front of us he looks like the good guy. Mind you, they're here with a friend as well. So I remind him. 1. My daughter's asleep. 2. He's in MY house and it's RUDE to tell me not to get involved when he's talking to her. I agreed, it's not my business, but he should take it outside. Go home. I don't give a fuck, but not here. I didn't remind him that EVERY time they're together he's a jackass to her.
Every time we go out he's an asshole.
He said I should ask him to leave and he'd not come back. I said it was his choice. But I'm asking him to respect our home. Act a fool outside where people can see and know you're an asshole.
He's just as good an adversary as he is a bad enemy.
I hate how he treats the people in his life.
I hate that he thinks its always his way or no way.
One day he'll be alone because everyone around him will see past that tough loud exterior for who he really is. And leave.
And that will suck.
My father has been a huge influence on mine and my brother's lives. He was never an absent parent. A loving and caring father. His personal ventures aside, his way with his friends (few) and his relationship with his wife, my mother, and his own family, he was there for us. He made sure we knew he would be there for us whenever we needed him. For whatever the deed.
As a child I saw a great deal of physical abuse and anger.
It seems to be a trait that branched from him to us. His mannerisms, a man who thinks it's his way or the highway. An individual with a strong and over powering personality that he was far from a follower. A leader or a loner.
My mother did everything for my father. Cooked, cleaned, brought him his food to his hands as he sat waiting. Catered to his every whim. If he needed clothes, she bought it. His favorite meals. She did it. He had a gruff way about him when he thought she was drawing out of line.
My brother, now 27, is the exact same way.
Today he pissed me off and I'd had it.
He has a new girlfriend. A first that he would acknowledge as his girlfriend.
In the past he'd never ever get himself caught up in any relationship that required him spending more than one night with the same girl.
He made people feel inferior to him in his speech, his actions and his wants or needs. I recall him saying "I like to push to see what i can get from a person, how much I can get before they say 'no' then I move on."...
If it doesn't happen his way when he wants it, how he wants it, he tends to make that person feel like complete shit, like he was the one let down, regardless of the reason.
He's a giving person. Yes.
Kind hearted. Yes.
Strong minded. Very.
Selfish? I wouldn't call him selfish. Or greedy. I don't have the right word just yet.
He's very pig headed, and stubborn, and seems to think everyone MUST follow his lead or get out of his way.
If you can't do it here, now, go away.
My current qualm?
I have 2, really.
I refuse to talk about my personal trials and tribulations with Chris to him. Why? He's an angry man. But in his drunken stupor he WILL say something over the top to Chris and a fight will ensue. He preaches, but he doesn't practice.
Before the girl he's with now, he was after a friend of mine.
She's my age. I didn't like it. I made sure my friend knew that as well as he. BUT it wasn't my call on their decision. She knew he wasn't looking for something solid and he knew she's a single mother or a young girl. A persons' past should never speak for who they are now. She used to carry herself in a not so unavailable way.
And other guys, my brother's friends included, took advantage of that every chance they could.
Needless to say, I found out about 'them' on Christmas eve of 09.
But like any woman would, she was falling for him and he wouldn't have it.
So he started stepping back..without letting go. Wrong of him but done nonetheless.
She soon wised up after she said she couldn't handle it anymore. She's a mom. She wants and deserves better. More.
So she left. And I was glad she did.
I look at it like this. My brother is my brother but he's also a man. And I have little respect for men who treat women like objects of want and nothing more.
YET if something happens to me, he's the first in line to kick some ass.
I don't get it. He treats other girls with disrespect, but he won't let it happen to me.
It baffles me.
It's almost 2 years later now.
That friend is married (her reasoning was one I didn't like at all) and living with her husband who'd moved in with her several months after my brother and her parted ways.
My friend.
I've known her since high school. As I said, she 1. had a best friend who was the biggest neighborhood slut you could know ..so she got her name dragged through the mud simply by association. And soon, she lived up to the reputation that she was dragged into.
Had a child with a loser of a man who can neither pay child support or hold on a steady job. He's constantly taking her to court to decrease his child support payments.
He's currently with his new girlfriend who is also pregnant.
Before I was pregnant, we spent a GREAT deal of time together, so being that she was always around because of me, it was easy access for my brother.
After I had Jaiden and they broke up, so to speak, our time dwindled because my brother was always around and she didn't want to risk running into him.
A week before she got married, I was aware that he was texting her while with his current girlfriend and his under the knowledge of her being married to her now-husband.
She lied and told him they were already married. Why? Because he wouldn't leave her alone. His words?
"You would do it if you knew you wouldn't get caught."
"You have a girlfriend, I am married."
"So?"
..and she'd leave him alone. She'd ignore his requests. THIS WAS AFTER..she'd already sent him a picture. She said it was to get him to 'leave her alone'.
Really?
Didn't work. Because he wanted more.
So she panicked and called me.
All the talking, all the complaining...but I was never to know anything, at all. If anyone asked, I knew nothing. I wasn't supposed to confront him or mention to anyone what I knew.
And I didn't mind. It wasn't my place to be invovled more than I was. Maybe not at all.
When she kept saying no, she said he resorted to threatening to blackmail her.
I told her to 'call his bluff'.
Why would someone in a relationship, who wants to HIDE the fact that they want to 1. cheat and 2. break up a marriage, choose to want to blackmail. It won't work.
She said that because of his constant contact, she pushed to get married asap.
I didn't like that idea.
At all.
The girl he's with now, she works hard - he is currently unemployed.
She pays all the bills and I know he contributes.
BUT the way he talks down to her ALL the time. The way he sits and waits while telling her "Find me a snack." or "Make me dinner."...it's so disrespectful.
Whenever they're around ...They are ALWAYS fighting because he takes EVERYTHING with a great assault. As if everyone's words are challenging him.
