Oh Damn it

..all to hell.
Here's my issue, as if you expected something less, or else. Lol. I have very few people in my life I can call 'friends' regardless of sex, past, sexual orientation, or location. They're spread out everywhere. I was actually saving to write this tomorrow because I wanted to waste time now. o.O yeah..I said that.
But a couple or friends of mine (who I probably won't have time to explain who they are or their backgrounds in my life but if I do...heh, enjoy) decided it was time for our catch up rendezvous. The initial plan was last Friday night but due to one being sick and then word of the incoming Storm, of course we rescheduled.

I guess I can start a background story.
One of them is Frank.
He used to be a student of mine but we're the same age, perhaps a year apart. He just turned 30. Great guy, very handsome. Not my type but back in the day when I was still 'looking around' the thing that attracted me about him was how much we had in common, and how well we clicked. I blame it on the fact that he's a Cancer, like my ex and my brother, and also a water sign. Pisces and Cancer seem to get each other, although, with my brother and I that seems far fetched. But we hit it off the moment I met him, and up until the day I found out he was gay, it was fabulous. Every day after that? Even better because I gained a great friend in him. We've had numerous nights out be it at a local watering hole, the local gay club which we ventured to too often to announce but damn did I have a blast. I'm not quite sure when I allowed him to know of me, my past, but he let me into his world ..his past...and my how dismal it was.
Today he's (as far as I know until I see him again) an aspiring bartender in Brooklyn, living on his own and having a ball. It's never been just US two, though. The third leg in our tripod of chaos is G.

Guzman.
My co-worker/friend.
I spent many years working with him. Seen him through many girlfriends, a divorce, his daughter. His brother. He made work so much easier at times and so much fun. Another Pisces like myself ...a great listener. All round good guy if I had to summarize.

I hope to have pictures up on that night as well. So you can better see just who these two men are. But our adventures have been some of my most remembered and fun experiences. From having all three of us drunk beyond belief to them driving my car (who I never ever let anyone drive) back home and G telling Frank he had to take me upstairs (when I lived with my parents still) because my Dad disliked G. To all three of us ending up in the mens room of the local TGIF but no one knew I was in the stall while they were at the head. Sloshing back tequila from the bottle as pregame to a night out at the club after work, while changing in the car to heinekens in the parking ...40s on the outside at midnight and being cornered by cops ..having to ditch the bottles (but not lose the booze) til later when we were sure they were gone.
Some of those things I'll never forget.
Well needless to say I'll be seeing this pair Wednesday night at the locals again after a few years. yes, its been years since I've seen either. And I look forward to it. Kinda.
Why?
Well I asked my mom to babysit since Chris will be coming as well but she reminded me that Wednesday is Eid (a muslim holiday to mark the end of the fasting month of Ramadan) - I don't celebrate any of my religion's holy days but I don't deny them simply out of respect for my parents. SO...with her reminding me of it, I felt the guilt of my going out and drinking through the phone. With that said, depending on if they take her or decide to just watch her here at the apartment, I'll have to either NOT drink or if they do take her, not drink til after midnight. FUCK. MY. LIFE.

I found this amidst..*Irene*

A lot of my poetry I've forgotten. I know none of them by heart as it were being that there's so many, and each are so long. So many things to remember.

This one having re-read it, made me smile. I didn't finish but I'll start typing it out anyways and at the end, i hope I remember who and why I wrote it.

3.59pm
12.30.04

You're an addiction I've come to harbor
Like a baby craves candy;sweet
At first sound of your voice across the lines
And that first whisper "Hello" - a sound that renders me to my feet.

A smile to reminisce when we first met
Thoughts of you bring me back to that night
I couldn't forget the sparks that flew through me
To not take you all at once was a sure fire fight

You're a find in the deck of failure
You're my dream come to life, card of perfection
One of my greatest achievements was to have found you
I wouldn't return you to the pack to make another selection

I'll make no promises, I'll make no vows
But I give you my word to try
To make you as happy all your life as you've made me in this short space of time
And to never bring you sadness;to make you cry

A piece of salvation
The missing part of my life, found
It is now that you and I are one
Forever our souls entwine;forever to each other, bound.

