Shittttt

...I've been doing alright in everything I can. I've avoided him but I still reply or answer if he calls or texts. I don't ever reach first. I keep phone calls shorter than desired. And replies via text just as.
I.
Am.
NOT.
Your.
Friend.

I don't want to be.
I won't let myself be shoved into the friend zone.
You have a shit ton of friends who don't give a shit about you. I KNOW I don't want to be the friend who does. Better if friends if nothing else? Fuck no. I'm not the friend you slept with for 5+ years and had a daughter with. Lived with. Shared a ..well, what would seem like a 'life' with.

Lately I've been riddled with pain from my ulcers. Yeah, I'm too young to have them but nevertheless, I do.
I had them when I was younger because of my depression.
And I drank a lot more than I do now. My diet was different as well. My job was just as stressful. But my depression was severe. So now here I am with the same crap about 7 years later. Maybe more. I just have to keep getting myself up and dusting myself off.
Personally? I wish I could say I felt I've been doing a good job. But I feel I could be in a better place.
I'm torn between that job if I'm offered it.
I'm torn between staying here and that commute.
And again, it's not just me. It's me and my daughter.
Chris has somewhat fallen from my priority list.
I still think of him daily. I still worry about him. And I still think about including him in things. But I don't reach and I don't act.

Do I still love him? You want an honest answer? Yes. I do. With every fiber in me I do.
Ask me why? Hehe, I still couldn't tell you what's to love.
He wants to live like a 12 year old. But has the dreams of a man.
He wants marriage, a family, a house. He goes to work, wakes up late repeatedly, eats like a boy with the appetite of a man, plays games all night and sleeps all day when he's not working. If he could swing it he'd be out more but he can't afford it.
34 ...and no aspirations. No ambitions. At least none he acts upon from what he says he wants.

I saw him Monday when he dropped Jaiden off. He called Wednesday night but I didn't answer at first. But after looking at the time, and knowing it was Wednesday, I thought he wanted to see Jaiden. So I returned the call. But he only asked how she was. I kept the conversation light and short. He texted yesterday morning to complain about work. And then again last night to tell me he was at the train station still. Waiting til 11 for the train. He called to say he was on it and that was that.

I don't...quite understand why he does those things.
OH. Caught him in a lie too. A new face popped up on his face book. So I asked in an inadvertent way who she was. Turns out she used to live in NJ and used to date a friend of his. She's now living in OK and married to someone else. BUT he said she's annoying. She's always leaving him messages on face book. None visible so I assume private.
I said "At least she doesn't have your number so she can text you as much. "
He said Oh..noooo.." butttt. I know she does. I have access to his phone bill and I know her number. :) *stalkerstatus*

A minor lie. But a lie nonetheless.
If it wasn't significant it wasn't something to lie about.
But knowing Chris? He probably said something to make this married girl keep texting him ... he flirts and thinks it's ok. Like it's fun and games and everyone should deem it harmless.

I realized, that the next few months may hurt more than I can handle. End of the month is Halloween. We did things together. November is Thanksgiving. Family affairs that won't be shared anymore. December is Christmas. Not together. January is New Years and his birthday. February is Valentines. My first Valentines alone in 8 years. March is my birthday. April is empty. May is Mothers day. June is Father's day. Her birthday. July is the 4th. August and September is empty and we find ourselves on repeat. And that'll make it over a year since we'd broken up.
I guess I'm in for some more nights of crying. Hurt. Irrational thoughts and ideas.
Hell. Next week will be what would have been our 5 year anniversary. He won't remember. So it won't phase him. Me? It'll kill me.
*sigh*
I had hoped we would have worked out by then. But I guess it's not supposed to happen like that.
My plan? Avoid him til next Wednesday - because if he wants to see her then, he can. I'll try HARD to not answer his calls. And well, texts....I can't avoid. I don't know why. I can't ignore people. Unless I lie and I can't lie. I don't like it. I don't see the reason to 99% of the time.

I pray still. Daily, because I find myself talking to God as if he were beside me often. I pray for my family, for myself and my daughter. And I pray Chris finds us again. And finds his way back to me ...soon. Half the time I hate him so much and I want him to just go away but in my heart...I hate his actions and I wish they weren't reality. There's no real fix to this. We live apart and date? No thanks.(I'm saying no but sometimes that might be the only way to get where I want to be) We move in together in March when my lease is up and work on something for September when his is up?
I wish I knew. I wish I had the blueprints for this part of my life in front of me. I wish God would ..well, he's doing enough. He's keeping me afloat. And for that much I'm grateful. SMH. I just want Chris back. As much as I hate to admit it, my heart does. And I'll keep saying it til it's something I don't feel or til it actually happens.