Sometimes that's how life feels. it's as if this person I stare at is completely different. Or perhaps I'm just learning my way around him. I'm not a person born from greed or desire, or even malice. I am, however, filled with want, need. A need to be taken care of, to be protected, thought of and perhaps, lusted after. O.o maybe that sounds wrong. But it's in the back of my mind every now and then, which is why I ..if even momentarily, revel in the fact that someone else wants (as loosely as that might be) me, Chris notices, AND that it bothered/bothers him enough to mention.
But then, I look back and I see pictures or videos and I see the date and I recall a time when this same person sitting before me was as nice, and sometimes sweet but mostly, going through the motions of being because it seemed like the 'right thing to do'. And in the back of their mind, in the depths of their deepest, darkest nook of their hearts, this isn't where they wanted to be, and I wasn't who they wanted to be with. And it drove me crazy. THAT thought drove me to instant sadness.
The same smile. the same ...'kindness' was there. And I thought it was genuine. But as time withered by, I learned through harsh words, bitter reasoning and unprompted truths, that I was wrong. Very wrong.
"So hard to see, that a woman like you could wait around for a man like me.."...it seems so fitting now that I hear it in melody, such simplistic lyrics. Such truth. They say 'Life can be found in any song..' ..or that just might be me.
There are some days that I find the person next to be someone I never knew. Because his words sound and feel as genuine as if they've been spoken to me for the first time and could be no less than the truth. The person next to me feels nothing but honesty in what they're telling me, showing me ..because it's real. A touch, a smile, a kiss, a simple "I love you."...sometimes I'm just ...lost in the truth of it. Or is that just my ..naive-ness, my...want and nothing more. I want it to be true to the word, honest to the thought, and real to the action.
..Sometimes it just feels like it's another lifetime I'm standing in. Because in reality, a reality I know now, the one I've become accoustumed to..it just..It has to be something other than.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
I know she's doing it to ..
..piss me off. I've said it before. I'll say it again until the day she proves me wrong. Even my parents, who are very understanding in the many arenas of this.
The fact that Thanksgiving is coming up has all but NOTHING to do with the fact that my faux-mother-in-law just makes it her...goal when she knows the plan...to fuck with my head, and to piss me off.
Here's how it all went down. I've known for about a month and a half that I'd be working on Thanksgiving morning. I'd also known that my parents would both be working from 11pm that night into Black Friday morning. So the PLAN WAS to go to work, go to my parents for the lunch type deal and then to Chris' parents home for the dinner type deal. That way my parents can see us, Jaiden and then after we've gone, have some time to themselves to gather their bearings to get ready for work that night. That wayyyy Chris can see his folks for a tad longer, they can see Jaiden and we can chuck her in the tub when we bring her home so she's not all itcy and super uncomfortable.
I'd see his parents just a few days ago and told her FACE TO FACE what the plan was, and she was most agreeable. Even said it works out best that way because they like to 'do things late anyways.'...So I felt that the plan worked out well in everyone's favor.
Well HA HA. POO POO ON ME.
the SAME night of the day I saw her, I texted to ask if she wanted me to bring a pie to dinner for dessert. She suggested cookies since they were good on pies. Cool! Plan unfolding well. AND THEN...
Do you know that BITCH texts me the next morning and says she's going to have dinner at 3pm Thanksgiving day because her son and his gf. has to work?
OMG I flipped my wig. Privately.
I showed Chris the text and he blew it off. As in "Forget her" type deal. I mean, seriously though? Is she doing it to get under my skin so that I literally lose it on her and blow my top?
Kinda like the last time I saw her and she made me feel like I needed an invitation directly from her to come over even though Chris and Jaiden was there and I was getting out of work. Chris told me to come there instead of going home and them just meeting me thereafter. "You never told me Mindy was coming.." meanwhile I'm sitting RIGHT THERE as she's INSISTING she wasn't told I'd be there after work.
The woman is either trying to test me or just daft-minded. And I'm trying hard to believe it's the latter regardless of her being far from dumb. But if it's the first she's in for it.
The fact that Thanksgiving is coming up has all but NOTHING to do with the fact that my faux-mother-in-law just makes it her...goal when she knows the plan...to fuck with my head, and to piss me off.
Here's how it all went down. I've known for about a month and a half that I'd be working on Thanksgiving morning. I'd also known that my parents would both be working from 11pm that night into Black Friday morning. So the PLAN WAS to go to work, go to my parents for the lunch type deal and then to Chris' parents home for the dinner type deal. That way my parents can see us, Jaiden and then after we've gone, have some time to themselves to gather their bearings to get ready for work that night. That wayyyy Chris can see his folks for a tad longer, they can see Jaiden and we can chuck her in the tub when we bring her home so she's not all itcy and super uncomfortable.
I'd see his parents just a few days ago and told her FACE TO FACE what the plan was, and she was most agreeable. Even said it works out best that way because they like to 'do things late anyways.'...So I felt that the plan worked out well in everyone's favor.
Well HA HA. POO POO ON ME.
the SAME night of the day I saw her, I texted to ask if she wanted me to bring a pie to dinner for dessert. She suggested cookies since they were good on pies. Cool! Plan unfolding well. AND THEN...
Do you know that BITCH texts me the next morning and says she's going to have dinner at 3pm Thanksgiving day because her son and his gf. has to work?
