...what a life.

I was just staring at my phone saying "I don't want to" but I don't know why I'm here. Writing. Nothing new to say. Nothing to reveal other than a clear and utter miserable notion...I want him to be rejected, hurt, alone, agonized. The very day after I told him to his face I wanted nothing to do with him, the very next day he says he loves me. The day after he sends flowers and then day after that we never speak again until I had to throw him out...he came over with no warning, no call. On my weekend. To take her food shopping at 9pm...I said no. it spurred a fight and I asked him to leave. I didn't ask. I said he needed to go. Since then it's been silence. He took her late on his weekend, after bring me dinner. And we haven't heard from him since I picked her up promptly on Sunday at 5pm.

It was his birthday yesterday...and his mother had the gall to text me and say "it would be nice if Chris got a call from Jaiden wishing him a happy birthday" I wanted to reply to that in so many different ways but I ignored her.

Chris doesn't acknowledge us at all. So fuck him ESPECIALLY on his birthday.

I've been emotionally hurt the past few times because of Jaiden. She says the damnest things..."I don't like when you comb my hair, I like when Daddy does."

"I wish daddy would come home."

"Mommy do you care about daddy?"

"I wish my daddy would come and get me. "

...I can't do this..I can't face those words. i get hurt. MY FEELINGS are too fragile to handle this garbage. I get it. She's 3. She knows what's going on and she's trying to make sense of it too. She's with me all the time. He lets her do whatever the fuck she wants. He's the fun person. I'm the actual parent. The rule-maker. The deal breaker. The law. And it KILLS me when she asks for him and acts like he's so fucking wonderful. I shut down. I get so angry and so hurt, I have to just shut up...because I can't scream and yell at a child. And when I do cry about it she will say she's sorry but she has no idea what she's sorry for because 5 minutes later, she's saying the same fucking shit again. Daddy this and daddy that and I can't...

HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HER.

And he knows it. I know it.

Last week his friend was telling me he's been mass texting people to go out bar hopping and clubbing for his birthday. He did the same last night for tonight. 34 years old and he still chooses to live like he's 21.
And here I am carrying this huge emotional burden of a child who wants a person she only knows as 'daddy' and talks to me like I'm nothing to her. Like I don't provide and take care of her, love her and teach her.
When I picked her up she said "mommy Daddy's family loves me, they buy me things. "...
...as if his stupid ass doesn't break my heart enough, I have to hear it from her. Everything I do I've done for her, for us and it feels like it's for nothing. She's with everyone and against me.

...I can't...

The willingness of surviving.

I haven't been on here in a quite some time. I guess it was me not acknowledging my feelings by not having to focus on writing it down. I'm still hurt, but I'm not only just hurt now, because my feelings have evolved.
I'm angry.
I'm bitter.
I'm resentful.

Angry at him because it still hasn't hit him how he's messing his life up. But who am I to tell him how to live. Certainly not his mother.

Bitter because I gave, and gave and got hurt and GAVE some more. I wasn't good enough to pick on his own. People usually know after a few days, even some weeks. But it's been months.

Resentful because I did everything I could to hold on. And it didn't resonate in him. He hated being here so him reflecting on anything I did means diddly. He didn't appreciate a damn thing so he can't say "Oh, I miss that...” or anything along those lines.

But it's all part of the process right?

My reason for even writing today isn't to think about him.
It was to say 'Thank you' to ...mainly to God.

He's taken care of me since I fell.
I remember when I used to pray, all I did was pray. I wrote my prayers, I cried myself to sleep with my prayers. And all I prayed for was him. To have him come back. Have him come for me, for us, to want to be with me. Build a life with me.
And you know what God did? He ignored those prayers. Still, he does.
But you know what he did?

He made me strong to hold onto my home that I PICKED, that I worked HARD for. He let me be able to keep it, so that I could provide that home for myself and my daughter.
He gave me a second job. And with no real difficulty.
He gave me friends who helped me so much, I could never really say how much I appreciated them.
He gave me the motivation, despite having my heart stomped on repeatedly, to keep my chin up, even when I was on my knees every fucking day...
He gave me the persistence to go after things that seemed out of my league because of education and or experience.
He gave me a natural disaster to allow me to step up and shine...so that those professional lacking, didn't seem so much. And I was ushered into a new era in my life.
He gave me an understanding family that through our misunderstandings, still hold me up and hold me strong.
He gave me my health, so I'd always be able to protect and care for my daughter.
He gave me a great opportunity to further my networking and with that, opened up several doors for me.
He is offering me financial freedom, even if it takes a few months; he has made it more than possible now.
He's given me the confidence to look for bigger, better things.
That includes not just a brand new job, but to look for a home that Jaiden and I can call our own.