If we go out, same deal. It's the couple who can't go out and have a good time and are always fighting about the stupidest shit.
It's embarrassing.
To her.
To him.
So yesterday they're here. I had let him know that what he did to my computer was bringing up an error message. He said he'd stop by later to fix it. Fine.
30 minutes later, no phone call, no text, he's here. I'm, of course, busy so he's forced to wait.
His fault.
In their waiting, once again, they're going at it because he thinks if he makes her feel foolish in front of us he looks like the good guy. Mind you, they're here with a friend as well. So I remind him. 1. My daughter's asleep. 2. He's in MY house and it's RUDE to tell me not to get involved when he's talking to her. I agreed, it's not my business, but he should take it outside. Go home. I don't give a fuck, but not here. I didn't remind him that EVERY time they're together he's a jackass to her.
Every time we go out he's an asshole.
He said I should ask him to leave and he'd not come back. I said it was his choice. But I'm asking him to respect our home. Act a fool outside where people can see and know you're an asshole.
He's just as good an adversary as he is a bad enemy.
I hate how he treats the people in his life.
I hate that he thinks its always his way or no way.
One day he'll be alone because everyone around him will see past that tough loud exterior for who he really is. And leave.
And that will suck.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
It's such a pretty day
I am on little sleep at the moment. After a long night of keeping an eye on a drunk (which he'd never do for me. I always had to deal with the aftermath of a bad night on my own.), and a cranky toddler who just wanted to sleep in her mommy's bed, here I am.
It's in the low 90s and all I wanted to do was the plan. Take her out. Have a nice day OUT.
But you fucked it up. You got shit faced. AGAIN and ruined plans. AGAIN.
I tolerated the morning. Let you mope around and drag ass.
It was almost 4, Jaiden had napped, you spent all morning on the computer after an hour out with my brother. so I ask if you want to take her for ice cream. "No...my stomach."
Really?
I'm not asking for you. It's for her.
So. I went alone. "We'll leave Daddy here by himself" was all I said.
She needs to be outside.
We plopped into McDonlads first but the PlayPlace there was too much for little lovey. So I got her some fries, which she ate most of, some apple juice, she made googly eyes at some customers, wanted to go play with kids who were with their family and had about 4 years on her.
And then my Dad offered to take her to the park.
I said "Swings? Slides? Kids? Sure. Why not."
I return home and where is he?
Asleep.
But it's such a beautiful day and I won't let you ruin it.
So I'll relax and wait for her to return, then get her ice cream like I said I would.
Took a couple pictures of her at McDs.
She got ketchup all over my shirt. :)
Love my kid.
It's in the low 90s and all I wanted to do was the plan. Take her out. Have a nice day OUT.
But you fucked it up. You got shit faced. AGAIN and ruined plans. AGAIN.
I tolerated the morning. Let you mope around and drag ass.
It was almost 4, Jaiden had napped, you spent all morning on the computer after an hour out with my brother. so I ask if you want to take her for ice cream. "No...my stomach."
Really?
I'm not asking for you. It's for her.
So. I went alone. "We'll leave Daddy here by himself" was all I said.
She needs to be outside.
We plopped into McDonlads first but the PlayPlace there was too much for little lovey. So I got her some fries, which she ate most of, some apple juice, she made googly eyes at some customers, wanted to go play with kids who were with their family and had about 4 years on her.
And then my Dad offered to take her to the park.
I said "Swings? Slides? Kids? Sure. Why not."
I return home and where is he?
Asleep.
But it's such a beautiful day and I won't let you ruin it.
So I'll relax and wait for her to return, then get her ice cream like I said I would.
Took a couple pictures of her at McDs.
She got ketchup all over my shirt. :)
Love my kid.
I know
I always know when somethings wrong. I knew the first time and when confronted, he lied. So I expected no different when it looked like it was happening again. It's not a habit. But when the feeling strikes. I look. And both times I was right.
It's 3.14Am now and I'm still uneasy. Why? Vegas is coming. I watched him get drunk tonight and heard him say it's what he does when he's away. He spends most of his time when he's not working, drunk. Only need 4 hours of recovery time. I don't doubt it's what he does. But the reminder of San Francisco and Los Angeles weighs heavier as the time draws nearer.
Will it happen again?
Someone new?
Someone not?
Will I know?
I'm upset at the wrong time for something I can't help and nothing can reassure me. Not even him because he's lied so many fucking times it's beyond forgiveness. I live with fear not love in my heart.
I want the strength to face this and I can't.
Every waking day that void grows and the pain fills it.
Are you that lonely?
Are you that needy?
Greedy? Selfish?
What is it that compels you that you can't face?
What drives you beyond knowing you've got it fucking MADE and you want more?
You're in pain right now and I hope it hurts ... Really hurts. It's upsetting who put you there because all he becomes is someone in my family for you to ill speak and hate... Someone for you to avoid.
But I hope this pain stays with you. Til I inflict my own that resides in you. It should be a constant and painful reminder of every lie, every wanton thought that wasn't for me while with me. Every text. Every call. Every picture. Every secret meeting.
I want it to hurt you for twice as long as you've hurt me.
And I want you to know why.
Because I know.
Sent from my iPhone
Fabricated
You're so pretty on the outside
Easy on the eyes
It would be simple to fall for you
To not see your lies
Your voice like satin
Wrap me in their embrace
I'd be lost in your kiss
Your venom. No taste
Safety a folly
You're the safest between us
Because no matter your lengths
There'd be no trust
As fake as your words
Your heart knows its fate; jaded
I won't find out fast enough
Just how much you're fabricated.
...I don't know why I wrote that but I'm too cool to delete it. Lol.
