I find myself..4.22.06

...disappointed a lot. And after that the anger comes. I think I have that anger more towards myself than anyone. For allowing.
For allowing the years to go by with no results.
For allowing promises to go unfulfilled.
For allowing myself to let go of what reality is and standing by 'hoping' alone.
For allowing myself to drift away into the nothingness of this apartment.
For allowing change, to not come from the most important person; me.
....
I could go on, but it would be mostly my fault.

I remember the days when I could write, and by write I mean, pen to paper, not fingers to keyboard. I adored the fact that no one wrote like that, no one took the time and effort to enjoy something so simple. And something so simple, brought me so much joy.

I told you it looked alright
I told you it was done ok
I turned off the lights and laid into your arms
When you said you wanted me to stay

I'm not saying it to bring you down
I'm not making it all my way
I just want you to know I'm not them
I don't want to be the one you blame one day.

I want you to know, more than this.
But I can't force your eyes wide
I can't make you see your mistakes in silence
I can't lock my voice up inside.

But I can only try to do so much
I can only say it so little each time
I don't want to be the enemy you come to hate
But I can't stand to watch our decline

So the more you push and point the finger
The more you make me hold back
I stand to lay that line in the open
And once I cross it, there's no coming back.