Rambles

It's in my head. Over and over. Everything he's said. His letter. His actions. The fact that he thinks I'm the one who wants him.
I find it funny that when he calls me he manages to keep me on the phone for ...longer than usual. Maybe it is better he doesn't want to share his heart with me. Share his life with me. (like hell it's better)

I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be just...his friend. Or just the mother of his first born. But I know I can't make him love me. I can't make him be everything I want. I can't make him appear at my door saying all the right words.

I can't make him do anything.
Maybe I don't want to. I want the court date to come so I can see what I'm dealing with. I know he's involving his mother and perhaps outside sources. It's just a feeling.

I just ...he's got a kind heart.
He's not a mean spirited person.
But maybe my heart is obsessed with him, wanting, having and keeping him. Not doing that means defeat. Failure. I've never not pursued something and not had it. Pride. I know that train of thought is pride.
I've been good in no longer telling him I love him. I believe he knows that.
If he loves me back, he'll tell me.



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