Save me

All the cliche lines, all the stupid words of wisdom I could yank out my ass right now would mean diddly for how vacant I feel. And it's an unfair deduction as to why. I haven't done anything.
I want.
I need.
I miss.
I crave.
But I don't tell him. It's like, I was fine letting go. Well, giving him room. And now that I know he misses me I want to swoop in and tell him "Yes, I'm here. I never left. " blah blah blah. And I'm hurt by the fact that he still wants to move. 2 weeks is a long time. I know. Things could change. Yesterday he came and took all his bills and paperwork. It hurt a little, truth be told. I wanted to say so much. Every time he asked for a hug I wanted to just melt into him. Tell him to stay. Come home. But I bit my tongue, held him while I could and let go when I had to. My heart wanes when the days go by and we share no contact.
I hate this illusion I have to put out there. That I'm ok. That I'll make it. He asked about me getting the receptionist job, I said I hadn't gotten it yet. Which isn't true. I have it. For about 2 weeks now. Been training. He asked if it was more money. I said no. Which also isn't true. It pays a dollar more. He asked if I would have that and do my night shift. I said I didn't know since I didn't have the job yet. Another untruth. But I don't want to guilt him ...he's the reason I had to look for another job, yes. But he needs to come back for me based on other things. Not just "she can't support herself And our daughter. I have to be there". He stayed for that and other reasons. And it's why we are where we are. I saw he found a letter I wrote to him on our 4 year anniversary. He stuck it to the one I wrote when we got together. And I noticed just like the first letter, the other never said "I love you" but I said everything else.

Ugh it's draining. Loving someone from afar.

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