I ridicule myself..

I know I know. I was just thinking, if people wore their true self on the outside, who they really are, I would be ugly too.
Maybe I think it's all too easy but my own faults, I'm blind to.

That may be the case with most, if not every one.
I just...
I find myself with so much self loathing, and a reoccurring hate.
An anger that I can only say stems from great disappointment in the ONE person who has let me down over and over again due to his own lack of giving a damn.

With the years of depression and loneliness to the now self inflicted solitude I reside in. I feel as though I'm a figment of the flame I used to be, burning bright then and now a fragment of ash. Barely a glow.
Cliche incoming "Be happy with yourself before others can be happy with you."
But you know what? FUCK That. As a human, as a woman, I want and need someone at my side. My want is far more than my need because many can function without a counterpart, many can function after their counterpart has come and gone, sometimes too soon.

I want someone to share with, to laugh and cry with.
I want someone who thinks of me; maybe not as often as I think of them, but it would be nice.
I want someone who evolves from 'I' or 'me' to 'us' and 'ours'. Not because we have to but because we both want to.
I want someone who dreams for us. Not just me. It's in my nature to be a dreamer.
I want someone who acts for us. Not just me. It's in my nature to get things done.
I want flowers just because and not because it was necessary.
I want a card with just 'I was thinking of you' because that's all it is.
I want to dance with no music simply because you want me that close.
I want to be close to you more than the little than we are now because it's not just something we both want but something we both desire. Not just me.
The longer we're apart the less I want to be with you but once I am, I'll recall how much I did and want you all that much more.

...
I...hate that I get angry so quick about things that shouldn't matter but I keep it to myself.
I'm human. Let me be mad for however long instead of pointing out how dumb it is. That's why kept quiet. I might already know it's DUMB. But you can't help how you feel sometimes.
I hate that I expect so much from someone who just...has no expectations of their own.
I hate how insignificant you make me feel when after 2 years of living together you still walk in after your work day and forget to say hello or simply don't acknowledge me without me doing it first.
I hate that you never miss me.
I hate that you've lost ...that love. I can see it. I can feel it.

You've become ...almost boring. Mundane. Lesser than ordinary.
Your life in the beginning resided around going out, clubs, random girls, sex with said random girls and sleep/work.
You never suggest an outing. A date. Dinner, a movie, a drive, a walk. Nothing. You'd rather sit in front the computer for hours on end with the only intention of moving to smoke. And that's because I refuse to have anyone smoke in here.
You don't eat. Won't shower.
If someone were to look at our lives they'd think you were more depressed than I am. But the thing is, you'd get away with chalking it ALL up to laziness.
It's been your crutch. Just like labeling your sarcastic attitude about EVERYTHING to you being a douchebag. And you're proud.

You enjoy shirts with the prints of a groom to be, with is bride beside him and the words "lifetime sentence" over it. Or "ball and chain for life". You tell other women you're single or you'll never marry. You 'refuse' to be.
I ask myself far too often, what do you have to offer someone? What do you offer me?
You pay the bills. You're here.
I've said that I feel like your roommate, with benefits because that's how it feels. Empty.
Boring. If I ask to go out, you say yes only because I've asked and you don't want to be the bad guy and say 'No'.
You've made yourself hygienically unavailable if I want to be intimate.

And again, I've told you all this.
I could walk out of the bedroom naked and still get no where because..you haven't showered in a day or two. And I'm ..incapable of ...self gratification.
I just, I don't understand why I'm still here.