I can't stop thinking about him. The hidden secrets. The lack of presence. As sucky as he is I just can't focus on anything but him. Is he happy? Is he thinking of us? Does he miss me? Will next Monday go completely wrong and will it ruin us indefinitely because he thinks I'm trying to hurt him or take her away? Does he ever wonder about us?
It'll be a significant turning point, next week. Court. He might use that as more reason to stay away. Use it to lure other women in. "she tried to take my daughter away by asking for full custody. " ..playing the victim like he had with that girl. That still burns me. To tell her those half truths. Those lies about me, about being with his daughter when he wasn't.
I have half the mind to text her, tell her just how it is. "you know he lied to you. He sees his ex gf every week. He doesn't want to date anyone until he's sure about them. He was miserable because he never tried. Not because of her. He walked out on them. Yes they broke up but that was because he never committed to being a husband/boyfriend/father. Don't let his lies and half truths fool you.
He's afraid to handle responsibility towards anything. This was his easy way out under the camouflage of 'doing the right thing'.
But that would just get me in trouble. She isn't worth it nor is he possibly.
But why can't I not think about him so often.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
I spied
I know it was wrong but I had to know. For the last 3 weeks he's been coming over here he's been extremely affectionate. The first time, yes, it was raw, fresh, and I was hurt. The second time was a week ago, exactly. Last Sunday. He wanted to have dinner. So we got together at the apartment, we ordered in. He took Jaiden to the park. They returned as the food arrived. We sat together. We ate. It was nice.
And as Jaiden nodded off, we sought quiet refuge in the bedroom for a little while. And then the bathroom.
There were no condoms so we couldn't actually do it. But we both found endings regardless.
Just as Jaiden woke up too.
Since then he'd called a few times, was supposed to take Jaiden out Monday but he never showed. Said he was in pain due to extensive dental work.
The week went past. I didn't text. Called only when Jaiden asked to speak to her Daddy.
Saturday night he said he wanted to see us today, Sunday. Said 2.30pm. I said ok. Went to work. Came home. Kept Jaiden awake instead of having her nap. Showered. Readied. 2.30...3.00...3.12 he texts. He's doing his time card. He'll be over in a bit. I didn't reply. 4.00...4.30..I took her outside to play. Did anything I could to keep her awake. Til I couldn't anymore. 5.00 she fell asleep. 15 minutes later, my bell rings. Low and behold. Told him she was asleep.
He stayed. The whole hour went by. He said he would go. I said ok. But he didn't leave. Instead all the insignificant touches throughout the hour led up to more foreplay. Another hour went by. I was still completely dressed but he was almost undone. 7.08 after all the whispered words, the soft kisses ..she awoke.....
And I was relieved.
After I got her while allowing him to dress, he took her outside. But left his phone inside.
This is where I did the wrong deed. I looked. Not at it all. I was looking for just 1. Amazing how I knew which it was.
A girl named Kerry from a store he visits. I didn't read it all and from the look of it he had deleted the previous ones. It started of with her asking what happened to him and his gf. And how was his daughter.
He said we broke up. And he was taking Jaiden to the zoo. A lie. He didn't. She said she was sorry - he said it was ok and that he was miserable for a long while. We were going to court for custody.
Further down, he was at a bar, felt old. Said dating again was going to be difficult. She consoled him. Said girls like single dads. He asked if she had any single friends. Then said he was joking...partially. She said she had more male than female friends. He said he was joking anyways. Scrolled down and he told her they really should get together before she left. I guess she was going somewhere. Then he said 'sweet dreams Hun' ..
I didn't read anything after that.
I was hurt. He's playing the victim card by omitting parts of the truth. Yeah we broke up but you never said we talk almost daily. You never said yeah I slept with her and did stuff after I broke her heart. You never said all the outings you have with Jaiden that you actually show up for, I'm there too. You never told her YOU were why you weren't happy. You never said I did everything I could to make you happy. But after 5 years you didn't want me.
All the things you NEVER SAID.
You never said you didn't want to think about dating til you were sure about us.
I was so sad. So hurt. Because everything you did say to her, was half truths. And I didn't deserve that.
I realize now it'll be a long while before you really see what you lost. Because you're too busy lying about how it happened.
I'm glad it didn't go further today. I'm too weak yet to say no to you.
I still love you and I'm too stupid to realize you're using me.
Sent from my iPhone
And as Jaiden nodded off, we sought quiet refuge in the bedroom for a little while. And then the bathroom.
There were no condoms so we couldn't actually do it. But we both found endings regardless.
Just as Jaiden woke up too.
Since then he'd called a few times, was supposed to take Jaiden out Monday but he never showed. Said he was in pain due to extensive dental work.
The week went past. I didn't text. Called only when Jaiden asked to speak to her Daddy.
Saturday night he said he wanted to see us today, Sunday. Said 2.30pm. I said ok. Went to work. Came home. Kept Jaiden awake instead of having her nap. Showered. Readied. 2.30...3.00...3.12 he texts. He's doing his time card. He'll be over in a bit. I didn't reply. 4.00...4.30..I took her outside to play. Did anything I could to keep her awake. Til I couldn't anymore. 5.00 she fell asleep. 15 minutes later, my bell rings. Low and behold. Told him she was asleep.
He stayed. The whole hour went by. He said he would go. I said ok. But he didn't leave. Instead all the insignificant touches throughout the hour led up to more foreplay. Another hour went by. I was still completely dressed but he was almost undone. 7.08 after all the whispered words, the soft kisses ..she awoke.....
And I was relieved.
After I got her while allowing him to dress, he took her outside. But left his phone inside.
This is where I did the wrong deed. I looked. Not at it all. I was looking for just 1. Amazing how I knew which it was.
A girl named Kerry from a store he visits. I didn't read it all and from the look of it he had deleted the previous ones. It started of with her asking what happened to him and his gf. And how was his daughter.
He said we broke up. And he was taking Jaiden to the zoo. A lie. He didn't. She said she was sorry - he said it was ok and that he was miserable for a long while. We were going to court for custody.
Further down, he was at a bar, felt old. Said dating again was going to be difficult. She consoled him. Said girls like single dads. He asked if she had any single friends. Then said he was joking...partially. She said she had more male than female friends. He said he was joking anyways. Scrolled down and he told her they really should get together before she left. I guess she was going somewhere. Then he said 'sweet dreams Hun' ..
I didn't read anything after that.
I was hurt. He's playing the victim card by omitting parts of the truth. Yeah we broke up but you never said we talk almost daily. You never said yeah I slept with her and did stuff after I broke her heart. You never said all the outings you have with Jaiden that you actually show up for, I'm there too. You never told her YOU were why you weren't happy. You never said I did everything I could to make you happy. But after 5 years you didn't want me.
All the things you NEVER SAID.
You never said you didn't want to think about dating til you were sure about us.
I was so sad. So hurt. Because everything you did say to her, was half truths. And I didn't deserve that.
I realize now it'll be a long while before you really see what you lost. Because you're too busy lying about how it happened.
I'm glad it didn't go further today. I'm too weak yet to say no to you.
I still love you and I'm too stupid to realize you're using me.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, July 28, 2012
..not ok
..I've not been feeling like myself for the last day or so. Coming to the realization that this is real and he's gone is hitting me hard.
This is exactly what I wanted.
And it hurts. It hurts thinking I have to leave. REALLY have to leave. To move. REALLY have to move. To watch him move into his own place, FOR REAL. Go through court, REALLY go through it all.
..
I guess I'll start packing.
This is exactly what I wanted.
And it hurts. It hurts thinking I have to leave. REALLY have to leave. To move. REALLY have to move. To watch him move into his own place, FOR REAL. Go through court, REALLY go through it all.
