I feel cursed

The ability to love. Love past flaws, love beyond wrongs, mistakes, lies, love regardless of race, distance. I feel like its torture to have waited so long to finally find love, to be put through so much from the one I chose, to come out with so little.
I mean I have my daughter. Irreplaceable. But my heart is so jaded, so wounded now. And I was cautious. I was careful of his heart. I was mindful of his feelings. His needs. His wants. His dreams. His family. His work. His joys.
And it's brought me abandonment. Physical and emotional neglect.
Why would anyone want to destroy something so great in a person. Ruin their love. And it's not like the culprit is unaware. They've been hurt. They've hurt others.
And me, the doe eyed wounded deer, after being crippled, shot at, chased through the darkness of the forest, I still turned tail to go back for my assailant as if he'd fix me. He'd nurses wounds. Take my pain. Peeking out from the one tree trunk that separates me from him. And he sees me. Knows I'm there. But he won't give me much attention. Just a few breadcrumbs.
Just enough to make sure I come back ...make sure I never really leave.

Love should never be this unfair...
And I know you're saying I should be better equipped to walk away. But that would have required me to step on others, break their hearts, hurt them to get there.
I just can't do that. I believe in love too much ...

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That conversation

With all the questions that burn my mind when I give in to the thoughts ...

Do you ever miss me?
Why don't you tell me? Or text me? Or even call me?
Do you love me still? Are you happy where you are? Who you're with? What you and your life has become?
It's been so long and I've seen no change in you. No real change anyways. I know if I missed you I used to tell you. Sometimes laying in bed at 1am when I have to be up at 4am, I miss you so much I have to tell you. And you say "I know you do" like it's supposed to console me. Ease me. Yeah you know, but then what? Do you love me back? Should I stop? Give me something. Tell me you love me too. Tell me you don't. Tell me you think I should let go and try not to love you. Tell me you'll be home soon. Tell me you aren't happy. Tell me you are. Tell me something. Anything that says something has changed. Tell me it's been 2 months and more and you've had some time to think. To reflect. To decide. 'I don't know' list validity so long ago.
Saturday is the 1st and I'm scared. Scared that you will sign that lease and leave. And then we shift into the whole 'every other weekend you'll see daddy' routine. We turn into Jaiden's mom and dad. I just can't wrap my head around that yet.
I need you.
I wish you were here.
We miss you so much.
I just .. I'm tired of waiting for you to love me, choose me. Because then I have to face reality of it never happening.
I'm tired of aching for you so much it makes my ulcers burn.
I'm tired of watching people around me, 5-10 years younger than I finding live, getting married, making decisions. Looking forward to their futures.
I'm tired of waiting for my turn. My turn to have love. Be wanted, chased, fought for, proposed to. When's my wedding. My next pregnancy that we can face together instead of my first, all alone, depressed, pity.
When's my turn to not be in charge and be led. Faithfully led.

Tired

Overworked and over burdened. I miss you.
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...never ending battle sure to worsen

..that's how the last week has been. Face to face? Monday he was very loving, very clingy. Tuesday, asked for numerous hugs. Lots of kisses. Thursday, phonecall. Complete asshole when I told him he couldn't take Jaiden to his sister's. Followed by random and vague texts, ignored phonecall or two and complete bs. Friday morning he sent a message via FACEBOOK.
 "You know each time you post something about Jaiden something you demonize me and make seem like its just you 2 vs. the world. I don't want to argue, just saying thats what I get when I read it." 
I found that hysterical. And I never replied. I'm suddenly someone you message on a social network. Saturday texted to have her, but we got home late, and she fell asleep ...didn't want to wake up when he came, which was an hour and a half later than he said. "I'd be done by 3."..so ok, showing up at 4.30pm wasn't exactly enlightening. He came, gave her and I both a kiss and left, said to go back to bed. Texted at 6.."Is she awake." called at 7. "Is she up yet"...nope. I texted him at almost 8, and now wishing I hadn't. Told him she woke up from a bad dream, said I needed to fix daddy. Went and got a screwdriver for me.
Coming from a 3 year old, that broke my fucking heart. You know what he said? Make sure and put it on facebook. I said "be a jerk, go back to your family, sorry". turned my phone to vibrate and just let it go.
Why does he have to be a complete and utter fuck face?
So..I went and blocked him from seeing anything new from now on. Everything. Pictures, posts.
The blocked phone calls have been coming again. Same girl. Saying I'm stupid for believing anything he says.
I told her she really should call him and tell her how she feels. Because telling me really does nothing. I'm nobody to him anymore. She laughed and hung up.
Damned if I leave him alone and he doesn't get what he wants, he turns into a royal asshole. And damned if I say anything and get my throat bashed in. OR damned if he's in my face and acting like the love of my fucking life. And when he's not, he's a cunt.

