..it's been 3 months give or take a day or two and he's now moved, his own place and trying to find his financial balance. It's always a hindrance. Finances, and he's got such small attentions for it.
He's got poor spending skills. Poor money management skills.
He invited me to see his place on Sunday and I went, mainly to pick my kid up. But he asked me to stay a while. Have dinner with him. I should have said no. But I didn't. I stayed, I enjoyed his company, his embrace, his kisses. *sigh*..this is why I can't let go. I fall into him every time because my heart only wants him. We just held each other, talked a little.
He said he was happy to be in his own place. He enjoyed that it was 'his'. He was happy to not be in his parents' house anymore. So he wouldn't have to listen to them and their comments about me. About being with me.
He was lonely. He missed me.
But he still didn't know if he wanted to spend his life with me.
Do I make him happy? Yes.
Is he happy with me? Yes.
Then what gives?
He also gave me a key to his apartment.
I've never dated much. I had a total of two loves in my life. And kissed just the same amount outside of those long term relationships. I don't understand why he would give me a key. Is it something I'm missing or not seeing?
A friend suggested that this is his way of re-trying the dating thing with me. Inviting me over for dinner. "Hey come over to my place"...almost like a sense of closure on his part ..on that part of his life. Living on his own for the very first time. Doing things by himself. And then he would come back.
I said that some people go from their mother's homes to their wives. Or fiance's But that's because they know they want to share their lives with that person.
We talked..I didn't dawdle on any of his answers, and was only grateful that he talked a bit.
He hates my brother.
Hates that his family never came over.
Hates that someone was always over. Meaning my family. But that was to see Jaiden. Perhaps it was too much for him
He hated the apartment. But that was on him. He never wanted to leave. He didn't want a bigger place. He wouldn't even make a move when I suggested a bigger place. Even to look.
But I moved the conversation along so he wouldn't feel the pressure of just one subject.
He said he wished I went out more. I said he complained about money so I didn't and the fact that he didn't spend any time with me was a big factor.
He said I was upset when he went out. I pointed out that the person he chose to go out with brought him back late, drunk and broke. And it took him years to even see that. They lied about going to strip clubs, drove around drunk off their asses, neither could drive well enough. And his friend had HIM spend his money. Never the other way around.
But I didn't linger on the subject of the conversation of his friends.
He said he still wanted to be married, kids, etc. I said when people say they want those things, they work towards it. I then asked him what were his priorities. He said "aside from trying to figure out how to pay everything, nothing."
I was shocked. He couldn't even say his daughter.
That's why he never showed up Thursday to see her like he said he would. And that's why he didn't call til almost 9pm Friday night to get her when he said it would be sooner. And that's why instead of 10amSaturday like he said he would, he didn't show up til almost 1.30pm because he said he overslept.
He doesn't have his priorities in order at all except to pay for things. And that's no kind of priority.
I'd been doing well with not calling him for a few weeks, or texting much or even first. He said I was pushing him away and removing myself. I said that it was what he asked for. Space. Time. So I stepped away. It's not like I ignored him completely. He said he reaches out to me, comes to me. I'm the only one he hugs the way he does. But he said "You'll always be in my life." and he doesn't get I don't want that role ..I don't want to be JUST the mother of his child. I want more. I know it and he does.
So here I was thinking I did what he asked, and I was wrong again.
I really wanted to say "Why would I call...what would I say? Except that I love you, I miss you and I want to be with you. We don't have anything else left!!"..but again. NO pressure.
I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be the ex, the mother of your child that you're on 'great terms with'. That's why I won't call..or text and be all friendly.
I don't want to be around at all if he's dating or being with other women. Which he says he doesn't want to. He said it's a 'complication he can do without'.
Yesterday I called to see if he was able to sleep, he was tired while we were there but refused to let me leave early. ..and I liked that. I liked being wanted. Needed. "No, stay with me, sleep with me, I don't want you to go."...those words felt right.
He said he was about to go into a conference call and would call me back after - and he did. He said he wanted my opinion about a coffee maker or tea-kettle. I said he should go based on his preference. On what he would use. He was leaning towards coffee-maker and I said ok. But he said "But what if you come over, I can make you tea." ....
I told him that he doesn't make tea for himself. And as great as the coffee maker sounded, he'd never use it. - And he wouldn't set the timer on the coffee maker, as appealing as he thought it was.
Then I told him that depending on the type, he'd have to get ground coffee, and filters and it would require maintenance - which he's far too lazy for.
And also he didn't have the money to spend. Then he realized, he didn't have a travel cup either.
So I said "Go with the kettle, two birds, one stone. You have instant coffee and you can make tea if you want. AND you can afford your cup too."
He said I was right.
But it's things like that - those words, those ..misleading thoughts that confuse me.
He includes me a little in his thoughts. Small ones.
Not big ones, not important ones.
We got off the phone and then I realized I hadn't said why I called. So I just texted it. "I initially called to hear your voice and tell you I love you." and put my phone on vibrate so I wouldn't be waiting on a response. But he did. He said "Yay." ..it made him "a little happy." <-- his words.
I prayed for Chris years ago. For him to be in my life and he was given.
And then taken away. And years later, returned. There has to be a greater reason why. And not just him, but a child by him.
I loved him so much.
I still love him so much and all I want is to have him back. With us in a greater, stronger and more reliable bond.
Not because I want it, but because we want it.
Give him the strength to want to work on us.
To want him to provide for his family.
To want to plan Sunday barbeque's instead of weekend bar binges.
To want to sleep in and have breakfast in bed instead of nursing a hangover.
To want to plan a movie night instead of losing yourself in a game for hours on the PC.
I want a life. I want a family. I want soccer practice and cheer leading ..stuff.
I don't want it perfect.
But I want it real, I want it fun.
I want Thursday night rum and cokes outside while idly talking about our next vacation.
Or planning another baby.
Planning our next move. Car purchase. A new hobby. A new trip.
I want other women to catch a glimpse of him and then me at his side ...just so I can smile with my eyes and say "Yeah...He's mine.." and I want him to feel the same about me.
I pray for him to ...want to share those things with me.
Please, let me be worth the risk to him, the fight to him...
.."I'm so in love with you."
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