..it truly does.
I really need to let go of this man. And just hide away. I can't being that we share a child but I wish he would eject himself from life.
Our life.
He asked if I wanted to go pumpkin picking last Friday.
I didn't really answer and he seems awkward lately.
Different. Distant. So I won't be reminding him nor will I make myself available otherwise. (we know I will be a moron and answer his call/text) but wishful thinking is nice, right?
Since I told my parents they can't just DROP by anymore, they need to call first, my dad's been avoiding me. He doesn't call or seems distracted.
My brother keeps pissing me off further so I keep making him leave when he starts his usual drama and has his hissy fits.
Just because I tell you you can't just drop by makes you feel you aren't welcome? Not my fault. I'm 30. I have my own life. I want my own space. That's why I left. Just because you were 'there' all the time doesn't mean I want you up my ass all the time. It's uncomfortable TO ME.
Now I see how Chris sees it.
And just because I tell you I don't want you present when Chris drops Jaiden off - if that equates me kicking you out, FINE. I'll kick you out. But it's my place. Respect my rules. You can take my asking you to not be present any which way you like. Don't care anymore. Your thought process is so twisted and caveman-ish. I hate it. YES some of your ideas are fine, but not all.
So I don't care if you don't agree with what I'm asking. NOR will I agree to everything you're saying.
My life. My house. My rules.
You don't need to come over.
You don't need to be around.
I'm so sick of everyone taking offense to how I live my life and the privacy I ask for. After March I just want to disappear from New Jersey. Seriously.
And my mom seems to think Chris and I are so messed up ...Neither of us will say we want to be together and neither of us will let go.
Or rather, he won't be a man and SPEAK up and I won't ..let go.
But you know what? I've said all I can. I've done all I could. She thinks he's waiting on me to beg for him back.
But he doesn't want me.
He's happy being single.
He's happy in his own space.
He wants the single life, not a family life. He's not a family man. He has no priorities. No dreams. No ambition. Not for a family anyways.
So I quit.
Every time we disagree on something I go off and remind myself it's 4 months later and he still doesn't give a shit and he's all "No pressure, right?..yeah.." like wtf does that mean?
So when I stay away he's hurt. When I'm around, he's hurt.
I can't fucking win AT all.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
They say
..that writing, venting, talking, getting all the feelings and words out helps. Does it really? Because it's been weeks of writing the same things over and over again - weeks of spinning my wheels waiting and not waiting. Of hurting and being sad, and angry and sad and angry and sad...and angry. Rejected and hurt. It's such a faithful and fucked up cycle.
When I don't think about him, I'm semi-ok. It's only because I'm so damn tired I have to focus on being tired. When I think about him I want to blow my brains out because of how shitty this situation, this life is.
He says he's torn by his decision. WHAT the fuck. HOW can you be torn by something you did. And the worse part is, I don't say anything. NO, I sit there and nod my head like some idiot because it's all I can do to not make him feel like shit for whatever the hell it is he THINKS he's doing.
I have to not make any conversation about us, can't make it confrontational at all.
I just...I'm so weary of this..constant repeat. This episode ends right?
There's a new DVD in here some where.
There HAS to be. Because this can't just be it.
I saw him..Wednesday night. He texted earlier in the day asking if we were home. I said yes but we were both under the weather. Jaiden and I had caught a cold, runny nose, sore throat type deal. I asked why. He said he wanted to go food shopping (a week later from the original date).
A while later, he texted and said "Gonna stop by in a little while. "..he was at his parents for what he called "getting a free dinner.."
In my head I was like..."Did he just invite himself over here?" and it sounded like it. When he arrived he said he wanted to go food shopping. Asked if we were up to it. Said he wouldn't get a lot of things. So I obliged him. And the three of us walked over to Pathmark (yep that same place that had the shooting about 3 weeks ago, that's how close we were and he nor his family never called to see if we were OK.)
He looked to me to help him as we cascaded through the aisles slowly. I asked what he budget was and what he needed. He said "Food." so...I know he wasn't cooking on his own ..and the only thing he wanted was something out of his price range. So I got him to get some frozen dinners that he'd like, some hot dogs, mustard, ketchup, he got 4 boxes of cereal (even though he said he couldn't live on cereal and pop tarts) ..he got cookies, said he had eggs, he got shampoo, bread. and that was that. He had no coupons, didn't even bother to use the card for shopping.
When I took over at the check out counter, the end result of what looked like just close to 100$ turned into just under 60$. Why? Because everything that he picked up was on sale and when I scanned my card, it took off well over 40$ off the bill in savings. I even got bath tissue that was on sale PLUS had an extra dollar coupon on it. WHICH neither him nor the cashier saw. When I reminded him they both were in awe. Yeah..regular 12.99 on sale for 6.99 with another dollar off. You just can't go wrong.
We walked back and he put his things in the car and said he would hang out a while longer.
We talked about his family.
About his father losing his job by the year's end, about them possibly or what seemed to be most likely if in fact he was being unemployed, moving to Florida. About his sister being a leech, about how if they can't be GIVEN a house in Florida too, then their parents are selfish enough to move at all.
I just...I shut up. I had to. I even said it out loud. I shut up.
And then I asked if he read my letter - he said he did. He sat in the car which was still parked here that night and read it. About 20-30 minutes he said. It made him tear up. I'm vulnerable to his emotions when he shows it. He said he wanted to come back and tell me that he thinks about us every morning and every night when he's outside smoking. If we're awake.
I asked if he understood what I was saying about him and other women. He said he did because it's true. And at the end of the conversation as he was walking out the door I told him "Just because I don't call or text doesn't mean I'm removing myself. It's because I'm giving you the space you asked for, and allowing you the room to find incentive."
He said "Incentive? For what?
I said "That's up to you.."
And that was the last time I'd heard from him.
2 days later now and last night all I wanted to do was talk to him. Hear him.
It's always the same process.
Today he takes Jaiden for his weekend. I won't see her til Sunday for a moment then she's gone to my parents til Monday. That means I won't see or hear from him til Sunday. And then the process starts ALL over again after I pick her up.
I want to say I wish he didn't mean so much to me. How he feels. What he does. Who he's with. I want to say I wish I didn't care. But I do. Because I want none of it to matter. I want me to matter to him. And I want us to matter to him. I could say how much I wish I didn't care but it's all I do. I care so much it's sickening. It's heart breaking and gut wrenching, all in the same breath.
I feel like every day I don't contact him is another day he forgets and drifts further away from me and from us. From mattering. Maybe it is. Maybe it's not.
In about 3 and a half weeks, it would have been 5 years of us together. 5 years.
Of "What if"
Of "Maybe"
Of "I don't know"
They say getting your feelings out helps. It makes the only voice you hear almost tolerable. They say that it clarifies things and puts it into perspective. They say it's supposed to make you feel better. But in all honesty, I never feel any better when I ramble like this, it's the same "Whine whine whine, emotion emotion, emotion, blah blah blah.." and sometimes it makes me even sicker. How can I be so pathetically in love with someone who couldn't give two shits. They say time heals all wounds. They say everything will work itself out. They say this too shall come to pass. They say everything will be ok.
They....were wrong.
When I don't think about him, I'm semi-ok. It's only because I'm so damn tired I have to focus on being tired. When I think about him I want to blow my brains out because of how shitty this situation, this life is.
He says he's torn by his decision. WHAT the fuck. HOW can you be torn by something you did. And the worse part is, I don't say anything. NO, I sit there and nod my head like some idiot because it's all I can do to not make him feel like shit for whatever the hell it is he THINKS he's doing.
I have to not make any conversation about us, can't make it confrontational at all.
I just...I'm so weary of this..constant repeat. This episode ends right?
There's a new DVD in here some where.
There HAS to be. Because this can't just be it.
I saw him..Wednesday night. He texted earlier in the day asking if we were home. I said yes but we were both under the weather. Jaiden and I had caught a cold, runny nose, sore throat type deal. I asked why. He said he wanted to go food shopping (a week later from the original date).
A while later, he texted and said "Gonna stop by in a little while. "..he was at his parents for what he called "getting a free dinner.."
In my head I was like..."Did he just invite himself over here?" and it sounded like it. When he arrived he said he wanted to go food shopping. Asked if we were up to it. Said he wouldn't get a lot of things. So I obliged him. And the three of us walked over to Pathmark (yep that same place that had the shooting about 3 weeks ago, that's how close we were and he nor his family never called to see if we were OK.)
He looked to me to help him as we cascaded through the aisles slowly. I asked what he budget was and what he needed. He said "Food." so...I know he wasn't cooking on his own ..and the only thing he wanted was something out of his price range. So I got him to get some frozen dinners that he'd like, some hot dogs, mustard, ketchup, he got 4 boxes of cereal (even though he said he couldn't live on cereal and pop tarts) ..he got cookies, said he had eggs, he got shampoo, bread. and that was that. He had no coupons, didn't even bother to use the card for shopping.
When I took over at the check out counter, the end result of what looked like just close to 100$ turned into just under 60$. Why? Because everything that he picked up was on sale and when I scanned my card, it took off well over 40$ off the bill in savings. I even got bath tissue that was on sale PLUS had an extra dollar coupon on it. WHICH neither him nor the cashier saw. When I reminded him they both were in awe. Yeah..regular 12.99 on sale for 6.99 with another dollar off. You just can't go wrong.
We walked back and he put his things in the car and said he would hang out a while longer.
We talked about his family.
About his father losing his job by the year's end, about them possibly or what seemed to be most likely if in fact he was being unemployed, moving to Florida. About his sister being a leech, about how if they can't be GIVEN a house in Florida too, then their parents are selfish enough to move at all.
I just...I shut up. I had to. I even said it out loud. I shut up.
And then I asked if he read my letter - he said he did. He sat in the car which was still parked here that night and read it. About 20-30 minutes he said. It made him tear up. I'm vulnerable to his emotions when he shows it. He said he wanted to come back and tell me that he thinks about us every morning and every night when he's outside smoking. If we're awake.
I asked if he understood what I was saying about him and other women. He said he did because it's true. And at the end of the conversation as he was walking out the door I told him "Just because I don't call or text doesn't mean I'm removing myself. It's because I'm giving you the space you asked for, and allowing you the room to find incentive."