OMG I flipped my wig. Privately.
I showed Chris the text and he blew it off. As in "Forget her" type deal. I mean, seriously though? Is she doing it to get under my skin so that I literally lose it on her and blow my top?
Kinda like the last time I saw her and she made me feel like I needed an invitation directly from her to come over even though Chris and Jaiden was there and I was getting out of work. Chris told me to come there instead of going home and them just meeting me thereafter. "You never told me Mindy was coming.." meanwhile I'm sitting RIGHT THERE as she's INSISTING she wasn't told I'd be there after work.
The woman is either trying to test me or just daft-minded. And I'm trying hard to believe it's the latter regardless of her being far from dumb. But if it's the first she's in for it.
I'm still alright to smile
..a line off a GnR song that I was thinking about last night. I started with just the title because I had a mindblock for what I wanted to say, or how I wanted to say it. After I helped my parents with some stuff this morning I went to work, had a long day on my own, came back home, picked my daughter up, who wasn't feeling well, and brought her home.
My parents looked so tired but so happy to be with her, as they always are. She had been running a fever for the day and refused to eat, or drink much of anything. I was concerned and sad while at work. I didn't like being away from her when she's not well. But I knew she was in great hands, not just good ones.
The highlight of my day? After a very long evening, with Chris working late, and my daughter now home with me, I sat down with her, after getting her to go potty which she refused to go all day, got her to eat a whole chicken leg. Drink so milk, some juice and dance a bit. I was so proud of her. I know she was hungry. And I was so glad she finally sat down to eat. The downside to this story was yesterday when I left her home with Chris, I made lunch for them both before I left. I told him, he couldn't sit down in front the game if he wanted her to eat. He said he understood. I had returned home 5 hours later, the plate in the same spot I'd left it in, almost still full.
My parents looked so tired but so happy to be with her, as they always are. She had been running a fever for the day and refused to eat, or drink much of anything. I was concerned and sad while at work. I didn't like being away from her when she's not well. But I knew she was in great hands, not just good ones.
The highlight of my day? After a very long evening, with Chris working late, and my daughter now home with me, I sat down with her, after getting her to go potty which she refused to go all day, got her to eat a whole chicken leg. Drink so milk, some juice and dance a bit. I was so proud of her. I know she was hungry. And I was so glad she finally sat down to eat. The downside to this story was yesterday when I left her home with Chris, I made lunch for them both before I left. I told him, he couldn't sit down in front the game if he wanted her to eat. He said he understood. I had returned home 5 hours later, the plate in the same spot I'd left it in, almost still full.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I like when Jealousy rings my bell
For some women, their men are so caught up in being men that they forget how to show their sensitive sides. The sides that a woman should not always want to see but like to see every once in a while. Part of that sensitivity should be a little jealously. I used to hate that trait in a person, more so myself but privately, secretly, I've been a territorial person. A secret-jealous rager. Lol. A few posts before I'd mentioned my co-worker Kyle and his meeting Chris. And then, Chris' deduction of Kyle. The fact that I had a fan-club. Which I thought was bloody hysterical. Nonetheless. Monday nights are the only guaranteed nights I actually work with Kyle. And that only started perhaps, 3 weeks ago. Before then it was on a Friday. And that was random because it was an open hours slot that anyone could have with me. I was the only set person to work, so anyone who needed hours had Fridays 5-8. So sometimes, Kyle would be there. Well, last Friday I believe it was, just before I went to work, Chris calls me, we talk and at the end when he asks if I'm going to work, I said yes, and he replies "Send my regards to Kyle." I laughed, but Kyle didn't work that day. Monday, he did. And Chris knows.
Now, Chris NEVER calls me if I'm at work. He'd quicker text. Mondays' one of my shorter days as it's only 3 hours instead of 4. Before I'd left home, Chris said he'd give Jaiden a bath so I didn't need to before I left. at 6pm he calls me up and asks "Did you give Jaiden a bath?" - if you could imagine the look on my face as he heard Kyle's voice in the back as I said "No, you said you would, so I hadn't." ..."Oh..ok, hang on while I chuck her in.."....I was beyond myself and wanted to snicker...
Why was he keeping me on the phone while putting her in the bath ...and heard him in the background. Oh I KNEW WHY!! and I loved it. It makes a person feel good knowing that they're 'wanted' but desired by another. Who's to say if there's any TRUE desire there but who cares. It got a rise out of Chris for him to act, to have his proverbial arm raise and lay claim around me, as another looked on in momentary dismay.
AND for the first time, Kyle and I exchanged more than just a few words while working, that Monday. Although, he did ask "Is your boyfriend Jaiden's father?" to which I replied "Yes.." but I found it strange that he would ask that. He seemed fond of her and was glad that she seemed happy when she's there. He even suggested, though I didn't mention this at all when I got home, that I take Jaiden 2 balloons ..which he tied to my purse.
Maybe I am blind in the fact that I can't see the attraction ..maybe I emphasis too much on the age difference between us to acknowledge it. I..honestly, don't know.
Now, Chris NEVER calls me if I'm at work. He'd quicker text. Mondays' one of my shorter days as it's only 3 hours instead of 4. Before I'd left home, Chris said he'd give Jaiden a bath so I didn't need to before I left. at 6pm he calls me up and asks "Did you give Jaiden a bath?" - if you could imagine the look on my face as he heard Kyle's voice in the back as I said "No, you said you would, so I hadn't." ..."Oh..ok, hang on while I chuck her in.."....I was beyond myself and wanted to snicker...
