A crisis of the soul

I had a rough week. But the night I titled this empty page, I was imagining life changing. And I thought of what would come. The good. The bad. The drastic step back in order to move forward. I was petrified. What if he was gone? What would I do?

I'd been here before. Thing was, I didn't think to ask myself THAT question at all. I had a place to run to. Home. My mom. My dad. Chris. I wasn't with a child in tow but I didn't have a job then either. Not yet. The checks from unemployment were salvation enough to make that aspect less of a worry. I had enough in my account and savings to last for a bit. I didn't ask.."What if he's not here. "

I just made the decision, and went with it. All my belonging either destroyed because they could be replaced or I had no place to put it. I didn't even worry after I had packed up and gone, and the days that went by and he called, or texted, or wanted to see me, or work things out. I just KNEW somewhere in me, I would be OK.

Now? Part of me was breaking down and I was losing myself in the "what if"s of it all.
What was I going to do with everything I had?
Where would I go and not feel like a ...burden?
Would things get worse when I leave?
Do they get better?
How soon?

I was going stir crazy in my head. BUT ...just for a moment.
After all the panic, after all the crying, and yes there was a lot of crying, after all the questions, upon questions, ...
I felt relief.
I wasn't afraid...well, not as much ..

I'd be home.
I'd have my daughter.
My child will be safe and taken care of.
Loved and with ME, above all else. WITH. ME.

I was upset I'd have to start my life over, and I was upset I'd be without the one person I loved with all my heart. But...I was more relieved that I wouldn't have to beg for answers, worry where he was, who he was with, who called or texted him at whatever time. Wonder if I was being lied to all the time.
Child support would help with some of the things for Jaiden.
I'd be...29, broke, jobless, and alone with a child.

I was torn between facing a lonely reality or...a fraudulent happiness.
I'd be a huge imposition on my family. Their space, their income, their bills. I just...

There was so many things to consider. The money to move and store everything, the hit my credit would take in losing the apartment, the deposit.
What was I going to do? The right decision or the safe decision?

A crisis of the soul. Fearing the unknown of tomorrow today. I wish I could sleep my pain away. Cry til my sadness drowns.