He said "Incentive? For what?
I said "That's up to you.."
And that was the last time I'd heard from him.
2 days later now and last night all I wanted to do was talk to him. Hear him.
It's always the same process.
Today he takes Jaiden for his weekend. I won't see her til Sunday for a moment then she's gone to my parents til Monday. That means I won't see or hear from him til Sunday. And then the process starts ALL over again after I pick her up.
I want to say I wish he didn't mean so much to me. How he feels. What he does. Who he's with. I want to say I wish I didn't care. But I do. Because I want none of it to matter. I want me to matter to him. And I want us to matter to him. I could say how much I wish I didn't care but it's all I do. I care so much it's sickening. It's heart breaking and gut wrenching, all in the same breath.
I feel like every day I don't contact him is another day he forgets and drifts further away from me and from us. From mattering. Maybe it is. Maybe it's not.
In about 3 and a half weeks, it would have been 5 years of us together. 5 years.
Of "What if"
Of "Maybe"
Of "I don't know"
They say getting your feelings out helps. It makes the only voice you hear almost tolerable. They say that it clarifies things and puts it into perspective. They say it's supposed to make you feel better. But in all honesty, I never feel any better when I ramble like this, it's the same "Whine whine whine, emotion emotion, emotion, blah blah blah.." and sometimes it makes me even sicker. How can I be so pathetically in love with someone who couldn't give two shits. They say time heals all wounds. They say everything will work itself out. They say this too shall come to pass. They say everything will be ok.
They....were wrong.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I think..
...I think I was propositioned on Monday.
I had just gotten home from work and I was texting someone who I thought was a friend. Turns out it was the wrong person. But they had no idea who I was. So I deduced it was possibly someone with the old number of someone I knew. I apologized and said it was an accident all together.
But then I said "Unless this is Jay." And it was........o_O...well shit.
I haven't spoken to or about Jay in months but he can be remembered as that Dream that never happened. We had a few dates eons ago and now he's semi-happily married with a family.
We talked from 11.30 til I was ready for work and driving. My phone was beeping as his texts just poured.
We talked about myself and my lack of a relationship with Chris and his with his wife.
He even suggested him setting me up with a friend of his, which I kindly declined. I said that I was in no way shape or form ready to be with anyone. I didn't want anyone but Chris. I won't. I will not. I'll stay alone. I don't want to have anyone else near me, touch me, kiss me...of course I didn't say all this.
I just said that it was nice of him to think of me that way but I wasn't ready. My heart won't accept any one else.
Then it began. His ...affection towards me came pouring out.
The years we knew each other, the fact he wasn't ready for a relationship ..I was a virgin. Etc.
He said he'd be jealous if in fact I did meet and hit it off with his friend. But he'd suck it up for me to be happy, if I was. The whole "What if they got married.." deal rolling around in his head.
He said I was his "What if" in life. The one question mark that lingers. He said he had no others in life. No wonders. No regrets. Just me. "What if we.."
He said I was a perfect match for everything he wanted. Physically and personality - wise. And truth be told, he fit me better than Chris.
Don't get me wrong. Chris is my world. I see nothing and no one but him.
I love his kiss, his touch, his embrace. His blue eyes, I love everything about him. Even the way he snores.
But with Jay. Jay was physically everything I like. Tall, fair, light hair, gorgeous eyes, great smile. BUT his personality ...so ...dominant. Yet he was very easy going. Relaxed. But there was a fire in him, it was almost frightening. Dangerous. I think it's because I knew he was a Marine and spent time in combat. Because he was somewhat of a 'bad boy' who had a crappy upbringing. A father that wasn't around and he lost his older brother at an early age in a shooting, I think ..
He said when we had our dates, or when we were together, he never felt such passionate feelings before, or after. I explained that being with him was just soon after I'd decided I was tired of being alone and wanted to date. Wanted to be with someone. I was still very new to it all. Nervous. He said my initial projection was hard ass. He was right. I had walls up higher and stronger than the Wall of China.
I was scared, and I had this hard outter exterior projection ... I didn't want to get hurt. But with him...I loved how I put it too, to him. I said with him he was ..shy, and quiet but I knew he was a very dominant person. "I'm usually the dominant personality in most dynamics. But with you I was a kitten trying to be a wolf. "...
And it was true. He would calmly unarm me. He's one of those guy you instantly felt safe having around if he was with you and he was one of those people you had to watch if he wasn't with you.
One of the things that made my jaw hang was when he said his wife knew he had the hots for me. I'm exactly his type. Hello!! Imagine how that woman feels. I felt like crap. >.<
Throughout the conversation I got myself ready and Jaiden too and drove to work. What I found waiting for me was mind boggling. He said he wanted me. Has wanted me for a long time. And while he was married it wasn't stopping him, he knew my respect for that was what kept me at bay. He said he never chases girls. He avoids them. But we have always had such a strong connection, such a great honesty between us that he couldn't not tell me how he felt. Has been feeling. He said he needed to know, he was a big boy and he could take it. He asked me to tell him no. He said he knew a physical relationship isn't something I wanted but if it was, he'd want to be the one. He just wanted to know if he ever had a chance.
...it took me hours to even respond. And eventually did. The next day. Lol.
I said I respected him and his wife and their marriage and would never do anything to alter that for a past we shared and a present that we have. I do not and will not want a physical relationship with anyone. It's deeper and more commited in my eyes. I am jealous. I am territorial. I want to know what is mine is just that. Mine. No one else. I said I like the level of attraction we have. It's safe. We haven't seen each other in years and it should stay so. I have always liked him a lot. If he wasn't married, if there was no Chris, he would be someone I would without a doubt consider.
I guess I hit a nerve when I shot him down and bruised his ego a tad because we didn't talk much after I let him know how I felt. How things stood. So much for being a big boy, right?
But I didn't let it bother me.
Because as I told my friend, if another female was talking to Chris the way he spoke to me, or even I to him. I'd lose it. I don't want to share. I don't want to think of Chris being with someone else. Or him wanting someone else. Or entertaining ideas of another.
But Jay, a married man, put it into perspective. He considered having a physical affair. A great guy like him, was unhappy enough to want to look outside his vows.
I did ask if it was just a physical attraction he had. He said no. It was more. Well more.
I have a great amount of respect for Jay but having him do that to me, while flattering, cheapened who he was as a man to me. His idea of the sacred bond that his marriage should be.
I told him I'd never make my partner feel less than loved. I was a romantic at heart. I chase like a man. Flowers, love letters, I sacrifice distance and time. And once I have them, I go the 9 yards, dinner, movie nights, dancing, music, candles.
IF I AM given the OPPORTUNITY!!
I know how to surprise a person and make them feel wonderful.
My first year's anniversary with Chris was going to be magical. I had a comped (and that was hard to get) room at Atlantic City's Borgata Casino and Hotel. Now this was 4 years ago and the hotel was a lot newer too. I got FREE champagne in the room, I got a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to him on arrival at check in. The only thing I would have to pay for and it wasn't even going to be full price, was dinner. You know what he did? Caused a fight and ruined the night. We never went. To this day I don't know what happened.
I got free tickets to see Velvet Revolver, he didn't want to go.
Free tickets to see BMX bikes/tricking. He didn't want to go.
..
Maybe it was me he didn't want to go with. I don't know. We've gone to concerts together. But he's done that with tons of people. It's something that he enjoys.
I wanted to see Hoobastank this year. Offspring, Linkin Park, Incubus. All bands I love. But we were already broken up. Korn. Marilyn Manson. I wanted to get him tickets to Korn and Disturbed in January. But he didn't want to go. Mosh pits scare me but I would have gone. I went when we went to see Sevendust. LOVED that we got to see Saliva.
After I had Jaiden, I took him on a date to a very classy restaurant. ME. I've had him meet me at places for drinks, dinner, just to get out of the house...
Even learned how to make some of his favorite dishes.
I've bought roses for him for no reason, cards, random notes, just because. Provocative text messages which went ignored. I tried.
He never gave me a chance.
I digress.
I know how to treat someone I love.
I chase what I want. What I know I can get ...and I told Jay he was unattainable. I could never have him. And because I knew that I'd never pursue him.
I'm not perfect.
But I am such a good and deserving soul ..and this..all these years I've wasted on 2 men who just...didn't appreciate who or what they had in me.
Well, 1. Because Mike is still chasing me.
Chris knew and knows what a wonderful person I am, and he says becase of all the crap he knows he put me through, that's why he left. He removed himself. Because he was the problem.
It's not been fair, my love life.
And it's not even a long list to consider.
But I will only ever consider Jay WAY after Chris. Chris is my focus. Even if I have to stay away.
I had just gotten home from work and I was texting someone who I thought was a friend. Turns out it was the wrong person. But they had no idea who I was. So I deduced it was possibly someone with the old number of someone I knew. I apologized and said it was an accident all together.
But then I said "Unless this is Jay." And it was........o_O...well shit.
I haven't spoken to or about Jay in months but he can be remembered as that Dream that never happened. We had a few dates eons ago and now he's semi-happily married with a family.
We talked from 11.30 til I was ready for work and driving. My phone was beeping as his texts just poured.
We talked about myself and my lack of a relationship with Chris and his with his wife.
He even suggested him setting me up with a friend of his, which I kindly declined. I said that I was in no way shape or form ready to be with anyone. I didn't want anyone but Chris. I won't. I will not. I'll stay alone. I don't want to have anyone else near me, touch me, kiss me...of course I didn't say all this.
I just said that it was nice of him to think of me that way but I wasn't ready. My heart won't accept any one else.
Then it began. His ...affection towards me came pouring out.
The years we knew each other, the fact he wasn't ready for a relationship ..I was a virgin. Etc.
He said he'd be jealous if in fact I did meet and hit it off with his friend. But he'd suck it up for me to be happy, if I was. The whole "What if they got married.." deal rolling around in his head.
He said I was his "What if" in life. The one question mark that lingers. He said he had no others in life. No wonders. No regrets. Just me. "What if we.."
He said I was a perfect match for everything he wanted. Physically and personality - wise. And truth be told, he fit me better than Chris.
Don't get me wrong. Chris is my world. I see nothing and no one but him.
I love his kiss, his touch, his embrace. His blue eyes, I love everything about him. Even the way he snores.