Why was he keeping me on the phone while putting her in the bath ...and heard him in the background. Oh I KNEW WHY!! and I loved it. It makes a person feel good knowing that they're 'wanted' but desired by another. Who's to say if there's any TRUE desire there but who cares. It got a rise out of Chris for him to act, to have his proverbial arm raise and lay claim around me, as another looked on in momentary dismay.
AND for the first time, Kyle and I exchanged more than just a few words while working, that Monday. Although, he did ask "Is your boyfriend Jaiden's father?" to which I replied "Yes.." but I found it strange that he would ask that. He seemed fond of her and was glad that she seemed happy when she's there. He even suggested, though I didn't mention this at all when I got home, that I take Jaiden 2 balloons ..which he tied to my purse.
Maybe I am blind in the fact that I can't see the attraction ..maybe I emphasis too much on the age difference between us to acknowledge it. I..honestly, don't know.
Minor details
I guess that's all I have now. things seem to be *knock on wood* rolling along rather smoothly lately. No nit picking, no unwarrented angers, aside from the BUSTED moment which came and went quickly. Just...minor details of things to be done to progress forward. I didn't state that his parents were helping us look for a house. What does that mean? That means, his parents want to buy us a house and put us in it. And we take over the payments on it. So....In Mindy-land? I can't do it. I've done it before. i placed my faith in someone else. i gave up my apartment, I lost my deposit and I moved in with someone else who's mommy bought him the house and I overlooked the fact that my name wasn't on the lease because I went with the kind heart and stupid mind that "I'll never kick you out, this is for you both" windbag-excuse. NEVER AGAIN.
Chris said he'd told his mother that we're putting it off til April, but that means we have to re-sign (meaning me) the lease and be here for another year. On a personal note, I need to know before hand what decisions are being made. I'll never (as much as I care for and Love Chris) move into a house that 1. Doesn't have my name somewhere in the paperwork since I'll be handling all the financial aspects of the home and 2. We aren't married or engaged to be married in the near future. I don't care WHAT his parents have to say. And she's said the same drivel my ex's mom did the first time they brought this up. "Oh I'll never kick you out, you have my grand daughter, if anything Chris can move back home" but that entails NOTHING. If I stay then I can't maintain the bills for the house on my own. And I'll be dumb and damned to stay and let them foot it all with their son sitting at home. It's too many lose ends to tie, too many questions with no answers. Too much to speculate about at this juncture in time.
My 'demands' are small but firm. Married. And Name on lease. If something should happen in the future then we'll take it on but I need to be assured in SOME way I won't be homeless for whatever the reason. I did however express to Chris that if we're to move things along, he better get on it.
"What do you want for Christmas?"...
"Just one piece of jewelry that I don't have.." ...
"A ring?" ..
"That's right. "
"But you can't open that on Christmas day.."
"I don't care.. I want direction."
...and I let it go since then. Never brought it up again, and I might not til sometime in the future months. At least before my lease is due to be signed. These are the things, the BIG things, the decisions that make a life. That create a future. Not money, not what games we play, nothing like that. These decisions that carve our direction. And if it's not part of his plan, that's ok. I'll be on my merry way after I give up my apartment and get my money back.
No hard feelings. No anger, slight resent that may vanish with time. But I'm not wasting much more time. My daughter's getting older and we need a more stable person in our lives if it's not him. He'll always be Daddy now...
And a figment of my past. A minor detail for the rest of my life as it will come to stand when the time comes to choose. Just another...minor detail.
Chris said he'd told his mother that we're putting it off til April, but that means we have to re-sign (meaning me) the lease and be here for another year. On a personal note, I need to know before hand what decisions are being made. I'll never (as much as I care for and Love Chris) move into a house that 1. Doesn't have my name somewhere in the paperwork since I'll be handling all the financial aspects of the home and 2. We aren't married or engaged to be married in the near future. I don't care WHAT his parents have to say. And she's said the same drivel my ex's mom did the first time they brought this up. "Oh I'll never kick you out, you have my grand daughter, if anything Chris can move back home" but that entails NOTHING. If I stay then I can't maintain the bills for the house on my own. And I'll be dumb and damned to stay and let them foot it all with their son sitting at home. It's too many lose ends to tie, too many questions with no answers. Too much to speculate about at this juncture in time.
My 'demands' are small but firm. Married. And Name on lease. If something should happen in the future then we'll take it on but I need to be assured in SOME way I won't be homeless for whatever the reason. I did however express to Chris that if we're to move things along, he better get on it.
"What do you want for Christmas?"...
"Just one piece of jewelry that I don't have.." ...
"A ring?" ..
"That's right. "
"But you can't open that on Christmas day.."
"I don't care.. I want direction."
...and I let it go since then. Never brought it up again, and I might not til sometime in the future months. At least before my lease is due to be signed. These are the things, the BIG things, the decisions that make a life. That create a future. Not money, not what games we play, nothing like that. These decisions that carve our direction. And if it's not part of his plan, that's ok. I'll be on my merry way after I give up my apartment and get my money back.