..
I guess I'll start packing.
Friday, July 27, 2012
I think I love you
That was a conversation I had with myself today.
Do you love me?
Ultimately my answer is going to be and always have been -yes.
Why?
.....
What do you love about me?
Your smile, your humor. Your willingness to help others.
But if asked why do I love him I don't have an answer.
He doesn't comfort me.
Console me.
Dream with me.
Plan with me.
Take care of me.
If asked to think. Who would take care of you best if you were to suddenly age drastically. Or become deathly I'll. Who would take care of you best?
I know I can do all that for him. But I also know he cannot do that for me. I could not trust him to take care of things. Take care of me.
And identifying that truth sucks entirely.
I'm wanting and aching so much for someone who can do next to nothing for me or my well being.
I miss and love someone so much ...someone who needs to question or perhaps knows he doesn't love me and can't figure out if he really misses me or is just lonely.
Someone who is happy with me now but is probably happy because he gets to leave at the end. He gets to go ..anywhere but here.
I don't know. I could be wrong.
I still love his voice. Hearing him makes me smile. Majority of the time that he calls, he keeps me on the phone for 30..40 minutes. Or longer. We rarely have a short conversation on the phone.
So maybe he does miss me?
But then there are the days I don't hear from him. At all. Granted they are few. He texts or calls almost every day. He reaches out in some form.
Maybe I should see that. He. Reaches. Out. He might not be saying the things I want him to say right now but he's reaching.
Maybe I should be happy with that as yet. 6 weeks ... Feels like forever ..
Sent from my iPhone
Do you love me?
Ultimately my answer is going to be and always have been -yes.
Why?
.....
What do you love about me?
Your smile, your humor. Your willingness to help others.
But if asked why do I love him I don't have an answer.
He doesn't comfort me.
Console me.
Dream with me.
Plan with me.
Take care of me.
If asked to think. Who would take care of you best if you were to suddenly age drastically. Or become deathly I'll. Who would take care of you best?
I know I can do all that for him. But I also know he cannot do that for me. I could not trust him to take care of things. Take care of me.
And identifying that truth sucks entirely.
I'm wanting and aching so much for someone who can do next to nothing for me or my well being.
I miss and love someone so much ...someone who needs to question or perhaps knows he doesn't love me and can't figure out if he really misses me or is just lonely.
Someone who is happy with me now but is probably happy because he gets to leave at the end. He gets to go ..anywhere but here.
I don't know. I could be wrong.
I still love his voice. Hearing him makes me smile. Majority of the time that he calls, he keeps me on the phone for 30..40 minutes. Or longer. We rarely have a short conversation on the phone.
So maybe he does miss me?
But then there are the days I don't hear from him. At all. Granted they are few. He texts or calls almost every day. He reaches out in some form.
Maybe I should see that. He. Reaches. Out. He might not be saying the things I want him to say right now but he's reaching.
Maybe I should be happy with that as yet. 6 weeks ... Feels like forever ..
Sent from my iPhone
If this posts 3 times I'll freak
It's in my head. Over and over. Everything he's said. His letter. His actions. The fact that he thinks I'm the one who wants him.
I find it funny that when he calls me he manages to keep me on the phone for ...longer than usual. Maybe it is better he doesn't want to share his heart with me. Share his life with me. (like hell it's better)
I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be just...his friend. Or just the mother of his first born. But I know I can't make him love me. I can't make him be everything I want. I can't make him appear at my door saying all the right words.
I can't make him do anything.
Maybe I don't want to. I want the court date to come so I can see what I'm dealing with. I know he's involving his mother and perhaps outside sources. It's just a feeling.
I just ...he's got a kind heart.
He's not a mean spirited person.
But maybe my heart is obsessed with him, wanting, having and keeping him. Not doing that means defeat. Failure. I've never not pursued something and not had it. Pride. I know that train of thought is pride.
I've been good in no longer telling him I love him. I believe he knows that.
If he loves me back, he'll find a way to tell me
Sent from my iPhone
I find it funny that when he calls me he manages to keep me on the phone for ...longer than usual. Maybe it is better he doesn't want to share his heart with me. Share his life with me. (like hell it's better)
I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be just...his friend. Or just the mother of his first born. But I know I can't make him love me. I can't make him be everything I want. I can't make him appear at my door saying all the right words.
I can't make him do anything.
Maybe I don't want to. I want the court date to come so I can see what I'm dealing with. I know he's involving his mother and perhaps outside sources. It's just a feeling.
I just ...he's got a kind heart.
He's not a mean spirited person.
But maybe my heart is obsessed with him, wanting, having and keeping him. Not doing that means defeat. Failure. I've never not pursued something and not had it. Pride. I know that train of thought is pride.
I've been good in no longer telling him I love him. I believe he knows that.
If he loves me back, he'll find a way to tell me
Sent from my iPhone
Rambles
It's in my head. Over and over. Everything he's said. His letter. His actions. The fact that he thinks I'm the one who wants him.
I find it funny that when he calls me he manages to keep me on the phone for ...longer than usual. Maybe it is better he doesn't want to share his heart with me. Share his life with me. (like hell it's better)
I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be just...his friend. Or just the mother of his first born. But I know I can't make him love me. I can't make him be everything I want. I can't make him appear at my door saying all the right words.
I can't make him do anything.
Maybe I don't want to. I want the court date to come so I can see what I'm dealing with. I know he's involving his mother and perhaps outside sources. It's just a feeling.
I just ...he's got a kind heart.
He's not a mean spirited person.
But maybe my heart is obsessed with him, wanting, having and keeping him. Not doing that means defeat. Failure. I've never not pursued something and not had it. Pride. I know that train of thought is pride.
I've been good in no longer telling him I love him. I believe he knows that.
If he loves me back, he'll tell me.
Sent from my iPhone
I find it funny that when he calls me he manages to keep me on the phone for ...longer than usual. Maybe it is better he doesn't want to share his heart with me. Share his life with me. (like hell it's better)
I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be just...his friend. Or just the mother of his first born. But I know I can't make him love me. I can't make him be everything I want. I can't make him appear at my door saying all the right words.
I can't make him do anything.
Maybe I don't want to. I want the court date to come so I can see what I'm dealing with. I know he's involving his mother and perhaps outside sources. It's just a feeling.
I just ...he's got a kind heart.
He's not a mean spirited person.
But maybe my heart is obsessed with him, wanting, having and keeping him. Not doing that means defeat. Failure. I've never not pursued something and not had it. Pride. I know that train of thought is pride.
I've been good in no longer telling him I love him. I believe he knows that.
If he loves me back, he'll tell me.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Finding myself upset
The last few days have been touch and go with my emotions. I'm sad more often than not and then mad at myself for being sad. Mornings find me more depressed than I ought to be. I just can't believe this is my life.
I'm getting more nervous as that initial court date comes because he'll either be ruthless because of his cunt mother or seek sympathy. I feel helpless and out of control.
I'm sad that it's not going to be me. He won't come back for me.
Part of me is ok with that. The other part isn't.
How do you just NOT KNOW ...
Bleh. I run myself in circles honestly.
I'm ok. I'm not ok. I'm ok. I'm not ok.
I want to show my daughter happiness. The good side of love. Show her how wonderful it is. Not the misery. She can tell when I'm sad easier now. And she asks. And I can't lie. Her responses are that we should get daddy back home. We need to go get him.
And I cry because she doesn't understand completely. And it's not fair.
I think he's lying about moving too. He said he went in person to the place and they didn't have a set move in date for him. It may be September 1st or it could be August 15th. How do you not know. How do they not know. It feels shady.
But I don't ask. I try not to call and I've stopped telling him I love him. Stopped texting it. But I feel something's wrong.