He's also given me a HUGE HUGE positive...yesterday I spoke to a lawyer that I hadn't had contact with in about 3 years.

Quick and short: because Chris had left me high and dry during my pregnancy, I was left with a lot of debt ...as a single, unemployed mother who was just coming out of a major c-section surgery, watching all those bills pile up and just suffocate me, I was sent a check in the mail. I took it as a sign, and without actually READING it properly, used it to pay off said debts.
In fact, that check was supposed to be sent to the hospital for yet ANOTHER bill.

I ended up having a suit filed against me for that money. And I owned up to my mistake.
Chris was aware of it. And never once offered to help me pay for any of it still. Never even spoke of it. Asked about it.
And I'm taking a large amount of money here. Not just hundreds, but thousands. I tried to appeal to the doctor, the lawyer, I wrote letters, made calls, even had my insurance company on the phone speaking to them on my behalf, that I made a mistake and wanted to rectify it. I'd go on a payment plan if possible. Mind you, I was still broke and very much unemployed.

They wouldn't hear me out.
So that suit sat on my credit report for 3 years. When I went to talk to a mortgage officer last week, he gave me some advice. Reach out to them again and see if a settlement, something could be worked out, possibly. He even said, honestly, perhaps, that if I could gather the money to get a settlement, do it. He said it might be hard or close to impossible to get a payment plan set because it's a substantial amount of money and despite the fact it's been 3 years and they want their money, they might not want to have to keep up with something like that. I took it into deep consideration. He also said to let him know if I got my promotion so he could update my files. The more money I make the more I would qualify for as a first time home buyer as far as loans and such.

Yesterday I called back the lawyer...and was trying to appeal to him yet again. I let him know I had no intention of running away from this as if I'd get out of paying it. I wasn't. I wanted to get it off my back. I offered to make payments. I did fib a lil. I didn't tell him how long I was at my job or the amount of hours I work, or that I just got a promotion. I said it was part time at 8$ an hour and I was recently employed and I wanted to get something going on this suit. I made it seem as though the suit was a priority.
And it is, just not top-of-the-list.
I offered to pay 50$ a month...but he said he wouldn't be able to do that. So I offered to pay a little more and made it seem as though I'd be making some huge sacrifice to make that work. Why? If I could get this taken off my credit report because an agreement was come to, I would be able to go ahead with buying a home in the future. It made that dream more tangible. Not immediate but definitely sooner than expected.

So a little bit later today I'll be calling that mortgage advisor back and speak to him about this. Ask if this helps me in any way and what's the next step to getting it removed from my credit report.

I've never been a religious person, but I've always believed in a higher power. I believe in fate, in karma, in love and in things I can't see. God might not have given me Chris back. As much as I want him. As much as I want to share every good and bad thing with him. He doesn't see it fit yet. Might not at all. And that hurts ...but I'll press forward with these small favors.

I didn't even tell Chris I was interviewing for the position, much less gotten it.
I guess a part of me thinks he'll take advantage of that small positive and make it a negative. He'll think he doesn't have to pay me on time for the child support or he doesn't have to ...wait. He doesn't do shit else!!
Just child support and even that is like pulling teeth because it's a fight every time.

When my schedule changes, my plan is to simply say they needed me in another facility and since I need the job I couldn't say no.
I don't know what else to do. I hate being deceitful.
But this...this is a betterment for my daughter and I. Because he doesn't care enough.

Life is finding order, but much like the rest of my life, its not in the order I planned it. And even if it's missing the one thing I truly want, I'll take what I'm given and be grateful and thankful.

Next on my agenda? Learning to drive to work. -_-

5 and a half months.

Today is...Tuesday. November 27th, 2012.

5 and a half months ago, my whole world was ripped away from me. I thought i had everything. I had a job that allowed me the flexibility to be with my child, have days off and not be in constant professional demand. It gave me a home life. I was lacking one thing. A home. Yes I had somewhere to go with my daughter at the end of the day, a warm bed. Someone was there. But no one was waiting. There was no warmth, no love. No future within those walls.

