Sullen

I have the night to myself ...myself in that he isn't here. I'm just waiting til my daughter decides she wants to sleep then, I can grab a shower and ..do whatever I want wouldn't regard.
I'm currently playing with some comp. proggie to make my own ringtones. And I had to dip into my 3000+ music collection. I'm sure there's more in there but who's counting.
I only have 1 ringtone made and set. His. Smitty ft. Robin Thicke's 'Died in your arms'. Yes it is a remix and I adore the original. But this song...gives me chills.

A shower. And I feel...momentarily sad.
I blame the song and re-reading my text to Chris from earlier.
The song? "Separate lives" by Phil Collins.

"..you have no right...to ask me how I feel...."

I've been thinking about that song for a few days now and just decided to play it. I suddenly wish I hadn't...
Momentarily talking to his mother about taking Jaiden to the park tomorrow.
For the first 2 years of Jaiden's life I was excluded (and by I I mean we*jaiden and me*) from alot of things dealing with Chris' family. It was awkward majority of the time that they were around. To bypass the 2 years ..his mom is now making an attempt to see Jaiden more often.
Now, we don't live far from each other, at all. By car, it would take all of 2 minutes to get from there, to here. They drive by here every day. Morning and evening. She's an at-home-mom/wife (seeing as how their kids are all grown up now) like me but they own many pets.
Scheduling days for her to see Jaiden is like pulling teeth. I keep reminding them they do not need an invitation to come over.
They call and say they'll show up but never do. Or they show up late. Not minutes late. Almost hours late.
It's not like Chris and I had a chance to live together in our own like I wanted because simply because he didn't want to move out of his parents' home at 30. So after a year of BSing around and I sat him down and said I wanted something more stable and him not wanting the same, I said ..ok. And we were on the verge of going our separate ways.
His parents wanted me to persuade him. But how? I let them know that if they continue to do everything for him, hell never go anywhere.
Weeks after that..I found out I was pregnant.
A week before that I was out telling a friend "I love kids, but I financially cannot support one on my own now..I'd be a great mom but I don't think I can, right now."
*sigh*

He made himself scarce after I told him, as soon as I'd found out, I showered and went over to their place, sat him down and told him.
It was his mission, thereafter, to let me know just how much he didn't want this. For weeks he'd beg me to get rid of it, how much longer..why would I want to keep it.
Little did I know why...his reasons.
He said it was because he couldn't support and take care of himself, much less someone else. He didn't 'know' how to be a dad.
What? Did someone give me a manual?

It's after midnight and I know you won't call, you won't text. And I'm ok with that.
No, I'm not but I have to be.

You distance yourself from the one person who'll always be there for you (for now) because you're simply afraid to try. And trying is the easiest part.

I must be crazy..