It's after 5am, and I find myself ..staring a lot. I've conditioned myself to get into bed by 9.30pm on the nights I have to work at 4am the next morning. And when I sit and think about it, it's like, "What kind of life is this?" I work so much to be with my daughter that I'm never WITH my daughter. I haven't spent the night with her since last Friday. Saturday she was with her father, Sunday-today she's been with my parents. I go to see her every day ..regardless of how tired I am or how I feel.
And she misses me, and I miss her.
But I can't take her back with me because of the early hour schedule the next morning.
And then when I work in the morning, I go home, and I try to sleep. So that I can go BACK to work at night. Sometimes she's with me. And if I have to work the following morning, she goes right back to my parents after work ...
It's a routine I've come to detest but appreciate simply because no one else would do that for me. Schedule their work around mine.
I make no kind of money. But I work all the time.
I thank God so much for the extra effort my family gives to my daughter and I.
I thank God for the extra hours I get during the week. Because I need it to make ends meet. I don't even live paycheck to paycheck because it's not enough. I've calculated my bills, rent, I didn't even count food or gas. It's not enough.
So with every phone call asking me to work, I say yes and I say thank you. Because that small amount of time will give me an extra 10$-20$ on an insufficient paycheck. I now walk around with a writing pad and a pen or pencil. I write almost every day while I'm sitting here with nothing but my thoughts on my mind ..my voice screaming in my head.
I ask God for strength, patience, and guidance.
I admit, I ask him to bring me Chris more than I can bear to say...
But I try to leave that as a "..if you can swing it"..
I'd love to come into some money. Maybe fix my credit a little. It's not bad, I don't have oodles of debt...but perhaps because of my not working for the two and a half years after I had Jaiden affected it. My bills were almost always paid on time. The few that weren't was because of Chris. Maybe if I last til March, I can move and look into renting a house with 2 bedrooms. A lot of the postings I view, have no utilties included. Which sucks. Paying for heat and water is new to me. I don't want to. I don't mind paying for lights, cable/internet. Don't need a phone. I've been looking for ways to cut costs at every angle without it breaking me in the end.
My parents, since I paid their IRS this past April, have been paying me back weekly from their paycheck. Mainly my dad. So I've been able to set aside that money incase I have to use it to pay the rent one month. I need a new plan of action once my lease is up. But I'll get that after winter. If I can make it through winter, I'll be alright. Winter at 4am...frightening. Digging myself out of snow, or having to wake up 30 minutes sooner to defrost my car. All the layers. It's discouraging when you think about it. And the days that my daughter can't stay over night with them? 10xs worse on us both. Bundling her up in that weather. ..
I can't think about that now.
But as long as I can do it, I'll do it. I pray for the strength to do it. And it's only September.
-__-......I'll fall apart.
Almost 6am. 3 more hours before I can go home and pack some stuff for my daughter so I can take her to work with me tonight. And finally have a night with her. That is unless they ask me to work in the morning.
It's a complaint in itself. Want money, get work, can't see kid.
Last night, around 10.30pm, Chris' friend Billy, called me to see how I was. Since the break up he's managed to check ip on me maybe once every week if it's via text or phone call. Last night we talked for about 15 minutes before his phone died. He was at work. I was tired but grateful for his reaching out to me. I was just falling asleep when he called me back around 11.30pm. We talked for another 25 minutes or so before he said he'd let me get some sleep.
I just notices that it's bad that I can no longer get out any poetry ...
Not even a stanza or two. It doesn't cross my mind much at all.
Maybe my brain figures it's got enough thoughts and I write it all out that it doesn't need the poetry amidst the mess. Maybe my heart just has nothing to say because I've said most if not all of it.
I'd resorted to deleting Chris' name from my phone as well. Most of the pictures were removed but not deleted. Just taken off the phone.
Still the same ringtone and text tone to know if it's him.
It came to my attention too that he left some of his clothes at my apartment, not that it's bothering me. But it's there. And in the closet. He took a lot of his anime DVDs and work DVDs. I assume as the weather changes, he'll be back for the clothes. The coats and stuff. Unless mommy dearest buys him all new ones.
I can't get his face out of my head. It's like everything he does, or anything anyone does, reminds me of him. It's like mourning a person who's died. It all hurts. Not exactly replacing but moving forward.
And the painful part of it all is that he seems so unaffected.
I've said it a million times before and I'll probably say it a million times more, but I feel he does love me. He's just afraid. Afraid of what his mother and sister will thing, afraid of commiting to one person. Actually buckling down and deciding on life, on a future rather than winging it daily, all willy nilly. He's afraid to grow up and take charge because then he has to take responsibility.
He didn't want a child yet. I didn't want children, period. But here she is, 3 years later.
Life changes and things happen.
It's how you deal with it at the end of the day that matters.
Why live for someone who's already lived their life? I don't live for my parents. I live for my kid. For Chris. For me. For us. Or I should say 'lived'.
I live for my self, daughter and my love.
I wish he would do the same.
Dear God - thank you for giving me the strength to work another day to try to survive. To give my daughter all she deserves, and more. To hope she doesn't learn that this is how a man treats a woman. And to learn that she can be strong ..if not stronger than I.
I hope, I pray that NO man does to her what her father has to me. Because it's not fair. I hope she is stronger than I to prevail a whole lot better than me. Because I'm stuck. I'm really stuck on one person's unfair idea of love. And family.
I hope that one day you see that we aren't just living to survive but living to enjoy. Til then, I pray for me, my family, my daughter, and I pray that Chris' eyes open to the love he has in me. And chooses to come back for us. And chooses to work 10xs harder to keep us.
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