And I'm afraid.
Sent from my iPhone
I'm getting more nervous as that initial court date comes because he'll either be ruthless because of his cunt mother or seek sympathy. I feel helpless and out of control.
I'm sad that it's not going to be me. He won't come back for me.
Part of me is ok with that. The other part isn't.
How do you just NOT KNOW ...
Bleh. I run myself in circles honestly.
I'm ok. I'm not ok. I'm ok. I'm not ok.
I want to show my daughter happiness. The good side of love. Show her how wonderful it is. Not the misery. She can tell when I'm sad easier now. And she asks. And I can't lie. Her responses are that we should get daddy back home. We need to go get him.
And I cry because she doesn't understand completely. And it's not fair.
I think he's lying about moving too. He said he went in person to the place and they didn't have a set move in date for him. It may be September 1st or it could be August 15th. How do you not know. How do they not know. It feels shady.
But I don't ask. I try not to call and I've stopped telling him I love him. Stopped texting it. But I feel something's wrong.
And I'm afraid.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, July 22, 2012
A bit of good luck
But still torn in a decision. I have my part time job and since all of this happened with Chris, my main concern since I know Jaiden WILL be taken care of no matter what, was where I'd live. The fact that I'd be breaking my lease and paying fines (all of which he said he'd pay somehow), did make me saddened. Slightly angry but more sad.
So I opted to, after he stopped paying the rent, to move back home with my parents. I'd have to dump a lot of my furniture since I have no where to store what can't be used nor do I have the money to pay monthly storage. It's not expensive furniture, nor is it anything great.
August will be our first time going to court for some mandatory seminar. Our plan is to go together when he returns from Vegas. So that delays it for another week possibly. He hasn't sent the papers yet to get the date changed. So I hope he does it soon and I get a definite date.
I went after a position I should have gone after months ago but the paperwork got delayed or sidetracked. But I never pursued it either back then because I never saw this happening. Never saw it coming like this anyways.
And AND he still has no idea if/when he's moving.
But I told the manager/supervisor that I wanted to work the front desk to open the Fitness Center every morning before she got there at 9am.
Which means I'd have to be at work every morning at 4.30am.
The only incentive? Slightly more pay.
It'll be 4.45am-9am hopefully, and 7 days a week hopefully.
Plus I asked to keep my hours in childcare as is. Which leaves me time to go home and sleep after the first shift, fill in if anyone needs me to AND work my own shifts at night.
The shitty part? I'd possibly have to drag my daughter with me to work at 5am. So that would be struggling to pay rent and bills until I get on the second payroll and til child support kicks in, stick it out til next March and then move. Which means winter, will be a bitch.....UNLESS I move back home with my parents, save the extra income, not worry about food bills, cable, lights or anything.
If I did that (given that I get hired for the time/days I want/asked for), I'd be able to leave home without Jaiden because my mom will be there, go to work and be back in time to either take my mom to work if she needed it OR before Jaiden woke up. Plus I'll have child support to save as well.( if that's a substantial amount)
The downside? I lose my deposit when I move and I can't really go looking for a new place for a few months since it'll be on file that I broke my lease.
My parents have opted to swap rooms and take the den while I take the bedroom with Jaiden. I guess I could suck up the loss of the deposit, the loss of all the unnecessary furniture/toys/clothes that we won't be able to keep. To me, it'll just be so...crowded, so...stifling. BUT it'll be short term. Temporary ..til I can either move again on my own with assurance of steady income, OR (and this is a long shot) Chris comes to his senses and decides to somehow 'choose' me.
I don't know if that'll happen. He'll move into his own place and become comfortable. Video Games when Jaiden's not around and just slumming it. Undone laundry, messy rooms, he'll spend too much on groceries, cable, ...he's not a smart person with buying/financial support. He's very impulse buyer-ish. But that'll be his life when his daughter's not around. BUT he won't have the financial freedom in the long run... I know that much. Rent, bills, car, food, child support? He doesn't make enough. I know his parents will help out a good deal as far as Jaiden is concerned. Her clothes, her bed/furniture, toys.
With this job my social life <--what a joke, LOL HAHAHA ..yeah no...it leaves no room to be out all night. But I'm a single mom so I can't. AND I live at home so I can't.
It's a sacrifice I'll have to make. And a decision I'll have to make soon seeing as how July is almost over.
I spoke to him today since ..Wednesday?
He said he believes in what he's doing and he's not afraid. He says it's still about us and he doesn't want the complications of dating and all it entails. He doesn't want to consider it til he's sure about is.
All of that only came up because since he's moved out someone's been calling me every weekend almost, with a blocked number, 3-4 times every hour..I picked up once the first time it started. It was a woman, said she was Chris' girlfriend. I hung up and let my anger ignore it. It's 2 weeks later and it's happening again. Last night I picked up and ..same voice. she said she was Chris' girlfriend, she was the reason why he left me and he was using me til he could be with her. That hurt more than it should. I hung up. And I was upset. He said he'd been receiving unknown calls the night before but no one said anything.
He thinks it's someone off my Facebook, but it can't be. There's no one on there malicious enough to do that.
At the end of the conversation I told him I missed his voice and I missed him..he reciprocated it. I said I loved him but he didn't have to say it back. I asked if I should not say it, he said I should. I guess that's good. Because for the times I can't fight myself and I do text...at least I won't feel bad for having done it.
The smart choice is to move in a month.
I hope I follow through.
So I opted to, after he stopped paying the rent, to move back home with my parents. I'd have to dump a lot of my furniture since I have no where to store what can't be used nor do I have the money to pay monthly storage. It's not expensive furniture, nor is it anything great.
August will be our first time going to court for some mandatory seminar. Our plan is to go together when he returns from Vegas. So that delays it for another week possibly. He hasn't sent the papers yet to get the date changed. So I hope he does it soon and I get a definite date.
I went after a position I should have gone after months ago but the paperwork got delayed or sidetracked. But I never pursued it either back then because I never saw this happening. Never saw it coming like this anyways.
And AND he still has no idea if/when he's moving.
But I told the manager/supervisor that I wanted to work the front desk to open the Fitness Center every morning before she got there at 9am.
Which means I'd have to be at work every morning at 4.30am.
The only incentive? Slightly more pay.
It'll be 4.45am-9am hopefully, and 7 days a week hopefully.
Plus I asked to keep my hours in childcare as is. Which leaves me time to go home and sleep after the first shift, fill in if anyone needs me to AND work my own shifts at night.
The shitty part? I'd possibly have to drag my daughter with me to work at 5am. So that would be struggling to pay rent and bills until I get on the second payroll and til child support kicks in, stick it out til next March and then move. Which means winter, will be a bitch.....UNLESS I move back home with my parents, save the extra income, not worry about food bills, cable, lights or anything.
If I did that (given that I get hired for the time/days I want/asked for), I'd be able to leave home without Jaiden because my mom will be there, go to work and be back in time to either take my mom to work if she needed it OR before Jaiden woke up. Plus I'll have child support to save as well.( if that's a substantial amount)
The downside? I lose my deposit when I move and I can't really go looking for a new place for a few months since it'll be on file that I broke my lease.
My parents have opted to swap rooms and take the den while I take the bedroom with Jaiden. I guess I could suck up the loss of the deposit, the loss of all the unnecessary furniture/toys/clothes that we won't be able to keep. To me, it'll just be so...crowded, so...stifling. BUT it'll be short term. Temporary ..til I can either move again on my own with assurance of steady income, OR (and this is a long shot) Chris comes to his senses and decides to somehow 'choose' me.