But with Jay. Jay was physically everything I like. Tall, fair, light hair, gorgeous eyes, great smile. BUT his personality ...so ...dominant. Yet he was very easy going. Relaxed. But there was a fire in him, it was almost frightening. Dangerous. I think it's because I knew he was a Marine and spent time in combat. Because he was somewhat of a 'bad boy' who had a crappy upbringing. A father that wasn't around and he lost his older brother at an early age in a shooting, I think ..
He said when we had our dates, or when we were together, he never felt such passionate feelings before, or after. I explained that being with him was just soon after I'd decided I was tired of being alone and wanted to date. Wanted to be with someone. I was still very new to it all. Nervous. He said my initial projection was hard ass. He was right. I had walls up higher and stronger than the Wall of China.
I was scared, and I had this hard outter exterior projection ... I didn't want to get hurt. But with him...I loved how I put it too, to him. I said with him he was ..shy, and quiet but I knew he was a very dominant person. "I'm usually the dominant personality in most dynamics. But with you I was a kitten trying to be a wolf. "...
And it was true. He would calmly unarm me. He's one of those guy you instantly felt safe having around if he was with you and he was one of those people you had to watch if he wasn't with you.
One of the things that made my jaw hang was when he said his wife knew he had the hots for me. I'm exactly his type. Hello!! Imagine how that woman feels. I felt like crap. >.<
Throughout the conversation I got myself ready and Jaiden too and drove to work. What I found waiting for me was mind boggling. He said he wanted me. Has wanted me for a long time. And while he was married it wasn't stopping him, he knew my respect for that was what kept me at bay. He said he never chases girls. He avoids them. But we have always had such a strong connection, such a great honesty between us that he couldn't not tell me how he felt. Has been feeling. He said he needed to know, he was a big boy and he could take it. He asked me to tell him no. He said he knew a physical relationship isn't something I wanted but if it was, he'd want to be the one. He just wanted to know if he ever had a chance.
...it took me hours to even respond. And eventually did. The next day. Lol.
I said I respected him and his wife and their marriage and would never do anything to alter that for a past we shared and a present that we have. I do not and will not want a physical relationship with anyone. It's deeper and more commited in my eyes. I am jealous. I am territorial. I want to know what is mine is just that. Mine. No one else. I said I like the level of attraction we have. It's safe. We haven't seen each other in years and it should stay so. I have always liked him a lot. If he wasn't married, if there was no Chris, he would be someone I would without a doubt consider.
I guess I hit a nerve when I shot him down and bruised his ego a tad because we didn't talk much after I let him know how I felt. How things stood. So much for being a big boy, right?
But I didn't let it bother me.
Because as I told my friend, if another female was talking to Chris the way he spoke to me, or even I to him. I'd lose it. I don't want to share. I don't want to think of Chris being with someone else. Or him wanting someone else. Or entertaining ideas of another.
But Jay, a married man, put it into perspective. He considered having a physical affair. A great guy like him, was unhappy enough to want to look outside his vows.
I did ask if it was just a physical attraction he had. He said no. It was more. Well more.
I have a great amount of respect for Jay but having him do that to me, while flattering, cheapened who he was as a man to me. His idea of the sacred bond that his marriage should be.
I told him I'd never make my partner feel less than loved. I was a romantic at heart. I chase like a man. Flowers, love letters, I sacrifice distance and time. And once I have them, I go the 9 yards, dinner, movie nights, dancing, music, candles.
IF I AM given the OPPORTUNITY!!
I know how to surprise a person and make them feel wonderful.
My first year's anniversary with Chris was going to be magical. I had a comped (and that was hard to get) room at Atlantic City's Borgata Casino and Hotel. Now this was 4 years ago and the hotel was a lot newer too. I got FREE champagne in the room, I got a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to him on arrival at check in. The only thing I would have to pay for and it wasn't even going to be full price, was dinner. You know what he did? Caused a fight and ruined the night. We never went. To this day I don't know what happened.
I got free tickets to see Velvet Revolver, he didn't want to go.
Free tickets to see BMX bikes/tricking. He didn't want to go.
..
Maybe it was me he didn't want to go with. I don't know. We've gone to concerts together. But he's done that with tons of people. It's something that he enjoys.
I wanted to see Hoobastank this year. Offspring, Linkin Park, Incubus. All bands I love. But we were already broken up. Korn. Marilyn Manson. I wanted to get him tickets to Korn and Disturbed in January. But he didn't want to go. Mosh pits scare me but I would have gone. I went when we went to see Sevendust. LOVED that we got to see Saliva.
After I had Jaiden, I took him on a date to a very classy restaurant. ME. I've had him meet me at places for drinks, dinner, just to get out of the house...
Even learned how to make some of his favorite dishes.
I've bought roses for him for no reason, cards, random notes, just because. Provocative text messages which went ignored. I tried.
He never gave me a chance.
I digress.
I know how to treat someone I love.
I chase what I want. What I know I can get ...and I told Jay he was unattainable. I could never have him. And because I knew that I'd never pursue him.
I'm not perfect.
But I am such a good and deserving soul ..and this..all these years I've wasted on 2 men who just...didn't appreciate who or what they had in me.
Well, 1. Because Mike is still chasing me.
Chris knew and knows what a wonderful person I am, and he says becase of all the crap he knows he put me through, that's why he left. He removed himself. Because he was the problem.
It's not been fair, my love life.
And it's not even a long list to consider.
But I will only ever consider Jay WAY after Chris. Chris is my focus. Even if I have to stay away.
Square one..ol' familiar
...square one.
The weather yesterday made the day even more unbearable. Wind, rain. Just all around gloom without the thunder and lightning. He texted with wanting Jaiden. I denied him as I said. But then the conversation continued. I kept my replies short. He said he was going to bed for about an hour. This is just before 5pm. I hadn't heard from him since.
But he let me know that he burnt eggs last night. Because he didn't add oil. I just laughed.
I hate this. This acting like I don't care when that's all I do. I care so much this is unfair. Pretending. I hate pretending. I hate fakeness. I hate lying.
I never asked if he read the letter I gave him on Monday. I had hoped he would bring it up but ...knowing him and his lack of confrontation about anything important, he won't. Not til there's a fight or something. But I was back to dying to talk to him, to call or to text. Just like I was 3 months ago.
I was back to wanting so much I couldn't focus on anything.
Back to hoping and praying so hard, and so...hopelessly.
I tried to clean up, I opened a beer, played some music loud, some songs on a stream on repeat. And just sank into my pathetic loneliness. I got half of what I wanted to get done, done. I wrote down a few words on a piece of paper after I'd cleaned and vacuumed a little, and lit a candle. And just let it burn until I was ready for bed.
In hindsight, at times, I think I set myself back all this time by being too available to him. I might still be guilty of it without knowing or seeing it. If I had just shut him out like I was supposed to when this all began, maybe I'd be in a better place. And maybe pigs would fly.
I put myself here. BUT I tried. And I was wrong. He said I was removing myself. That my feeling of being alone and rejected was my fault because I don't call him or I don't talk to him. SMH...
But the reality of it is...the blame's not mine to carry.
Regardless of how bad I feel. This wasn't my doing. Half the time I feel like a grown up version of my daughter, wanted and vying for the love and attention of someone who isn't there. Someone who doesn't care. Not enough to call, to see if anything is needed. Nothing.
I swear, if someone were to read my blog and analyze my thoughts they'd say I was crazy, obsessive and delusional.
Loving a man who clearly has me and his child at the bottom of his list.
Hell, we might not even be on the list - unimportant enough to not be any kind of priority.
...I hate this and I just want him back.
The weather yesterday made the day even more unbearable. Wind, rain. Just all around gloom without the thunder and lightning. He texted with wanting Jaiden. I denied him as I said. But then the conversation continued. I kept my replies short. He said he was going to bed for about an hour. This is just before 5pm. I hadn't heard from him since.
But he let me know that he burnt eggs last night. Because he didn't add oil. I just laughed.
I hate this. This acting like I don't care when that's all I do. I care so much this is unfair. Pretending. I hate pretending. I hate fakeness. I hate lying.
I never asked if he read the letter I gave him on Monday. I had hoped he would bring it up but ...knowing him and his lack of confrontation about anything important, he won't. Not til there's a fight or something. But I was back to dying to talk to him, to call or to text. Just like I was 3 months ago.
I was back to wanting so much I couldn't focus on anything.
Back to hoping and praying so hard, and so...hopelessly.
I tried to clean up, I opened a beer, played some music loud, some songs on a stream on repeat. And just sank into my pathetic loneliness. I got half of what I wanted to get done, done. I wrote down a few words on a piece of paper after I'd cleaned and vacuumed a little, and lit a candle. And just let it burn until I was ready for bed.
In hindsight, at times, I think I set myself back all this time by being too available to him. I might still be guilty of it without knowing or seeing it. If I had just shut him out like I was supposed to when this all began, maybe I'd be in a better place. And maybe pigs would fly.
I put myself here. BUT I tried. And I was wrong. He said I was removing myself. That my feeling of being alone and rejected was my fault because I don't call him or I don't talk to him. SMH...
But the reality of it is...the blame's not mine to carry.
Regardless of how bad I feel. This wasn't my doing. Half the time I feel like a grown up version of my daughter, wanted and vying for the love and attention of someone who isn't there. Someone who doesn't care. Not enough to call, to see if anything is needed. Nothing.
I swear, if someone were to read my blog and analyze my thoughts they'd say I was crazy, obsessive and delusional.
Loving a man who clearly has me and his child at the bottom of his list.
Hell, we might not even be on the list - unimportant enough to not be any kind of priority.
...I hate this and I just want him back.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Finally a day off..
..a day to just sit and think, sit and wonder. Sit and not cry. As many moments struck me today I did what I had to do to carry forward. Woke up, went grocery shopping after 3 months, took my mom and my daughter to lunch and now I'm at home while my daughter's with my parents til 9am in the morning. My life..is in shambles.
I hate this. This longing without having. This wanting and needing without reason.
He called me last night at 1am. His voice, I miss it so. And at the conversation's end he left me with "Sweet Dreams Honey."...
Marred my mind as I drifted back off into my familiar lull where I never remember my dreams.