- Sadly, I don't remember who the fuck I wrote that for. BUT it's written on the day before the New Years Eve after the Christmas I met Chris. I was with someone else, though.
It's after 11pm, I've had a dumbfounded week and I've been in an unrealistically bad mood for the latter part of it. I think I may know why but it's stupid enough that I wouldn't want to admit to it. Music is momentarily filling my head as I'm writing this simply because the song that is on replay has a fly beat that takes my mind off whatever is bothering me. Irene is plowing down on us not nearly as hard as she was expected to come, but the night is young, and there's a lot more than can transpire between now and the morn. I've been periodically checking in on my parents via celly, and Chris' parents/Mom via text.

I wish it would just open up and absolve us. The lights are flickering here and there and I'll save this before the lights completely go.

Oh a change!

A few months ago I'd heard of an opening at a nearby fitness center. It would be in the child care department and I was told, which would be a perk, that I would be able to have my child with me since I'm the sole caretaker available to her every day regardless of time. But I applied nonetheless. After I had applied, I went back and saw the manager, just to introduce myself. Say hello. A few days later was their grand opening since they transitioned from one business to another. I was there again, to do the same, Say hello to the manager. A week ago, I went back.
When I had originally applied, I didn't just apply for the child care department, but also for customer service, and the receptionist position if it was available.
I found out yesterday that I now have an interview tomorrow at 10am.
I'm happy and scared in the same. What if I'm not allowed to bring my daughter with me. I mean, it's just an interview. I know. But the bright side of this is that
1. I'll be working again.
2. My credit can get better incase many things were to happen in the future.
3. I can pay off some of my debt quicker. At the moment I make my payments on time but I pay the minimum.
4. I won't feel so damn useless and bored.
5. I might be able to save a little money on my own since I have...none.
6. My daughter will have more social interaction with other children which can help get her ready for school when the time comes. She's 2 and incredibly brilliant for her age.
7. I get more adult social interaction so I don't go crazy.
8. If I can hold and maintain this job it can get better position wise which will help when Jaiden gets older and is at school more often.
9. It's part time so it's not a full time commitment yet.
10. The commute isn't far at all but I will require my car. I hate depending on people (excluding my parents who are incredibly reliable) but with their full time jobs I would cater to their schedules first.

What if Chris continues to be as unreliable as I know him to be?
When we had our talk he said I'm afraid to leave Jaiden with him, which is why I never go anywhere. And it's true (though I didn't say it) - I am. If I leave her alone with him for even an hour he complains. She gave him a headache. Or he forgets to feed, change or entertain her. so how am I going to....even think about leaving him with her for 4 hours a couple times a week, if even that long.
Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. I might have to force him to buck up.

But I am looking forward to being back in the work force again. I've missed it. i have never been a stationary kind of person. I feel stupid and useless. Maybe now I won't. :D

Invisible

I stay close to some of my friends over the years via Facebook. Some I used to work with, some I used to know through other friends who are still part of my life or who have moved on. Regardless, everyone on my list is someone I've met face to face or someone I'm very close with. Students, parents. Family. Friends.

Today one in particular stuck out ...an old flame of a very good friend of mine.
They'd parted ways years ago but she and I have always remained in mild contact. A great woman. Strong, mother of more than 3 I believe. I haven't seen her in so long but I know she's been through a lot. Especially in her personal life. Recently, and by that I mean, possibly a few months maybe? She met someone and they've met and I find out she's moving from jersey to Northern Arkansas to be with him. Moving as in, herself and her sons. Leaving her home, her job and everything she knows here, and going clear cross hundred if miles.

And my heart ached. Still does, honestly. I know she's thought it through. I know it's her life, but a part of me has a looming fear that ...
I won't say it.

I just hurt a bit.
I refuse to be the negative in all the positive she sees in this endeavor. I refuse to be the one grey cloud in the vast blue sky that is her life.
I don't know that feeling. Moving my entire life to be with someone else.
I guess part of me wish I did.

Part of me feels invisible enough to think the worse in her situation.
I don't know how much sense that makes but it's there.