Sent from my iPhone
Easy on the eyes
It would be simple to fall for you
To not see your lies
Your voice like satin
Wrap me in their embrace
I'd be lost in your kiss
Your venom. No taste
Safety a folly
You're the safest between us
Because no matter your lengths
There'd be no trust
As fake as your words
Your heart knows its fate; jaded
I won't find out fast enough
Just how much you're fabricated.
...I don't know why I wrote that but I'm too cool to delete it. Lol.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, July 8, 2011
Utter clutter
That's how I've felt today in my head. So messy and unmanageable. Very soon it will be four years since my ex and I broke up. We didn't talk for quite some time in between. I genuinely loved and cared for him. I know I'll delve onto a post about him sooner or later .. My minds a twisted myriad of crap at the moment. He calls and checks up on me now and then. Yesterday being one if those days. We don't talk on a regular basis at all. But when I felt myself falling into the deep despair before I knew her, he was the one I would ..'try' to reach out to. Not for advice, not even for comfort. But to listen. My verbal beating post. Because sometimes.
I get tired of my own voice.
I get tired of the things it says in my head.
I get tired of over analyzing.
He just started seeing someone. The first real one after me. She's managed to move in already too. He says she's good for him. To him. She really cares and loves him and he doesn't want to mess that up. I think he shouldn't want to either. Over the last few months I should say, I'd seen him twice. He's been over while Chris is at work and never stays long. The few texts. The calls. He'd started to keep them from her. Til I let him realize.. If she did it to him, he wouldn't take too lightly to it.
Chris... Has too many exes to count. He's introduced me to 1 while we were friends and 2 while we were dating. Heh imagine that right....
Introduce the old to the new...
I felt stupid both times. The first one while we were dating thought I didn't like her. She spent no time with me to come up with that deduction. The second one filled me in about how much they talked about me like I was broken and in need of fixing.
I've proven myself and my faithfulness time and time again so .. But for the sake of the new relationship Mike is in. Despite the fact he says it feels like she smothers him. I keep my distance...
We agreed that there was to be no check ins or check ups. Nothing hidden from his current beau.
But today he asks of my plans for Friday. I have none. I have no car. No money. And a toddler. I ask why. He said he wanted to stop by. I take the opportunity to remind him that we can't have it unless he plans to tell his girlfriend.
I get tired of my own voice.
I get tired of the things it says in my head.
I get tired of over analyzing.
He just started seeing someone. The first real one after me. She's managed to move in already too. He says she's good for him. To him. She really cares and loves him and he doesn't want to mess that up. I think he shouldn't want to either. Over the last few months I should say, I'd seen him twice. He's been over while Chris is at work and never stays long. The few texts. The calls. He'd started to keep them from her. Til I let him realize.. If she did it to him, he wouldn't take too lightly to it.
Chris... Has too many exes to count. He's introduced me to 1 while we were friends and 2 while we were dating. Heh imagine that right....
Introduce the old to the new...
I felt stupid both times. The first one while we were dating thought I didn't like her. She spent no time with me to come up with that deduction. The second one filled me in about how much they talked about me like I was broken and in need of fixing.
I've proven myself and my faithfulness time and time again so .. But for the sake of the new relationship Mike is in. Despite the fact he says it feels like she smothers him. I keep my distance...
We agreed that there was to be no check ins or check ups. Nothing hidden from his current beau.
But today he asks of my plans for Friday. I have none. I have no car. No money. And a toddler. I ask why. He said he wanted to stop by. I take the opportunity to remind him that we can't have it unless he plans to tell his girlfriend.
Silence.
He catches me on AIM and says he fell asleep.
I ask if he got my reply. He hadn't.
I would be upset if the roles were reversed and Chris did this to me. But he's done worse. In my time if need I was neglected. I was lied to over and over again. Misled and misused. I feel bad for having my ex here. Not for Chris .. I just know my own hurt. I'm not saying he deserves it. But I didn't either.
I don't know if I'll see him tomorrow.
It may bother me if I do.
But everybody needs somebody. Sometimes.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, July 7, 2011
My girlfriend
It's actually the title of a song by a band he loves. We actually have a similar taste in music but mine is more diversified. I enjoy country. Industrial. Instrumental. Classical. Big band. But when I hear that song above. I often wonder. If asked... "tell me about her.. What's she like? What do you like about her? Why are you with her?.. " what would he say? I've more often than not been someone to be highly spoken. Proud of. Appreciated. I was good at everything I put my mind to. School. Work. Any goal I had.
Would he be proud to talk about me?
Would he be proud to talk about me?
Would he express true feelings in his words or would they be yet another facade ... ?
As life progresses.. I find that if it gets easier, it gets boring. If there's bumps. If it's hard. It requires work. Maintenance. It's mite enjoyable that way ... But only if you're willing. Able. The 'ready' part will have to come when it may because 'being ready' is a made up state of mind.
"..my girlfriend.."
I know he doesn't talk about me. Like tonight. He said the woman he was working with kept telling him how beautiful our daughter was. And he kinda threw in a " how beautiful you are" in...
He doesn't have any pictures of me worth showing for someone to make such a comment. I was sad for that moment.
You know how they say men feel neglected when they have a child and the mothers attention is focused on the child and not him? Its how I feel at times. Our daughter is his only possession worth speaking about.
He used to have a habit of forgetting me in the past if he's talking to people. It was always "..I'm with my daughter so I'll have to get back to you ." or "I'll try to get a sitter and let you know" or "I couldn't make it because Jaiden kept me up all night" or any number of excuses along those lines that suggested you've dedicated all your time to her and giving the other person the idea of you being a single father.
"my girlfriend.."
You forget how sympathetic I am to your needs after a long day or a hectic week. How caring I am if you're sick. But it never gets reciprocated. You've never come home and ask me how MY day was ....
Or if I need anything.