Today he wanted Jaiden for a few hours but it would put me out to say yes then to take her from my parents, have her go with him and then take her back tonight. He isn't worth all that trouble. So I said no and asked if tomorrow was better. I'm off tomorrow night and I don't work Thursday morning. I'm growing weary of saying yes. Of bending my plans to accommodate him. I'm going to try to not do it anymore. Because he doesn't give me the same respect. He doesn't give me a second thought, a chance. He doesn't give me anything.
Except hopes and empty dreams. He gives me a hole I can't fill with anything because it's not enough to.
Everything everyone says, and has been saying is true. I have to stop letting him in. Because if I open the door every time he knocks, he won't want to be with me. I'm convenient enough for him to come and go.
He's free to walk away with no responsibility to me.
To my wants, needs and hopes or dreams. He has and will continue to leave me vacant with every revisit.
I love you. I love you so much that I have to leave.
"Try to tell you no but my body keeps telling me yes.."
I'm afraid to push, to push and turn because then he'd turn away too. And it's the fact that we both walk away instead of him stopping me, him reaching, him coming after me that's killing me. I'm afraid the realization that ...he..doesn't love me enough to come.
I guess I won't know til I know, right?
I hate this. This longing without having. This wanting and needing without reason.
He called me last night at 1am. His voice, I miss it so. And at the conversation's end he left me with "Sweet Dreams Honey."...
Marred my mind as I drifted back off into my familiar lull where I never remember my dreams.
Today he wanted Jaiden for a few hours but it would put me out to say yes then to take her from my parents, have her go with him and then take her back tonight. He isn't worth all that trouble. So I said no and asked if tomorrow was better. I'm off tomorrow night and I don't work Thursday morning. I'm growing weary of saying yes. Of bending my plans to accommodate him. I'm going to try to not do it anymore. Because he doesn't give me the same respect. He doesn't give me a second thought, a chance. He doesn't give me anything.
Except hopes and empty dreams. He gives me a hole I can't fill with anything because it's not enough to.
Everything everyone says, and has been saying is true. I have to stop letting him in. Because if I open the door every time he knocks, he won't want to be with me. I'm convenient enough for him to come and go.
He's free to walk away with no responsibility to me.
To my wants, needs and hopes or dreams. He has and will continue to leave me vacant with every revisit.
I love you. I love you so much that I have to leave.
"Try to tell you no but my body keeps telling me yes.."
I'm afraid to push, to push and turn because then he'd turn away too. And it's the fact that we both walk away instead of him stopping me, him reaching, him coming after me that's killing me. I'm afraid the realization that ...he..doesn't love me enough to come.
I guess I won't know til I know, right?
Monday, September 17, 2012
No regret..
...or maybe there was. Yesterday was a stir of emotions. I'd been simply bombarded with work this past week and now that my schedule has changed, I at least get Sundays off, now. But I'll be working a longer day on Saturdays. Chris and I hadn't spoken much since Monday. And I was upset.
We'd seen each other on Sunday and I guess that was enough for him. By Friday I just texted and a depted conversation started. Heated at times. I know he's not doing what he's been saying he is. I know he's going on though he claims he doesn't. I know he talks to other women, other people, regardless of the "I have no friends, I don't go anywhere" deal he spews.
So I decided to write him a letter.
It didn't say much but I wrote a lot. I always hand write my letters to him. It's personal. Private like that. I let him know I was sorry we never communicated. We never talked, and we never listened. I let him know that he has faults when it comes to other women. He can't say "no" or be honest, so they are misled or if he tells them one thing when in fact it's another. It's a lie anyway you look at it. When you spend hours talking to a woman at all hours of the night, she thinks it's a sign of interest. When he goes around telling people he's a newly single dad, rebuilding and he's just left his ex and is trying to start a new life, he's saying just that, not saying that we are trying to work through things. It's misleading. He's not saying that he's sorting out his feelings for me. He's not saying he misses me. He's not saying we still sleep together. Why would he, right? But that's the truth. And that's what he doesn't get.
I said I loved him, it was so easy. Falling out of love with him would be devastatingly hard, but if I had to, I would try. I then printed a fragment of one of my recent entries.
"I still love him so much and all I want is to have him back. With us in a greater, stronger and more reliable bond.
Not because I want it, but because we want it.
Give him the strength to want to work on us.
To want him to provide for his family.
To want to plan Sunday barbeque's instead of weekend bar binges.
To want to sleep in and have breakfast in bed instead of nursing a hangover.
To want to plan a movie night instead of losing yourself in a game for hours on the PC.
I want a life. I want a family. I want soccer practice and cheer leading ..stuff.
I don't want it perfect.
But I want it real, I want it fun.
I want Thursday night rum and cokes outside while idly talking about our next vacation.
Or planning another baby.
Planning our next move. Car purchase. A new hobby. A new trip.
I want other women to catch a glimpse of him and then me at his side ...just so I can smile with my eyes and say "Yeah...He's mine.." and I want him to feel the same about me.
I pray for him to ...want to share those things with me.
Please, let me be worth the risk to him, the fight to him..."
I taped it into my letter...
So he would see. So he would understand. I said I was sorry I sound brutally honest when I speak to him but my words are not an attack. Never intended to be nor would I want to hurt him. I was sorry for other things that honestly escape me right now as it's almost 6am.
I just needed him to know that whatever was done, was done out of love. With adoration.
I believe in the truth. I believe in knowing the truth regardless of the hurt. Because the hurt will go away but I won't be left with a lie.
I sealed it and left the letter on my desk. That was before I knew he was coming over ...
I didn't even know if I wanted to give it to him.
After he said he wanted to go food shopping on Saturday and then switched it to Sunday, I let it go. I didn't care enough, after some begging of my soul, to text him on Saturday.
Sunday came about and it was the same. It wasn't until after 6pm that Jaiden, who'd been asking to go to her father's for the past day or 2, said she wanted me to call him. She insisted we go to him. That he come here. That we bring him. That she be with him.
When I called, there was no reply.
I let her know we'll try again later on.
He returned the call shortly after.
He sounded so...not all there. She refused to talk to him.
I asked if he was ok. He said yes. I asked what he was doing. He said nothing.
I said that he could always call if he wanted to do something.
He sounded strangely small, burdened by thought.
I asked if he wanted to come over. He said "Maybe." I said Maybe wasn't a yes or no.
He said yes. Said he'd be there in 30 minutes or so.
And he was good on it. 45 minutes later he was there.
His intent was to go food shopping from near my apartment and take it home.
The time seemed to just flutter away. Between him playing with Jaiden and again, wanting to be with me...
I had gone out to get Jaiden something to eat before he'd arrived but I made sure to get him something too as I was sure he'd not eaten.
Once he arrived, I fed him and let him spend time with Jaiden who was only growing upset every moment he didn't pay attention to her or was fixated on me.
She knows. She voices that she feels 'left out'. She doesn't understand ..but she does.
She just doesn't know how to ...react.
She never sees her father and when she does, she's sad that he turns his attention to me. To hug or kiss me, or to even hold my hand. She intervenes when we find ourselves in a quiet embrace. Not to break us apart but to get in on it. Be included.
As the time drew late, I explained to him that I had to take her to my parents soon. If he would be willing to go food shopping tomorrow night since I don't work Tuesday morning, I'll be able to have her with me Monday night and not worry about waking up soon or having her somewhere.
He obliged.
By then we were testing wet waters already.
His fleeting kisses to my neck, my ear, his constant hand on my butt.
8pm came quick and I had to take her. He said he wouldn't leave. So I dropped her off down the street and returned. He was still there, playing with the TV. I asked him to sit, watch a movie with me. We turned on Breaking Dawn Part 1. A few months back, we stayed up til after 6am watching the others ..
I just sat near him, wrapped his arm around mine and sank into his side like he still belonged to me.
What seemed like minutes were longer than, but the kisses didn't stop. They lingered hungrily. I tried twice to prolong what seemed to be the inevitable. But there was something different in the way he looked at me. His eyes...his stare. He said it was him taking the view in. Me. But it was something more. I don't know what it was, still. But it was something else. Something different. My mind has a tendency to expect the worst
..After many playful "no"s..
....I couldn't say no any more.
We were so wrapped up in each other after maybe an hour or so that we just fell into each other. "I love you very much.." ..I leaned into him and barely whispered it. He hugged me and said "I know you do honey, I know you do.."
Then I did the girly thing by, when we were done, I asked ..
"Was this just loneliness?"
He said "No."
"Things will get better right?"
He said "I hope so."
"Do you want it to get better..?"
He said "..yes.." but very quietly. "Less thinking, more holding.."
And I couldn't help it..I cried quietly into his cheek and my pillow as he held me..
No sobs, no sound. Just silent tears welling up onto my closed eyelid.
He rewinded the end of the movie for me to see and then, with another soft, but long, tight hug, a kiss to my head, he made for the door. Then asked me to walk him to the door, which I was doing.
He held the door open, and asked for "the doorway hug"...I don't know what it meant. But we embraced in the doorway. And as he let go..I..retrieved the letter and asked him not to read it yet. He popped it open.
But didn't look into it.
He said it felt like a lot. I said it may be. Hand written like they all are.
I said it wasn't bad.
And as he whispered goodbye, he shut the door and disappeared. I didn't see him leave. But I needed to sleep. I'd only get 4 hours or less but it was better than nothing.
It breaks my heart that he won't say he loves me too..
But I keep praying for him to come back to me.
Want us enough to ...try. Really try.
I don't understand men. As simple as they are I'm clouded by my emotions so often that..I just don't see.
I try, I do...but..
I know I'm asking for too much. Or am I?
In hindsight and baring all honest words, we both knew this was coming the moment 8pm came and he wasn't going to the supermarket. We both wanted to be in each other's arms. And what I really wanted was to stop it before it went there. As many times as I brushed his hand away, or asked him not to kiss my ear, or my neck...I couldn't. I couldn't say no to the man I love. I tried. I wanted to say "I can't...I need to give you space, and a clear mind to want me. Be with me. Love me. Not only on this level but all the others too." but words like that complicate things. Can't complicate something already complicated, right? But those would have been the truth. I didn't want to feel used again. I didn't want to be hurt again. I didn't want to be ignored for days again.