Faux family

And it's just what they are. The faux in laws as I like to call them. They aren't really my in-laws because Chris and I aren't married. But for the length if time that we've been together, live together, have a daughter, all the family affairs and outings. It seems fitting, I suppose.
But there's always been conflict with them at some point. I'll start slow.

Faux mom.
She and I always coexisted. I dated her first born boy, half I'd her twins.
She did everything for him. Meals. Laundry. Clean room. Woke him for work. Smokes. Booze. Money. Reminder on bills. Lender of car. Co-conspirator. His go to for whatever.
If she needed something done ... Well she would have to lay the guilt on pretty thick or do it herself. But she is the reason why he is the way he is with the habits he has. Late. Lazy. Avid smoker and drinker.
My qualm?
she thinks I'm not good enough for him. I'm good to him. Maybe too good. But that's it. Before I was pregnant she wanted me to convince him to move in with me; but with her waiting on him hand and foot I couldn't. While I was pregnant she didn't help me in any way when he acted like a fool. She took his side in every matter. I'm sure they knew he was seeing someone else while I was pregnant. After I had Jaiden she would swindle her way with Chris after I expressed my views about things dealing with my child. One instance was when Jaiden was born she had, and still has, eczema. After 4 month marker it got worse. I switched pediatricians (who were recommended by his sister) and I saw a specialist. A dermatologist and an allergist. A baby on medicine and steroids. Yeah I did that. After a few months his mother made him take jaiden back to the first doctor who prescribed everything she had already been on. I told her o had fine everything could for her. It was just a matter if dealing with it in a day to day basis. My second opinion in doctors was my choice due to comfort. With her doing that, they didn't read her file right and put my infant back on the same medicine she was in four months previously.
Another factor would be her wanting to do a birthday party for Jaiden's first. We were in Florida the day of so it would be when we returned. Now anyone who knows me knows I would never ever imposition myself in someone's home. So for her to even fathom that I would 1. Make plans without discussing it with her first, is completely outrageous. 2. invite people to her house when I myself am uncomfortable there and NOT tell her, is just fucking retarded. And 3. While in Florida, she was drunk out of her mind so even if we did talk about it (which we didn't), she wouldn't have remembered. So in order for me to do any or all of those things, I'd need some sort of "Ok" from her, right? Right. So 3 days before the party, she calls me up and, no lie, yells at me on the phone like I'm some teenager who got caught coming in past my curfew. I just put the phone down and I could still hear EVERY WORD she said. So she yelled. All I said, thereafter, was "Ok, thanks" -click-
Another instance would be the first time my family was 'invited' to their house on the 4th of July 2 years ago. Chris, Jaiden and myself were there with his relatives and what not, my brother texted to ask where we were, what were we doing. The plan initially was to visit Chris'  parents then go to a town over to my cousin's to see the fireworks and a BBQ. Plan fail. We stayed there, which I was cool with. Was even my suggestion. Chris likes being with his family. So, he suggested my brother stop over. I asked if he was sure that was OK. He assured me it was. With him, was his now live in girlfriend. His mother took immediate offense to that. It was all over her face. Chris' father asked if they'd like some food, he'd throw some steaks on the grill, some hot dogs, some burgers, whatever. My brother said "Sure"..she was PISSED.
A couple hours later, my parents were just getting out of work, they called me to see how things were.I left them know the change in plans and we were still local and my brother was with us. Chris' father suggested they come by. After watching her face melt off the first time, I begged Chris to make sure it was OK. With the answer given, my parents did indeed show up.
Now these were the day when I could still drink. And not just beer but we'd do scotch shots and chase with beer. So I was a few in and with another liquor store run close. Everyone was a bit tipsy by that hour. My parents arrived, and once again, knowing they'd just gotten out of work, his dad offered dinner, which they obliged. Of course, they were hungry. And her face...his mother's face ...was as if my parents weren't good enough to eat her food. it was in utter disbelief that his father could offer such a thing. Offer food? To cook? My mother saw the look on her face...her hunger vanished.
My dad finished most of his with my help as did my brother. I love a good steak. :D
The hours were still falling by, and the drinks kept pouring. I had lightened up because I was made aware of what was going on. His mother was neck deep in whatever she was drinking. it was drawing close after 1am, she's hammered, and the talk had transgressed so wickedly, from everything to money, to lack of money, to class, to... and then she started dropping less than subtle hints of the time. I heard it not once, but twice in a matter of minutes, mind you.My momentary inebriated came to a crashing halt and I was immediately sober. Every few moments she kept reminding everyone of the time, namely my parents. In all her drunken stupor, she made her guests feel, uninvited and unwelcome thereafter and then not good enough to be in her presence. My parents never wanted to be around them again.

