I think..

...I think I was propositioned on Monday.
I had just gotten home from work and I was texting someone who I thought was a friend. Turns out it was the wrong person. But they had no idea who I was. So I deduced it was possibly someone with the old number of someone I knew. I apologized and said it was an accident all together.
But then I said "Unless this is Jay." And it was........o_O...well shit.
I haven't spoken to or about Jay in months but he can be remembered as that Dream that never happened. We had a few dates eons ago and now he's semi-happily married with a family.
We talked from 11.30 til I was ready for work and driving. My phone was beeping as his texts just poured.
We talked about myself and my lack of a relationship with Chris and his with his wife.
He even suggested him setting me up with a friend of his, which I kindly declined. I said that I was in no way shape or form ready to be with anyone. I didn't want anyone but Chris. I won't. I will not. I'll stay alone. I don't want to have anyone else near me, touch me, kiss me...of course I didn't say all this.
I just said that it was nice of him to think of me that way but I wasn't ready. My heart won't accept any one else.
Then it began. His ...affection towards me came pouring out.
The years we knew each other, the fact he wasn't ready for a relationship ..I was a virgin. Etc.
He said he'd be jealous if in fact I did meet and hit it off with his friend. But he'd suck it up for me to be happy, if I was. The whole "What if they got married.." deal rolling around in his head.
He said I was his "What if" in life. The one question mark that lingers. He said he had no others in life. No wonders. No regrets. Just me. "What if we.."
He said I was a perfect match for everything he wanted. Physically and personality - wise. And truth be told, he fit me better than Chris.
Don't get me wrong. Chris is my world. I see nothing and no one but him.
I love his kiss, his touch, his embrace. His blue eyes, I love everything about him. Even the way he snores.

But with Jay. Jay was physically everything I like. Tall, fair, light hair, gorgeous eyes, great smile. BUT his personality ...so ...dominant. Yet he was very easy going. Relaxed. But there was a fire in him, it was almost frightening. Dangerous. I think it's because I knew he was a Marine and spent time in combat. Because he was somewhat of a 'bad boy' who had a crappy upbringing. A father that wasn't around and he lost his older brother at an early age in a shooting, I think ..
He said when we had our dates, or when we were together, he never felt such passionate feelings before, or after. I explained that being with him was just soon after I'd decided I was tired of being alone and wanted to date. Wanted to be with someone. I was still very new to it all. Nervous. He said my initial projection was hard ass. He was right. I had walls up higher and stronger than the Wall of China.
I was scared, and I had this hard outter exterior projection ... I didn't want to get hurt. But with him...I loved how I put it too, to him. I said with him he was ..shy, and quiet but I knew he was a very dominant person. "I'm usually the dominant personality in most dynamics. But with you I was a kitten trying to be a wolf. "...
And it was true. He would calmly unarm me. He's one of those guy you instantly felt safe having around if he was with you and he was one of those people you had to watch if he wasn't with you.

One of the things that made my jaw hang was when he said his wife knew he had the hots for me. I'm exactly his type. Hello!! Imagine how that woman feels. I felt like crap. >.<

Throughout the conversation I got myself ready and Jaiden too and drove to work. What I found waiting for me was mind boggling. He said he wanted me. Has wanted me for a long time. And while he was married it wasn't stopping him, he knew my respect for that was what kept me at bay. He said he never chases girls. He avoids them. But we have always had such a strong connection, such a great honesty between us that he couldn't not tell me how he felt. Has been feeling. He said he needed to know, he was a big boy and he could take it. He asked me to tell him no. He said he knew a physical relationship isn't something I wanted but if it was, he'd want to be the one. He just wanted to know if he ever had a chance.

...it took me hours to even respond. And eventually did. The next day. Lol.
I said I respected him and his wife and their marriage and would never do anything to alter that for a past we shared and a present that we have. I do not and will not want a physical relationship with anyone. It's deeper and more commited in my eyes. I am jealous. I am territorial. I want to know what is mine is just that. Mine. No one else. I said I like the level of attraction we have. It's safe. We haven't seen each other in years and it should stay so. I have always liked him a lot. If he wasn't married, if there was no Chris, he would be someone I would without a doubt consider.
I guess I hit a nerve when I shot him down and bruised his ego a tad because we didn't talk much after I let him know how I felt. How things stood. So much for being a big boy, right?
But I didn't let it bother me.
Because as I told my friend, if another female was talking to Chris the way he spoke to me, or even I to him. I'd lose it. I don't want to share. I don't want to think of Chris being with someone else. Or him wanting someone else. Or entertaining ideas of another.
But Jay, a married man, put it into perspective. He considered having a physical affair. A great guy like him, was unhappy enough to want to look outside his vows.
I did ask if it was just a physical attraction he had. He said no. It was more. Well more.

I have a great amount of respect for Jay but having him do that to me, while flattering, cheapened who he was as a man to me. His idea of the sacred bond that his marriage should be.
I told him I'd never make my partner feel less than loved. I was a romantic at heart. I chase like a man. Flowers, love letters, I sacrifice distance and time. And once I have them, I go the 9 yards, dinner, movie nights, dancing, music, candles.
IF I AM given the OPPORTUNITY!!

I know how to surprise a person and make them feel wonderful.
My first year's anniversary with Chris was going to be magical. I had a comped (and that was hard to get) room at Atlantic City's Borgata Casino and Hotel. Now this was 4 years ago and the hotel was a lot newer too. I got FREE champagne in the room, I got a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to him on arrival at check in. The only thing I would have to pay for and it wasn't even going to be full price, was dinner. You know what he did? Caused a fight and ruined the night. We never went. To this day I don't know what happened.
I got free tickets to see Velvet Revolver, he didn't want to go.
Free tickets to see BMX bikes/tricking. He didn't want to go.
..
Maybe it was me he didn't want to go with. I don't know. We've gone to concerts together. But he's done that with tons of people. It's something that he enjoys.
I wanted to see Hoobastank this year. Offspring, Linkin Park, Incubus. All bands I love. But we were already broken up. Korn. Marilyn Manson. I wanted to get him tickets to Korn and Disturbed in January. But he didn't want to go. Mosh pits scare me but I would have gone. I went when we went to see Sevendust. LOVED that we got to see Saliva.

After I had Jaiden, I took him on a date to a very classy restaurant. ME. I've had him meet me at places for drinks, dinner, just to get out of the house...
Even learned how to make some of his favorite dishes.
I've bought roses for him for no reason, cards, random notes, just because. Provocative text messages which went ignored. I tried.
He never gave me a chance.
I digress.

I know how to treat someone I love.
I chase what I want. What I know I can get ...and I told Jay he was unattainable. I could never have him. And because I knew that I'd never pursue him.
I'm not perfect.
But I am such a good and deserving soul ..and this..all these years I've wasted on 2 men who just...didn't appreciate who or what they had in me.
Well, 1. Because Mike is still chasing me.
Chris knew and knows what a wonderful person I am, and he says becase of all the crap he knows he put me through, that's why he left. He removed himself. Because he was the problem.

It's not been fair, my love life.
And it's not even a long list to consider.
But I will only ever consider Jay WAY after Chris. Chris is my focus. Even if I have to stay away.