Square one..ol' familiar

...square one.
The weather yesterday made the day even more unbearable. Wind, rain. Just all around gloom without the thunder and lightning. He texted with wanting Jaiden. I denied him as I said. But then the conversation continued. I kept my replies short. He said he was going to bed for about an hour. This is just before 5pm. I hadn't heard from him since.
But he let me know that he burnt eggs last night. Because he didn't add oil. I just laughed.
I hate this. This acting like I don't care when that's all I do. I care so much this is unfair. Pretending. I hate pretending. I hate fakeness. I hate lying.
I never asked if he read the letter I gave him on Monday. I had hoped he would bring it up but ...knowing him and his lack of confrontation about anything important, he won't. Not til there's a fight or something. But I was back to dying to talk to him, to call or to text. Just like I was 3 months ago.
I was back to wanting so much I couldn't focus on anything.
Back to hoping and praying so hard, and so...hopelessly.
I tried to clean up, I opened a beer, played some music loud, some songs on a stream on repeat. And just sank into my pathetic loneliness. I got half of what I wanted to get done, done. I wrote down a few words on a piece of paper after I'd cleaned and vacuumed a little, and lit a candle. And just let it burn until I was ready for bed.

In hindsight, at times, I think I set myself back all this time by being too available to him. I might still be guilty of it without knowing or seeing it. If I had just shut him out like I was supposed to when this all began, maybe I'd be in a better place. And maybe pigs would fly.
I put myself here. BUT I tried. And I was wrong. He said I was removing myself. That my feeling of being alone and rejected was my fault because I don't call him or I don't talk to him. SMH...
But the reality of it is...the blame's not mine to carry.
Regardless of how bad I feel. This wasn't my doing. Half the time I feel like a grown up version of my daughter, wanted and vying for the love and attention of someone who isn't there. Someone who doesn't care. Not enough to call, to see if anything is needed. Nothing.

I swear, if someone were to read my blog and analyze my thoughts they'd say I was crazy, obsessive and delusional.
Loving a man who clearly has me and his child at the bottom of his list.
Hell, we might not even be on the list - unimportant enough to not be any kind of priority.

...I hate this and I just want him back.