Faux Dad
He's always treaded lightly to my face, at least. Then again, men are less judgemental outwardly. He's always been at arms length, very pleasant and friendly.
My qualm?
the first time they met my parents after I got pregnant. My parents are old school, especially my dad. I guess they expected something like this to happen and Chris to be the bigger man and marry me. I don't know. We were at Chris' twin sister's home. His father was drunk. And I was not in the room at the moment. But as I meandered my way back in I overheard "So...my son got your daughter pregnant, ...what do you want me to do? There's nothing I can do."
After 3 months of Chris and I dating, our first Christmas was again, spent at his sister's house. His father and I were outside sharing a cigarette, which I only smoke when I'm completely and utterly trashed. But he said to me "I consider you my daughter already. You're a part of the family. I just have one request. Give me a grandson." I will never forget those words.
He and I have no altercations nor disagreements. I used to call him 'Dad' but I think that made Chris' mom uncomfortable. So I stopped.

Faux brother-in-law
Sean is 21. Again, no qualms. Just that he was rude to my mother once. I didn't like it. I lost a little bit of respect for him. He's young and has no direction yet.

Faux sister-in-law & her husband

Nikki and her cop husband Don. She's a teacher. Mother of 2 sheltered spoiled daughters, 7 and 9 I believe. I've gone to her for advice on many things, but she's crossed the line with me a few times, not as much as her mother. And she has a way of getting into Chris' head, not in a good way, which in turn makes him dislike her more. She's also set in her ways and will mooch off her parents as much as possible.
My qualm?
1. She told Chris that she didn't want me to be a part of the family. No idea WHY she would say that. She's two faced. which could go for her mother as well, but she's a young and more vicious version. Mom's more...passive about it. She uses her children as leverage for getting what she wants be it for herself or her family. She's done it before, I've been witness to it. Again - their mother is a big part of all their bad habits. She'll say something to my face and then tell Chris something completely different.I am very happy Chris sees through her at times and rarely falls for her traps. His mom, not so easy. He's a sucker for his mother, as is any man. Don's a subtle man. But he's got that quiet arrogance about him. I have yet to decipher how I feel about him. My only run in with him aside from the fact he talks about the family behind their back to EVERYONE is that he thinks I'm pretty stupid. I've got him on my clock and his time's slowly ticking away. :D

Faux sister-in-law inadvertently.  Becky, Sean's long time, possibly only girlfriend.
She also just turned 21 and sided with Nikki often, especially when it comes to  things dealing my my daughter. She's a lone child to a pair of dotting parents. She's got fibro myalgia (or so she says) and she's allergic to everything dairy. Again, she talks about everyone behind their back and sides with whoever has the most power in the conversation at that point in time.
 I can't say if I see myself becoming a part of this family. I can say I see Becky becoming part of before I am. She's there more often, she's always around their parents and she's involved in everything from parties, to dinners and every trip they take.

Conclusion?
The fact that they drive past our place every day twice a day and either says they'll stop by and don't or don't at all, as if we live states away or they need an invitation is enough to make me just stop asking/letting them know they're welcome.
I don't mind being the outsider. But don't treat my kid the same way and then act like I keep her away. when I had a car BEFORE I knew she was allergic to cats, I was there with her every chance I got to fit their schedule. Now that I know her allergies, and one home has like, 15 cats and the other recently got one, why should I subject myself and my child to that discomfort.

I'm tired of adjusting my life to accomodate everyone else. Our place is small but it's clean. It's homey and those who know my open door policy take advantage of it. Those who choose not to? Your loss!