That house wasn't home. It was just somewhere someone else was forced to be because of no thought or action of his own. He was pressured to be and pressured to stay. By everyone but me. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want a family. A home. My being pregnant solidified my place in his life, but not in his family. If I had to have his child, his family made sure I'd always be just that and that alone. His baby momma. And he let them have those reigns to control his life. His decisions, his choices.

5 and a half months ago, he got up and left us.
And my world fell apart. The one person I'd loved for so long, lost, and found years later, didn't want me anymore.
Part of me still feels he's ashamed to be with me.
I'm not..white enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not rich enough.
Not slutty enough.
Not promiscuous enough.
Not fat enough.
Not bosom heavy enough.
I'm not their choice for him.

And he's ok with that.
Because it makes him making the decision to be with me something he doesn't have to do.
His priorities don't include us.
It included getting a new big screen tv and new furniture and a new apartment. A new life. That did not include me.

5 and a half months later. I still cry. I still love and I still ache.
But I pressed forward.
My reward? I got something I deserved. Finally, a job that can offer Jaiden and I more.
More security than he ever did.
More happiness.

And ...through all the happiness this has brought me. I find myself crying more because he's not here to share it with. He's not here to celebrate and be happy with me.
This was a great victory for me.
A personal victory.
And it doesn't feel like ...anything ..simply because of him. He's cheapened one of the BEST things that could  have happened to me, yet again. He ruined my pregnancy, he made me so depressed.
And with that done, I still gave.

Even today: I found out he was sick. So I took my daughter with me to his house, with soup, medicine ..and made it up for him. After 45 minutes, we left. We both, she and I...cried in the car.
And all we could do was hold each other.
What 3 year old deserves this.

A selfish person ...
Uncaring. Ungiving.

But I got it together, and we went home.
And now...we move on.
I know God has more in store for us, Jaiden and I. Good things. And we are ready.
But being ready really doesn't stop the pain in my heart.
Getting that job, having that money, working out that plan with that lawyer, doesn't stop the ache in side my ..because we are without him. And he doesn't care.

Chris died

He died 5 months ago. Maybe longer. My head knows he's gone. My heart is broken. But I know he'll never come back. So I have to carry on with life.

I need someone to love me.
He's got to be tall.
Not obnoxious and loud.
I want him to not smoke. Or smoke mildly.
Family and future oriented.
He wants to do things with us.
He makes me feel special.
He buys me flowers for no reason. Light drinker.
Great laugh.
Sociable but I'm the apple of his eye and my daughter is the other.
I want him to be proud of me, my daughter.
I want him to be a hard worker and a strong provider.
His lady and kids are his focus.
He's got level headed friends.
A prosperous job.
He's smart, and charming.
He's spontaneous ..
He's a leader. So I don't have to be in charge.
He's kind hearted and generous.
He's protective.
He has to make me feel safe.
He has to make me feel wanted, sexy, adored.
His hobbies involve friends or family.
He's one of the guys.
He's admired and respected.
He wants to take care of me, and grow old with me.
I want him to come home to me every night and be happy it's me. Not anyone else.
I want silly letters or songs to say he cares.
I want him to defend me.
....incomplete.

Sent from my iPhone

Reset

..."I want you." as plain and simple as those words are, they did two things. 1. They sparked a fight between us and 2. They were questioned by someone who had no right to question it at all.

Walter texted me sometime last week. I know he's got a new job that requires ridiculous hours. It's a waiter job I think but his shifts aren't consistent. So he texts me Friday I think, and I'm asleep. But when he woke me, I told him so. All the endearing names he called me, the way he said things. He was being sweet.
And it rose my concern. He asked me to text him the next day because he had to talk to me. It was important. Asked me to promise him I would. Anyone who knows me know that I don't make promises at all unless I KNOW for certain it can be kept. So I said I would. And I made good on it. Saturday we talked for almost the entire morning.
He was asking my point of view on a girl in his life. He wanted to tell her he was in love with her. He said he saw himself wanting to spend his life with her, growing old with her. But he didn't want to ruin a friendship if he told her how he felt. Now, part of me thought it was me. But I didn't say anything. Because Walter HAD told me already how he felt about me a few months ago and it was just as Chris and I had broken up. I was devastated. So I shot him down. I never saw Walter as a potential interest. I told him that. I was clear with my feelings.
I was also blinded by my love for a man who didn't love me back.
But Walter understood and never spoke a word of it again.
But that day; the way he was speaking about the girl he wanted to come clean with.
Recently single, mother, sane, they get along fine. Bf turned out to be a douche bag.
She lived not far from him.
So I spat it out. "Left field question but is this person me?"