We'd seen each other on Sunday and I guess that was enough for him. By Friday I just texted and a depted conversation started. Heated at times. I know he's not doing what he's been saying he is. I know he's going on though he claims he doesn't. I know he talks to other women, other people, regardless of the "I have no friends, I don't go anywhere" deal he spews.
So I decided to write him a letter.
It didn't say much but I wrote a lot. I always hand write my letters to him. It's personal. Private like that. I let him know I was sorry we never communicated. We never talked, and we never listened. I let him know that he has faults when it comes to other women. He can't say "no" or be honest, so they are misled or if he tells them one thing when in fact it's another. It's a lie anyway you look at it. When you spend hours talking to a woman at all hours of the night, she thinks it's a sign of interest. When he goes around telling people he's a newly single dad, rebuilding and he's just left his ex and is trying to start a new life, he's saying just that, not saying that we are trying to work through things. It's misleading. He's not saying that he's sorting out his feelings for me. He's not saying he misses me. He's not saying we still sleep together. Why would he, right? But that's the truth. And that's what he doesn't get.
I said I loved him, it was so easy. Falling out of love with him would be devastatingly hard, but if I had to, I would try. I then printed a fragment of one of my recent entries.
"I still love him so much and all I want is to have him back. With us in a greater, stronger and more reliable bond.
Not because I want it, but because we want it.
Give him the strength to want to work on us.
To want him to provide for his family.
To want to plan Sunday barbeque's instead of weekend bar binges.
To want to sleep in and have breakfast in bed instead of nursing a hangover.
To want to plan a movie night instead of losing yourself in a game for hours on the PC.
I want a life. I want a family. I want soccer practice and cheer leading ..stuff.
I don't want it perfect.
But I want it real, I want it fun.
I want Thursday night rum and cokes outside while idly talking about our next vacation.
Or planning another baby.
Planning our next move. Car purchase. A new hobby. A new trip.
I want other women to catch a glimpse of him and then me at his side ...just so I can smile with my eyes and say "Yeah...He's mine.." and I want him to feel the same about me.
I pray for him to ...want to share those things with me.
Please, let me be worth the risk to him, the fight to him..."
I taped it into my letter...
So he would see. So he would understand. I said I was sorry I sound brutally honest when I speak to him but my words are not an attack. Never intended to be nor would I want to hurt him. I was sorry for other things that honestly escape me right now as it's almost 6am.
I just needed him to know that whatever was done, was done out of love. With adoration.
I believe in the truth. I believe in knowing the truth regardless of the hurt. Because the hurt will go away but I won't be left with a lie.
I sealed it and left the letter on my desk. That was before I knew he was coming over ...
I didn't even know if I wanted to give it to him.
After he said he wanted to go food shopping on Saturday and then switched it to Sunday, I let it go. I didn't care enough, after some begging of my soul, to text him on Saturday.
Sunday came about and it was the same. It wasn't until after 6pm that Jaiden, who'd been asking to go to her father's for the past day or 2, said she wanted me to call him. She insisted we go to him. That he come here. That we bring him. That she be with him.
When I called, there was no reply.
I let her know we'll try again later on.
He returned the call shortly after.
He sounded so...not all there. She refused to talk to him.
I asked if he was ok. He said yes. I asked what he was doing. He said nothing.
I said that he could always call if he wanted to do something.
He sounded strangely small, burdened by thought.
I asked if he wanted to come over. He said "Maybe." I said Maybe wasn't a yes or no.
He said yes. Said he'd be there in 30 minutes or so.
And he was good on it. 45 minutes later he was there.
His intent was to go food shopping from near my apartment and take it home.
The time seemed to just flutter away. Between him playing with Jaiden and again, wanting to be with me...
I had gone out to get Jaiden something to eat before he'd arrived but I made sure to get him something too as I was sure he'd not eaten.
Once he arrived, I fed him and let him spend time with Jaiden who was only growing upset every moment he didn't pay attention to her or was fixated on me.
She knows. She voices that she feels 'left out'. She doesn't understand ..but she does.
She just doesn't know how to ...react.
She never sees her father and when she does, she's sad that he turns his attention to me. To hug or kiss me, or to even hold my hand. She intervenes when we find ourselves in a quiet embrace. Not to break us apart but to get in on it. Be included.
As the time drew late, I explained to him that I had to take her to my parents soon. If he would be willing to go food shopping tomorrow night since I don't work Tuesday morning, I'll be able to have her with me Monday night and not worry about waking up soon or having her somewhere.
He obliged.
By then we were testing wet waters already.
His fleeting kisses to my neck, my ear, his constant hand on my butt.
8pm came quick and I had to take her. He said he wouldn't leave. So I dropped her off down the street and returned. He was still there, playing with the TV. I asked him to sit, watch a movie with me. We turned on Breaking Dawn Part 1. A few months back, we stayed up til after 6am watching the others ..
I just sat near him, wrapped his arm around mine and sank into his side like he still belonged to me.
What seemed like minutes were longer than, but the kisses didn't stop. They lingered hungrily. I tried twice to prolong what seemed to be the inevitable. But there was something different in the way he looked at me. His eyes...his stare. He said it was him taking the view in. Me. But it was something more. I don't know what it was, still. But it was something else. Something different. My mind has a tendency to expect the worst
..After many playful "no"s..
....I couldn't say no any more.
We were so wrapped up in each other after maybe an hour or so that we just fell into each other. "I love you very much.." ..I leaned into him and barely whispered it. He hugged me and said "I know you do honey, I know you do.."
Then I did the girly thing by, when we were done, I asked ..
"Was this just loneliness?"
He said "No."
"Things will get better right?"
He said "I hope so."
"Do you want it to get better..?"
He said "..yes.." but very quietly. "Less thinking, more holding.."
And I couldn't help it..I cried quietly into his cheek and my pillow as he held me..
No sobs, no sound. Just silent tears welling up onto my closed eyelid.
He rewinded the end of the movie for me to see and then, with another soft, but long, tight hug, a kiss to my head, he made for the door. Then asked me to walk him to the door, which I was doing.
He held the door open, and asked for "the doorway hug"...I don't know what it meant. But we embraced in the doorway. And as he let go..I..retrieved the letter and asked him not to read it yet. He popped it open.
But didn't look into it.
He said it felt like a lot. I said it may be. Hand written like they all are.
I said it wasn't bad.
And as he whispered goodbye, he shut the door and disappeared. I didn't see him leave. But I needed to sleep. I'd only get 4 hours or less but it was better than nothing.
It breaks my heart that he won't say he loves me too..
But I keep praying for him to come back to me.
Want us enough to ...try. Really try.
I don't understand men. As simple as they are I'm clouded by my emotions so often that..I just don't see.
I try, I do...but..
I know I'm asking for too much. Or am I?
In hindsight and baring all honest words, we both knew this was coming the moment 8pm came and he wasn't going to the supermarket. We both wanted to be in each other's arms. And what I really wanted was to stop it before it went there. As many times as I brushed his hand away, or asked him not to kiss my ear, or my neck...I couldn't. I couldn't say no to the man I love. I tried. I wanted to say "I can't...I need to give you space, and a clear mind to want me. Be with me. Love me. Not only on this level but all the others too." but words like that complicate things. Can't complicate something already complicated, right? But those would have been the truth. I didn't want to feel used again. I didn't want to be hurt again. I didn't want to be ignored for days again.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Am rambles from a lovestuck pup. (not lovestruck)
It's after 5am, and I find myself ..staring a lot. I've conditioned myself to get into bed by 9.30pm on the nights I have to work at 4am the next morning. And when I sit and think about it, it's like, "What kind of life is this?" I work so much to be with my daughter that I'm never WITH my daughter. I haven't spent the night with her since last Friday. Saturday she was with her father, Sunday-today she's been with my parents. I go to see her every day ..regardless of how tired I am or how I feel.
And she misses me, and I miss her.
But I can't take her back with me because of the early hour schedule the next morning.
And then when I work in the morning, I go home, and I try to sleep. So that I can go BACK to work at night. Sometimes she's with me. And if I have to work the following morning, she goes right back to my parents after work ...
It's a routine I've come to detest but appreciate simply because no one else would do that for me. Schedule their work around mine.
I make no kind of money. But I work all the time.
I thank God so much for the extra effort my family gives to my daughter and I.
I thank God for the extra hours I get during the week. Because I need it to make ends meet. I don't even live paycheck to paycheck because it's not enough. I've calculated my bills, rent, I didn't even count food or gas. It's not enough.
So with every phone call asking me to work, I say yes and I say thank you. Because that small amount of time will give me an extra 10$-20$ on an insufficient paycheck. I now walk around with a writing pad and a pen or pencil. I write almost every day while I'm sitting here with nothing but my thoughts on my mind ..my voice screaming in my head.
I ask God for strength, patience, and guidance.
I admit, I ask him to bring me Chris more than I can bear to say...
But I try to leave that as a "..if you can swing it"..
I'd love to come into some money. Maybe fix my credit a little. It's not bad, I don't have oodles of debt...but perhaps because of my not working for the two and a half years after I had Jaiden affected it. My bills were almost always paid on time. The few that weren't was because of Chris. Maybe if I last til March, I can move and look into renting a house with 2 bedrooms. A lot of the postings I view, have no utilties included. Which sucks. Paying for heat and water is new to me. I don't want to. I don't mind paying for lights, cable/internet. Don't need a phone. I've been looking for ways to cut costs at every angle without it breaking me in the end.
My parents, since I paid their IRS this past April, have been paying me back weekly from their paycheck. Mainly my dad. So I've been able to set aside that money incase I have to use it to pay the rent one month. I need a new plan of action once my lease is up. But I'll get that after winter. If I can make it through winter, I'll be alright. Winter at 4am...frightening. Digging myself out of snow, or having to wake up 30 minutes sooner to defrost my car. All the layers. It's discouraging when you think about it. And the days that my daughter can't stay over night with them? 10xs worse on us both. Bundling her up in that weather. ..
I can't think about that now.
But as long as I can do it, I'll do it. I pray for the strength to do it. And it's only September.
-__-......I'll fall apart.
Almost 6am. 3 more hours before I can go home and pack some stuff for my daughter so I can take her to work with me tonight. And finally have a night with her. That is unless they ask me to work in the morning.