No hard feelings. No anger, slight resent that may vanish with time. But I'm not wasting much more time. My daughter's getting older and we need a more stable person in our lives if it's not him. He'll always be Daddy now...
And a figment of my past. A minor detail for the rest of my life as it will come to stand when the time comes to choose. Just another...minor detail.
In ever window...
Something can be seen. I will never forget that as long as I live. Walls will never be thick enough, doors will never be tight enough. The past few weeks have been busy ones for me. I've gained a couple extra hours at work and with the fact of changing the computer settings and not seeing if/when Chris has gandered onto any not too lovely websites have made not being home that much easier. not wondering what he's doing or not verifying what he is doing had made things so much simpler to me. I'm not..bothered by it anymore because as I said; if I can't see it I can't prove it's there regardless of my knowing he does it. I won't know when. And I won't care..
BUT sometime last week, I think it was Thursday; I was being picked up from work and being brought home by my dad. I get out of work at 8. By the time I pick Jaiden up from my parents, because Chris won't or can't, it's 8.30. Now that night he was either late or later than expected. In the car we made the corner about to do the U turn to get a parking spot. I saw the computer screen from the car in the street. Plain as day with the curtain half drawn, raw lesbian porn. >.< a part of me just died inside. Car parked, I tried to head off my Dad by getting to the window first...Hoping he would hear me from inside I said "Really?" loud enough. The image on the screen closed and then suddenly reopened. Seeing the screen STILL from where I stood and what was on the screen...KNOWING my father had seen it as well...I knocked on the window. BAM. it closed and he flew off the seat. The door wide open, Chris, a-fluster, completely shocked, red as a tomato, and most certainly busted, gave NO eye-contact to either me or my father. Knelt right down to Jaiden, and ignored the fact that he was just caught by not only me, but by another. He was so caught up in trying to get coherent words out to Jaiden and failing, so it just sounded like sputtering words a-random.
My Dad laughed ..and usually he comes in with us, to say goodbye to Jaiden. That night he just reached in and shook Chris' hand and left. "You do know you can see the screen from the street right?" - it was all I could say as we made our way in. I wasn't embarrassed because my father saw or even that he was caught. I was more...upset. "I do now....eh, It's been a long day.."I tried to let it go and it was slowly working. "Well at least I know what you do when I'm not home. " I tried to make light of the situation..but I felt myself just shivering as if I wad cold, uncontrollably "Only sometimes." perhaps it was the truth, perhaps it wasn't. But I agreed to disagree with myself, give him a hug and move on ...
In every window...there's no telling who can see what. In every room, there's no telling who can hear you next door. And sometimes, you just don't care. But most times, you can't help BUT care.
BUT sometime last week, I think it was Thursday; I was being picked up from work and being brought home by my dad. I get out of work at 8. By the time I pick Jaiden up from my parents, because Chris won't or can't, it's 8.30. Now that night he was either late or later than expected. In the car we made the corner about to do the U turn to get a parking spot. I saw the computer screen from the car in the street. Plain as day with the curtain half drawn, raw lesbian porn. >.< a part of me just died inside. Car parked, I tried to head off my Dad by getting to the window first...Hoping he would hear me from inside I said "Really?" loud enough. The image on the screen closed and then suddenly reopened. Seeing the screen STILL from where I stood and what was on the screen...KNOWING my father had seen it as well...I knocked on the window. BAM. it closed and he flew off the seat. The door wide open, Chris, a-fluster, completely shocked, red as a tomato, and most certainly busted, gave NO eye-contact to either me or my father. Knelt right down to Jaiden, and ignored the fact that he was just caught by not only me, but by another. He was so caught up in trying to get coherent words out to Jaiden and failing, so it just sounded like sputtering words a-random.
My Dad laughed ..and usually he comes in with us, to say goodbye to Jaiden. That night he just reached in and shook Chris' hand and left. "You do know you can see the screen from the street right?" - it was all I could say as we made our way in. I wasn't embarrassed because my father saw or even that he was caught. I was more...upset. "I do now....eh, It's been a long day.."I tried to let it go and it was slowly working. "Well at least I know what you do when I'm not home. " I tried to make light of the situation..but I felt myself just shivering as if I wad cold, uncontrollably "Only sometimes." perhaps it was the truth, perhaps it wasn't. But I agreed to disagree with myself, give him a hug and move on ...
In every window...there's no telling who can see what. In every room, there's no telling who can hear you next door. And sometimes, you just don't care. But most times, you can't help BUT care.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Mindy has a fan-club
Those were Chris' words to me this morning as he came to bed. I was partially awake when he started talking, but I heard every word as if I was bright eyed and bushy tailed.
We had to dress up for work last night, and there was a small parade for the kids at the gym between 5-8. Seeing as how the part Chris and I were to attend on Saturday was a bust - meaning, there was no baby sitter available (my parents were busy with their own plans, jaiden would not stay with his parents.), and there was a snow storm that night, he ended up going alone with no costume. I didn't mind seeing as how I was tired and it was his friend (one of the few he still had).
