..but I figured I don't indulge in a lot. I spent maybe, $150 on myself last night. Not on clothes, on drinks, on jewels, or anything materialistic. I spent it on the phone, with a psychic. I know, a lot of people don't believe in those things. Maybe it was curiosity. Maybe it was confirmation of the known, or the insight of something I didn't know.
I feel terrible having spent THAT MUCH but I started with the intention of only using 30$. That 30 turned to 80. And I think perhaps another 50. I can't remember.
She said she feels a lot of depression from him.
He's fighting with something in himself. Guilt. She said he may even have a problem with being faithful in that he likes the chase. Personally, looking back, I think I said too much. It didn't start off that way. I was sparse with words.
She said she can tell he is deeply and genuinely in love with me and he wants to be with me but something is holding him back. She can't understand what. She said every night he hopes that I know he'll come back home. She asked if I ever feel that connection ...I said no. Which was true. I feel my own longing for him mostly at night and in the morning. When I am very aware he's NOT there. But I never feel him reaching for me.
She said I was incredible strong for taking the things he's done to me.
She asked if I'd ever forgiven him for it. Outwardly told him so. I said no. Because he downplayed it. He made it seem as if he'd done nothing wrong. All the women, all his absence. She said he doesn't even find the thrill in chasing anymore. He's losing the 'fun' in it. And she was confused that if he could feel so strongly for me, why would he need to still do those things.
I explained the partial conversation I read. I said I felt the presence of another ..but I couldn't be sure. I had no proof.
She said I should continue to give him his space.
She asked if I know where he is, I said yes.
She asked if he was near. I said yes.
She asked if I ever visit. I said no. There was turbulence between me and his family. I explained we were ethnically different. I said that even though he is near, their home is out of the way for me to drive near. She said it was good that I didn't. She asked if I'd ever seen him drive near or past our apartment. I said no. Never. She said he does. Often. And when he does, he slows as if to say "I'm coming home."..It was then that I confirmed I lived on a main street. At times he would have to come this way but he can easily go another route from his house.
She said he's seeking counseling of some sort and it's helping. He feels confident in whatever help he's getting. I didn't say he might be seeking legal counsel. I mentioned near the end that we were going to court. She asked if he was angry. I said no. It's what he wanted. She said it was wise. Because then he would understand just how real it was.
She said we have always had a great love affair and if we could get past our difference together, we would be dynamic. She said she feels he will return. She said she sees me giving him another child. She asked if that was ok. I said yes. She said if I was aware he was my soul mate. She said he wasn't a religious person. I didn't agree to her but I agreed to myself. It's true. She said he believes we belong together. he just has to take a stand with me, for us.
My time was nearing an end and she had began asking about Jaiden.
I felt I had heard what I wanted to know.
So I discontinued the call and berated myself for spending as much as I had. Nevertheless.
I'm still frightful of the future. But I'd opted to just...be still.
I did confront him about the intimacy between us lately. He said we were wrong to continue. He said he knew we should stop since the day at the beach. He said he thought I was happy. I asked why would he think I was happy.
I asked why would he try if he knew it was wrong. More than once, twice. He said it's because I'm safe. He knows me, I know him. I assumed disease free safe. He said no. Safe being we were comfortable with each other.
I was in disbelief. I told him I felt used because he said it was because he was lonely, or horny as hell.
He's still laden with that "I don't know" line and it drives me crazy.
The conversation ended heated and badly.
But I felt I did the right thing in confronting the intimacy. Because I told him I'm weak. I can't say no to him. Because I want him.
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