Under pressure

It's been a few days at least. This feeling won't subside at all. As if I'm under heavy duress ... A weight just lodged so confidently on my chest. That feeling as if there a need to cry. It's big. But you can't get it out. There's no tears. Just... Pressure ... Suffocating.
I don't know what it is but it's only when I lay in bed. Awake. Maybe it's why I don't sleep ..
I can't swim but I always see myself stepping off the ledge of a bridge when I lie here. I feel my life just slipping away. Leaning out from my seams..and then I look over. I tell her every day how much I'll always love her ever if I'm not here..
Tears. I feel them ...and all I can do in this moment is close my eyes and turn into my palm and will them away as the pain in my chest grows.
Always so. Sad. Always pretending lately.
Somethings wrong and I'm not ok... Not anymore.

Sent from my iPhone

Lost

Lost in thought
Always so far
Never where you want to be
But never where you are
Lost in dreams
So unclear
Not enough to talk about
Not enough to share
Lost in hope
That's running thin
So vacant and lonely
Lost within
Lost alone
It's best this way
To be lost for good
Completely lost one day.
Sent from my iPhone

A new day, the same life.

It was a more pleasant way of saying "Same shit, different say" I suppose. I figure, why reflect all that negativity on something that could be positive.

I ask for a lot, of myself.
Be kind.
Be patient.
Be forgiving.
Be faithful.
Be honest.
Be open.
Be funny. Smart. Pretty.

But I ask myself not because it's something I have to do but it's because its something that I should do, for me. To remind ME that I'm all those things great. Good. Fine. Ok.

I think I made him realize that if I'm not ok, then I can't be the one thing I'm home to do: Be a good mom. I can't be a good mom if nothing's right for me. If I'm not happy. My daughter will have a challenging life when it comes to relying on me, the one who's ALWAYS with her but who's always a mess when she's around me. When I'm around her. How can she come to me, ask my advice, my input on anything when I'm a mess? She can't.

Mommy the basket case? No
I let him know his train of thought in thinking "Hey if I leave and she calls someone else 'Dad' - what do I do then?" is wrong. Because our fights has nothing to do with Jaiden. It's US. If you become a part time dad that's on you.
She'll never be the first or last.
You'll always be the sperm do--I mean, father. But being a Dad is completely different.

Men seem to think they need to always turn heads. Why can't they be satisfied by the knowledge that they'll always have their number one fan in the woman at their side? She'll always think he's smart, handsome and sweet. He's still insensitive. He's still stupid and he's still hurtful.
But now he knows, I'll be FINE without him. WE will be fine, without him. If he continues to be useless and unaffectionate and absent, and all the same bullshit he was pulling before, then yeah. Then again, his ass isn't traveling anytime soon either. What a twist!

I guess I'm a bit confused by what happened and what is happening.

Wait. Huh?

Well not so much me but my thoughts have seem to be lost in translation lately. So much had happened since my last update. Some good. Some unclarified.
And now it's 4.47am and I know I'll miss the opportunity to write down key points. Or state things properly.


Sent from my iPhone

What a week..

Since my last rendezvous lots have unfolded. Good and bad. So I will save the bulk of my ranting for when I'm on the pc. I can type More. Faster. The words are moving too swiftly to tap it all out in here unless completely necessary. On a short note, I haven't spoken to Jason in a few days yet the last time I did, I was main occupant of his mind and he'd missed me. Hoped to catch up soon. It has yet to come. I did tell him that his wife has been marking her territory as far as his Facebook goes. The last time we talked he says she snoops on his messages. Inquired about me ...
"Are you sleeping with that girl Mindy? "
"No, we are just friends. Why?"
"Oh, well she lives in Sayreville and you're always talking to her. I don't blame you if you were."

My jaw hit the keyboard with a painful clatter. I had told him before that women know. They can sense others close in their territory when it comes to their men. He said it himself. If we ever met, his eyes would devour me.

It felt good and bad. The want. The forbidden ...
I hate that he's so lonely. I dislike that his wife is nasty and rude to him. But I only know one side of the story. I only will every know one side. I'm HIS friend and would never become a mutual friend with someone who sees me as a personal threat to her marriage.

I wish there was more I could do for him, say to him. But I'd rather be safe than sorry. This past week has been less than frequent seeing him but when I had, we had some shared ranting. He doesn't understand what makes Chris do what he does. Makes two of us, honestly.
We're equally drawn by the 20% we don't get in our relationships .. But is either of us getting the other 80%?

