That conversation

With all the questions that burn my mind when I give in to the thoughts ...

Do you ever miss me?
Why don't you tell me? Or text me? Or even call me?
Do you love me still? Are you happy where you are? Who you're with? What you and your life has become?
It's been so long and I've seen no change in you. No real change anyways. I know if I missed you I used to tell you. Sometimes laying in bed at 1am when I have to be up at 4am, I miss you so much I have to tell you. And you say "I know you do" like it's supposed to console me. Ease me. Yeah you know, but then what? Do you love me back? Should I stop? Give me something. Tell me you love me too. Tell me you don't. Tell me you think I should let go and try not to love you. Tell me you'll be home soon. Tell me you aren't happy. Tell me you are. Tell me something. Anything that says something has changed. Tell me it's been 2 months and more and you've had some time to think. To reflect. To decide. 'I don't know' list validity so long ago.
Saturday is the 1st and I'm scared. Scared that you will sign that lease and leave. And then we shift into the whole 'every other weekend you'll see daddy' routine. We turn into Jaiden's mom and dad. I just can't wrap my head around that yet.
I need you.
I wish you were here.
We miss you so much.
I just .. I'm tired of waiting for you to love me, choose me. Because then I have to face reality of it never happening.
I'm tired of aching for you so much it makes my ulcers burn.
I'm tired of watching people around me, 5-10 years younger than I finding live, getting married, making decisions. Looking forward to their futures.
I'm tired of waiting for my turn. My turn to have love. Be wanted, chased, fought for, proposed to. When's my wedding. My next pregnancy that we can face together instead of my first, all alone, depressed, pity.
When's my turn to not be in charge and be led. Faithfully led.