Dear ..someone

...anyone out there. Maybe I mean you, God. Maybe I mean me. Maybe I mean both of us. I'm sad. I'm not sad because I have no money. I'm not sad about anything except that I'm sad. All my life, I played by the rules. I never lie. I never cheat. I don't steal. I give. Overly so. I give til I have nothing else to give.
I'm sad I always played fair. And one of the few things I wanted in life, I couldn't have.
I wanted my car. I have it.
Wanted my own place. Have it.
Wanted a job. My child. Have it.
Wanted his love. I don't have it.
And everything that goes with having his love.

I know it's not me. I'm not the reason he's gone. I know he needs space. I know it takes time.
But the more time that goes by, the less I reach, the less I do and say, he drifts further and further away.
No phone calls. No texts. Well none of concern or longing ...
But now he has his own place. His own apartment.
I started taking his pictures down. I removed him from my phone. But I haven't stopped crying every single day.
I'm a hermit. I go out to work and lay in bed 80% of the time that I'm home. I'm a withdrawn mother. And I hate myself.
I go to work at 430am and come back tired and cranky. And I go back at 3-9 give or take a 30 minutes here or there.
Why ...
Half the time I'm alone I wish I was dead. I wish Jaiden and I weren't here. I wish we'd lay in bed, close our eyes and not wake up. And that's selfish. Because no mother should feel that way. But he doesn't deserve her.

Dear god. I'm losing myself. The harder i try the worse it gets. All my efforts are for naught. Please help me. Somehow ... I can't keep going in like this. I cry all the time. I hate this life. I hate this pain. I hate the person I am. My daughter deserves so much more. I don't even care about me anymore. I just....

Why...did you bring hi back just totals him away again? I don't understand. If he's not for me, why'd he come back a second time. I let go the first time. And even that break up didn't hurt.

And him!! 5 years later and he's still in love with me.
He wants me back. He said if he leaves his girlfriend now, due to their own issues, he'd like to know he has a friend in me. But if there were feelings, we'd be ring shopping. Giving Jaiden another sibling.
But.....I don't want him. I don't love him or want marriage or kids with him. He loves Jaiden so much.
I told him I don't want to waste my years on no decision. I need someone who can lead. Take charge. Amongst other things. He said he didn't want to live with anyone til he was married. Til it had a label. He didn't mind being label-less. I said I needed the label. I spent 5 years in limbo with no label. He was quick to say "with you it's friends or we are ring shopping".
I admire his inadvertent trying.
But it'll never happen. I'll stay alone. He's so sweet. But. No.

I just wish I understood why I got 2 chances with Chris. He was all I wanted. And I was ok losing him once. I was ok being his friend. Watching him with other girls. Why give me his love, his child, to just....watch it go and have my heart shatter.