No regret..

...or maybe there was. Yesterday was a stir of emotions. I'd been simply bombarded with work this past week and now that my schedule has changed, I at least get Sundays off, now. But I'll be working a longer day on Saturdays. Chris and I hadn't spoken much since Monday. And I was upset.
We'd seen each other on Sunday and I guess that was enough for him. By Friday I just texted and a depted conversation started. Heated at times. I know he's not doing what he's been saying he is. I know he's going on though he claims he doesn't. I know he talks to other women, other people, regardless of the "I have no friends, I don't go anywhere" deal he spews.
So I decided to write him a letter.
It didn't say much but I wrote a lot. I always hand write my letters to him. It's personal. Private like that. I let him know I was sorry we never communicated. We never talked, and we never listened. I let him know that he has faults when it comes to other women. He can't say "no" or be honest, so they are misled or if he tells them one thing when in fact it's another. It's a lie anyway you look at it. When you spend hours talking to a woman at all hours of the night, she thinks it's a sign of interest. When he goes around telling people he's a newly single dad, rebuilding and he's just left his ex and is trying to start a new life, he's saying just that, not saying that we are trying to work through things. It's misleading. He's not saying that he's sorting out his feelings for me. He's not saying he misses me. He's not saying we still sleep together. Why would he, right? But that's the truth. And that's what he doesn't get.
I said I loved him, it was so easy. Falling out of love with him would be devastatingly hard, but if I had to, I would try. I then printed a fragment of one of my recent entries.

"I still love him so much and all I want is to have him back. With us in a greater, stronger and more reliable bond.
Not because I want it, but because we want it.
Give him the strength to want to work on us.
To want him to provide for his family.
To want to plan Sunday barbeque's instead of weekend bar binges.
To want to sleep in and have breakfast in bed instead of nursing a hangover.
To want to plan a movie night instead of losing yourself in a game for hours on the PC.
I want a life. I want a family. I want soccer practice and cheer leading ..stuff.
I don't want it perfect.
But I want it real, I want it fun.
I want Thursday night rum and cokes outside while idly talking about our next vacation.
Or planning another baby.
Planning our next move. Car purchase. A new hobby. A new trip.
I want other women to catch a glimpse of him and then me at his side ...just so I can smile with my eyes and say "Yeah...He's mine.." and I want him to feel the same about me.

I pray for him to ...want to share those things with me.
Please, let me be worth the risk to him, the fight to him..."

I taped it into my letter...
So he would see. So he would understand. I said I was sorry I sound brutally honest when I speak to him but my words are not an attack. Never intended to be nor would I want to hurt him. I was sorry for other things that honestly escape me right now as it's almost 6am.
I just needed him to know that whatever was done, was done out of love. With adoration.
I believe in the truth. I believe in knowing the truth regardless of the hurt. Because the hurt will go away but I won't be left with a lie.
I sealed it and left the letter on my desk. That was before I knew he was coming over ...
I didn't even know if I wanted to give it to him.

After he said he wanted to go food shopping on Saturday and then switched it to Sunday, I let it go. I didn't care enough, after some begging of my soul, to text him on Saturday.
Sunday came about and it was the same. It wasn't until after 6pm that Jaiden, who'd been asking to go to her father's for the past day or 2, said she wanted me to call him. She insisted we go to him. That he come here. That we bring him. That she be with him.
When I called, there was no reply.
I let her know we'll try again later on.
He returned the call shortly after.
He sounded so...not all there. She refused to talk to him.
I asked if he was ok. He said yes. I asked what he was doing. He said nothing.
I said that he could always call if he wanted to do something.
He sounded strangely small, burdened by thought.

I asked if he wanted to come over. He said "Maybe." I said Maybe wasn't a yes or no.
He said yes. Said he'd be there in 30 minutes or so.
And he was good on it. 45 minutes later he was there.
His intent was to go food shopping from near my apartment and take it home.

The time seemed to just flutter away. Between him playing with Jaiden and again, wanting to be with me...
I had gone out to get Jaiden something to eat before he'd arrived but I made sure to get him something too as I was sure he'd not eaten.
Once he arrived, I fed him and let him spend time with Jaiden who was only growing upset every moment he didn't pay attention to her or was fixated on me.

She knows. She voices that she feels 'left out'. She doesn't understand ..but she does.
She just doesn't know how to ...react.
She never sees her father and when she does, she's sad that he turns his attention to me. To hug or kiss me, or to even hold my hand. She intervenes when we find ourselves in a quiet embrace. Not to break us apart but to get in on it. Be included.
As the time drew late, I explained to him that I had to take her to my parents soon. If he would be willing to go food shopping tomorrow night since I don't work Tuesday morning, I'll be able to have her with me Monday night and not worry about waking up soon or having her somewhere.
He obliged.
By then we were testing wet waters already.
His fleeting kisses to my neck, my ear, his constant hand on my butt.
8pm came quick and I had to take her. He said he wouldn't leave. So I dropped her off down the street and returned. He was still there, playing with the TV. I asked him to sit, watch a movie with me. We turned on Breaking Dawn Part 1. A few months back, we stayed up til after 6am watching the others ..
I just sat near him, wrapped his arm around mine and sank into his side like he still belonged to me.
What seemed like minutes were longer than, but the kisses didn't stop. They lingered hungrily. I tried twice to prolong what seemed to be the inevitable. But there was something different in the way he looked at me. His eyes...his stare. He said it was him taking the view in. Me. But it was something more. I don't know what it was, still. But it was something else. Something different. My mind has a tendency to expect the worst
..After many playful "no"s..
....I couldn't say no any more.
We were so wrapped up in each other after maybe an hour or so that we just fell into each other. "I love you very much.." ..I leaned into him and barely whispered it. He hugged me and said "I know you do honey, I know you do.."
Then I did the girly thing by, when we were done, I asked ..
"Was this just loneliness?"
He said "No."
"Things will get better right?"
He said "I hope so."
"Do you want it to get better..?"
He said "..yes.." but very quietly. "Less thinking, more holding.."
And I couldn't help it..I cried quietly into his cheek and my pillow as he held me..
No sobs, no sound. Just silent tears welling up onto my closed eyelid.

He rewinded the end of the movie for me to see and then, with another soft, but long, tight hug, a kiss to my head, he made for the door. Then asked me to walk him to the door, which I was doing.
He held the door open, and asked for "the doorway hug"...I don't know what it meant. But we embraced in the doorway. And as he let go..I..retrieved the letter and asked him not to read it yet. He popped it open.
But didn't look into it.
He said it felt like a lot. I said it may be. Hand written like they all are.
I said it wasn't bad.
And as he whispered goodbye, he shut the door and disappeared. I didn't see him leave. But I needed to sleep. I'd only get 4 hours or less but it was better than nothing.

It breaks my heart that he won't say he loves me too..
But I keep praying for him to come back to me.
Want us enough to ...try. Really try.
I don't understand men. As simple as they are I'm clouded by my emotions so often that..I just don't see.
I try, I do...but..
I know I'm asking for too much. Or am I?

In hindsight and baring all honest words, we both knew this was coming the moment 8pm came and he wasn't going to the supermarket. We both wanted to be in each other's arms. And what I really wanted was to stop it before it went there. As many times as I brushed his hand away, or asked him not to kiss my ear, or my neck...I couldn't. I couldn't say no to the man I love. I tried. I wanted to say "I can't...I need to give you space, and a clear mind to want me. Be with me. Love me. Not only on this level but all the others too." but words like that complicate things. Can't complicate something already complicated, right? But those would have been the truth. I didn't want to feel used again. I didn't want to be hurt again. I didn't want to be ignored for days again.