It has to be another lifetime

Sometimes that's how life feels. it's as if this person I stare at is completely different. Or perhaps I'm just learning my way around him. I'm not a person born from greed or desire, or even malice. I am, however, filled with want, need. A need to be taken care of, to be protected, thought of and perhaps, lusted after. O.o maybe that sounds wrong. But it's in the back of my mind every now and then, which is why I ..if even momentarily, revel in the fact that someone else wants (as loosely as that might be) me, Chris notices, AND that it bothered/bothers him enough to mention.

But then, I look back and I see pictures or videos and I see the date and I recall a time when this same person sitting before me was as nice, and sometimes sweet but mostly, going through the motions of being because it seemed like the 'right thing to do'. And in the back of their mind, in the depths of their deepest, darkest nook of their hearts, this isn't where they wanted to be, and I wasn't who they wanted to be with. And it drove me crazy. THAT thought drove me to instant sadness.

The same smile. the same ...'kindness' was there. And I thought it was genuine. But as time withered by, I learned through harsh words, bitter reasoning and unprompted truths, that I was wrong. Very wrong.

"So hard to see, that a woman like you could wait around for a man like me.."...it seems so fitting now that I hear it in melody, such simplistic lyrics. Such truth. They say 'Life can be found in any song..' ..or that just might be me.

There are some days that I find the person next to be someone I never knew. Because his words sound and feel as genuine as if they've been spoken to me for the first time and could be no less than the truth. The person next to me feels nothing but honesty in what they're telling me, showing me ..because it's real. A touch, a smile, a kiss, a simple "I love you."...sometimes I'm just ...lost in the truth of it. Or is that just my ..naive-ness, my...want and nothing more. I want it to be true to the word, honest to the thought, and real to the action.
..Sometimes it just feels like it's another lifetime I'm standing in. Because in reality, a reality I know now, the one I've become accoustumed to..it just..It has to be something other than.