"my girlfriend"
Who am I to you? Just the person who cooks. Cleans. Takes care of the bills. Our child. Am I a roommate with benefits? I asked that before and was told "no." ... But when I give so much and get so little in return... I feel robbed.
"my girlfriend."
I want to be someone you can brag about. I'm not hot but I'm not hideous. You never tell me "hey.. You look nice today."
When we go out, I dress to impress. I like looking good. I rarely wear make up and in the past I never have. Now... I see the marks of time under my eyes. The stress on my nose and forehead. The weight of everything I carry inside and out residing in my back.
"my girlfriend"... Is doing more than she should and you acknowledge the fact that all you do is pay for things. You do nothing else. Next to nothing. I suppose I can draw attention to the fact you take the garbage out if I ask. You change, feed, bathe Jaiden if I ask and remind you two or three times after.
I wish you really did treat me like a girlfriend. I'd probably have more fun. I'd feel better. I'd feel safer. I'd see a future for us.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
I can be your Superman
As a daughter, an only daughter, an elder of a young brother, I was the apple of my father's eye. As a baby, I had my own tumbles with babe-ality. My eyes were always a problem. After surgery at a young age, I went on with life with the same desire I had, 8 years ago. From what I was told, I had my own brush with what you would call 'imaginary' or 'fraudulent'. I look back on it as something I overcame without doing much at all.
My parents were put together through their own fairy tale story, which I'll never get tired of hearing, but as a child, you're privy to majority of the good things in your parents life. They shield you from the bad, the unwanted. When it comes down to really thinking about it, I know a story, not THE story, of their beginning. And that's beyond me.
As a child, I watched two outwardly beautiful people, arm in arm, celebrity dressed with the fame to follow the classy threads they frequently outed with.
As a child, I would enjoy the countless hours of simply being a child. Lost outside for majority of the day with friends who were on the same exploratory trail I was. We were young, and interested in everything outside had to offer.
Behind closed doors as the years rolled by and I aged into the creature I am now, I saw love turn to resent, to hate. To something that lay dormant now, 30 years later between the pair many came to know and love.
The stories of infidelity whispered but never voiced out loud, and as the low tier on the totem pole, where no one would see ..I heard.
The fights that subsided for whatever the reason.
The constant phone calls.
The callous words.
The dreams that came.
It all affected me so dramatically. more than I wanted to admit it did.
But through it all, I never like it diminish that my father, was still my father. I looked up to him. I respected him. I loved him.
Genetics have been oh, so favorable to them both, and then in turn to us. We don't look our ages. But the body is as old as the body is. It will feel the toll of the years it's passed. My father was always a hard worker, a great provider, a proud man.
Many looked up to him. He was highly praised for all the good he's done, all the time, money and things he'd given so freely. If Karma saw him, she'd cry. He was always a giving man.
But an angry man.
My brother is now the splitting image of his personality, ten fold. It has to be his way or no way at all. They're leaders, not followers. Commanding and demanding. Stubborn and pigheaded.
Aggressive and masculine.
But I'm not here to harp on my Dad.
I'm beginning to face the fact that despite his always being there for me, strong, supportive, immortal in my eyes, he isn't.
When I was called to get him from work,every pain I hear that he says he has or his inability to do something. makes me realize that one day, hopefully not a day soon, that I may lose him. And that's a reality all too hard for me to deal with.
Being in this country for as long as we have, and for the years he's worked as hard as he has, they've never had health are benefits. Why? Spent a long time working under the table or health insurance was almost the entire paycheck. Unattainable.
He's always been a man of manual labor. Not an office type. An early riser. A go getter.
Always on time. Always ready and prepared.
With all the crap I deal with on a daily basis in my own life, I can't face the sound of hearing I am in for more loss. Not yet.
I can't lose my Superman to his Kryptonite.
My parents were put together through their own fairy tale story, which I'll never get tired of hearing, but as a child, you're privy to majority of the good things in your parents life. They shield you from the bad, the unwanted. When it comes down to really thinking about it, I know a story, not THE story, of their beginning. And that's beyond me.
As a child, I watched two outwardly beautiful people, arm in arm, celebrity dressed with the fame to follow the classy threads they frequently outed with.
As a child, I would enjoy the countless hours of simply being a child. Lost outside for majority of the day with friends who were on the same exploratory trail I was. We were young, and interested in everything outside had to offer.
Behind closed doors as the years rolled by and I aged into the creature I am now, I saw love turn to resent, to hate. To something that lay dormant now, 30 years later between the pair many came to know and love.
The stories of infidelity whispered but never voiced out loud, and as the low tier on the totem pole, where no one would see ..I heard.
The fights that subsided for whatever the reason.
The constant phone calls.
The callous words.
The dreams that came.
It all affected me so dramatically. more than I wanted to admit it did.
But through it all, I never like it diminish that my father, was still my father. I looked up to him. I respected him. I loved him.
Genetics have been oh, so favorable to them both, and then in turn to us. We don't look our ages. But the body is as old as the body is. It will feel the toll of the years it's passed. My father was always a hard worker, a great provider, a proud man.
Many looked up to him. He was highly praised for all the good he's done, all the time, money and things he'd given so freely. If Karma saw him, she'd cry. He was always a giving man.
But an angry man.
My brother is now the splitting image of his personality, ten fold. It has to be his way or no way at all. They're leaders, not followers. Commanding and demanding. Stubborn and pigheaded.
Aggressive and masculine.
But I'm not here to harp on my Dad.
I'm beginning to face the fact that despite his always being there for me, strong, supportive, immortal in my eyes, he isn't.
When I was called to get him from work,every pain I hear that he says he has or his inability to do something. makes me realize that one day, hopefully not a day soon, that I may lose him. And that's a reality all too hard for me to deal with.