I can't win.
I give up. I gave up. And it hurts ten times worse. Because now I dread every phone call, every visit.

If I didn't care

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Breakdown

That's what he seems to be having. Last night he completely wigged because 'he can't be left alone'. Meaning ...and this is solely stated off his ranting and fragmented texts. He can't have one day to do what he wants without having to answer to anyone. Ok so ...you chose that shit yourself. That's on you! You gave up your life, your family and went back to sit on your mothers house on your fucking own. It's no body's fault but yours ...
So as far as I know, he was home drinking and being passive aggressive.
All he does is confuse me and the moment I feel like I can make it, he pulls me right back. And it's not fair. I shouldn't be slowing down or waiting for him to catch up. He needs to get his ass in gear and reach me.

He wanted to take Jaiden to his sisters house and I said no. Why? She has a cat. Why is that do hard to wrap around. Your child is allergic to cats. Will you be such an asshole and subject her to discomfort?

How about the fact that your family knows your daughter is allergic and they kept the 12 or 15 they have and your sister GETS a new cat? Isn't that just fucking cruel? And disrespectful to you, me and her?

You don't see that.
And I get half assed rambles about how you hated the apartment for the STUPIDEST reasons. It's on a main street, the floors creaked. Ok so, your stupid ass should have said "Hey babe let's move to another complex. Or let's look for a home to rent. Something better than here." no!! You fucking sat there and complained and bitched to no one but yourself.
You declined my every fucking attempt.

You know what? Fuck you. Sit on Facebook and reminisce about bars and clubs with guys your age, or older who have no families and no goals. Those are the friends you want and seek.

I'm done wondering and worrying about you. You don't give me a second thought. And when you do, you use me. Be miserable for your own choices. Be miserable because you are in fact a pussy who can't make any decisions without wondering what your mother and sister will say or think of you. You obviously cannot stand up for yourself do you sure as fuck can't stand up for me.
I should have ignored your call yesterday like I intended. But I had hopes for good news. Not a fight.
You have no idea what your doing?
Get a clue. Because I've had it.
....and now I want to cry.
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Save me

All the cliche lines, all the stupid words of wisdom I could yank out my ass right now would mean diddly for how vacant I feel. And it's an unfair deduction as to why. I haven't done anything.
I want.
I need.
I miss.
I crave.
But I don't tell him. It's like, I was fine letting go. Well, giving him room. And now that I know he misses me I want to swoop in and tell him "Yes, I'm here. I never left. " blah blah blah. And I'm hurt by the fact that he still wants to move. 2 weeks is a long time. I know. Things could change. Yesterday he came and took all his bills and paperwork. It hurt a little, truth be told. I wanted to say so much. Every time he asked for a hug I wanted to just melt into him. Tell him to stay. Come home. But I bit my tongue, held him while I could and let go when I had to. My heart wanes when the days go by and we share no contact.
I hate this illusion I have to put out there. That I'm ok. That I'll make it. He asked about me getting the receptionist job, I said I hadn't gotten it yet. Which isn't true. I have it. For about 2 weeks now. Been training. He asked if it was more money. I said no. Which also isn't true. It pays a dollar more. He asked if I would have that and do my night shift. I said I didn't know since I didn't have the job yet. Another untruth. But I don't want to guilt him ...he's the reason I had to look for another job, yes. But he needs to come back for me based on other things. Not just "she can't support herself And our daughter. I have to be there". He stayed for that and other reasons. And it's why we are where we are. I saw he found a letter I wrote to him on our 4 year anniversary. He stuck it to the one I wrote when we got together. And I noticed just like the first letter, the other never said "I love you" but I said everything else.

Ugh it's draining. Loving someone from afar.