_Sidetrack comment_
He did however piss me off slightly because he left for the party late, which I didn't care, but as he was leaving he said he would be back in 30 minutes. 9.30..10pm...11pm..11.30 - There was a State of Emergency declared for Jersey because of the storm, and the roads were bad. I was only concerned because half hour had turned into almost 3 hours. His friend didn't live far but with the weather, I called. He said that he was a big boy and could handle himself. I let him know that's not why I called. I just wanted to be sure he was safe. AND I knew he would drink so it didn't help the issue.He blew it completely out of proportion and we were disconnected. He thought I hung up on him, which I hadn't. It's something I hate being done to me so I would never do it to someone else, moreso him. He got home after midnight and I still wasn't mad, gave him a hug and told him so. I just wanted to know he was safe. That's all.
AND when I called his friend's phone, his friend said he wasn't there. AT THAT moment, he called me ad said he was. So, same party and conflicting stories. ...Caused a small snaffu. His friend did call back to apologize for the misinformation though.
_END COMMENT_
So last night Chris came in costume to my job for the first time and he was introduced to every one. Including my male co-worker, Kyle. Kyle is a young guy, about 22, I believe. Very smart. He's worked there for a number of years with a desire to become a trainer. Now, I don't know why Chris felt the need to tell me, but he did, he said
Chris:" That guy you work with has a thing for you"
Me: "Who? Kyle?"
Chris: "Yeah him.."
Me: "No he doesn't, he's a child, prolly barely 21, I've got almost 10 years on him? What makes you say that."
Chris: "When he walked in and saw us he made every attempt to avoid being introduced to me and after that his whole attitude changed. And you realize you look barely 21, too, right?"
Me:" Haha..that's funny"
Chris:" And he couldn't stop looking at you, making oogle eyes" (I assumed this is was he was saying, he tends to mumble from time to time.)
Me:"I don't know..I talk about you all the time.."
Chris: "That's why...Mindy's got a fan-club"
Me:"1 person isn't a fan club."
Chris: "Two..."
A few days ago I asked him from a guy's point of view, would he, if he dropped something in front of a girl and it was just them two in the room while talking, would he bend at the knees or bend over? He stated he'd bend at the knees. This instance had happened to me the night before. Just myself and another co-worker from another department in the gym. He dropped his pen and bent over to get it instead of bending at the knees. I just found it strange and it 'bothered' me enough to ask if it was something a guy would do intentionally. Or maybe he's absent minded?
The guy's not ugly and I'm sure I'm older than he..but still.
It was a twist for Chris to notice another male on the prowl and to verbalize that he noticed it. Perhaps just a hint of jealousy? Mm...I'm sorry but that was a little bit of a turn on. Thank you God for bringing me a good few weeks and this wave of mystery into my life. I look forward to more.
We had to dress up for work last night, and there was a small parade for the kids at the gym between 5-8. Seeing as how the part Chris and I were to attend on Saturday was a bust - meaning, there was no baby sitter available (my parents were busy with their own plans, jaiden would not stay with his parents.), and there was a snow storm that night, he ended up going alone with no costume. I didn't mind seeing as how I was tired and it was his friend (one of the few he still had).
_Sidetrack comment_
He did however piss me off slightly because he left for the party late, which I didn't care, but as he was leaving he said he would be back in 30 minutes. 9.30..10pm...11pm..11.30 - There was a State of Emergency declared for Jersey because of the storm, and the roads were bad. I was only concerned because half hour had turned into almost 3 hours. His friend didn't live far but with the weather, I called. He said that he was a big boy and could handle himself. I let him know that's not why I called. I just wanted to be sure he was safe. AND I knew he would drink so it didn't help the issue.He blew it completely out of proportion and we were disconnected. He thought I hung up on him, which I hadn't. It's something I hate being done to me so I would never do it to someone else, moreso him. He got home after midnight and I still wasn't mad, gave him a hug and told him so. I just wanted to know he was safe. That's all.
AND when I called his friend's phone, his friend said he wasn't there. AT THAT moment, he called me ad said he was. So, same party and conflicting stories. ...Caused a small snaffu. His friend did call back to apologize for the misinformation though.
_END COMMENT_
So last night Chris came in costume to my job for the first time and he was introduced to every one. Including my male co-worker, Kyle. Kyle is a young guy, about 22, I believe. Very smart. He's worked there for a number of years with a desire to become a trainer. Now, I don't know why Chris felt the need to tell me, but he did, he said
Chris:" That guy you work with has a thing for you"
Me: "Who? Kyle?"
Chris: "Yeah him.."
Me: "No he doesn't, he's a child, prolly barely 21, I've got almost 10 years on him? What makes you say that."
Chris: "When he walked in and saw us he made every attempt to avoid being introduced to me and after that his whole attitude changed. And you realize you look barely 21, too, right?"
Me:" Haha..that's funny"
Chris:" And he couldn't stop looking at you, making oogle eyes" (I assumed this is was he was saying, he tends to mumble from time to time.)
Me:"I don't know..I talk about you all the time.."
Chris: "That's why...Mindy's got a fan-club"
Me:"1 person isn't a fan club."
Chris: "Two..."
A few days ago I asked him from a guy's point of view, would he, if he dropped something in front of a girl and it was just them two in the room while talking, would he bend at the knees or bend over? He stated he'd bend at the knees. This instance had happened to me the night before. Just myself and another co-worker from another department in the gym. He dropped his pen and bent over to get it instead of bending at the knees. I just found it strange and it 'bothered' me enough to ask if it was something a guy would do intentionally. Or maybe he's absent minded?
The guy's not ugly and I'm sure I'm older than he..but still.