Granted there was more said. He was shocked.
BUT he said no. YET he carried on to explain why it wasn't me.
The fact that he had accepted that Chris was the only one in my eyes, my heart was in his pocket. He accepted that chasing a woman in love with someone else was futile.
I told him that what he did and when he did it resulted in an answer any man would have gotten ...You don't declare love to someone who just lost the one person they'd give their life for. Someone they invested heart, soul, a future into. But I had to let go of Chris. I told him that every day I tell myself Chris doesn't want me and with that in mind, I don't yearn, I don't reach. He lost out on a once in a lifetime love, something that's so rare that he'll never find it again.

After lots of explaining ...he said he was shocked. As if I'd reset his thoughts. I assured him that he shouldn't allow anything I said to change his mind. He should pursue the girl he was after, if in fact there was one.
We talked the next day and he said he hadn't spoken to her til a few moments ago. Again, this is after moments of him getting home from work. Just as he was texting, I happened to fall asleep. And his texts didn't get read til last night and the realization of what he had said hit me.
He said he wanted to tell her but she'd fallen asleep on him but he'd decided to tell her how he felt. So here he was, telling me he was going to talk to her, and I'd fallen asleep. And his text said he couldn't tell her because SHE had fallen asleep.
Ever felt that feeling - That feeling of talking to someone about another person when in reality you're discussing you?

But he disregarded it when I asked.
BUT he did ask me about my Facebook posts.
I didn't give him the right answer.
I told him it was part of lyrics of a song.
Truthfully? It was for Chris.*sigh*...
I'm still chasing ghosts.
Saturday night's fight was spawned from Chris texting to ask "Who do you want ..:P"
Really? I was enraged. Why? YOU KNOW ITS YOU.
He said he didn't know who it was. Yet into the fight he said it was a cutsie question I blew out of proportion. Ok, so you knew it was you, lied about knowing because you wanted me to SAY it was you. I told him he was being a douche. Because he was.
The next day I told him "I know you don't care but wanted you to know I love you."
His reply? "Why do you constantly assume that. It's one of the reasons we fight."

I didn't answer. Why? It wouldn't matter if I'd said "Because you never tell me otherwise."

I wish he would just ....I don't know. I just don't know anymore.
I love him ...still.
I just don't know how to shut him out. Because he SEEMS so unaffected by EVERYTHING.

Even though he says he's miserable and not happy and he's lonely and hates it, he just sits here. Yesterday his game log showed him playing games ALL day.
How do you just...live like that while the world goes right by you?
34 with nothing.
And when you do something, you're investing time with some college girl or some married woman.
Jamie = the college girl he talks to all hours of the night or day.
Mary = the married ex. gf of his friend who now lives in OK. The one he called annoying. The one he says DOESN'T have his number.

And by talk I mean text. Yet the woman who loves you ..you ignore. You disregard.
The one who accepted you and everything about you, who didn't try to change you but tried to wake you up to being an adult, a parent, a father, a husband even, you cast aside.
For what? A child and a woman who doesn't understand the sanctity of her OWN marriage or children.
Then again, I could be off because I don't know what they're talking about ALL DAY LONG.
And the college slut? All hours of the night AFTER midnight. No self-respecting girl does that unless she WANTS a little more than talk. Just thinking about it disgusts me.

Fate has an odd way of handling things like this.
He said he believes in fate.
But he's ignoring it.
Just like he ignores everything else.
So I'll wait til fate takes everything away from him and he's left with nothing.

Just ...God help me. Help me, help me, help me understand what I'm supposed to do. Because I'm lost again. He unravels me when I think I'm making progress. Just...bring him in or kick him out completely. I don't know. I just don't know. But please, help me.
Everything else in life is great ...and I use that word loosely. My heart is a mess. Has been for YEARS.
Please. Help.

I know what it's like to love and I feel as though I've spent all my life waiting to know what to be loved is like. You gave me glimpses but never the whole view. I want the whole view.
I want the wow. The chase. The courting. The sleepless nights and counting of minutes til he can see or speak to me again. I want the calls, the texts, the flowers, the UNCONDITIONAL love. I want the eagerness of his decision to propose, the ring, the
I want everything Chris was supposed to be.
Here's the selfish condition: I want it...from Chris.
I want my life with him.
I want my dreams with him.