It's a complaint in itself. Want money, get work, can't see kid.
Last night, around 10.30pm, Chris' friend Billy, called me to see how I was. Since the break up he's managed to check ip on me maybe once every week if it's via text or phone call. Last night we talked for about 15 minutes before his phone died. He was at work. I was tired but grateful for his reaching out to me. I was just falling asleep when he called me back around 11.30pm. We talked for another 25 minutes or so before he said he'd let me get some sleep.
I just notices that it's bad that I can no longer get out any poetry ...
Not even a stanza or two. It doesn't cross my mind much at all.
Maybe my brain figures it's got enough thoughts and I write it all out that it doesn't need the poetry amidst the mess. Maybe my heart just has nothing to say because I've said most if not all of it.
I'd resorted to deleting Chris' name from my phone as well. Most of the pictures were removed but not deleted. Just taken off the phone.
Still the same ringtone and text tone to know if it's him.
It came to my attention too that he left some of his clothes at my apartment, not that it's bothering me. But it's there. And in the closet. He took a lot of his anime DVDs and work DVDs. I assume as the weather changes, he'll be back for the clothes. The coats and stuff. Unless mommy dearest buys him all new ones.
I can't get his face out of my head. It's like everything he does, or anything anyone does, reminds me of him. It's like mourning a person who's died. It all hurts. Not exactly replacing but moving forward.
And the painful part of it all is that he seems so unaffected.
I've said it a million times before and I'll probably say it a million times more, but I feel he does love me. He's just afraid. Afraid of what his mother and sister will thing, afraid of commiting to one person. Actually buckling down and deciding on life, on a future rather than winging it daily, all willy nilly. He's afraid to grow up and take charge because then he has to take responsibility.
He didn't want a child yet. I didn't want children, period. But here she is, 3 years later.
Life changes and things happen.
It's how you deal with it at the end of the day that matters.
Why live for someone who's already lived their life? I don't live for my parents. I live for my kid. For Chris. For me. For us. Or I should say 'lived'.
I live for my self, daughter and my love.
I wish he would do the same.
Dear God - thank you for giving me the strength to work another day to try to survive. To give my daughter all she deserves, and more. To hope she doesn't learn that this is how a man treats a woman. And to learn that she can be strong ..if not stronger than I.
I hope, I pray that NO man does to her what her father has to me. Because it's not fair. I hope she is stronger than I to prevail a whole lot better than me. Because I'm stuck. I'm really stuck on one person's unfair idea of love. And family.
I hope that one day you see that we aren't just living to survive but living to enjoy. Til then, I pray for me, my family, my daughter, and I pray that Chris' eyes open to the love he has in me. And chooses to come back for us. And chooses to work 10xs harder to keep us.
And she misses me, and I miss her.
But I can't take her back with me because of the early hour schedule the next morning.
And then when I work in the morning, I go home, and I try to sleep. So that I can go BACK to work at night. Sometimes she's with me. And if I have to work the following morning, she goes right back to my parents after work ...
It's a routine I've come to detest but appreciate simply because no one else would do that for me. Schedule their work around mine.
I make no kind of money. But I work all the time.
I thank God so much for the extra effort my family gives to my daughter and I.
I thank God for the extra hours I get during the week. Because I need it to make ends meet. I don't even live paycheck to paycheck because it's not enough. I've calculated my bills, rent, I didn't even count food or gas. It's not enough.
So with every phone call asking me to work, I say yes and I say thank you. Because that small amount of time will give me an extra 10$-20$ on an insufficient paycheck. I now walk around with a writing pad and a pen or pencil. I write almost every day while I'm sitting here with nothing but my thoughts on my mind ..my voice screaming in my head.
I ask God for strength, patience, and guidance.
I admit, I ask him to bring me Chris more than I can bear to say...
But I try to leave that as a "..if you can swing it"..
I'd love to come into some money. Maybe fix my credit a little. It's not bad, I don't have oodles of debt...but perhaps because of my not working for the two and a half years after I had Jaiden affected it. My bills were almost always paid on time. The few that weren't was because of Chris. Maybe if I last til March, I can move and look into renting a house with 2 bedrooms. A lot of the postings I view, have no utilties included. Which sucks. Paying for heat and water is new to me. I don't want to. I don't mind paying for lights, cable/internet. Don't need a phone. I've been looking for ways to cut costs at every angle without it breaking me in the end.
My parents, since I paid their IRS this past April, have been paying me back weekly from their paycheck. Mainly my dad. So I've been able to set aside that money incase I have to use it to pay the rent one month. I need a new plan of action once my lease is up. But I'll get that after winter. If I can make it through winter, I'll be alright. Winter at 4am...frightening. Digging myself out of snow, or having to wake up 30 minutes sooner to defrost my car. All the layers. It's discouraging when you think about it. And the days that my daughter can't stay over night with them? 10xs worse on us both. Bundling her up in that weather. ..
I can't think about that now.
But as long as I can do it, I'll do it. I pray for the strength to do it. And it's only September.
-__-......I'll fall apart.
Almost 6am. 3 more hours before I can go home and pack some stuff for my daughter so I can take her to work with me tonight. And finally have a night with her. That is unless they ask me to work in the morning.
It's a complaint in itself. Want money, get work, can't see kid.
Last night, around 10.30pm, Chris' friend Billy, called me to see how I was. Since the break up he's managed to check ip on me maybe once every week if it's via text or phone call. Last night we talked for about 15 minutes before his phone died. He was at work. I was tired but grateful for his reaching out to me. I was just falling asleep when he called me back around 11.30pm. We talked for another 25 minutes or so before he said he'd let me get some sleep.
I just notices that it's bad that I can no longer get out any poetry ...
Not even a stanza or two. It doesn't cross my mind much at all.
Maybe my brain figures it's got enough thoughts and I write it all out that it doesn't need the poetry amidst the mess. Maybe my heart just has nothing to say because I've said most if not all of it.
I'd resorted to deleting Chris' name from my phone as well. Most of the pictures were removed but not deleted. Just taken off the phone.
Still the same ringtone and text tone to know if it's him.
It came to my attention too that he left some of his clothes at my apartment, not that it's bothering me. But it's there. And in the closet. He took a lot of his anime DVDs and work DVDs. I assume as the weather changes, he'll be back for the clothes. The coats and stuff. Unless mommy dearest buys him all new ones.
I can't get his face out of my head. It's like everything he does, or anything anyone does, reminds me of him. It's like mourning a person who's died. It all hurts. Not exactly replacing but moving forward.
And the painful part of it all is that he seems so unaffected.
I've said it a million times before and I'll probably say it a million times more, but I feel he does love me. He's just afraid. Afraid of what his mother and sister will thing, afraid of commiting to one person. Actually buckling down and deciding on life, on a future rather than winging it daily, all willy nilly. He's afraid to grow up and take charge because then he has to take responsibility.
He didn't want a child yet. I didn't want children, period. But here she is, 3 years later.
Life changes and things happen.
It's how you deal with it at the end of the day that matters.
Why live for someone who's already lived their life? I don't live for my parents. I live for my kid. For Chris. For me. For us. Or I should say 'lived'.
I live for my self, daughter and my love.
I wish he would do the same.
Dear God - thank you for giving me the strength to work another day to try to survive. To give my daughter all she deserves, and more. To hope she doesn't learn that this is how a man treats a woman. And to learn that she can be strong ..if not stronger than I.
I hope, I pray that NO man does to her what her father has to me. Because it's not fair. I hope she is stronger than I to prevail a whole lot better than me. Because I'm stuck. I'm really stuck on one person's unfair idea of love. And family.
I hope that one day you see that we aren't just living to survive but living to enjoy. Til then, I pray for me, my family, my daughter, and I pray that Chris' eyes open to the love he has in me. And chooses to come back for us. And chooses to work 10xs harder to keep us.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
What am I gonna do...
..it's been 3 months give or take a day or two and he's now moved, his own place and trying to find his financial balance. It's always a hindrance. Finances, and he's got such small attentions for it.
He's got poor spending skills. Poor money management skills.
He invited me to see his place on Sunday and I went, mainly to pick my kid up. But he asked me to stay a while. Have dinner with him. I should have said no. But I didn't. I stayed, I enjoyed his company, his embrace, his kisses. *sigh*..this is why I can't let go. I fall into him every time because my heart only wants him. We just held each other, talked a little.
He said he was happy to be in his own place. He enjoyed that it was 'his'. He was happy to not be in his parents' house anymore. So he wouldn't have to listen to them and their comments about me. About being with me.
He was lonely. He missed me.
But he still didn't know if he wanted to spend his life with me.
Do I make him happy? Yes.
Is he happy with me? Yes.
Then what gives?
He also gave me a key to his apartment.
I've never dated much. I had a total of two loves in my life. And kissed just the same amount outside of those long term relationships. I don't understand why he would give me a key. Is it something I'm missing or not seeing?
A friend suggested that this is his way of re-trying the dating thing with me. Inviting me over for dinner. "Hey come over to my place"...almost like a sense of closure on his part ..on that part of his life. Living on his own for the very first time. Doing things by himself. And then he would come back.
I said that some people go from their mother's homes to their wives. Or fiance's But that's because they know they want to share their lives with that person.
We talked..I didn't dawdle on any of his answers, and was only grateful that he talked a bit.
He hates my brother.
Hates that his family never came over.
Hates that someone was always over. Meaning my family. But that was to see Jaiden. Perhaps it was too much for him
He hated the apartment. But that was on him. He never wanted to leave. He didn't want a bigger place. He wouldn't even make a move when I suggested a bigger place. Even to look.
But I moved the conversation along so he wouldn't feel the pressure of just one subject.
He said he wished I went out more. I said he complained about money so I didn't and the fact that he didn't spend any time with me was a big factor.
He said I was upset when he went out. I pointed out that the person he chose to go out with brought him back late, drunk and broke. And it took him years to even see that. They lied about going to strip clubs, drove around drunk off their asses, neither could drive well enough. And his friend had HIM spend his money. Never the other way around.
But I didn't linger on the subject of the conversation of his friends.
He said he still wanted to be married, kids, etc. I said when people say they want those things, they work towards it. I then asked him what were his priorities. He said "aside from trying to figure out how to pay everything, nothing."