It was a twist for Chris to notice another male on the prowl and to verbalize that he noticed it. Perhaps just a hint of jealousy? Mm...I'm sorry but that was a little bit of a turn on. Thank you God for bringing me a good few weeks and this wave of mystery into my life. I look forward to more.
Walter Pt 2.
I'd written about this person in some form before.The one who couldn't be a mutual friend to both Chris and I so he lied to us both (but I was the only one smart enough to figure it out and follow through like a damn bloodhound). It had been perhaps, another year in passing since I'd known Walter. And a few days ago...maybe a bit longer, but time isn't the issue, he'd sent me a friend request via FaceBook. I stared at it long and hard, even let a day or two go between deciding to accept or deny it. I did neither but sent him a message with the word 'Really?' in it.
This is what ensued.
Sent from my iPhone
This is what ensued.
November 4, 2010Walt Seaman- Just so you don't think I was LYING to you, no I never ended up leaving for reasons unannounced.
October 19Mindy Mohammed- really?
- October 19Walt Seaman
- Sure why not.
- October 19Mindy Mohammed
- Better question..Why?
- October 19Walt Seaman
- well....its been about a year, so I sort of figured both sides would have come to a cease fire of sorts, secondly, Idk, in hindsight all the arguing and drama was incredibly stupid and not worth losing good friends over, and thirdly, lifes too short, I just got back home on the 8th from Knox and well, Im not taking things for granted anymore.
- October 19Mindy Mohammed
- Ah.
- October 19Walt Seaman
- Ya.
- October 19Mindy Mohammed
- I mean, you're right it's been a while, I'm all for ending the animosoty but I don't quite understand what you being gone and back from 'knox' has to do with anything. We've been at this crossroads before...numerous times actually. I don't know what good could come from it if it's only been bad, ya know?
- October 19Mindy Mohammed
- *animosity (I can spell)
- October 19Walt Seaman
- I agree and fair enough, i see your point. Well long story short, the whole trip to knox was a wake up call...I pretty was pretty much treated like a criminal until they realized it was a bit of a mistake, but in that time I realized pretty much everything that I had taken for granted and what not...I mean it really is a wake up call when they told me basically that there was a chance that my freedom was in jeoprody....and that changed how I viewed and treated a lot of things.
- October 19Mindy Mohammed
- Isn't Fort Knox an Army base? Why would you be chancing your freedom? It's not jail. Unless I'm missing something.
- October 19Walt Seaman
- Well I was there involuntarily after a short stay in Essex county Federal shortly after 14 US Marshals and NY NJ Fugitive Task Force members nearly gave my mom and I a heart attack. Its a long story starting in 2007 ish, but I honestly didn't do anything wrong, however CID saw it otherwise and issued a warrant.
- October 19Walt Seaman
- All in all they tried court martialing me
- October 19Mindy Mohammed
- Well, I can't say i know much about this aspect of the services, so I won't pretend to understand.
- October 19Walt Seaman
- Basically the Army version of NCIS brought me up on charges because of a paperwork mistake, and they tried bringing me to military court...my mom sat here for like a week in tears, etc...it wasnt good to be honest...it scared the shit out of me
- October 19Mindy Mohammed
- So your recent experiences with the law/whathaveyou have ...opened your eyes to many things but..what does that have to do with me? I'm just another person you knew, nothing special. Like I said; we've been here...it didn't work. A couple times, actually.
- October 19Walt Seaman
- Negativity. lol. Well because most of our arguments were over my own arrogance/belligerence, which has since been removed from my arsenal, plus regardless of all the drama, you were one of the few I would call a true friend....
- October 19Mindy Mohammed
- I won't point the finger but will admit to say we both had our own issues to work through. I will say thank you and I appreciated your honesty (when it was there).
- October 19Walt Seaman
- Likewise, you honestly helped me more then I ever gave you credit for...You were/are a great friend....and thats what Im getting at here.....and I know in the past majority was me, I had a lot of shit to deal with/come to terms with etc
- October 19Mindy Mohammed
- People are generally assholes; some just cover it up better than others.
- October 19Walt Seaman
- what are you implying lol
- October 19Mindy Mohammed
- Every body acts like a fool. We were both assholes at some point (maybe still are, or maybe we're hiding it so well that it seems like it's gone but it's really not)
regardless.
- October 20Walt Seaman
- So you pretty much think I'm hiding it....
- October 20Mindy Mohammed
- huh?
- October 20Walt Seaman
- idk lol
- October 20Mindy Mohammed
- me too
- October 20Walt Seaman
- brb making pbj
- back
- i thought you mean't i was just good at hiding being an asshole
- i should probably stop assuming things tho
as you saw the date at the beginning of the conversation was about a year ago. And then this. BUT honestly, I don't think that he's changed much at all because conversation after, have no been hostile, but have been shady. he's still with flaky women, not that I care because it doesn't matter to me. But he comes to me for advice on stupid things, or irrelevant things ...it's the SAME Walter. At the moment he is in Florida visiting his father who I don't think he sees, seeing as his parents are divorced.
Since then we've spoken about his desire to go back to school work, several women and he's currently drunk messaging me at ungodly hours while I'm tired or asleep. I don't indulge him enough with a response. I figure, for now, limited contact is best. He's one of those people who talks about moving forward but they're sitting 99% of the time. They're never gonna stand up and take a step in the right direction as they speak. Smart individual, just..misguided by the ideals in his head.