I don't know if that'll happen. He'll move into his own place and become comfortable. Video Games when Jaiden's not around and just slumming it. Undone laundry, messy rooms, he'll spend too much on groceries, cable, ...he's not a smart person with buying/financial support. He's very impulse buyer-ish. But that'll be his life when his daughter's not around. BUT he won't have the financial freedom in the long run... I know that much. Rent, bills, car, food, child support? He doesn't make enough. I know his parents will help out a good deal as far as Jaiden is concerned. Her clothes, her bed/furniture, toys.
With this job my social life <--what a joke, LOL HAHAHA ..yeah no...it leaves no room to be out all night. But I'm a single mom so I can't. AND I live at home so I can't.
It's a sacrifice I'll have to make. And a decision I'll have to make soon seeing as how July is almost over.
I spoke to him today since ..Wednesday?
He said he believes in what he's doing and he's not afraid. He says it's still about us and he doesn't want the complications of dating and all it entails. He doesn't want to consider it til he's sure about is.
All of that only came up because since he's moved out someone's been calling me every weekend almost, with a blocked number, 3-4 times every hour..I picked up once the first time it started. It was a woman, said she was Chris' girlfriend. I hung up and let my anger ignore it. It's 2 weeks later and it's happening again. Last night I picked up and ..same voice. she said she was Chris' girlfriend, she was the reason why he left me and he was using me til he could be with her. That hurt more than it should. I hung up. And I was upset. He said he'd been receiving unknown calls the night before but no one said anything.
He thinks it's someone off my Facebook, but it can't be. There's no one on there malicious enough to do that.
At the end of the conversation I told him I missed his voice and I missed him..he reciprocated it. I said I loved him but he didn't have to say it back. I asked if I should not say it, he said I should. I guess that's good. Because for the times I can't fight myself and I do text...at least I won't feel bad for having done it.
The smart choice is to move in a month.
I hope I follow through.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
All day I've had this immense pain in my chest. Since Thursday truthfully. The kind of pain of heart ache. Fresh. Wounded. Hurt. It lasted up until tonight. And now 4am. I feel sad. Defeated again.
He's gone and I feel empty. Alone. Unloved. Unwanted.
I feel replaced.
Like there's someone else. I don't know if there is but that pain. Lodged in my chest. My throat.
I feel choked up.
Like I could cry and not stop.
Over a month and I feel used. Abandoned.
Rejected.
...I wish I could cry the pain away.
Sent from my iPhone
He's gone and I feel empty. Alone. Unloved. Unwanted.
I feel replaced.
Like there's someone else. I don't know if there is but that pain. Lodged in my chest. My throat.
I feel choked up.
Like I could cry and not stop.
Over a month and I feel used. Abandoned.
Rejected.
...I wish I could cry the pain away.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, July 16, 2012
I miss his voice
...I don't know why but I do. I called him yesterday but left a voice mail which I never do, to tell him I was checking to see how his tooth was. That was it. I know he had two removed the day before. I know the pain and discomfort. I wasn't expecting him to answer ...nor call back. But 2 hours later, he did. He said it was about time that I called him for a change. *blinkblink* I said I was trying to stay out of his way and give him room to do what he's doing. He said I could call, and text him anytime I wanted, and I always know where he is. He said he has no money to go anywhere anyways. I said you don't need money to have a good time.
He's still miserable where he is.
He's happy when he's here with us or out with us but doesn't know if that's because he's not here or if he really does miss us.
He feels like, in moving out by himself, he's doing something for himself, and it's about time. With no one breathing down his neck ...no pressure.
He wants to be on his own. He's happy. But not happy being single.
His family is as excited as he is to be moving into his own place - they can't wait to furnish it for him.
He was ok with getting the custody papers.
Said he'd take me with him to court, but it looks like he'll have to get a date change because he won't be here. Apparently that's the day he flies out to Vegas. He doesn't have a lawyer.
He's expecting to get Jaiden 3xs a week.
I didn't want to tell him he might get visitations during the week and maybe every other weekend with her. My only really question was...and maybe it's intuition, maybe it's the things he says and does...but I know he'lll be back. My question was ..."This is a big price we're paying ..how do we ..undo all of this.?"His response mainly pertained to child support because he said "We call the court and we cancel the whole thing..." I said I didn't know if my heart could take all this. "What do you mean..?" I don't even remember what I said. I just know that...all this. All this...soul searching on his part...all the court, all the anger...the people involved. Is it worth it? He thinks it is.
Then he asked if I wanted to go to the movies this week. Again...shocked. I am a Batman fiend. He knows that. He said we could go Friday because his mouth would be better healed by then ..so he could eat popcorn. o.O I said he could just let me know.
There's a lot I didn't say because I know he's set in his mind and I don't want to stress him out, or pressure him. Or make him unhappy.
With what he does, how he is, I think in his heart he already chose me but he's afraid to do it outwardly, openly, since he's still there in his parent's house. He's waiting to move out and then it'll happen. I could be wrong. *shrugs* Maybe he still is confused about us.
...One of his friends called me to see how I was. I was glad he did that. Billy's very scattered in conversation and talking to him is like talking to a parrot. Short, almost repetitive in conversation and very few replies of his own. He said that about a week after Chris had left he'd called him - trying to tell him what had happened. But Billy was a few drinks in and caught but a few words..he said he remembered Chris saying he didn't know what else to do and he wanted a place where no one would be barging in..Billy assumed or assumes Chris got a bigger place for US. But I let him know Chris went and got a place for himself, same one bedroom, more expensive. He did say that everything Chris is saying and doing makes little sense. The things he's said are things you know within the first few months of being with someone. Not wanting to be with them. Not years. He asked if I talk to Chris. I said that we do speak but it's when Chris initiates it. I don't text nor call which is 99% true. If I have to reach out to him it's more often than not about Jaiden. When we're together things are fine, there's no arguments, no awkwardness.
Billy feels he has little to say to Chris because he'd shut him out for months at a time. And now that his life hit a hole he's reaching out to him. He doesn't think that's fair to him. But he'll listen to him. I said that's all he needs, possibly.
He's banking on moving in a month. He's hoping it's a month because he can't receive confirmation ..it goes to his work email and his work laptop is no good. If not then he'll have to wait til the beginning of September.
Either way Jaiden and I will be moving at the end of August. Oh..joy.
My heart is lost on him. My head is lost in...getting everything else done.
He's still miserable where he is.
He's happy when he's here with us or out with us but doesn't know if that's because he's not here or if he really does miss us.
He feels like, in moving out by himself, he's doing something for himself, and it's about time. With no one breathing down his neck ...no pressure.
He wants to be on his own. He's happy. But not happy being single.
His family is as excited as he is to be moving into his own place - they can't wait to furnish it for him.
He was ok with getting the custody papers.
Said he'd take me with him to court, but it looks like he'll have to get a date change because he won't be here. Apparently that's the day he flies out to Vegas. He doesn't have a lawyer.
He's expecting to get Jaiden 3xs a week.
I didn't want to tell him he might get visitations during the week and maybe every other weekend with her. My only really question was...and maybe it's intuition, maybe it's the things he says and does...but I know he'lll be back. My question was ..."This is a big price we're paying ..how do we ..undo all of this.?"His response mainly pertained to child support because he said "We call the court and we cancel the whole thing..." I said I didn't know if my heart could take all this. "What do you mean..?" I don't even remember what I said. I just know that...all this. All this...soul searching on his part...all the court, all the anger...the people involved. Is it worth it? He thinks it is.
Then he asked if I wanted to go to the movies this week. Again...shocked. I am a Batman fiend. He knows that. He said we could go Friday because his mouth would be better healed by then ..so he could eat popcorn. o.O I said he could just let me know.