Being in this country for as long as we have, and for the years he's worked as hard as he has, they've never had health are benefits. Why? Spent a long time working under the table or health insurance was almost the entire paycheck. Unattainable.
He's always been a man of manual labor. Not an office type. An early riser. A go getter.
Always on time. Always ready and prepared.
With all the crap I deal with on a daily basis in my own life, I can't face the sound of hearing I am in for more loss. Not yet.
I can't lose my Superman to his Kryptonite.
Make me bad..
The past few weeks have been nothing short of a typical 'rollercoaster ride' as it were. I used to believe, that if I had nothing to hide, nothing could hurt me, haunt me. Come back and bite me in the ass. Don't get me wrong, if I needed to cover my tracks about something, I could, no doublt about it.
Bu in the wake of the last few weeks, I've...found out about a hidden 'friend' he met. Found and erased pictures of said 'friend'. Stole her number and went after her like some crazed bloodhound. Fear, my wheelman, anger, my passenger, steadily badgering the driver to go ...faster...don't stop...run the lights, swerve past the cars, screw the damn pedestrians. JUST. GO.
I was met with some unnerving truths, and then some.
I'd gone from having nothing to hide, to hiding it all.
Kept my cellphone on lock down (which I need to do for the new one) and I rarely leave my web pages up. Why?
The truth?
I was writing, bit by bit today as my daughter napped. So amidst a few other tabs, the paragraph lay. I had a few others up. I had gotten up to go put her on the bed to sleep and when I returned, my stomach was in my throat for all of 3 seconds. 3 slow, painfully gnawing seconds. He was sitting in my chair. At my desk. Reading. I maintained my cool. Walked around and...low and behold. It was the webpage of the news I'd left up.
I stepped across to make as if I was cleaning up toys, and hoped for the love of all things shiny and new, and perhaps squeaky, that he'd take no notice to the other pages above.
I'll ever so often still throw out to him that he can look in my phone, but I know he won't.
Before I got my new phone I had pictures saved on there that he wasn't supposed to know I had. I hadn't erased them yet because I hadn't emailed them to myself. And he begged...and I said no.
After I replaced it, I wanted to see if I could get the some odd 1200 pictures off the memory card onto the new phone ...
I have on occasion taken semi and nude photos of myself, just not my face, to send to him when he's gone out of state.
I actually sent him some while he was in San Fransisco. Drunk off his ass, no less.
In forgetting that I'd already erased the 'evidence' (the hidden pictures he had on his phone) ..I spazzed a bit when he wanted to see the other pictures I had. I didn't know what I had or hadn't erased by then. Too much was happening and I was lost in the spiral of it all. I don't know what he thought. Other than the obvious. I had something to hide. The look he gave me as I pried the memory card out his hand was almost priceless.
I loved it and hated it in the same breath.
But I'm entitled to these secrets. You have yours.
I hate the fact that I need to have secrets, but you make me bad.
Bu in the wake of the last few weeks, I've...found out about a hidden 'friend' he met. Found and erased pictures of said 'friend'. Stole her number and went after her like some crazed bloodhound. Fear, my wheelman, anger, my passenger, steadily badgering the driver to go ...faster...don't stop...run the lights, swerve past the cars, screw the damn pedestrians. JUST. GO.
I was met with some unnerving truths, and then some.
I'd gone from having nothing to hide, to hiding it all.
Kept my cellphone on lock down (which I need to do for the new one) and I rarely leave my web pages up. Why?
The truth?
I was writing, bit by bit today as my daughter napped. So amidst a few other tabs, the paragraph lay. I had a few others up. I had gotten up to go put her on the bed to sleep and when I returned, my stomach was in my throat for all of 3 seconds. 3 slow, painfully gnawing seconds. He was sitting in my chair. At my desk. Reading. I maintained my cool. Walked around and...low and behold. It was the webpage of the news I'd left up.
I stepped across to make as if I was cleaning up toys, and hoped for the love of all things shiny and new, and perhaps squeaky, that he'd take no notice to the other pages above.
I'll ever so often still throw out to him that he can look in my phone, but I know he won't.
Before I got my new phone I had pictures saved on there that he wasn't supposed to know I had. I hadn't erased them yet because I hadn't emailed them to myself. And he begged...and I said no.
After I replaced it, I wanted to see if I could get the some odd 1200 pictures off the memory card onto the new phone ...
I have on occasion taken semi and nude photos of myself, just not my face, to send to him when he's gone out of state.
I actually sent him some while he was in San Fransisco. Drunk off his ass, no less.
In forgetting that I'd already erased the 'evidence' (the hidden pictures he had on his phone) ..I spazzed a bit when he wanted to see the other pictures I had. I didn't know what I had or hadn't erased by then. Too much was happening and I was lost in the spiral of it all. I don't know what he thought. Other than the obvious. I had something to hide. The look he gave me as I pried the memory card out his hand was almost priceless.
I loved it and hated it in the same breath.
But I'm entitled to these secrets. You have yours.
I hate the fact that I need to have secrets, but you make me bad.
Solace in words
I find when I talk about things without being allowed to over analyze them, I may get a better perspective of what I may be doing wrong. I know I have a habit of wanting to be right. (so he says).
"I'm not a perfect person.."
This song is the epitome of how he makes me feel. I know I've made mistakes. I've said things in anger and hurt and I can't reverse any if it. I can't erase the pain .. The wounds words leave behind for I have many ...
I spend a great deal of time talking to someone who, under any good circumstance .. I might have never met. She allows me the space and time to just release whatever energy I need to.. Be it positive or negative.. And she bears with me. She doesn't sugarcoat any if her advice or opinions ..for that I'm glad because when I talk to her I take my 'handle with care' sign down ....
She has nothing to gain or lose if I choose to listen or turn a deaf ear to her. Unbiased. But she is and has helped me in an extraordinary way. I do try to never be overbearing because everyone has their own troubles to handle.