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Misery without company

I hate being without him. He's counting down the days he has left til he moves. He's excited. And I was miserable listening. I ache for him to be near. His voice. His presence. And I truly don't know why. But I do. And I know he misses me. I can feel it in his embrace. His kiss. I miss him next to me.
Two months. This sucks. I'm wading in my own misery alone.

I don't ask questions. Because he's not ready to talk. I won't call. Still. Won't text. Still. He knows. And I can say it. But I won't because it's not my turn.

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Still confused

As I'd said. We'd stayed out if touch. No calls. No texts since he left. Last night he was due to return from Vegas. I had just gotten off a long days work after what turned into 12 hours of a mess of a day. I got home with the intent of bringing my daughter back with me.
I have to say, my parents have been incredibly helpful when it comes to my job and my daughter. They've encouraged me to take time for myself. Maybe go out with friends. They had her Thursday night and then yesterday and offered to keep her again since I had work at 8 am this morning and I wouldn't have to drag her there too.
I said yes.
My night was fitful though. I came home, and a friend contacted me. I invited her over for a beer or two. She obliged me.
She lives close. Married, daughter. But she came and sat with me for a couple hours. We caught up with each others lives regardless of us being located so close to each other. She told me that I'd ostracized myself. I'd turned into a hermit just like I did while pregnant. She's right.
This is the same friend who was with me before, during and after my pregnancy. We'd has some crazy nights together when I first moved here. She recalled us being in what used to be an empty apartment. Our late night drives to meet with Chris and other friends, getting lost, silly instances with men who acted like boys.
I think it was maybe the first time I told her I was upset that her and my brother 'dated' when I asked him not to because she's my friend. She's a single mother. And those aren't negative things. I asked him not to simply because I know what she was looking for and I know what he was looking for. It wasn't the same thing. She was heart broken in the end. My friendship was suddenly frail.
But not lost.
Because she's still in my life and I think she still loves me. :)
Lol@text. Yeah she does.

But last night while she was here, it was just after midnight. He texted saying he was home.
My stomach lurched. I wanted to ignore it but I didn't. But I only replied to his "I'm home" with "k" and left it alone.

She left just after 2am and I fell asleep. But awoke 3 hours or less later to my phone telling me Chris was on Facebook. He added pictures. Updated everything. Updated his updates. And changed his status to 'Separated'..
But I was mad. 4 years and he decides to use a social network to socialize. For what?
It bewilders me because I remember MySpace days and how he used that to his advantage. I know his attention to things of that nature are short lived. But when it is in use it's destructive.

Separated. Hm. It made me wonder. And then it made me cry. I'm still going to stay away. Til he decides to make a move. Whatever move that may be.
Do I miss him? Yes.
Do I love him? ...

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I wish I wish

It's all I keep saying with no reason. I want but I don't know why. He's been gone all week and never texted. It's withdrawal at its finest. And then he returns tomorrow. And when he calls to see her. I'll say yes. And she'll be happy. And I'll be happy she's happy. And I'll be sad because I know how little we mean to him.
....fuck him for all this misery.

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Damn it

..I should be sleeping or at least trying to sleep. And I can't. I have to be up in less than 4 hours and I can't. sleep. My eye hurts, my head hurts, my chest hurts. I might have stressed myself out so much today with all the bogus thoughts that I've made myself momentarily ill. Can't afford to get sick now though. Starting Thursday I'll be working none stop for 2 weeks, every day. At least I can guarantee myself next month's rent if anything.
I want to send my daughter to school. I do. But I might have to wait.
And that saddens me.

I'm upset, truthfully, because it's drawing close to the end of the month when I know he'll be moving. Taking his things. Another bump that I'm not ready to face but have to. Like him leaving, like court. And now this. It's like a new wound every time I think I got over the last one.
I keep trying to tell myself "I can do this, I can do this.." and then there's moments, when I don't think I can. I don't feel like I want to.
But that makes no sense because who wants to be miserable ALL the time.
I just...*sigh*...how does he not know...I mean. He KNOWS. He knows I love him ..but..how does he not know how he feels.
It hurts he ...hasn't called nor texted. And not even JUST me but his daughter.
..that he wasn't all that thrilled about going in the first place. But it's like...if you aren't having a good time and you're not calling or texting US, what are you doing to occupy yourself and bide your time?
BUT on the flip side..and I know I'm babbling, god help me, I know, but it's like..no contact? Hey, that's good. It's time for him to...sort things out, think things through. Clear HIS head. His parents aren't around, but I know they're in contact. But there's less pressure. Right?
I don't know...
This is my "I'm ok..I'm not ok, I'm ok, I'm not ok.." debate in my head.
When he's here I'm complete..and when he's gone..I'm ..there's a hole. And now that he's so far away..a part of me is missing. And it's not like he's in a jungle or a desert. He's in fuckin' VEGAS.
Lights, booze, women, gambling...it's like...man-heaven.
..I'm losing my mind..because...well because I'm being impatient for something I might never get and something I have NO control over.

