..a day to just sit and think, sit and wonder. Sit and not cry. As many moments struck me today I did what I had to do to carry forward. Woke up, went grocery shopping after 3 months, took my mom and my daughter to lunch and now I'm at home while my daughter's with my parents til 9am in the morning. My life..is in shambles.
I hate this. This longing without having. This wanting and needing without reason.
He called me last night at 1am. His voice, I miss it so. And at the conversation's end he left me with "Sweet Dreams Honey."...
Marred my mind as I drifted back off into my familiar lull where I never remember my dreams.
Today he wanted Jaiden for a few hours but it would put me out to say yes then to take her from my parents, have her go with him and then take her back tonight. He isn't worth all that trouble. So I said no and asked if tomorrow was better. I'm off tomorrow night and I don't work Thursday morning. I'm growing weary of saying yes. Of bending my plans to accommodate him. I'm going to try to not do it anymore. Because he doesn't give me the same respect. He doesn't give me a second thought, a chance. He doesn't give me anything.
Except hopes and empty dreams. He gives me a hole I can't fill with anything because it's not enough to.
Everything everyone says, and has been saying is true. I have to stop letting him in. Because if I open the door every time he knocks, he won't want to be with me. I'm convenient enough for him to come and go.
He's free to walk away with no responsibility to me.
To my wants, needs and hopes or dreams. He has and will continue to leave me vacant with every revisit.
I love you. I love you so much that I have to leave.
"Try to tell you no but my body keeps telling me yes.."
I'm afraid to push, to push and turn because then he'd turn away too. And it's the fact that we both walk away instead of him stopping me, him reaching, him coming after me that's killing me. I'm afraid the realization that ...he..doesn't love me enough to come.
I guess I won't know til I know, right?
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