Damn it

..I should be sleeping or at least trying to sleep. And I can't. I have to be up in less than 4 hours and I can't. sleep. My eye hurts, my head hurts, my chest hurts. I might have stressed myself out so much today with all the bogus thoughts that I've made myself momentarily ill. Can't afford to get sick now though. Starting Thursday I'll be working none stop for 2 weeks, every day. At least I can guarantee myself next month's rent if anything.
I want to send my daughter to school. I do. But I might have to wait.
And that saddens me.

I'm upset, truthfully, because it's drawing close to the end of the month when I know he'll be moving. Taking his things. Another bump that I'm not ready to face but have to. Like him leaving, like court. And now this. It's like a new wound every time I think I got over the last one.
I keep trying to tell myself "I can do this, I can do this.." and then there's moments, when I don't think I can. I don't feel like I want to.
But that makes no sense because who wants to be miserable ALL the time.
I just...*sigh*...how does he not know...I mean. He KNOWS. He knows I love him ..but..how does he not know how he feels.
It hurts he ...hasn't called nor texted. And not even JUST me but his daughter.
..that he wasn't all that thrilled about going in the first place. But it's like...if you aren't having a good time and you're not calling or texting US, what are you doing to occupy yourself and bide your time?
BUT on the flip side..and I know I'm babbling, god help me, I know, but it's like..no contact? Hey, that's good. It's time for him to...sort things out, think things through. Clear HIS head. His parents aren't around, but I know they're in contact. But there's less pressure. Right?
I don't know...
This is my "I'm ok..I'm not ok, I'm ok, I'm not ok.." debate in my head.
When he's here I'm complete..and when he's gone..I'm ..there's a hole. And now that he's so far away..a part of me is missing. And it's not like he's in a jungle or a desert. He's in fuckin' VEGAS.
Lights, booze, women, gambling...it's like...man-heaven.
..I'm losing my mind..because...well because I'm being impatient for something I might never get and something I have NO control over.