Lonesome

That's how I feel. I'm thinking of him more often now that he's gone. I called him this morning to find out how he was getting to the airport. Apparently his shitty family were all asleep and didn't bother to wake up to take him THIS year. Yes I said this year because every other year that I wanted to take him, his pissant mother took him instead. And the one year she has him in her house, she neglects him. They all did. He got there late, his own fault in my opinion, and missed his flight.

It's just after 9pm there and he should have landed already. Be in his hotel ... But I haven't heard from him. He told me when he boarded. But that was the last time I heard from him.

I won't text. I want to.
I won't call. I want to.
...I miss him dearly though.

I want him back. To come for me. To not move. I hope this trip, being away from his family, not having me contact him, I hope he sees, hope he clears his head, hopes he knows we belong together.
I miss him.
...I miss you.

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Lost without knowing

...That's how it's felt lately. Lost. As much as I try to distract, drown myself in anything else, everything else, I can't not think of him. Yesterday he called and asked if he could stop by to get his luggage. He leaves for Vegas tomorrow morning. I said he could. Within 15-20 minutes he was here. He took his luggage, all his laundry and some clean clothes. So that meant, more of this things were departing. He stayed and played with Jaiden a little but somehow wanted to dedicate more of his time being next to me. Whenever he's here, I try to hang back, so that she can be with him. Because I know she misses him so much, like I do. And she's happy when he's here and upset when he's leaving.
The last few times he's been here we've been close but not close as he wanted. It always left him wanting more, wishing it was further, within he could 'rip my clothes off' or his words would be enticing of me to take advantage of him, molest him. But I'd not give in aside from the touches that I too craved, the deep kisses that we shared. If nothing else the kisses left me weak in the knees. As much as our touches roved and taunted, our attire stayed in tact and my heart didn't cry.
I'd never say how I missed him or wanted him or loved him anymore.
Because I need him to come to that realization first.
He has to miss me first.
Want me first. And act on it. First.
Love me first.
My embraces couldn't be more loudly of how my heart felt. I adored him still. A caress on his cheek, fingers lacing through the length of his hair.
Touching him as if I was afraid to scare him off yet letting him know just how deeply I still felt about him.
He never speaks about moving. Yet I know it is something that will happen because our discussions about money involves him saying he can't pay two rents.
And I accepted that he'll move into his own place.
I miss him so much it leaves me sore. But I don't cry anymore. I won't let myself.
I keep telling myself I didn't do anything to make him leave.
And as much as I yearn to hear his voice, I won't call. I won't text.

His presence, his actions, his kisses says he misses me.
And my refusal to go beyond a scathing touch past his belly button without outwardly saying "No." tells him I'm respecting myself and his space. I love you but I'll wait for you to come to me.
Something had happened and we were talking while he was here and my reply was "It's not going anywhere, it's here when you're ready"...referring to my body.
When he speaks of himself he lets me know no one else wants him ...there's no list of women..no line of females beating down his door for him. But I know better. He'd never admit if there was.
Maybe his advances are just that of someone lonely. And unable to take that which he's comfortable with and familiar to. But I won't let him use me for his own male satisfaction. If he wants sex, and he's bent on having it, yet knowing I won't just give in, he'll venture out to someone who he knows will give in to him.
I looked at him yesterday as he rested in my lap. His face, his flesh, aged, soft...but overly so. Wrinkles had multiplied. But his eyes...like marble in the light. Not that bright baby blue that they usually are, which usually diminishes with his mood or what he wears, but he had the strongest marble blue with those dark speckles ...I felt like I loved him all over again as I stared into them.
And he stared back at me. I wanted to say, as I have in the past .."Staring isn't polite.." but I didn't. I drank it in. I wanted him to look at me. REALLY look at me. And see the honest emotion in my eyes. If he had was besides me. I couldn't tell.

