I find it ...disheartening that ...you think I'd never find out. Not that you did anything wrong, yet. But that you thought you were by hiding what you had. By using words you once used with another and said it was "A joke". What if it was me? What if I...had done those things. I believe in doing onto others as you'd have done onto you. Which is why I hate, and find it impossible, to lie. I can't do it. I'm possibly incapable of it. Too many tell tale signs, and I really suck at it. My poker face fails me. I just...never believed in doing something like that to someone else because I've watched it done. I've...seen the damage it can cause.
What if I hadn't found out. What if I didn't ...the same thing would have happened maybe. I know, I know, just because he wanted it doesn't mean she would have let it happen. And according to her, nothing has, and would never.
...and honestly, after speaking to her, she is WAY out of your league. So much over your head and I honestly, in my heart of hearts, not cheapening myself in the least, think you wouldn't be able to handle the person she is.
My words are but fragments
Bits and pieces of truth right now
not an entire honesty
..no ...I wouldn't know how.
My words are just nonsense
right now anyways
Filled with a silent venom
...is it lessening with the days?
My words make me uneasy
..they make me cringe with no delight
they're forcing the hurt to surface
..these words...
....I don't want to write.
...3.48am
I love the last two lines....these words I don't want to write. I often begin something and stop before completion....scared or hiding what my heart doesn't want to know. Sometimes it takes me months to go back and pick up the thought I scribbled and dropped. Writing is like learning about yourself. Sometimes things you didn't know you felt or even knew come out when you are left with protected honesty. I often read things I myself wrote and have no recollection of ever having done so. It's as if my body and soul are having a conversation I can only read.
ReplyDeletePS. Thank you...You will find in this process that you are underestimating YOUR strength and power. I feel it when we talk and see it in your words. You are coming alive.
I think it's I who owe you the thanks. For reminding me I'm better than the person you spoke to that day for the first time. My words still frighten me, like, I know only 2 people can see this and I'm still afraid to write it all out.
ReplyDelete