I laughed yesterday too because I went out with my daughter to a birthday party.
I felt the change in the atmosphere as soon as I walked in. His eyes were just lodged on me. I could feel it.
The entire time.
And as I was saying my thank yous to the host and hostess, she tells me her brother-n-law was asking about me. He was interested in asking for my number. She said she'd urged him to but he said he couldn't because I was with my daughter.
I asked his name.
She caught herself just as she was about to say it.."Chris..."
"Are you fucking kidding me..." was my response.
She said he lived in Brooklyn, nice guy.
I said "That's nice. Tell him I said hi, then."...but we both knew it wouldn't work. I have a hard enough time getting to 10 miles away from my house. Brooklyn is far fetched.
But see the karma?

SMH - ...I don't want anyone else. No matter how I try, how I twist it, how it turns, the nights, the days, I just don't want anyone else but MY Chris.
Find a way, please.
I can't live like this. I can't function on this level.
You didn't make me to go on like this.
You didn't build me to suffer for love.
You built me to love.
I like to think you built me to be loved too.
Help me, please.

Shittttt

...I've been doing alright in everything I can. I've avoided him but I still reply or answer if he calls or texts. I don't ever reach first. I keep phone calls shorter than desired. And replies via text just as.
I.
Am.
NOT.
Your.
Friend.

I don't want to be.
I won't let myself be shoved into the friend zone.
You have a shit ton of friends who don't give a shit about you. I KNOW I don't want to be the friend who does. Better if friends if nothing else? Fuck no. I'm not the friend you slept with for 5+ years and had a daughter with. Lived with. Shared a ..well, what would seem like a 'life' with.

Lately I've been riddled with pain from my ulcers. Yeah, I'm too young to have them but nevertheless, I do.
I had them when I was younger because of my depression.
And I drank a lot more than I do now. My diet was different as well. My job was just as stressful. But my depression was severe. So now here I am with the same crap about 7 years later. Maybe more. I just have to keep getting myself up and dusting myself off.
Personally? I wish I could say I felt I've been doing a good job. But I feel I could be in a better place.
I'm torn between that job if I'm offered it.
I'm torn between staying here and that commute.
And again, it's not just me. It's me and my daughter.
Chris has somewhat fallen from my priority list.
I still think of him daily. I still worry about him. And I still think about including him in things. But I don't reach and I don't act.

Do I still love him? You want an honest answer? Yes. I do. With every fiber in me I do.
Ask me why? Hehe, I still couldn't tell you what's to love.
He wants to live like a 12 year old. But has the dreams of a man.
He wants marriage, a family, a house. He goes to work, wakes up late repeatedly, eats like a boy with the appetite of a man, plays games all night and sleeps all day when he's not working. If he could swing it he'd be out more but he can't afford it.
34 ...and no aspirations. No ambitions. At least none he acts upon from what he says he wants.

I saw him Monday when he dropped Jaiden off. He called Wednesday night but I didn't answer at first. But after looking at the time, and knowing it was Wednesday, I thought he wanted to see Jaiden. So I returned the call. But he only asked how she was. I kept the conversation light and short. He texted yesterday morning to complain about work. And then again last night to tell me he was at the train station still. Waiting til 11 for the train. He called to say he was on it and that was that.

I don't...quite understand why he does those things.
OH. Caught him in a lie too. A new face popped up on his face book. So I asked in an inadvertent way who she was. Turns out she used to live in NJ and used to date a friend of his. She's now living in OK and married to someone else. BUT he said she's annoying. She's always leaving him messages on face book. None visible so I assume private.
I said "At least she doesn't have your number so she can text you as much. "
He said Oh..noooo.." butttt. I know she does. I have access to his phone bill and I know her number. :) *stalkerstatus*

A minor lie. But a lie nonetheless.
If it wasn't significant it wasn't something to lie about.
But knowing Chris? He probably said something to make this married girl keep texting him ... he flirts and thinks it's ok. Like it's fun and games and everyone should deem it harmless.

I realized, that the next few months may hurt more than I can handle. End of the month is Halloween. We did things together. November is Thanksgiving. Family affairs that won't be shared anymore. December is Christmas. Not together. January is New Years and his birthday. February is Valentines. My first Valentines alone in 8 years. March is my birthday. April is empty. May is Mothers day. June is Father's day. Her birthday. July is the 4th. August and September is empty and we find ourselves on repeat. And that'll make it over a year since we'd broken up.
I guess I'm in for some more nights of crying. Hurt. Irrational thoughts and ideas.
Hell. Next week will be what would have been our 5 year anniversary. He won't remember. So it won't phase him. Me? It'll kill me.
*sigh*
I had hoped we would have worked out by then. But I guess it's not supposed to happen like that.
My plan? Avoid him til next Wednesday - because if he wants to see her then, he can. I'll try HARD to not answer his calls. And well, texts....I can't avoid. I don't know why. I can't ignore people. Unless I lie and I can't lie. I don't like it. I don't see the reason to 99% of the time.