I'm reminded of one of the main characters of a book I'd just started reading. My brother and his girlfriend bought me the trilogy (with a 4th book coming out in a month or so that I MUST HAVE) for Christmas last year and being that I never found...not had, but never FOUND the time to read before, and have now..it amazes me ...the love he has for her...my god...so depth-ed. Like mine. He's the male version of me. But I lack the patience he has. He has my anger, my passion, my rage, my commitment. He. Chose. Her. And he gave her the space ..to choose him. And once she had, oh, they were inseparable.

I want to be loved so completely.
And the way she admired him, his heart, his soul, his body..she would love him that way for decades to come.
Reading further has made me miss him more. But ...I'm steadfast in holding onto hoping he'll come around on his own. And that I just need to stay away.

And while giving him that space, if I miss him, I'll write about it til I don't need to any longer. Be it because he never came back..or he found his way to me.

No contact

This is the longest we've Gone since we ended things that we haven't spoken. 3 days. No texts. No calls. Nothing. It hurts a little. Because he's always on my mind.
....Saturday now and still nothing. I should go clean.

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His kiss

He and I had a tumultuous few days what with court and the like. I'd managed to keep my distance since then. I stay away from my phone and keep it on vibrate. So I wont hear if he calls or texts.
He texted today to take Jaiden to the park. Showed up 45 minutes late and only stayed with her for 30 minutes instead of an hour like he said he would
...he said he'd be going to Vegas next week. We talked about enrolling her in school. I keep it short. Simple. But he kept getting close. Jaiden said she wanted him to stay here. He said he was very tempted.
He said he was going crazy at home. He didn't know how he could have lived there before. He can't bear it now.
He shared several kisses on my cheek while here and somehow it diverted to my neck, ear and then lips.
But ended there. He said he will miss me while in Vegas ... There were a lot of simple comments shared that simply let us know we missed each other. Without actually saying it.
When he left though, he went the other way and not home. Which puzzled me. But it's whatever

..i'll keep trying to stay away. Because I want him to come back on his own.
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..stop it...

..those are the words i keep thinking, telling myself whenever that physical ache lurks into my chest, my stomach, up my throat. Where I want to slip into the confines of some dark corner and cry more. Because it feels like it's the only thing that helps. Crying. But crying about what?
That we don't talk.
That he's mad I took him to court for child support and custody.
..that he is angry.
That he's being cold. Distant.
Absent.
And I'm trying so hard to do the same.
That no one would just shake him and make him see what he's done.
That no one can.

I've never been heart broken.
I've never been this sad.
And I'm trying to keep my chin up.
Trying to stay positive.
Trying to keep my apartment..because I don't want to go back to my parents.
Jaiden knows this as her home. This is home.

That he's possibly gone this week to Vegas and he won't think about us.
He never called before. In fact, last year he started a fight before he left and we didn't talk at all.
And while he was there he said he wanted to move out, to break up. I said ok. And then changed his mind.

That right now he opts to see Jaiden once a week and never calls her but at court he was ranting about wanting her more than just one day.
We have joint custody of her. She resides with me. Everything was pretty liberated as far as visits and such. He is paying a menial, almost laughable amount for her as well per week in child support. But it is what it is.
..as time withers away I don't feel him coming back. I feel there's someone else.
I hope I'm wrong.

"Do work, Chris."

"I didn't do anything wrong to lose you so I don't think I need to be doing work to get you back.." ...those words came to me, almost spat out of me, while in the shower. I looked up and if there was a mirror before me I'd have stared right back at me, disbelief all over my face.
Completely confused.
It hurts.
It hurts he doesn't think about me or love me anymore.
It hurts that he talks and/or flirts or wants to be with others.
It hurts he makes time for others.
It hurts.

But I didn't....do anything...wrong. I didn't. All I did, was truthfully, unconditionally..love him. Over and over again, despite all the emotional torture, then and now..all I did was love him. All I wanted was to make him happy. For him to show me he loved me, a little better, not A LOT better but a little better than he was.
Need me a little. Share with me a little.