There's a lot I didn't say because I know he's set in his mind and I don't want to stress him out, or pressure him. Or make him unhappy.
With what he does, how he is, I think in his heart he already chose me but he's afraid to do it outwardly, openly, since he's still there in his parent's house. He's waiting to move out and then it'll happen. I could be wrong. *shrugs* Maybe he still is confused about us.
...One of his friends called me to see how I was. I was glad he did that. Billy's very scattered in conversation and talking to him is like talking to a parrot. Short, almost repetitive in conversation and very few replies of his own. He said that about a week after Chris had left he'd called him - trying to tell him what had happened. But Billy was a few drinks in and caught but a few words..he said he remembered Chris saying he didn't know what else to do and he wanted a place where no one would be barging in..Billy assumed or assumes Chris got a bigger place for US. But I let him know Chris went and got a place for himself, same one bedroom, more expensive. He did say that everything Chris is saying and doing makes little sense. The things he's said are things you know within the first few months of being with someone. Not wanting to be with them. Not years. He asked if I talk to Chris. I said that we do speak but it's when Chris initiates it. I don't text nor call which is 99% true. If I have to reach out to him it's more often than not about Jaiden. When we're together things are fine, there's no arguments, no awkwardness.
Billy feels he has little to say to Chris because he'd shut him out for months at a time. And now that his life hit a hole he's reaching out to him. He doesn't think that's fair to him. But he'll listen to him. I said that's all he needs, possibly.
He's banking on moving in a month. He's hoping it's a month because he can't receive confirmation ..it goes to his work email and his work laptop is no good. If not then he'll have to wait til the beginning of September.
Either way Jaiden and I will be moving at the end of August. Oh..joy.
My heart is lost on him. My head is lost in...getting everything else done.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Maybe
..that wasn't the brightest thing to do.
We hadn't spoken directly since Monday while on he phone. Then out of the blue, regardless of him randomly texting me every day this week, asks if he can take Jaiden. My response was "Where? I'm at work and she's with my parents." his reply was simply "Bleh"..
So I called and asked him where did he wanna go. He said the park. I told him I'd have my parents take her there and he can bring her to me when he's done or I get home. That would have given him about 2 hours with her.
Instead of saying yes or no, he said "Have you had dinner yet?" I said I hadn't eaten since lunch. He said "Let's go out to dinner. "Just us? "No the three of us. I'll pick you up around 8.30 8.45 so you can change after work."...Alright...
Somehow we always end our conversations with Bye babe/Bye hun. Just like we always had.
He showed at 9. And we walked to the Fridays which was practically next door.
Of course, the usual hugs transpired between him and Jaiden but then he asked me for one. Like always. Dinner was quiet, yet fun. Easy. Jaiden asked if I was sad...I said no. I wasn't. I was also peeling from the excessive heat rash from being at the beach so there was some discomfort.
The walk home was quiet. And he was getting ready to do his whole "I've got to get going" bit. It was just after 11 - And he gave me a hug but...we just never let go. Maybe it was the fact that neither of us had been with anyone else in over a month and 'needed it' or maybe he was testing the waters to see if I'd still give in to him. But Jaiden, who hadn't napped all day, had already passed out and we just couldn't keep our hands away from each other.
Maybe he was just being a man and using me. I hope that's not true.
We both knew we shouldn't because of how I felt, how I feel. And hours of just...what seemed like torture, ended. From the couch to the bedroom ...his name on my lips..our bodies just melted into each other.
And at the end..I cried. Not sad tears...
Just more confused ones. He knows it hurt to have him and then to watch him walk away. I felt the defeat in his body as he held me, his body slumped into that "...Fuck...what did I do...." state.
It didn't change things between us. So he said. He was still as confused.
I still want him.
I want him to come back for me. To fight for us.
..I guess only time will tell.
We hadn't spoken directly since Monday while on he phone. Then out of the blue, regardless of him randomly texting me every day this week, asks if he can take Jaiden. My response was "Where? I'm at work and she's with my parents." his reply was simply "Bleh"..
So I called and asked him where did he wanna go. He said the park. I told him I'd have my parents take her there and he can bring her to me when he's done or I get home. That would have given him about 2 hours with her.
Instead of saying yes or no, he said "Have you had dinner yet?" I said I hadn't eaten since lunch. He said "Let's go out to dinner. "Just us? "No the three of us. I'll pick you up around 8.30 8.45 so you can change after work."...Alright...
Somehow we always end our conversations with Bye babe/Bye hun. Just like we always had.
He showed at 9. And we walked to the Fridays which was practically next door.
Of course, the usual hugs transpired between him and Jaiden but then he asked me for one. Like always. Dinner was quiet, yet fun. Easy. Jaiden asked if I was sad...I said no. I wasn't. I was also peeling from the excessive heat rash from being at the beach so there was some discomfort.
The walk home was quiet. And he was getting ready to do his whole "I've got to get going" bit. It was just after 11 - And he gave me a hug but...we just never let go. Maybe it was the fact that neither of us had been with anyone else in over a month and 'needed it' or maybe he was testing the waters to see if I'd still give in to him. But Jaiden, who hadn't napped all day, had already passed out and we just couldn't keep our hands away from each other.
Maybe he was just being a man and using me. I hope that's not true.
We both knew we shouldn't because of how I felt, how I feel. And hours of just...what seemed like torture, ended. From the couch to the bedroom ...his name on my lips..our bodies just melted into each other.
And at the end..I cried. Not sad tears...
Just more confused ones. He knows it hurt to have him and then to watch him walk away. I felt the defeat in his body as he held me, his body slumped into that "...Fuck...what did I do...." state.
It didn't change things between us. So he said. He was still as confused.
I still want him.
I want him to come back for me. To fight for us.
..I guess only time will tell.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
...random and unnecessary
I don't need your scent in the air
I have it in memory to stay
I don't need to have you here
I can love you from a million miles away
I don't need you to speak
Your voice I hear every day
I don't need you to be here
I can love you from a million miles away
I don't need your embrace
Your warmth lingers within mine, at play
I don't need you to be that close anymore
I can love you from a million miles away
Your heart, your smile
Your eyes, your touch
We don't need to be together anymore
..I can love us even though you're a million miles away.
I have it in memory to stay
I don't need to have you here
I can love you from a million miles away
I don't need you to speak
Your voice I hear every day
I don't need you to be here
I can love you from a million miles away
I don't need your embrace
Your warmth lingers within mine, at play
I don't need you to be that close anymore
I can love you from a million miles away
Your heart, your smile
Your eyes, your touch
We don't need to be together anymore
..I can love us even though you're a million miles away.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Blah
I don't know what to feel. What to think.
I'm trying to just let the days go by til I have to move. I still can't bring myself to pack anything. I can't bring myself to do anything except what I have to do and work. My ex visited today. We don't talk often but when we do it's brief. He's facing a lot being that he's losing his mother slowly but surely.
But all the while he was here, talking, trying to cheer me up, trying to help me sort my head out, I kept thinking of Chris. And while thinking of him, he texted.
I miss his voice. As stupid as that may sound.
I miss his smile.
I miss the way he held my hand as we drove home from the beach. The way he touches my cheek or my chin.
I like this person now. I hate myself for wanting him now. Not that I didn't always want him.
I hate the space between.
I'm trying to just let the days go by til I have to move. I still can't bring myself to pack anything. I can't bring myself to do anything except what I have to do and work. My ex visited today. We don't talk often but when we do it's brief. He's facing a lot being that he's losing his mother slowly but surely.
But all the while he was here, talking, trying to cheer me up, trying to help me sort my head out, I kept thinking of Chris. And while thinking of him, he texted.
I miss his voice. As stupid as that may sound.
I miss his smile.