I lose myself a lot and when turmoil finds me before I find myself I turn to her first ... I don't know why. I needed her in the beginning. It's Been a lil while and though I stumble around a fair deal still ... I'm trying to cope on my own.
She knows how grateful I am for all she's done for me but I feel the need to say my 'thank yous' every now and then.
More than a stranger
Less than a friend
I didn't know what I was doing
You let me voice what I couldn't have otherwise penned
More than a stranger
Less than my friend
I feel greedy for stealing your time
But without you I'd be at wit's end.
More than a stranger
Maybe a friend
The days carried on with our words throughout the hours
I found a familiar voice whenever I hit 'send'.
More than a stranger
Maybe my friend
I've never met you
But this was closer than I'd intend.
More than a stranger
Just like a friend
Just like a woman; me
One I never thought I'd befriend.
Far from a stranger
From your point of view, I don't know where I stand
I don't know much except you're there for me when I need you
If with no words, but with an unseen friend's comforting hand.
-7.611.
2.07am
I know I'm not as strong as she is.
Maybe one day I will be.
Whenever I think back of how this became, it ails me. To know just what lengths I went to to find out who she was. And why she was. Which was, nothing at all, nothing harmful, that is. At her own accord. Not his.
I enjoy the fact, as morbid as this may sound, that the miles that separate us don't matter ..our problems are more oft than not, similar, but unique to the individual dealing with them. We are, two different people, of course.
I know she shares with me. I feel proud of the fact that she does.
I feel, less of an exile when we speak, rather than sitting here in this small apartment with the one person I love second to one, more than life itself, and infuriates me in the same breath, more than anything.
I find solace in just knowing, someone so far away...cares enough to not leave me on my knees when I didn't need a hand, but just a voice to urge me upward and forward.
I wasn't seeking anything.
But I accept the encouragement she brings me.
Thank you Sharra.
"I'm not a perfect person.."
This song is the epitome of how he makes me feel. I know I've made mistakes. I've said things in anger and hurt and I can't reverse any if it. I can't erase the pain .. The wounds words leave behind for I have many ...
I spend a great deal of time talking to someone who, under any good circumstance .. I might have never met. She allows me the space and time to just release whatever energy I need to.. Be it positive or negative.. And she bears with me. She doesn't sugarcoat any if her advice or opinions ..for that I'm glad because when I talk to her I take my 'handle with care' sign down ....
She has nothing to gain or lose if I choose to listen or turn a deaf ear to her. Unbiased. But she is and has helped me in an extraordinary way. I do try to never be overbearing because everyone has their own troubles to handle.
I lose myself a lot and when turmoil finds me before I find myself I turn to her first ... I don't know why. I needed her in the beginning. It's Been a lil while and though I stumble around a fair deal still ... I'm trying to cope on my own.
She knows how grateful I am for all she's done for me but I feel the need to say my 'thank yous' every now and then.
More than a stranger
Less than a friend
I didn't know what I was doing
You let me voice what I couldn't have otherwise penned
More than a stranger
Less than my friend
I feel greedy for stealing your time
But without you I'd be at wit's end.
More than a stranger
Maybe a friend
The days carried on with our words throughout the hours
I found a familiar voice whenever I hit 'send'.
More than a stranger
Maybe my friend
I've never met you
But this was closer than I'd intend.
More than a stranger
Just like a friend
Just like a woman; me
One I never thought I'd befriend.
Far from a stranger
From your point of view, I don't know where I stand
I don't know much except you're there for me when I need you
If with no words, but with an unseen friend's comforting hand.
-7.611.
2.07am
I know I'm not as strong as she is.
Maybe one day I will be.
Whenever I think back of how this became, it ails me. To know just what lengths I went to to find out who she was. And why she was. Which was, nothing at all, nothing harmful, that is. At her own accord. Not his.
I enjoy the fact, as morbid as this may sound, that the miles that separate us don't matter ..our problems are more oft than not, similar, but unique to the individual dealing with them. We are, two different people, of course.
I know she shares with me. I feel proud of the fact that she does.
I feel, less of an exile when we speak, rather than sitting here in this small apartment with the one person I love second to one, more than life itself, and infuriates me in the same breath, more than anything.
I find solace in just knowing, someone so far away...cares enough to not leave me on my knees when I didn't need a hand, but just a voice to urge me upward and forward.
I wasn't seeking anything.
But I accept the encouragement she brings me.
Thank you Sharra.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Just because
..you made me smile doesn't mean I forget all the rotten things you've done. Do. And will do.
A song doesn't make it all better.
One night doesn't fix what seems like a lifetime of errors.
I tried to forget. But as it stands, I can't.
I'm trying to move forward and I can't.
The person I am when I'm with you feels like the person I knew. When we're alone.
The person I'm with isn't who I knew back then. All the time.
Movies will make me cry but isn't not my life.
Songs will make me reminisce but it won't change anything.
My words...you'll never hear because you're never really listening.
A song doesn't make it all better.
One night doesn't fix what seems like a lifetime of errors.
I tried to forget. But as it stands, I can't.
I'm trying to move forward and I can't.
The person I am when I'm with you feels like the person I knew. When we're alone.
The person I'm with isn't who I knew back then. All the time.
Movies will make me cry but isn't not my life.
Songs will make me reminisce but it won't change anything.
My words...you'll never hear because you're never really listening.
Try
He said try not to take it personally when he finishes with porn.. But if you're never with me how can't I? You never want me. You ...
I hate you ...more and more. Day by day.. I hate you so much ...
I hate you ...more and more. Day by day.. I hate you so much ...
Sent from my iPhone
Dying inside
Literally in tears "try.." he says. I happened to catch him, yet again watching lesbian porn this morning and once more the sense of dejection and the reminder of how many times I get rejected comes to mind. When I spoke to the second woman.. She asked if we have sex.. I think I lied because I said yes. We don't except if he's in the mood..