Now? ...
A friend of mine said this "..Let him come to you. If he really loves you he will find a way back to you.."...and she told me that when I told her I couldn't hang on anymore, I wanted to call him. She asked why. I said I didn't know. She asked what would I have said if I had called and he had picked up. I said I didn't get that far. I was in dire need to just..hearing his voice. But she's right. Don't do it.
And I didn't.
I don't have to do work.
He does. He. left. me. If he wants to be with me, he's gotta do work...
..make your decisions and do work.
I might ramble a bit more before the night's decline, but tomorrow may be a whole new person.
Tomorrow he sees just how real it is and I find out just how strong I am against him.
...do work, Chris...

I don't know what it's like

...when someone doesn't want you, til now. It hurts. It physically hurts. My heart aches and my stomach hurts. It feels like someone's sitting on my chest all the time. I've never not been wanted, but I've also not wanted another like I wanted for Chris.
With my ex, Mike, I think I grew to love him. I thought he was cute at first but there was no real spark. And he grew on me. We did things together. We went out, I disregarded his faults and accepted his idiosyncrasies. And when I wanted Chris and he didn't respond..I was alright.
Now? The thought of him talking to other women, or wanting to be with someone else...hurts.
I told my mom when she told me I looked like I wanted to cry, that it was the reality of the situation kicking in.
Letting go, really letting go.
We don't talk much at all. Our conversations are short and no longer end with what they once did. The way they did.
It's cold. It's distant.

I'm frightened to be alone, seemingly. To be unwanted, now.
No matter what anyone says, all the cliche bullshit, all the "it'll get better with time".."Be happy with yourself, use this time for you"...none of it is going to take this pain away. It feels like I always have to throw up.
Maybe I'll feel better after Monday. Maybe I won't.
..at this rate, the way we're just...drifting apart...I don't think he'll come back.
...and I'm afraid I'll be stuck with this ache ...
Yeah ..no I don't need the cliche "Only if you let it.."
It hurts now.

It saddens me now, though that I heard back from a school I wanted to send her to and when I called him to tell him, he still doesn't want to start her in September, he still wants her to wait.
...you're depriving your child..of school.
*sigh*...this sucks. It hurts and it sucks.

Ughhh

How the fuck am I supposed to even WANT you when all you do is direct your anger and hostility at me? For days you've been nothing but a complete asshole to me since I said lets not have sex anymore.
Or even before. You've been nasty. Short. Cold. And I'm not even reaching!!! I'm staying out of your way.
And all of a sudden you threaten my brother because of something you know he did? Grow the fuck up. All you did on the pc was play games and watch porn so why get so mad. You know why he locked it. He told you when and why. You Have a problem. You didn't say shit.
Now all of a sudden you get pissy.
I hate you for making me hate you like this. For making me angry. For making me cry. You've done enough.
You take everything as an assault and you play the victim. You're a cold lying asshole.
I hate you for ruining my heart when all it wanted ...all it was, was good to you. Loved you. Loves you.

I hate you for doing this. Every day that goes by you make this unbearable. You are nasty and mean and you think you aren't. Everything you do makes you coming back IMPOSSIBLE. Everything makes it harder to want you back. Because all you've done is cause pain, anguish, chaos. Grief.
You can't want to come back for something you burnt your bridges to ...not if you're ensuring you have NO WAY IN HELL of reaching it or knowing if it'll even be there anymore.
You've ruined me. And I hate you.

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Blaahhhh

Knots.
Miserable.
Nervous.
Angry.
Lonely.
Tired.
Unable to sleep.
Angry but not at him.
Just a mess.
Because I miss him.
More than I should.
Curious.
Jealous for no obvious reason. Frightened.