I miss the way he held my hand as we drove home from the beach. The way he touches my cheek or my chin.
I like this person now. I hate myself for wanting him now. Not that I didn't always want him.
I hate the space between.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
These words
... When she said her friend was losing her marriage it hurt. I don't even know her friend and it hurt. Love had fallen yet again. And here I was on the same path to losing what I want. It's all I could think about today.
And him on the beach. But that's besides the point. She's right. I am sad more than I want to be. When he told me over the phone that in the back of his mind he does want me to wait for him it somehow set me at ease. But then he said he still doesn't want to be with me. And it hurt.
He seems so sure about what he's doing. He seems happy. He was excited to leave and be in his own. That part of life he never got to live seems amazing. He wants it. He said he was excited to get to live on his own because he never had.
Amazing how I'd lived a whole lifetime before him. His is just out of order, somewhat.
Mine was school, job, on my own, boyfriend, moved in with him, moved out, Chris, baby, moved in, broke up. Chris' was school, job, lots of girls, baby, moved in, broke up, moved out.
He said he believed in fate. And while he was on the phone he got that call about him not getting to move for another month and a half. I told him, jokingly of course, God was trying to tell him something.
At least we laughed about it.
I find it warming that he does text me, as random the content, almost every day. Maybe it's the fact he's used to texting me random things, or he's got no one else to share it with. Today was a pink car that he took a picture if while at work, said it would be Jaiden's first.
Yesterday was him telling me the songs he's been addicted to lately. Just...simple things.
At night he's resumed his game playing habits. How do I know? I can see his name and what game he's playing when I get on my PS3.
But it passes the time, right? I know he goes stir crazy there.
Enveloping himself into tv and games is his distracting himself, his running and not dealing with whatever.
In my head, I understand everything thats happening.
I'm trying to get my heart on board with that.
Lately I'm trying to figure out what I truly love and miss about him. Maybe when I have some of those answers I may not ache for him so much. Because it wasn't just him depressed and sad for those 3 years. But I actually tried to make changes.
I need to pack his things away too. Maybe it'll help.
Maybe it won't.
Maybe these are just words.
Sent from my iPhone
And him on the beach. But that's besides the point. She's right. I am sad more than I want to be. When he told me over the phone that in the back of his mind he does want me to wait for him it somehow set me at ease. But then he said he still doesn't want to be with me. And it hurt.
He seems so sure about what he's doing. He seems happy. He was excited to leave and be in his own. That part of life he never got to live seems amazing. He wants it. He said he was excited to get to live on his own because he never had.
Amazing how I'd lived a whole lifetime before him. His is just out of order, somewhat.
Mine was school, job, on my own, boyfriend, moved in with him, moved out, Chris, baby, moved in, broke up. Chris' was school, job, lots of girls, baby, moved in, broke up, moved out.
He said he believed in fate. And while he was on the phone he got that call about him not getting to move for another month and a half. I told him, jokingly of course, God was trying to tell him something.
At least we laughed about it.
I find it warming that he does text me, as random the content, almost every day. Maybe it's the fact he's used to texting me random things, or he's got no one else to share it with. Today was a pink car that he took a picture if while at work, said it would be Jaiden's first.
Yesterday was him telling me the songs he's been addicted to lately. Just...simple things.
At night he's resumed his game playing habits. How do I know? I can see his name and what game he's playing when I get on my PS3.
But it passes the time, right? I know he goes stir crazy there.
Enveloping himself into tv and games is his distracting himself, his running and not dealing with whatever.
In my head, I understand everything thats happening.
I'm trying to get my heart on board with that.
Lately I'm trying to figure out what I truly love and miss about him. Maybe when I have some of those answers I may not ache for him so much. Because it wasn't just him depressed and sad for those 3 years. But I actually tried to make changes.
I need to pack his things away too. Maybe it'll help.
Maybe it won't.
Maybe these are just words.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, July 9, 2012
Utterly confused
That's been my theme lately. And every time I see him it gets more so.
"I still feel like I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to be with you. "...those are and have been his closing words. "I love you but I don't want to be with you.." once again on the phone today.
He popped up on Facebook for the first time in 3 years today. I know he saw everything I've said on mine from the last few days.
But he seemed unphased. I explained it's from days before, days just after it happened. I was angry. He said he knew and he understood. it was fine.
"I think about you guys when I'm sitting alone, I miss you. I miss you a lot. But I don't know if that's just me being lonely."
Yesterday at the beach was surreal.
He got here late but explained why. He was completely prepared. Unbrella, blanket, beach chairs, drinks, food, snacks. I was too. We really did look like a family. Off we went to the beach, for the first time. Ever.
We got there, unloaded and set anything up. Jaiden was excited to get there and see the sand, the water. The waves scared her but she adapted to the sand well. Because of the wind and the waves, he spoke and I couldn't hear. Lots of comments, nothing mean and snide, but rather, flirtatious, said under his breath. He took the liberty of taking several photos even. Of me. When I wasn't looking, but I saw them on his camera.
When we're together it's not strained, not awkward, unless we have to get close. And then I remember. "He broke up with me."
But yesterday - that wasn't present at all. He sat with me while Jaiden was indulging in the sand. And he held me, and he hugged me, and stole what seemed to be less than innocent kisses which turned into a slight moment of making out on the beach, just us. With Jaiden in the background playing in the sand. What made it more perfect? She could look at us to the others passing by and say "It's my mommy and daddy" rather than...something more embarrassing. But that moment felt complete. It felt right. It felt perfect. And he agreed. But then he said he didn't know if that was real, or if it was him just missing me and being lonely - again. And that he couldn't base everything off of "That one time on the beach.."...
It's like he's trying to build more substance to define the relationship to himself.
But it baffles me. Why try so hard and act so...lovingly with someone who you can still say "I don't want to be with you."?
He thinks he's doing this all for Jaiden. All the outings, all the get togethers. The fireworks, the amusement rides, the beach. All for her.
He got bad news today - when he thought he would be moving out in 3 weeks into his new place, has turned into a month and a half, just about. Because the apartment he'd settled for was re-signed by its current tenant for another year. So he goes back on the waiting list.
I found it funny when he mentioned how much his family has offered to FURNISH his new apartment and how much his sister has offered to SELL him her old furniture. <--genius cunt move right there. The bitch is all about money. But then so is her mother.
I'll never forget before all this happened and he was home from the surgery and even before then from not working and he had to borrow money from his parents to go to LA for his job, and they took it RIGHT BACK AS SOON as he got his debit card from disability. He wasn't even here and they just took it. His mother activated the card and withdrew the money. Even after he asked them to wait, and let him pay the bills first or whatever.
They still took it.
Some family right?
We talked today for a long while. On the phone. And he thinks he's right for going, he thinks it'll help him realize if he really does want me or he's fine without me. Again - makes no sense. He said in the back of his head, in the back of him mind, he wants to tell me to wait for him. Because he knows me. He knows how I love. He knows I'll wait. I won't even dream of seeing someone else. Just like he waited for me.
I know what I want.
He knows what I want.
After all the ..'perfectness' on the beach ended yesterday and we drove home - as he exited the apartment he told me he loved me.
Yet - when I brought it up today he said he'd refrain from saying it or being as affectionate. "I know it hurts you so I won't do it. I'm sorry" basically. Yet he's doing it because he WANTS to. If it's how you feel why wouldn't you do/say it.
I get it, but I don't get it.
*sigh*...I love him...
"I still feel like I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to be with you. "...those are and have been his closing words. "I love you but I don't want to be with you.." once again on the phone today.
He popped up on Facebook for the first time in 3 years today. I know he saw everything I've said on mine from the last few days.