I don't know.
I don't want to find out like that.

Sent from my iPhone

A crisis of the soul

I had a rough week. But the night I titled this empty page, I was imagining life changing. And I thought of what would come. The good. The bad. The drastic step back in order to move forward. I was petrified. What if he was gone? What would I do?

I'd been here before. Thing was, I didn't think to ask myself THAT question at all. I had a place to run to. Home. My mom. My dad. Chris. I wasn't with a child in tow but I didn't have a job then either. Not yet. The checks from unemployment were salvation enough to make that aspect less of a worry. I had enough in my account and savings to last for a bit. I didn't ask.."What if he's not here. "

I just made the decision, and went with it. All my belonging either destroyed because they could be replaced or I had no place to put it. I didn't even worry after I had packed up and gone, and the days that went by and he called, or texted, or wanted to see me, or work things out. I just KNEW somewhere in me, I would be OK.

Now? Part of me was breaking down and I was losing myself in the "what if"s of it all.
What was I going to do with everything I had?
Where would I go and not feel like a ...burden?
Would things get worse when I leave?
Do they get better?
How soon?

I was going stir crazy in my head. BUT ...just for a moment.
After all the panic, after all the crying, and yes there was a lot of crying, after all the questions, upon questions, ...
I felt relief.
I wasn't afraid...well, not as much ..

I'd be home.
I'd have my daughter.
My child will be safe and taken care of.
Loved and with ME, above all else. WITH. ME.

I was upset I'd have to start my life over, and I was upset I'd be without the one person I loved with all my heart. But...I was more relieved that I wouldn't have to beg for answers, worry where he was, who he was with, who called or texted him at whatever time. Wonder if I was being lied to all the time.
Child support would help with some of the things for Jaiden.
I'd be...29, broke, jobless, and alone with a child.

I was torn between facing a lonely reality or...a fraudulent happiness.
I'd be a huge imposition on my family. Their space, their income, their bills. I just...

There was so many things to consider. The money to move and store everything, the hit my credit would take in losing the apartment, the deposit.
What was I going to do? The right decision or the safe decision?

A crisis of the soul. Fearing the unknown of tomorrow today. I wish I could sleep my pain away. Cry til my sadness drowns.

The pain

..the hours that go by the pain just seems to swell with it. Pass with it. It had been almost 3 days since he'd called and even then, it was only because his mother told him I was worried. 3 days and I couldn't take it anymore. I called again, to replied with a text that he couldn't speak. Busy. 10 minutes later, It's almost 2am here, he called. He said he didn't want to talk to me, which is why he didn't call at all. He thinks he should move out when he returns. That he didn't want to talk about it further than that and he had to go. Then, he said "Forget everything I said.."
I'm confused. I've cried til my chest hurts. Til I want my chest to rip open and my soul to just spill out of me because it hurts so much.
He went all the way to Vegas, to ignore me, and then ti semi-instigate a break up over the phone.
"I have to go. I'll call you back."

He never did.
Part of me can foresee the end. Me moving out of this place because I can't pay the rent and the bills and he won't. He has...no credit to get another on his own, so he'll wreck mine by making me forfeit the apartment and lose my security deposit.
He won't talk to me when he gets back. He'll use every excuse he can as he parks himself in front of his computer again. "I'm tired..I've had a long flight. A long day."..whatever it takes, to not face this. And I am too weak to even begin to deal with it.

I sent myself flowers. They'll be here tomorrow. I just want to feel wanted. Loved. Beautiful. Thought of.
...and I still want him.
But he's so set in his ways that I'll possibly never have him. I maybe, never had him. I don't know anymore.

Tears

They say many things about tears .. It cleanses the mind, the heart. The soul. Lately, they've drowned all of the above. I thought I would be biding my time til I was string enough to run. But I don't know how long I can actually 'hold on'...
I really do hurt. It sucks. What hurts more right now is knowing he only called yesterday because his mom told him to .. I haven't heard from him since. I'm trying my best not to call or text. But it hurts knowing he doesn't think of me. Or us.
Its almost 2am here. 11pm there. 3 more days. Then. More rejection. I can't win because I still care.