I was shocked. He couldn't even say his daughter.
That's why he never showed up Thursday to see her like he said he would. And that's why he didn't call til almost 9pm Friday night to get her when he said it would be sooner. And that's why instead of 10amSaturday like he said he would, he didn't show up til almost 1.30pm because he said he overslept.
He doesn't have his priorities in order at all except to pay for things. And that's no kind of priority.
I'd been doing well with not calling him for a few weeks, or texting much or even first. He said I was pushing him away and removing myself. I said that it was what he asked for. Space. Time. So I stepped away. It's not like I ignored him completely. He said he reaches out to me, comes to me. I'm the only one he hugs the way he does. But he said "You'll always be in my life." and he doesn't get I don't want that role ..I don't want to be JUST the mother of his child. I want more. I know it and he does.
So here I was thinking I did what he asked, and I was wrong again.
I really wanted to say "Why would I call...what would I say? Except that I love you, I miss you and I want to be with you. We don't have anything else left!!"..but again. NO pressure.
I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be the ex, the mother of your child that you're on 'great terms with'. That's why I won't call..or text and be all friendly.
I don't want to be around at all if he's dating or being with other women. Which he says he doesn't want to. He said it's a 'complication he can do without'.
Yesterday I called to see if he was able to sleep, he was tired while we were there but refused to let me leave early. ..and I liked that. I liked being wanted. Needed. "No, stay with me, sleep with me, I don't want you to go."...those words felt right.
He said he was about to go into a conference call and would call me back after - and he did. He said he wanted my opinion about a coffee maker or tea-kettle. I said he should go based on his preference. On what he would use. He was leaning towards coffee-maker and I said ok. But he said "But what if you come over, I can make you tea." ....
I told him that he doesn't make tea for himself. And as great as the coffee maker sounded, he'd never use it. - And he wouldn't set the timer on the coffee maker, as appealing as he thought it was.
Then I told him that depending on the type, he'd have to get ground coffee, and filters and it would require maintenance - which he's far too lazy for.
And also he didn't have the money to spend. Then he realized, he didn't have a travel cup either.
So I said "Go with the kettle, two birds, one stone. You have instant coffee and you can make tea if you want. AND you can afford your cup too."
He said I was right.
But it's things like that - those words, those ..misleading thoughts that confuse me.
He includes me a little in his thoughts. Small ones.
Not big ones, not important ones.
We got off the phone and then I realized I hadn't said why I called. So I just texted it. "I initially called to hear your voice and tell you I love you." and put my phone on vibrate so I wouldn't be waiting on a response. But he did. He said "Yay." ..it made him "a little happy." <-- his words.
I prayed for Chris years ago. For him to be in my life and he was given.
And then taken away. And years later, returned. There has to be a greater reason why. And not just him, but a child by him.
I loved him so much.
I still love him so much and all I want is to have him back. With us in a greater, stronger and more reliable bond.
Not because I want it, but because we want it.
Give him the strength to want to work on us.
To want him to provide for his family.
To want to plan Sunday barbeque's instead of weekend bar binges.
To want to sleep in and have breakfast in bed instead of nursing a hangover.
To want to plan a movie night instead of losing yourself in a game for hours on the PC.
I want a life. I want a family. I want soccer practice and cheer leading ..stuff.
I don't want it perfect.
But I want it real, I want it fun.
I want Thursday night rum and cokes outside while idly talking about our next vacation.
Or planning another baby.
Planning our next move. Car purchase. A new hobby. A new trip.
I want other women to catch a glimpse of him and then me at his side ...just so I can smile with my eyes and say "Yeah...He's mine.." and I want him to feel the same about me.
I pray for him to ...want to share those things with me.
Please, let me be worth the risk to him, the fight to him...
.."I'm so in love with you."
He's got poor spending skills. Poor money management skills.
He invited me to see his place on Sunday and I went, mainly to pick my kid up. But he asked me to stay a while. Have dinner with him. I should have said no. But I didn't. I stayed, I enjoyed his company, his embrace, his kisses. *sigh*..this is why I can't let go. I fall into him every time because my heart only wants him. We just held each other, talked a little.
He said he was happy to be in his own place. He enjoyed that it was 'his'. He was happy to not be in his parents' house anymore. So he wouldn't have to listen to them and their comments about me. About being with me.
He was lonely. He missed me.
But he still didn't know if he wanted to spend his life with me.
Do I make him happy? Yes.
Is he happy with me? Yes.
Then what gives?
He also gave me a key to his apartment.
I've never dated much. I had a total of two loves in my life. And kissed just the same amount outside of those long term relationships. I don't understand why he would give me a key. Is it something I'm missing or not seeing?
A friend suggested that this is his way of re-trying the dating thing with me. Inviting me over for dinner. "Hey come over to my place"...almost like a sense of closure on his part ..on that part of his life. Living on his own for the very first time. Doing things by himself. And then he would come back.
I said that some people go from their mother's homes to their wives. Or fiance's But that's because they know they want to share their lives with that person.
We talked..I didn't dawdle on any of his answers, and was only grateful that he talked a bit.
He hates my brother.
Hates that his family never came over.
Hates that someone was always over. Meaning my family. But that was to see Jaiden. Perhaps it was too much for him
He hated the apartment. But that was on him. He never wanted to leave. He didn't want a bigger place. He wouldn't even make a move when I suggested a bigger place. Even to look.
But I moved the conversation along so he wouldn't feel the pressure of just one subject.
He said he wished I went out more. I said he complained about money so I didn't and the fact that he didn't spend any time with me was a big factor.
He said I was upset when he went out. I pointed out that the person he chose to go out with brought him back late, drunk and broke. And it took him years to even see that. They lied about going to strip clubs, drove around drunk off their asses, neither could drive well enough. And his friend had HIM spend his money. Never the other way around.
But I didn't linger on the subject of the conversation of his friends.
He said he still wanted to be married, kids, etc. I said when people say they want those things, they work towards it. I then asked him what were his priorities. He said "aside from trying to figure out how to pay everything, nothing."
I was shocked. He couldn't even say his daughter.
That's why he never showed up Thursday to see her like he said he would. And that's why he didn't call til almost 9pm Friday night to get her when he said it would be sooner. And that's why instead of 10amSaturday like he said he would, he didn't show up til almost 1.30pm because he said he overslept.
He doesn't have his priorities in order at all except to pay for things. And that's no kind of priority.
I'd been doing well with not calling him for a few weeks, or texting much or even first. He said I was pushing him away and removing myself. I said that it was what he asked for. Space. Time. So I stepped away. It's not like I ignored him completely. He said he reaches out to me, comes to me. I'm the only one he hugs the way he does. But he said "You'll always be in my life." and he doesn't get I don't want that role ..I don't want to be JUST the mother of his child. I want more. I know it and he does.
So here I was thinking I did what he asked, and I was wrong again.
I really wanted to say "Why would I call...what would I say? Except that I love you, I miss you and I want to be with you. We don't have anything else left!!"..but again. NO pressure.
I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be the ex, the mother of your child that you're on 'great terms with'. That's why I won't call..or text and be all friendly.
I don't want to be around at all if he's dating or being with other women. Which he says he doesn't want to. He said it's a 'complication he can do without'.
Yesterday I called to see if he was able to sleep, he was tired while we were there but refused to let me leave early. ..and I liked that. I liked being wanted. Needed. "No, stay with me, sleep with me, I don't want you to go."...those words felt right.
He said he was about to go into a conference call and would call me back after - and he did. He said he wanted my opinion about a coffee maker or tea-kettle. I said he should go based on his preference. On what he would use. He was leaning towards coffee-maker and I said ok. But he said "But what if you come over, I can make you tea." ....
I told him that he doesn't make tea for himself. And as great as the coffee maker sounded, he'd never use it. - And he wouldn't set the timer on the coffee maker, as appealing as he thought it was.
Then I told him that depending on the type, he'd have to get ground coffee, and filters and it would require maintenance - which he's far too lazy for.
And also he didn't have the money to spend. Then he realized, he didn't have a travel cup either.
So I said "Go with the kettle, two birds, one stone. You have instant coffee and you can make tea if you want. AND you can afford your cup too."
He said I was right.
But it's things like that - those words, those ..misleading thoughts that confuse me.
He includes me a little in his thoughts. Small ones.
Not big ones, not important ones.
We got off the phone and then I realized I hadn't said why I called. So I just texted it. "I initially called to hear your voice and tell you I love you." and put my phone on vibrate so I wouldn't be waiting on a response. But he did. He said "Yay." ..it made him "a little happy." <-- his words.
I prayed for Chris years ago. For him to be in my life and he was given.
And then taken away. And years later, returned. There has to be a greater reason why. And not just him, but a child by him.
I loved him so much.
I still love him so much and all I want is to have him back. With us in a greater, stronger and more reliable bond.
Not because I want it, but because we want it.
Give him the strength to want to work on us.
To want him to provide for his family.
To want to plan Sunday barbeque's instead of weekend bar binges.
To want to sleep in and have breakfast in bed instead of nursing a hangover.
To want to plan a movie night instead of losing yourself in a game for hours on the PC.
I want a life. I want a family. I want soccer practice and cheer leading ..stuff.
I don't want it perfect.
But I want it real, I want it fun.
I want Thursday night rum and cokes outside while idly talking about our next vacation.
Or planning another baby.
Planning our next move. Car purchase. A new hobby. A new trip.
I want other women to catch a glimpse of him and then me at his side ...just so I can smile with my eyes and say "Yeah...He's mine.." and I want him to feel the same about me.
I pray for him to ...want to share those things with me.
Please, let me be worth the risk to him, the fight to him...
.."I'm so in love with you."
Thursday, September 6, 2012
..more..
Last night he came to take the rest of his things to finalize his move into his own place. It was weird at first. His embrace, his kiss on my head. I couldn't look him in the eye just yet. It hurts. I'd cry. I let him spend time with Jaiden and then, he said he wanted me to see the place. He said he didn't know if that was weird to ask.
I smiled. I'm so weak.
I said I would if he wanted me to. I jokingly said I should have keys to his place. He said "Well, I have yours, so it's only fair. " and he took the keys out. But he didn't know which were which so he said he'd have them for me when I came over.