We have sex twice a month at most.
I asked him if he finishes when he watches porn. "on occasion .." yet I have to beg and be turned down so many times. What about my needs?
I hate myself every waking moment...
Every day I have to go through this hollow hell.
So used.
"is it me?"....
"no"....
"so why am I rejected..?"....
"I don't have an answer for you."
I can't hold on like this...
We have sex twice a month at most.
I asked him if he finishes when he watches porn. "on occasion .." yet I have to beg and be turned down so many times. What about my needs?
I hate myself every waking moment...
Every day I have to go through this hollow hell.
So used.
"is it me?"....
"no"....
"so why am I rejected..?"....
"I don't have an answer for you."
I can't hold on like this...
Someone else has to love me better than this ..
Someone else needs to want me better than this..
I can't hold on anymore. All the lonely nights in an empty bed. The wet pillow cases. The loveless motions and vacant words. Someone wake him up or save me before I fall to unmendable pieces...
Sent from my iPhone
I let it go
You get the luxury of sleeping to whatever time you want. You don't make breakfast for any of us. You don't cater to my needs if I'm sick. Or hers. I only gave you the same reminder you gave me. She's two. But I do everything for her. I can't trust you to even feed her if I leave for a few hours because I have in the past and you STAYED asleep while she wandered awake. Wet. Hungry. You're irresponsible when it comes to your child.
I get it, you were hung over, but I was sick from bad food. Didn't matter to you. If it were up to ME, she wouldn't still be wanting it because I wanted to stop when she was 1. But you insisted she was too young and she could have it a while longer. Well, she's 2 now. And I FEEL it's time it's gone. I didn't ask your opinion. Not once. It's time. I'm mom. I'm the primary caregiver, shit taker, do-it-aller. So it's not your call. So if she wants to cry and scream and have a fit, she can. Doesn't mean she can have it.
I don't care if YOUR need to have quiet is bypassed by my sticking to my guns and saying "No!" to you. because just how you can say "I don't care." ..neither do I. About your feelings.
She's having a tantrum. Let her. Are YOU going to fix it when it worsens and she wants other things? No. You aren't. You're never around. You're never the one to teach her a DAMN thing. You rarely, barely, if ever pay any attention to her. You don't have the right to say much now.
*rant*
(this is what I wanted to say today but didn't*)
..I'm well aware you don't care if she'll be fine without it. But just like you can tell me 'She's only 2' you need to be reminded that too when you flip out when she turns off the computer while you're playing a game. Or she loses an item from your wallet that YOU GAVE HER to play with. So because she wants to cry her eyes out because she can't have something then fine. But she has to understand the meaning of no. The pacifier is not a reward. It is not something to give her to make her shut up. It's not 'cold turkey' as you put it. She's fine without it all day and have gone with out it for numerous nights. She can do without it. THIS IS PARENTING!
*/endrant*
You can't bail your own laziness out by giving in to her every whim. Sorry. If I have to be the badguy ALL the time then so be it. I'm not wrong. I gave in for a whole year. She's a child. If I fold now, she'll know to have a fit and win every time. NOT. WITH. ME.
And I'll say no to you too.
You're obviously not with me.
So you're against me.
If you can't back me up on something SO simple, then I expect nothing more from you in the future when it comes to the bigger things.
How's she gonna learn anything about values. Morals. Manners. You're gonna be like every other dirt bag dad and 'BUY 'your way through parenting.
I let your mom fuck up once with me. Not gonna happen again. Not gonna happen with you.
My kid.
My rules.
Fuck you.
I get it, you were hung over, but I was sick from bad food. Didn't matter to you. If it were up to ME, she wouldn't still be wanting it because I wanted to stop when she was 1. But you insisted she was too young and she could have it a while longer. Well, she's 2 now. And I FEEL it's time it's gone. I didn't ask your opinion. Not once. It's time. I'm mom. I'm the primary caregiver, shit taker, do-it-aller. So it's not your call. So if she wants to cry and scream and have a fit, she can. Doesn't mean she can have it.
I don't care if YOUR need to have quiet is bypassed by my sticking to my guns and saying "No!" to you. because just how you can say "I don't care." ..neither do I. About your feelings.
She's having a tantrum. Let her. Are YOU going to fix it when it worsens and she wants other things? No. You aren't. You're never around. You're never the one to teach her a DAMN thing. You rarely, barely, if ever pay any attention to her. You don't have the right to say much now.
*rant*
(this is what I wanted to say today but didn't*)
..I'm well aware you don't care if she'll be fine without it. But just like you can tell me 'She's only 2' you need to be reminded that too when you flip out when she turns off the computer while you're playing a game. Or she loses an item from your wallet that YOU GAVE HER to play with. So because she wants to cry her eyes out because she can't have something then fine. But she has to understand the meaning of no. The pacifier is not a reward. It is not something to give her to make her shut up. It's not 'cold turkey' as you put it. She's fine without it all day and have gone with out it for numerous nights. She can do without it. THIS IS PARENTING!
*/endrant*
You can't bail your own laziness out by giving in to her every whim. Sorry. If I have to be the badguy ALL the time then so be it. I'm not wrong. I gave in for a whole year. She's a child. If I fold now, she'll know to have a fit and win every time. NOT. WITH. ME.
And I'll say no to you too.
You're obviously not with me.
So you're against me.
If you can't back me up on something SO simple, then I expect nothing more from you in the future when it comes to the bigger things.
How's she gonna learn anything about values. Morals. Manners. You're gonna be like every other dirt bag dad and 'BUY 'your way through parenting.
I let your mom fuck up once with me. Not gonna happen again. Not gonna happen with you.
My kid.