Sent from my iPhone
A friend in and a friend out?
It would seem that way but I'm incomplete on my one post of Walter.
But this isn't about him. It's about another friend who I've also known for a number of years through a game we all used to play. Last year, Chris and I had the balls to invite these online friends to our home for a party. One flew in from Tennessee and another drove from Maryland. Chris was the one from Tennessee. We picked him up from the air port and he spent the weekend here on our inflatable bed. He didn't make the most winning of first impressions but nonetheless. It was a lot of nervous energy flying around seeing as how none of us had met before. We were friends in game, face book friends and spoke via text/cell/vent. Face to face is different and I know it.
He's been in the marines for a number of years and was discharged due to injury. Since then he's been on a number of medication to help with many issues. One being anti-depressants for his great depression. He also has a serious anger issue. (I know all too well) ..
But to me, he's always been a good listener, in game a knight in shining armor with the knowledge of my own significant other, and we've shared the same side of many issues. Should a disagreement surface we've managed to get through it as friends.
This is a year later ..if not longer. He'd been dying to be in a relationship but had stated that he's always found himself being used or with 'crazy girls' as he so eloquently put it. I let him know that it will come when the time is ready. She will find him if he hasn't yet. Just to be patient.
I even convinced him to get a blog going to get his thoughts out. He's possibly just like me. We have the same mentality almost. We'd call it the "Pisces in us".
I'd spoken to him just a few days before via text and a phone call. I'd noticed on his Facebook that he'd met someone and was suddenly "In a relationship". I sent a text to congratulate him. No reply. No big thing, right? I don't think so. On one of his pictures of him cooking. I left a comment which stated if we knew he cooked we would have had him cook when he was here. I said then next time we got together he would. we were making plans for him to visit again this year. Her retort was "he only cooks for me". Again, I made no reply to her. I texted him ...
the out come of that was a 4am phone call from his phone and her threatening to kill me. I laughed and hung up. I don't have the time to acknowledge morons in another state. I erased him from my life simply because as good a friend as he might have been, he chose her and allowed her to do as she had to someone so close to him. Allowed her to scream over the phone, threats, delete and block me via facebook ...he's not worth my friendship.
It's a week later since they've been together and they're now engaged. I won't say he deserves this but he will learn the hard way. She'll most likely kill him before anything else. Or at least take him for everything he has. As for this friendship? It's over. I've washed my hands of him simply because I thought he was stronger than that. I'd never LET the person I choose in my life as my lover, choose my friends for me. No way.
I chalked it up as: His Loss.
But this isn't about him. It's about another friend who I've also known for a number of years through a game we all used to play. Last year, Chris and I had the balls to invite these online friends to our home for a party. One flew in from Tennessee and another drove from Maryland. Chris was the one from Tennessee. We picked him up from the air port and he spent the weekend here on our inflatable bed. He didn't make the most winning of first impressions but nonetheless. It was a lot of nervous energy flying around seeing as how none of us had met before. We were friends in game, face book friends and spoke via text/cell/vent. Face to face is different and I know it.
He's been in the marines for a number of years and was discharged due to injury. Since then he's been on a number of medication to help with many issues. One being anti-depressants for his great depression. He also has a serious anger issue. (I know all too well) ..
But to me, he's always been a good listener, in game a knight in shining armor with the knowledge of my own significant other, and we've shared the same side of many issues. Should a disagreement surface we've managed to get through it as friends.
This is a year later ..if not longer. He'd been dying to be in a relationship but had stated that he's always found himself being used or with 'crazy girls' as he so eloquently put it. I let him know that it will come when the time is ready. She will find him if he hasn't yet. Just to be patient.
I even convinced him to get a blog going to get his thoughts out. He's possibly just like me. We have the same mentality almost. We'd call it the "Pisces in us".
I'd spoken to him just a few days before via text and a phone call. I'd noticed on his Facebook that he'd met someone and was suddenly "In a relationship". I sent a text to congratulate him. No reply. No big thing, right? I don't think so. On one of his pictures of him cooking. I left a comment which stated if we knew he cooked we would have had him cook when he was here. I said then next time we got together he would. we were making plans for him to visit again this year. Her retort was "he only cooks for me". Again, I made no reply to her. I texted him ...
the out come of that was a 4am phone call from his phone and her threatening to kill me. I laughed and hung up. I don't have the time to acknowledge morons in another state. I erased him from my life simply because as good a friend as he might have been, he chose her and allowed her to do as she had to someone so close to him. Allowed her to scream over the phone, threats, delete and block me via facebook ...he's not worth my friendship.
It's a week later since they've been together and they're now engaged. I won't say he deserves this but he will learn the hard way. She'll most likely kill him before anything else. Or at least take him for everything he has. As for this friendship? It's over. I've washed my hands of him simply because I thought he was stronger than that. I'd never LET the person I choose in my life as my lover, choose my friends for me. No way.
I chalked it up as: His Loss.
Flip side kinda feels ok
On the flip side of everything that was and everything that has happened, Chris has been acting differently. Perhaps a TAD more caring and appreciative. A TAD more attentive and a TAD more responsive (at times). I'll be real and say YES he has changed. Can I point out exactly what? No. Can I say why? No.
But I have a 'for instance' or two.