"what have I done to deserve this.."

Sent from my iPhone

Dear John

I wanted to say a few things that I don't have the heart to say to your face. So I thought a letter would do. It's terrible where we are. I'm still not in a happy place. The anguish between us has brimmed to a destructive self loathing that I don't deserve.
I want more. I've always wanted more. And no matter how you say you'll try; you don't. You haven't and you may never. I need love. I need affection. I need attention and acknowledgment .. I need sympathy and caring. I need spoiling. I need to be made to feel alive. Wonderful. Vibrant and desired.
You give me nothing to look forward to. Nothing to be happy about. You rarely make me smile.
I ache to be held. To be kissed. I'd settle to be touched warmly. I ache for passion.
Dear John.
I'm not your wife. I doubt I'll ever be. If you can't be a good boyfriend. A good father. You can't be a better husband. I want someone who will support my ideas and decisions when I have them. I need an active participant in my life. Not someone who is so self absorbed by video games. I support and stand behind everything you do and offer to compromise if it's something you want and I don't agree with.
Dear John.
I love you. I still am in love with you. But I'm here all by myself in this love. And it's not fair. Healthy. Sane. I don't know what more I can do. But I am no longer happy ..
Dear John.
I must let you go.
You never wanted me to begin with.

Sent from my iPhone

I wish I had found this sooner.

***Know that you are perfect right now.

Every single relationship you have is a reflection of how you feel inside about you. You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings. Every relationship you have and every interaction with every person, is a reflection of your own thoughts and feelings in that very moment.

You can completely transform any relationship, no matter what it's like right now.

To transform every single relationship you have in your life:

Fall in love with YOU!

Make lists of hundreds and hundreds of wonderful things about you. Keep adding to it every day.

Know that you are perfect. Do not think any negative thoughts about you.

Know that you are worthy and deserving of anything and everything you could possibly want in your life.

Focus on the wonderful things in every person. Look for only those things.

Do not blame or criticize anybody, ever.

Set an intention that you are going to see the best in everything and everyone.

Make your happiness the number one thing in your life. Happiness is an inside job.

Free yourself of the responsibility of trying to make other people happy. Respect and love them enough to allow them to take care of their own happiness.

Get your attention off those things in others that don't make you feel good.

Appreciate and love yourself in every moment you can.

Do not expect others to behave in a way you want, so you will be happy. Release yourself forevermore and know that you alone control your happiness and it is a choice, no matter what anyone else is doing.

Love and respect yourself completely.

Know that you are perfect right now.***

In a life where all you can do and focus on is someone other than yourself, it's hard to be this positive all the time. When it's you being half of a whole and that other half isn't helping you feel any better or asks any questions, or neglects you, how can you, half of a whole, expect to feel whole, or feel good.

We can never truly be complete with ourselves. That's why we have mates, that's why we seek companionship and partners. I don't care HOW fulfilling you think your life is, you need someone there. At your side. I need someone. At my side.

Insignificant

"..a broken down cloud just hanging around.."
Another day my daughter gets to see me cry .. And she asks "mama.. Are you alright"

No I'm not honey. I'm sad.
And she hugs me.
He gives me less and less reasons to stay. And I'm running out of excuses why I can't or won't leave. If I could I'd lay here and cry some more and hope to die ... But my child will notice.
Sent from my iPhone

He made me feel

Wonderful. Pretty
Sexy in a word
Wanted like never
Before. Free as a bird

Loved and admired
Not drenched in tears
Great affection through no voice
It's been years

Lively and needed
It's been so long
Have I been trapped in a lie?
Is my love wrong?

He's not mine
But he made me feel
Complete and whole
...he made me feel.

Sent from my iPhone

A week

.. All by myself. Great. I guess. I'm alone a lot to begin with. This should be no different.
Be strong...I wish I could but he depresses me so.
Be adventurous...he kills my desires for anything.

"let's go shower together. "
"...no"

"..have fun on your trip." and I was done. I want to cry but I expected this. To be turned away. A week. Now he's watching porn..

Maybe I'll avoid his calls ... ignore his texts if there is any. And he won't care. A week to be depressed and be reminded of how really alone I am.
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