But he seemed unphased. I explained it's from days before, days just after it happened. I was angry. He said he knew and he understood. it was fine.
"I think about you guys when I'm sitting alone, I miss you. I miss you a lot. But I don't know if that's just me being lonely."
Yesterday at the beach was surreal.
He got here late but explained why. He was completely prepared. Unbrella, blanket, beach chairs, drinks, food, snacks. I was too. We really did look like a family. Off we went to the beach, for the first time. Ever.
We got there, unloaded and set anything up. Jaiden was excited to get there and see the sand, the water. The waves scared her but she adapted to the sand well. Because of the wind and the waves, he spoke and I couldn't hear. Lots of comments, nothing mean and snide, but rather, flirtatious, said under his breath. He took the liberty of taking several photos even. Of me. When I wasn't looking, but I saw them on his camera.
When we're together it's not strained, not awkward, unless we have to get close. And then I remember. "He broke up with me."
But yesterday - that wasn't present at all. He sat with me while Jaiden was indulging in the sand. And he held me, and he hugged me, and stole what seemed to be less than innocent kisses which turned into a slight moment of making out on the beach, just us. With Jaiden in the background playing in the sand. What made it more perfect? She could look at us to the others passing by and say "It's my mommy and daddy" rather than...something more embarrassing. But that moment felt complete. It felt right. It felt perfect. And he agreed. But then he said he didn't know if that was real, or if it was him just missing me and being lonely - again. And that he couldn't base everything off of "That one time on the beach.."...
It's like he's trying to build more substance to define the relationship to himself.
But it baffles me. Why try so hard and act so...lovingly with someone who you can still say "I don't want to be with you."?
He thinks he's doing this all for Jaiden. All the outings, all the get togethers. The fireworks, the amusement rides, the beach. All for her.
He got bad news today - when he thought he would be moving out in 3 weeks into his new place, has turned into a month and a half, just about. Because the apartment he'd settled for was re-signed by its current tenant for another year. So he goes back on the waiting list.
I found it funny when he mentioned how much his family has offered to FURNISH his new apartment and how much his sister has offered to SELL him her old furniture. <--genius cunt move right there. The bitch is all about money. But then so is her mother.
I'll never forget before all this happened and he was home from the surgery and even before then from not working and he had to borrow money from his parents to go to LA for his job, and they took it RIGHT BACK AS SOON as he got his debit card from disability. He wasn't even here and they just took it. His mother activated the card and withdrew the money. Even after he asked them to wait, and let him pay the bills first or whatever.
They still took it.
Some family right?
We talked today for a long while. On the phone. And he thinks he's right for going, he thinks it'll help him realize if he really does want me or he's fine without me. Again - makes no sense. He said in the back of his head, in the back of him mind, he wants to tell me to wait for him. Because he knows me. He knows how I love. He knows I'll wait. I won't even dream of seeing someone else. Just like he waited for me.
I know what I want.
He knows what I want.
After all the ..'perfectness' on the beach ended yesterday and we drove home - as he exited the apartment he told me he loved me.
Yet - when I brought it up today he said he'd refrain from saying it or being as affectionate. "I know it hurts you so I won't do it. I'm sorry" basically. Yet he's doing it because he WANTS to. If it's how you feel why wouldn't you do/say it.
I get it, but I don't get it.
*sigh*...I love him...
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Unlikely fright
I keep getting sad every time I think of him moving. 3 weeks. And then it hits me every time after - I need to not stay here. I need to not focus on him and what he's doing.
I know he'll have a fit when that court summons appears for him in a few days. Then he'll know it's for real. The paperwork is real. That court date is real. And Child Support is real.
This break up is real.
All these excursions will stop. The not-a-date outings he plans. He'll be angry that I actually did it.
And then he'll decide to not pay the rent or the bills til September like he said he would.
Everytime I start looking, or thinking I feel like I'm overwhelmed and over my head.
I don't want to go home. I can't afford to live here and I don't want to not leave here. I don't want to stay here either.
Everyone gets a fresh start but us.
I'm annoyed at myself now.
I know he'll have a fit when that court summons appears for him in a few days. Then he'll know it's for real. The paperwork is real. That court date is real. And Child Support is real.
This break up is real.
All these excursions will stop. The not-a-date outings he plans. He'll be angry that I actually did it.
And then he'll decide to not pay the rent or the bills til September like he said he would.
Everytime I start looking, or thinking I feel like I'm overwhelmed and over my head.
I don't want to go home. I can't afford to live here and I don't want to not leave here. I don't want to stay here either.
Everyone gets a fresh start but us.
I'm annoyed at myself now.
Friday, July 6, 2012
It has to be the booze
And even then, I only had 2 beers. But I feel extremely elated. I did, perhaps a stupid move tonight. But after I got home, I called him. And asked him to come out for a drink. And he accepted. And now it's over 2 hour later and I feel enamored. Nothing happened, except we sat there and had light conversation about nothing at all. About him moving into his own place in 3 weeks. I told him he'd be ok.
We didn't talk about us. We didn't talk about Jaiden. ..we kept it light. He paid the tab even though I offered to pay my half. And then drove me home despite it being a 2 second drive.
...
And now the only song I want to hear is Love Touch - Rod Stewart.
My poor heart.
I'm lost in what love ought to be rather than what it is.
We didn't talk about us. We didn't talk about Jaiden. ..we kept it light. He paid the tab even though I offered to pay my half. And then drove me home despite it being a 2 second drive.
...
And now the only song I want to hear is Love Touch - Rod Stewart.
My poor heart.
I'm lost in what love ought to be rather than what it is.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
I wish you'd understand
Why I said you couldnt have her. The fact that you lied. About telling me pissed me off. Because if you had, the answer would have been no then and we wouldn't have has that fight. I hate your mother. I hate your sister.
I'll never be the person they want for you. So they'll never leave you alone. They'll always meddle. Always poison your mind.
You reminded me that you were miserable. That somehow I was at fault. You reminded me that it's your money paying for what I have. I've never once utilized money in any way that it wasn't supposed to be. Not while you were here not when you left. So to attack me with talk about money was low. To tell me it's my ego talking was wrong. Harsh. But that's majority of your words to me. Harsh. Hurtful. Cold.
You don't see the pain you inflict because you think you're right in very choice you've made so far. So my feeling don't matter. Just that you're doing everything you're doing for Jaiden. And that should be enough.
But if you'd take the time to notice, I don't talk to you about us. I don't initiate any physical contact. I don't call you. I don't make plans with you.
I've been nothing less than kind to you even though you talk to me and treat me like crap. I'm the only one who's ever encouraged you to do and be good to your family when they neglected us.
I've supported every avenue you pursued. I backed you up. I looked out for you.
And you can't do the same for me.
So now because of this, I'm the enemy. I look evil like I purposely don't want you to see you're daughter. I won't let your family see her.
It's whatever.
I know why I said no. And I know why I got mad. You should have known better.
You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Want me to move out now? I can be gone in a day. Because of today I expect no less because I know your mother and sister will fill your head with shit.
Because of them, we won't ever be together.
Sent from my iPhone
I'll never be the person they want for you. So they'll never leave you alone. They'll always meddle. Always poison your mind.
You reminded me that you were miserable. That somehow I was at fault. You reminded me that it's your money paying for what I have. I've never once utilized money in any way that it wasn't supposed to be. Not while you were here not when you left. So to attack me with talk about money was low. To tell me it's my ego talking was wrong. Harsh. But that's majority of your words to me. Harsh. Hurtful. Cold.
You don't see the pain you inflict because you think you're right in very choice you've made so far. So my feeling don't matter. Just that you're doing everything you're doing for Jaiden. And that should be enough.