This will be his first weekend with her Every other weekend routine will start.
He said he likes where he is. It's new, it's spacious. Central air. I reminded him that the space comes from there being 1vs3 people living there.
I think he likes the freedom of it all. But I said nothing.
He said "I bought beer."
I said.."You don't drink beer."
.."Yeah I bought it for you incase you came over."...
I'm scared. But I don't know if I'm more scared of letting go or ..watching him be happy and move on. Or it's none of the above.
Every other weekend he'll pick her up Friday and drop her off for me on Sunday. I'd prefer it that way so I don't have to go there. I don't feel like I belong there. Maybe that's how he felt at first. But this is his journey. He has to decide on wanting the family he had or wanting the every other weekend deal.
I have to adjust my thought process.
But for yesterday, last night that is, I was glad. and I thanked God..
He still has a loving touch. When he reached for my hand. Kissed my cheek. He made me unbalanced but for a moment..he smiled and said " I make you weak in the knees.."...
I woke up today with only the thought that I love him still. I love him so.
I smiled. I'm so weak.
I said I would if he wanted me to. I jokingly said I should have keys to his place. He said "Well, I have yours, so it's only fair. " and he took the keys out. But he didn't know which were which so he said he'd have them for me when I came over.
This will be his first weekend with her Every other weekend routine will start.
He said he likes where he is. It's new, it's spacious. Central air. I reminded him that the space comes from there being 1vs3 people living there.
I think he likes the freedom of it all. But I said nothing.
He said "I bought beer."
I said.."You don't drink beer."
.."Yeah I bought it for you incase you came over."...
I'm scared. But I don't know if I'm more scared of letting go or ..watching him be happy and move on. Or it's none of the above.
Every other weekend he'll pick her up Friday and drop her off for me on Sunday. I'd prefer it that way so I don't have to go there. I don't feel like I belong there. Maybe that's how he felt at first. But this is his journey. He has to decide on wanting the family he had or wanting the every other weekend deal.
I have to adjust my thought process.
But for yesterday, last night that is, I was glad. and I thanked God..
He still has a loving touch. When he reached for my hand. Kissed my cheek. He made me unbalanced but for a moment..he smiled and said " I make you weak in the knees.."...
I woke up today with only the thought that I love him still. I love him so.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
In an uncertain state of mind.
My stomach is in knots. I re-arranged the bedroom last night, and bagged half of his clothes that was left behind. Today after my early morning shift, I came home and stated boxing the stuff off his desk. It's killing me, accepting the end. After I cleared his desk, my daughter walks in and said "Mommy, you need to put daddy's Optimus back on the desk. Because it's his..for when he comes home."...and now I'm in tears. I said "but daddy's not here, baby.." she said "..he'll come back..". and I said I would.
I kept asking for guidance, strength, to show him his way back if he's meant to be with us.
..but I don't think he will.
I kept asking for guidance, strength, to show him his way back if he's meant to be with us.
..but I don't think he will.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Brain locked
I'm trying so hard to not think. Not question. Just let it be. My spurts of depressing are disheartening. I'm better than this. He doesn't care. Why should I, at all?
I found my old jourNal tonight. I sat and read the random entries. I'd written a letter to Jaiden too. Telling her she makes me happy. Telling her she would always have me. The same agony I had then, his absence, his fear. His not caring. Here it is again.
I found 1 entry of me begging myself to be good enough for him, for his love.
I've been vying for his love... For years. And I still don't have it. It's time I let go. Let go of someone who doesn't want me and will never. Someone I never had. Despite his letter, his "I want space to choose you. I need to know where I belong"...
Fact is, it was never me.
Surrendering is hard now.
Sent from my iPhone
I found my old jourNal tonight. I sat and read the random entries. I'd written a letter to Jaiden too. Telling her she makes me happy. Telling her she would always have me. The same agony I had then, his absence, his fear. His not caring. Here it is again.
I found 1 entry of me begging myself to be good enough for him, for his love.
I've been vying for his love... For years. And I still don't have it. It's time I let go. Let go of someone who doesn't want me and will never. Someone I never had. Despite his letter, his "I want space to choose you. I need to know where I belong"...
Fact is, it was never me.
Surrendering is hard now.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, September 3, 2012
Dear ..someone
...anyone out there. Maybe I mean you, God. Maybe I mean me. Maybe I mean both of us. I'm sad. I'm not sad because I have no money. I'm not sad about anything except that I'm sad. All my life, I played by the rules. I never lie. I never cheat. I don't steal. I give. Overly so. I give til I have nothing else to give.
I'm sad I always played fair. And one of the few things I wanted in life, I couldn't have.
I wanted my car. I have it.
Wanted my own place. Have it.
Wanted a job. My child. Have it.
Wanted his love. I don't have it.
And everything that goes with having his love.
I know it's not me. I'm not the reason he's gone. I know he needs space. I know it takes time.
But the more time that goes by, the less I reach, the less I do and say, he drifts further and further away.
No phone calls. No texts. Well none of concern or longing ...
But now he has his own place. His own apartment.
I started taking his pictures down. I removed him from my phone. But I haven't stopped crying every single day.
I'm a hermit. I go out to work and lay in bed 80% of the time that I'm home. I'm a withdrawn mother. And I hate myself.
I go to work at 430am and come back tired and cranky. And I go back at 3-9 give or take a 30 minutes here or there.
Why ...
Half the time I'm alone I wish I was dead. I wish Jaiden and I weren't here. I wish we'd lay in bed, close our eyes and not wake up. And that's selfish. Because no mother should feel that way. But he doesn't deserve her.
Dear god. I'm losing myself. The harder i try the worse it gets. All my efforts are for naught. Please help me. Somehow ... I can't keep going in like this. I cry all the time. I hate this life. I hate this pain. I hate the person I am. My daughter deserves so much more. I don't even care about me anymore. I just....
Why...did you bring hi back just totals him away again? I don't understand. If he's not for me, why'd he come back a second time. I let go the first time. And even that break up didn't hurt.
And him!! 5 years later and he's still in love with me.
He wants me back. He said if he leaves his girlfriend now, due to their own issues, he'd like to know he has a friend in me. But if there were feelings, we'd be ring shopping. Giving Jaiden another sibling.
But.....I don't want him. I don't love him or want marriage or kids with him. He loves Jaiden so much.
I told him I don't want to waste my years on no decision. I need someone who can lead. Take charge. Amongst other things. He said he didn't want to live with anyone til he was married. Til it had a label. He didn't mind being label-less. I said I needed the label. I spent 5 years in limbo with no label. He was quick to say "with you it's friends or we are ring shopping".
I admire his inadvertent trying.
But it'll never happen. I'll stay alone. He's so sweet. But. No.
I just wish I understood why I got 2 chances with Chris. He was all I wanted. And I was ok losing him once. I was ok being his friend. Watching him with other girls. Why give me his love, his child, to just....watch it go and have my heart shatter.
I'm sad I always played fair. And one of the few things I wanted in life, I couldn't have.
I wanted my car. I have it.
Wanted my own place. Have it.
Wanted a job. My child. Have it.
Wanted his love. I don't have it.
And everything that goes with having his love.
I know it's not me. I'm not the reason he's gone. I know he needs space. I know it takes time.
But the more time that goes by, the less I reach, the less I do and say, he drifts further and further away.
No phone calls. No texts. Well none of concern or longing ...
But now he has his own place. His own apartment.
I started taking his pictures down. I removed him from my phone. But I haven't stopped crying every single day.
I'm a hermit. I go out to work and lay in bed 80% of the time that I'm home. I'm a withdrawn mother. And I hate myself.
I go to work at 430am and come back tired and cranky. And I go back at 3-9 give or take a 30 minutes here or there.
Why ...
Half the time I'm alone I wish I was dead. I wish Jaiden and I weren't here. I wish we'd lay in bed, close our eyes and not wake up. And that's selfish. Because no mother should feel that way. But he doesn't deserve her.
Dear god. I'm losing myself. The harder i try the worse it gets. All my efforts are for naught. Please help me. Somehow ... I can't keep going in like this. I cry all the time. I hate this life. I hate this pain. I hate the person I am. My daughter deserves so much more. I don't even care about me anymore. I just....
Why...did you bring hi back just totals him away again? I don't understand. If he's not for me, why'd he come back a second time. I let go the first time. And even that break up didn't hurt.
And him!! 5 years later and he's still in love with me.
He wants me back. He said if he leaves his girlfriend now, due to their own issues, he'd like to know he has a friend in me. But if there were feelings, we'd be ring shopping. Giving Jaiden another sibling.
But.....I don't want him. I don't love him or want marriage or kids with him. He loves Jaiden so much.
I told him I don't want to waste my years on no decision. I need someone who can lead. Take charge. Amongst other things. He said he didn't want to live with anyone til he was married. Til it had a label. He didn't mind being label-less. I said I needed the label. I spent 5 years in limbo with no label. He was quick to say "with you it's friends or we are ring shopping".
I admire his inadvertent trying.
But it'll never happen. I'll stay alone. He's so sweet. But. No.
I just wish I understood why I got 2 chances with Chris. He was all I wanted. And I was ok losing him once. I was ok being his friend. Watching him with other girls. Why give me his love, his child, to just....watch it go and have my heart shatter.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
To say
I'm dying to tell you I love you. To text you and tell you you should be here instead. Even ask if you moved. Signed your lease. But I don't want to pry. I figure if you had you would have told me? You texted me this morning to say you think your cat died. I said I was sorry and that was that.
Tonight you told me I could keep the tv and stand. It was up to me when and if I wanted to return it. It made me think your mom bought you a new one for your new place.
And that made me sad.
They're going to give you everything we didn't have. Everything we struggled for. Everything I wanted and you didn't bother to try to get.
I wish you'd be honest with me.
I wish you'd love me.
I wish you were here.
Sent from my iPhone
Tonight you told me I could keep the tv and stand. It was up to me when and if I wanted to return it. It made me think your mom bought you a new one for your new place.
And that made me sad.
They're going to give you everything we didn't have. Everything we struggled for. Everything I wanted and you didn't bother to try to get.
I wish you'd be honest with me.
I wish you'd love me.
I wish you were here.
Sent from my iPhone
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