My rules.
Fuck you.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Weird
It's how I've been feeling the past few days all for different reasons, I'm sure. Last night was maybe the one that stuck out the most.
I should start a few years ago. I met him in what I would ca 'the prime of my life'. When things were right. It was way before I met Chris or Mike. We went out on a date or two. Tall. Handsome. Just home from the marines. We talked alot online. If we had pursued it it may have been something good. Our last date was a bittersweet one in that my innocence was still intact.
And he was very understanding.
We remained friends via the Internet .. I watched him meet his now wife. Saw their son and we kept in touch after 7 years? Maybe so. We were young. We've made plans to meet. Have our kids meet but it's not worked out. As it stands now, we talk online still. A lot. Almost always about our kids, relating parental stories and advice. He's currently an at-home dad as his wife's a nurse at a hospital burn unit. He reminds me a great deal of Chris at times. Also. I never told Chris how Jason and I met. He doesn't need to know that past. But he knows we talk now. I enjoy relating so much about our kids and having someone to talk to who understands a long day of chasing tails with a happy toddler. He's very intelligent but there's something about him that keeps me on MY side of the street, so to speak.
We never whine about our significant others or share arguments we've had.
Mostly the positive go told.
As I said. We talk via facebook chat. For hours. And I've never hid it. If I laugh and Chris asks "why?" I will share who and why. I've never erased our chats since face book auto saves them to your message archive...
But last night we were talking about how Netflix has removed 'Dexter' from it's lineup. I'd recently read that they no longer show all the seasons of certain Showtime series so as not to lose paying customers from Tv. They only offer the first two seasons to get you hooked. So we were amidst the second season of it. Today I get on to watch another and...no more Dexter was there ...I mentioned it in passing to Jason as he'd caught me online. So he proceeded to school me in downloading them for free and streaming via the playstation. He went moment by moment patiently with me. Our conversations were always fun and progressive and never inappropriate in any way. No flirting of any kind. As far as he knows, we are both married at home parents.
But as our conversation transgressed last night he went looking for a way to erase that message archive in FB. And he found it. Said he had nothing to hide but based on the fact that he was telling me how to pirate movies, if seemed safe and logical to him.
He said "archive bothers me .. It's not delete. It's put some place I don't know and fuck me with it later" truthfully it made me laugh.
In the past we made plans for him to bring his son to Jaiden's birthday party 2 weeks ago. His wife would be working. But the day before, he left me a message via facebook saying she came home sick so Jonah was at his in laws and he was cleaning so's not to get sick too.
Yesterday we made plans to meet at the local park with our hubbys and kids but my parents had her tonight so I saw no need to go. But at the end of our last talk via facebook he ended the conversation with, And has never done before, a heart.
So .. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe I'm not and he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He may just see me as a friend he talks to on the regular and feels comfortable with...
But I got scared..
And I don't know why.
I should start a few years ago. I met him in what I would ca 'the prime of my life'. When things were right. It was way before I met Chris or Mike. We went out on a date or two. Tall. Handsome. Just home from the marines. We talked alot online. If we had pursued it it may have been something good. Our last date was a bittersweet one in that my innocence was still intact.
And he was very understanding.
We remained friends via the Internet .. I watched him meet his now wife. Saw their son and we kept in touch after 7 years? Maybe so. We were young. We've made plans to meet. Have our kids meet but it's not worked out. As it stands now, we talk online still. A lot. Almost always about our kids, relating parental stories and advice. He's currently an at-home dad as his wife's a nurse at a hospital burn unit. He reminds me a great deal of Chris at times. Also. I never told Chris how Jason and I met. He doesn't need to know that past. But he knows we talk now. I enjoy relating so much about our kids and having someone to talk to who understands a long day of chasing tails with a happy toddler. He's very intelligent but there's something about him that keeps me on MY side of the street, so to speak.
We never whine about our significant others or share arguments we've had.
Mostly the positive go told.
As I said. We talk via facebook chat. For hours. And I've never hid it. If I laugh and Chris asks "why?" I will share who and why. I've never erased our chats since face book auto saves them to your message archive...
But last night we were talking about how Netflix has removed 'Dexter' from it's lineup. I'd recently read that they no longer show all the seasons of certain Showtime series so as not to lose paying customers from Tv. They only offer the first two seasons to get you hooked. So we were amidst the second season of it. Today I get on to watch another and...no more Dexter was there ...I mentioned it in passing to Jason as he'd caught me online. So he proceeded to school me in downloading them for free and streaming via the playstation. He went moment by moment patiently with me. Our conversations were always fun and progressive and never inappropriate in any way. No flirting of any kind. As far as he knows, we are both married at home parents.
But as our conversation transgressed last night he went looking for a way to erase that message archive in FB. And he found it. Said he had nothing to hide but based on the fact that he was telling me how to pirate movies, if seemed safe and logical to him.
He said "archive bothers me .. It's not delete. It's put some place I don't know and fuck me with it later" truthfully it made me laugh.
In the past we made plans for him to bring his son to Jaiden's birthday party 2 weeks ago. His wife would be working. But the day before, he left me a message via facebook saying she came home sick so Jonah was at his in laws and he was cleaning so's not to get sick too.
Yesterday we made plans to meet at the local park with our hubbys and kids but my parents had her tonight so I saw no need to go. But at the end of our last talk via facebook he ended the conversation with, And has never done before, a heart.
So .. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe I'm not and he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He may just see me as a friend he talks to on the regular and feels comfortable with...
But I got scared..
And I don't know why.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, July 1, 2011
It looks like rain
Am I too critical of him? Too silently judgmental? If the day comes and we ever get married am I going to be one of those nagging wives? Ugh for a Friday my brain is on hyperdrive because I have weirdest feeling somethings about to go .. Not right
Sent from my iPhone
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