I've had this...

Opened for a while now. I don't recall if I saved whatever I'd written before or if I'd wiped it out. I've been aching to get my thoughts down since last night but between the myriad of emotions that kept swelling at what felt like every minute, I got lost. Too many stories. Too many faces, voices, majority of them mine. Lol. yes...majority of them mine.

"I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart.."

Today has come with almost the same.
So many different thoughts, feelings. And I blame it on the music.
I spoke to a friend last night via game chat - I spent a great amount of time on World Of Warcraft (yes I nerd it up) don't laugh. But in a private conversation I spilled some of what I had been going through over the last year.
She'd been my ear for a while back when I found out I was pregnant. I had shut myself in from being outside because the one person I wanted was no where to be found. The one person I should, and did call on, was too busy for me, for whatever the reason.
So when I cried. She listened.

And she hoped with me. Miles away but she sat in our vent (ventrilo) and she soothed me. I, honestly haven't had a tangible friend who have been in my presence. They've always been far away.
I learned at a young age that to trust someone is a great leap and that faith you leap with can swiftly be wiped away. I was too young to learn that lesson then. Every fear, every qualm I had, even with myself, I shared with her, not because she would judge me and not because I needed anything from her but she offered the one thing I wanted. An ear. Just someone to listen to my voice except me.
But little did I know, she was just a messenger.
I had a rival (for many reasons) back then and my rival had swindled their way into my best friend's ear and heard everything I said. And used it against me.
It was as if Superman's trust in Lois Lane was infiltrated by Lex Luther. And he comes at Superman heavily armed with Kryptonite.

I, speedily caught her up to date on what has happened over the last year and a half.
And she knew I wasn't me anymore.
She said "You lost your fight. Get it back."
And she's right. I haven't spoken to her in so long but some how, she knew.

Everyone seems to feel the same way. "Get out, get away"...
And part of me wants to. The other part....can't.