I pray still. Daily, because I find myself talking to God as if he were beside me often. I pray for my family, for myself and my daughter. And I pray Chris finds us again. And finds his way back to me ...soon. Half the time I hate him so much and I want him to just go away but in my heart...I hate his actions and I wish they weren't reality. There's no real fix to this. We live apart and date? No thanks.(I'm saying no but sometimes that might be the only way to get where I want to be) We move in together in March when my lease is up and work on something for September when his is up?
I wish I knew. I wish I had the blueprints for this part of my life in front of me. I wish God would ..well, he's doing enough. He's keeping me afloat. And for that much I'm grateful. SMH. I just want Chris back. As much as I hate to admit it, my heart does. And I'll keep saying it til it's something I don't feel or til it actually happens.



 

It seems like it's so much

...between the two jobs I have now, and looking for something full time, or even considering taking on another part time job is making me tired. The very thought of it wears me out. And the big part of it is ...my daughter. What do I do if I can't have her with me. Shuffle her from family member to family member?
If I go for this manager's position, here's numerous things to consider.
1. I'd have to wake up really early to beat the traffic since the business is located in a very congested, college area. It's only 20 minutes away but because of its location, 20 minutes turns into 2 hours of complete chaos.
2. I'd have to have Jaiden with me for the 8-10 hours most of the week. The days my mom gets off, I can definitely leave her with her.
3. Winter driving in that is going to be HELL.
4. The pay might be better.
5. Benefits might be involved.

There's another place I'm applying to today. Things to consider?
1. It's right across the street from my apartment.
2. If the pay is better than $8.00/hr it's definitely something to consider.
3. I might be able to keep Jaiden in the office with me. I might not.
4. My rent will be reduced since I would be an employee.
5. It might not be full time.
6. It might not have benefits if it's not full time. And the rent reduction issue might be conflicted.
7. No matter the weather, I can get to work!

My aunt, the one who got me the job at RWJ and the one who told me about the job across from my home, said she would come over and stay with Jaiden any day she could so I could go to work. And as much as I appreciate that, I HATE having to schlep my kid around from home to home, job to job. Depending on people. "It takes a village to raise a child." - those were my aunt's words, but regardless, I feel like such a douche.
Again, working my ass off and I can't spend time with her?
And then even thinking of CONSIDERING working all 3 jobs?
All for the money.
It's so much. For both her and I. Yes, the savings would be phenomenal.
Yes, I'll be doing well. But at what cost?

Yes, it would be short term, once again.
Because in January, I can look into putting her into school without her asshole father. BUT I would be the one taking her to school at 8am and then picking her back up at 12pm. And even then? WHAT do I do with her if I can't keep her in the office?
If God can throw me all these choices, he's either testing my direction or, doing it for a greater reason. In the back of my head, I want the job across from my house and I want to be able to have Jaiden there with me.

4 out of the 5 days she'll be with me, maybe even 3. Perhaps less if I take my aunt up on her offer to stay at my place with Jaiden while I'm at work, or until she has to go to work.
I'm not against working hard. Never have been. I once did 2 jobs for about 3 months for the money. Trying to save up so I could move out again while I was dating Chris. I wanted my own place while he was still living at home.
I only gave up one of the jobs, despite how good it paid because I began falling asleep at the wheel. Working 6am-4pm and then 5pm-11 or 12 at night almost every night eventually caught up to me. BUT I didn't have my daughter then.
Now? I have a child to consider. I have bigger priorities aside from my wallet. Right now I'm juuuuust making it. Barely, really. And that's no way to live, in all honesty.
I've got my fingers crossed in hopes I can get the job and have the 'luxury' of having my daughter with me when I have to. It's not a busy place but it's a place of business. She's not 10, she's 3.

If I had to choose, I'd go with the one across from me rather than the manager's spot ..because the location is better and I wouldn't have to sacrifice much getting to work in bad weather.
I pray God shows me a way in making the right choice. And I hope he cuts me a break when it comes to my daughter. The cold I can deal with. Waking up early I could maybe deal with too. But the snow? Fuck no. The traffic. Double fuck no.