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Maybe I shouldn't have spent THAT much

..but I figured I don't indulge in a lot. I spent maybe, $150 on myself last night. Not on clothes, on drinks, on jewels, or anything materialistic. I spent it on the phone, with a psychic. I know, a lot of people don't believe in those things. Maybe it was curiosity. Maybe it was confirmation of the known, or the insight of something I didn't know.
I feel terrible having spent THAT MUCH but I started with the intention of only using 30$. That 30 turned to 80. And I think perhaps another 50. I can't remember.
She said she feels a lot of depression from him.
He's fighting with something in himself. Guilt. She said he may even have a problem with being faithful in that he likes the chase. Personally, looking back, I think I said too much. It didn't start off that way. I was sparse with words.
She said she can tell he is deeply and genuinely in love with me and he wants to be with me but something is holding him back. She can't understand what. She said every night he hopes that I know he'll come back home. She asked if I ever feel that connection ...I said no. Which was true. I feel my own longing for him mostly at night and in the morning. When I am very aware he's NOT there. But I never feel him reaching for me.
She said I was incredible strong for taking the things he's done to me.
She asked if I'd ever forgiven him for it. Outwardly told him so. I said no. Because he downplayed it. He made it seem as if he'd done nothing wrong. All the women, all his absence. She said he doesn't even find the thrill in chasing anymore. He's losing the 'fun' in it. And she was confused that if he could feel so strongly for me, why would he need to still do those things.
I explained the partial conversation I read. I said I felt the presence of another ..but I couldn't be sure. I had no proof.
She said I should continue to give him his space.
She asked if I know where he is, I said yes.
She asked if he was near. I said yes.
She asked if I ever visit. I said no. There was turbulence between me and his family. I explained we were ethnically different. I said that even though he is near, their home is out of the way for me to drive near. She said it was good that I didn't. She asked if I'd ever seen him drive near or past our apartment. I said no. Never. She said he does. Often. And when he does, he slows as if to say "I'm coming home."..It was then that I confirmed I lived on a main street. At times he would have to come this way but he can easily go another route from his house.
She said he's seeking counseling of some sort and it's helping. He feels confident in whatever help he's getting. I didn't say he might be seeking legal counsel. I mentioned near the end that we were going to court. She asked if he was angry. I said no. It's what he wanted. She said it was wise. Because then he would understand just how real it was.
She said we have always had a great love affair and if we could get past our difference together, we would be dynamic. She said she feels he will return. She said she sees me giving him another child. She asked if that was ok. I said yes. She said if I was aware he was my soul mate. She said he wasn't a religious person. I didn't agree to her but I agreed to myself. It's true. She said he believes we belong together. he just has to take a stand with me, for us.
My time was nearing an end and she had began asking about Jaiden.
I felt I had heard what I wanted to know.
So I discontinued the call and berated myself for spending as much as I had. Nevertheless.

I'm still frightful of the future. But I'd opted to just...be still.
I did confront him about the intimacy between us lately. He said we were wrong to continue. He said he knew we should stop since the day at the beach. He said he thought I was happy. I asked why would he think I was happy.
I asked why would he try if he knew it was wrong. More than once, twice. He said it's because I'm safe. He knows me, I know him. I assumed disease free safe. He said no. Safe being we were comfortable with each other.
I was in disbelief. I told him I felt used because he said it was because he was lonely, or horny as hell.
He's still laden with that "I don't know" line and it drives me crazy.
The conversation ended heated and badly.
But I felt I did the right thing in confronting the intimacy. Because I told him I'm weak. I can't say no to him. Because I want him.

I hate crying

..I really do hate crying because you know what? He isn't crying over me. He isn't even thinking about me. He's lying, he's cold. He's distant, he's absent. WHY the hell am I feeling all this remorse ..all this hurt for someone who doesn't give a shit.

Land of dream

Had a sporadic dream last night. I heard his car. I heard him come inside the apartment. Clean shaven. Red and black shirt. Khakis. He came into the bedroom and grabbed a handful of his clothes. Held it close. I said hi sleepily as I struggled to see what he was doing. I was scared. I felt as though a huge weight was upon my chest keeping me from speaking. Moving. I was choked up as I knew I wanted to protest his actions.
But he said very little. Yet a determined look lay on his face. Blue eyes wide and bluer than usual.
I couldn't stop him.

And as I sit here with my daughter, I'm reminded of how he still holds me. How he listened to my heartbeat as he laid his head on my chest. But he thought it was something sexual rather than just having him close to me.

The vision of Him holding my hand with his while using the other to push me away. How it hurt to say either pull me close and embrace me always or let me go.

I am less depressed yet sad at his distance. His absence. I am hopeful, deeply so. I am angry as his little secrets.

I am lonely because I spent years being alone. I need someone to share all this love. I need someone to support me. Hold me. Love me. Save me.

But ...it's not enough if it's not him.

Sent from my iPhone