But if you'd take the time to notice, I don't talk to you about us. I don't initiate any physical contact. I don't call you. I don't make plans with you.
I've been nothing less than kind to you even though you talk to me and treat me like crap. I'm the only one who's ever encouraged you to do and be good to your family when they neglected us.
I've supported every avenue you pursued. I backed you up. I looked out for you.
And you can't do the same for me.
So now because of this, I'm the enemy. I look evil like I purposely don't want you to see you're daughter. I won't let your family see her.
It's whatever.
I know why I said no. And I know why I got mad. You should have known better.
You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Want me to move out now? I can be gone in a day. Because of today I expect no less because I know your mother and sister will fill your head with shit.
Because of them, we won't ever be together.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Oh look
...a fight out of no where. Over the fact he can't take Jaiden to his parents house. He said he understood she can't be there when he first left. It's hot. There's a million cats. Everything just spiralled all because I couldn't lie and say we weren't home or something. He said he said something yesterday but he didn't. He did however, tell Jaiden. Because she said something about seeing the 'white grandma's house with daddy'. So he told her he'd come back for her. But he failed to tell me.
Amidst all the ranting he said 'another reason for me leaving'. which I didn't completely understand but whatever. I'm not using Jaiden as a weapon. I didn't say he couldn't see her. He just can't take her there. How hard is that to comprehend. Then he started ranting about money and how he's paying for everything, the apartment ..all for jaiden. Like I'm dirt. I'm nothing more than dirt.
All this garbage...
And then he ends it with 'Fine, we're done.'
Said he was going to ignore me for a while so he doesn't say something he regrets.
I'll do the same. I'll ignore him too.
All this is doing is making sure we stand no chance in hell of being together.
My plans stay as it is. I'll be finishing the child support papers either Thursday or Friday. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep giving him power.
All it does is hurt.
Amidst all the ranting he said 'another reason for me leaving'. which I didn't completely understand but whatever. I'm not using Jaiden as a weapon. I didn't say he couldn't see her. He just can't take her there. How hard is that to comprehend. Then he started ranting about money and how he's paying for everything, the apartment ..all for jaiden. Like I'm dirt. I'm nothing more than dirt.
All this garbage...
And then he ends it with 'Fine, we're done.'
Said he was going to ignore me for a while so he doesn't say something he regrets.
I'll do the same. I'll ignore him too.
All this is doing is making sure we stand no chance in hell of being together.
My plans stay as it is. I'll be finishing the child support papers either Thursday or Friday. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep giving him power.
All it does is hurt.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Tomorrow
...I know he's been saying it for two weeks now, but tomorrow he's off of work. So he'll finally be moving his things out. So he says. I know he wants to take Jaiden to see his parents for the 4th. But he knows he can't. He didn't directly ask. But because my car was 'vandalized' he said he'd go check out some junk yards for me. And then asked Jaiden if she wanted to come along. She's 3. It's junk yards. Not a playground. Makes no sense.
Tonight we got together to go see the fireworks. It wasn't a long night and I had fun. After he dropped us off, she'd fallen asleep in the car so he put her to bed.
Before he left we just...held each other. A long, long hug. I wanted to point out that we'd never done that before. But I figure why ruin it.
But it felt different. A longing. Strange but not. I want to say 'lustful' but I don't lust for him. I love him.
Before he walked out the door as I took off my shoes he asked me to turn around in the dress I was in.
Said he liked the new outfits. I said I'd always had them, but we never went anywhere.
Touché he replied. Touché. And exited
Tomorrow it will hurt to watch him take his things out. I know it'll hurt a lot. Maybe I'll just go hide at my parents house with Jaiden so we don't have to see him leaving.
Tomorrow might just hurt more than I want it to. Because God knows how hard this is already.
Sent from my iPhone
Tonight we got together to go see the fireworks. It wasn't a long night and I had fun. After he dropped us off, she'd fallen asleep in the car so he put her to bed.
Before he left we just...held each other. A long, long hug. I wanted to point out that we'd never done that before. But I figure why ruin it.
But it felt different. A longing. Strange but not. I want to say 'lustful' but I don't lust for him. I love him.
Before he walked out the door as I took off my shoes he asked me to turn around in the dress I was in.
Said he liked the new outfits. I said I'd always had them, but we never went anywhere.
Touché he replied. Touché. And exited
Tomorrow it will hurt to watch him take his things out. I know it'll hurt a lot. Maybe I'll just go hide at my parents house with Jaiden so we don't have to see him leaving.
Tomorrow might just hurt more than I want it to. Because God knows how hard this is already.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, July 1, 2012
No gain
"A family outing".
That's what he called our day out today. He said it can't be a date unless one of us deems it so.
Excuse me, but What?
He was actually good on his word today, on time as well to take us to the amusement park (mostly Jaiden, I was invited along because, and this is his wording, "I wanted you there too and I thought you'd want to come.") We spent all day going on rides, taking pictures of her on each ride, and one of us was on a ride with her that required an adult.
His closeness hurt. EDIT: The several compliments of how good I looked in my dress. The hugs, the kisses on my cheeks, my head, forehead. The tender touch on my arm as he asked if I had a good time, at the night's end. And yet, he feels still he made the right decision. He said he didn't leave us...he just broke up with me. And we have to 'get along for Jaiden whether we like it or not'. I beg to differ.
I just can't bring myself to outwardly voice that ...difference yet. Why? I still feel.
Once it's over and I'm dead inside, I won't feel anything and I can say how I...what I think.
Right now I'm dealing with all this inner emotional toil, a broken ..no..a shredded heart..and my parents and I just aren't seeing eye to eye. So that is just chaos all over. OH. AND he made me get a ticket on my car tonight because he didn't listen when I said it's a PAY PARK. Bu the took the ticket and said he'd take care of it.
I can't win.
The person I want doesn't want me, but wants to pretend we're a happy family and my family thinks I'm giving in too much to him.
His stuff is still here, too. And I reminded him again that it has to go. He said he'd come tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.
I look at it as ..I got to spend a good afternoon and evening with my daughter whom I love with all my heart.
Edit:
And now we have plans to go to the beach next Saturday.
What the hell is going on.
That's what he called our day out today. He said it can't be a date unless one of us deems it so.
Excuse me, but What?
He was actually good on his word today, on time as well to take us to the amusement park (mostly Jaiden, I was invited along because, and this is his wording, "I wanted you there too and I thought you'd want to come.") We spent all day going on rides, taking pictures of her on each ride, and one of us was on a ride with her that required an adult.
His closeness hurt. EDIT: The several compliments of how good I looked in my dress. The hugs, the kisses on my cheeks, my head, forehead. The tender touch on my arm as he asked if I had a good time, at the night's end. And yet, he feels still he made the right decision. He said he didn't leave us...he just broke up with me. And we have to 'get along for Jaiden whether we like it or not'. I beg to differ.
I just can't bring myself to outwardly voice that ...difference yet. Why? I still feel.
Once it's over and I'm dead inside, I won't feel anything and I can say how I...what I think.
Right now I'm dealing with all this inner emotional toil, a broken ..no..a shredded heart..and my parents and I just aren't seeing eye to eye. So that is just chaos all over. OH. AND he made me get a ticket on my car tonight because he didn't listen when I said it's a PAY PARK. Bu the took the ticket and said he'd take care of it.
I can't win.
The person I want doesn't want me, but wants to pretend we're a happy family and my family thinks I'm giving in too much to him.
His stuff is still here, too. And I reminded him again that it has to go. He said he'd come tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.
I look at it as ..I got to spend a good afternoon and evening with my daughter whom I love with all my heart.
Edit:
And now we have plans to go to the beach next Saturday.
What the hell is going on.
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