Last week I ended up working 5 out of the 7 days of the week and longer hours than anticipated. On one of those 5 days he did in fact take care of dinner and waited for me to get home so we could eat as a family, together. It made me smile on the inside, the thought, the gesture was DEEPLY appreciated and I told him so. The effort took me by surprise and I adored it.
Another instance was a weekend that Sunday I worked that morning. And after work, I came back and he asked if we wanted to go for a hayride and pumpkin picking that evening. Again, he never makes plans of any kind but to ask that after waking up earlier than usual (I'd taken my daughter to work with me) and then going ahead with our plans which was ON TIME. The day was not wasted. We had our corn maze, our hay ride, our pumpkin picking and that night we spent time searching out pictures and then carving our pictures on the pumpkin. After I messed my own up, he 1. encouraged me to find another picture and 2. he spent the rest of his time, despite being tired from doing his own, to help me with mine. Cut his finger on it in the process and still helped me finish. Cleaned everything up and relaxed while enjoying our first pumpkin carvings.
2 nights ago we spent what felt like a long time but was actually an hour (and a half to clean up) to separate and clean up Jaiden's unused toys to give to goodwill. It was supposed to be a simple quick task that turned into a living room disaster. BUT like I said, it was done in less time than we thoughts. And after all was done, he took out ALL the garbage even though it was cold as all hell.
I don't know what his incentive is to be as nice as he has been, but on my side, it feels good.
But I have a 'for instance' or two.
Last week I ended up working 5 out of the 7 days of the week and longer hours than anticipated. On one of those 5 days he did in fact take care of dinner and waited for me to get home so we could eat as a family, together. It made me smile on the inside, the thought, the gesture was DEEPLY appreciated and I told him so. The effort took me by surprise and I adored it.
Another instance was a weekend that Sunday I worked that morning. And after work, I came back and he asked if we wanted to go for a hayride and pumpkin picking that evening. Again, he never makes plans of any kind but to ask that after waking up earlier than usual (I'd taken my daughter to work with me) and then going ahead with our plans which was ON TIME. The day was not wasted. We had our corn maze, our hay ride, our pumpkin picking and that night we spent time searching out pictures and then carving our pictures on the pumpkin. After I messed my own up, he 1. encouraged me to find another picture and 2. he spent the rest of his time, despite being tired from doing his own, to help me with mine. Cut his finger on it in the process and still helped me finish. Cleaned everything up and relaxed while enjoying our first pumpkin carvings.
2 nights ago we spent what felt like a long time but was actually an hour (and a half to clean up) to separate and clean up Jaiden's unused toys to give to goodwill. It was supposed to be a simple quick task that turned into a living room disaster. BUT like I said, it was done in less time than we thoughts. And after all was done, he took out ALL the garbage even though it was cold as all hell.
I don't know what his incentive is to be as nice as he has been, but on my side, it feels good.
Another time-lapse
It feels and have felt over the last few weeks that time has spun out of control and gone 10 times faster than it should. Perhaps it's the fact that I've taken a step back from being emotionally attached and invested as I was. I've dedicated more of my time I wasted there towards me, my job and my family/child. I went ahead and changed the settings on his computer so that it no longer records his history. So I 1. Know there's going to be no record of anything on the PC. 2. i can't be upset if I can't see it and 3. I know I won't see anything so I have no incentive to look and wonder or worry or be angry. I can't be angry at something I can't see nor can prove is there. Call it a blind eye, call it whatever, it works.
I should have done this a long time ago but after catching him in the act a few times, I grew attached to being able to look and see where he's been and when. That was unhealthy and becoming something I relied on to view him differently. Something I could hold onto in the back of my mind and be mad. And it was wrong. I would think he watched it every day and while he was with my daughter. And even if he did watch it every day; who cares. And I should have better faith in his judgement not to be so careless and view it with her in the room. (Sometimes that benefit of the doubt came back to bite me in the ass on other things but I can hope right?)
So much has gone on in my time of not writing and by the time I caught up, I've forgotten half of what I wanted or needed to write because I didn't have the time to the first time. It'll come back to me though. Not as great as it was in raw for but it'll come back.
I should have done this a long time ago but after catching him in the act a few times, I grew attached to being able to look and see where he's been and when. That was unhealthy and becoming something I relied on to view him differently. Something I could hold onto in the back of my mind and be mad. And it was wrong. I would think he watched it every day and while he was with my daughter. And even if he did watch it every day; who cares. And I should have better faith in his judgement not to be so careless and view it with her in the room. (Sometimes that benefit of the doubt came back to bite me in the ass on other things but I can hope right?)
So much has gone on in my time of not writing and by the time I caught up, I've forgotten half of what I wanted or needed to write because I didn't have the time to the first time. It'll come back to me though. Not as great as it was in raw for but it'll come back.
Where does the time go?
...it seems that the time just flies right by lately. With work adding on an extra day - not that I'm complaining - but with the days getting shorter, the darkness wavering longer and my sleep pattern already a royal mess, it seems that I've lost the vigor for much else except spending time with Jaiden and working. I've attempted to update myself via my cell phone but the technology there is just not what a PC can do. I get all fat fingered and it's not...fast enough. I can't just babble and get it all out one shot. It takes too long and too many typos. I get sidetracked and forget half of what I want to say due to all the misconstrued auto fixes that are WRONG.
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