They say

..that writing, venting, talking, getting all the feelings and words out helps. Does it really? Because it's been weeks of writing the same things over and over again - weeks of spinning my wheels waiting and not waiting. Of hurting and being sad, and angry and sad and angry and sad...and angry. Rejected and hurt. It's such a faithful and fucked up cycle.

When I don't think about him, I'm semi-ok. It's only because I'm so damn tired I have to focus on being tired. When I think about him I want to blow my brains out because of how shitty this situation, this life is.
He says he's torn by his decision. WHAT the fuck. HOW can you be torn by something you did. And the worse part is, I don't say anything. NO, I sit there and nod my head like some idiot because it's all I can do to not make him feel like shit for whatever the hell it is he THINKS he's doing.

I have to not make any conversation about us, can't make it confrontational at all.
I just...I'm so weary of this..constant repeat. This episode ends right?
There's a new DVD in here some where.
There HAS to be. Because this can't just be it.
I saw him..Wednesday night. He texted earlier in the day asking if we were home. I said yes but we were both under the weather. Jaiden and I had caught a cold, runny nose, sore throat type deal. I asked why. He said he wanted to go food shopping (a week later from the original date).
A while later, he texted and said "Gonna stop by in a little while. "..he was at his parents for what he called "getting a free dinner.."
In my head I was like..."Did he just invite himself over here?" and it sounded like it. When he arrived he said he wanted to go food shopping. Asked if we were up to it. Said he wouldn't get a lot of things. So I obliged him. And the three of us walked over to Pathmark (yep that same place that had the shooting about 3 weeks ago, that's how close we were and he nor his family never called to see if we were OK.)
He looked to me to help him as we cascaded through the aisles slowly. I asked what he budget was and what he needed. He said "Food." so...I know he wasn't cooking on his own ..and the only thing he wanted was something out of his price range. So I got him to get some frozen dinners that he'd like, some hot dogs, mustard, ketchup, he got 4 boxes of cereal (even though he said he couldn't live on cereal and pop tarts) ..he got cookies, said he had eggs, he got shampoo, bread. and that was that. He had no coupons, didn't even bother to use the card for shopping.
When I took over at the check out counter, the end result of what looked like just close to 100$ turned into just under 60$. Why? Because everything that he picked up was on sale and when I scanned my card, it took off well over 40$ off the bill in savings. I even got bath tissue that was on sale PLUS had an extra dollar coupon on it. WHICH neither him nor the cashier saw. When I reminded him they both were in awe. Yeah..regular 12.99 on sale for 6.99 with another dollar off. You just can't go wrong.
We walked back and he put his things in the car and said he would hang out a while longer.
We talked about his family.
About his father losing his job by the year's end, about them possibly or what seemed to be most likely if in fact he was being unemployed, moving to Florida. About his sister being a leech, about how if they can't be GIVEN a house in Florida too, then their parents are selfish enough to move at all.
I just...I shut up. I had to. I even said it out loud. I shut up.

And then I asked if he read my letter - he said he did. He sat in the car which was still parked here that night and read it. About 20-30 minutes he said. It made him tear up. I'm vulnerable to his emotions when he shows it. He said he wanted to come back and tell me that he thinks about us every morning and every night when he's outside smoking. If we're awake.

I asked if he understood what I was saying about him and other women. He said he did because it's true. And at the end of the conversation as he was walking out the door I told him "Just because I don't call or text doesn't mean I'm removing myself. It's because I'm giving you the space you asked for, and allowing you the room to find incentive."
He said "Incentive? For what?
I said "That's up to you.."

And that was the last time I'd heard from him.
2 days later now and last night all I wanted to do was talk to him. Hear him.
It's always the same process.

Today he takes Jaiden for his weekend. I won't see her til Sunday for a moment then she's gone to my parents til Monday. That means I won't see or hear from him til Sunday. And then the process starts ALL over again after I pick her up.
I want to say I wish he didn't mean so much to me. How he feels. What he does. Who he's with. I want to say I wish I didn't care. But I do. Because I want none of it to matter. I want me to matter to him. And I want us to matter to him. I could say how much I wish I didn't care but it's all I do. I care so much it's sickening. It's heart breaking and gut wrenching, all in the same breath.

I feel like every day I don't contact him is another day he forgets and drifts further away from me and from us. From mattering. Maybe it is. Maybe it's not.
In about 3 and a half weeks, it would have been 5 years of us together. 5 years.
Of "What if"
Of "Maybe"
Of  "I don't know"

They say getting your feelings out helps. It makes the only voice you hear almost tolerable. They say that it clarifies things and puts it into perspective. They say it's supposed to make you feel better. But in all honesty, I never feel any better when I ramble like this, it's the same "Whine whine whine, emotion emotion, emotion, blah blah blah.." and sometimes it makes me even sicker. How can I be so pathetically in love with someone who couldn't give two shits. They say time heals all wounds. They say everything will work itself out. They say this too shall come to pass. They say everything will be ok.
They....were wrong.