Reset

..."I want you." as plain and simple as those words are, they did two things. 1. They sparked a fight between us and 2. They were questioned by someone who had no right to question it at all.

Walter texted me sometime last week. I know he's got a new job that requires ridiculous hours. It's a waiter job I think but his shifts aren't consistent. So he texts me Friday I think, and I'm asleep. But when he woke me, I told him so. All the endearing names he called me, the way he said things. He was being sweet.
And it rose my concern. He asked me to text him the next day because he had to talk to me. It was important. Asked me to promise him I would. Anyone who knows me know that I don't make promises at all unless I KNOW for certain it can be kept. So I said I would. And I made good on it. Saturday we talked for almost the entire morning.
He was asking my point of view on a girl in his life. He wanted to tell her he was in love with her. He said he saw himself wanting to spend his life with her, growing old with her. But he didn't want to ruin a friendship if he told her how he felt. Now, part of me thought it was me. But I didn't say anything. Because Walter HAD told me already how he felt about me a few months ago and it was just as Chris and I had broken up. I was devastated. So I shot him down. I never saw Walter as a potential interest. I told him that. I was clear with my feelings.
I was also blinded by my love for a man who didn't love me back.
But Walter understood and never spoke a word of it again.
But that day; the way he was speaking about the girl he wanted to come clean with.
Recently single, mother, sane, they get along fine. Bf turned out to be a douche bag.
She lived not far from him.
So I spat it out. "Left field question but is this person me?"

Granted there was more said. He was shocked.
BUT he said no. YET he carried on to explain why it wasn't me.
The fact that he had accepted that Chris was the only one in my eyes, my heart was in his pocket. He accepted that chasing a woman in love with someone else was futile.
I told him that what he did and when he did it resulted in an answer any man would have gotten ...You don't declare love to someone who just lost the one person they'd give their life for. Someone they invested heart, soul, a future into. But I had to let go of Chris. I told him that every day I tell myself Chris doesn't want me and with that in mind, I don't yearn, I don't reach. He lost out on a once in a lifetime love, something that's so rare that he'll never find it again.

After lots of explaining ...he said he was shocked. As if I'd reset his thoughts. I assured him that he shouldn't allow anything I said to change his mind. He should pursue the girl he was after, if in fact there was one.
We talked the next day and he said he hadn't spoken to her til a few moments ago. Again, this is after moments of him getting home from work. Just as he was texting, I happened to fall asleep. And his texts didn't get read til last night and the realization of what he had said hit me.
He said he wanted to tell her but she'd fallen asleep on him but he'd decided to tell her how he felt. So here he was, telling me he was going to talk to her, and I'd fallen asleep. And his text said he couldn't tell her because SHE had fallen asleep.
Ever felt that feeling - That feeling of talking to someone about another person when in reality you're discussing you?

But he disregarded it when I asked.
BUT he did ask me about my Facebook posts.
I didn't give him the right answer.
I told him it was part of lyrics of a song.
Truthfully? It was for Chris.*sigh*...
I'm still chasing ghosts.
Saturday night's fight was spawned from Chris texting to ask "Who do you want ..:P"
Really? I was enraged. Why? YOU KNOW ITS YOU.
He said he didn't know who it was. Yet into the fight he said it was a cutsie question I blew out of proportion. Ok, so you knew it was you, lied about knowing because you wanted me to SAY it was you. I told him he was being a douche. Because he was.
The next day I told him "I know you don't care but wanted you to know I love you."
His reply? "Why do you constantly assume that. It's one of the reasons we fight."

I didn't answer. Why? It wouldn't matter if I'd said "Because you never tell me otherwise."

I wish he would just ....I don't know. I just don't know anymore.
I love him ...still.
I just don't know how to shut him out. Because he SEEMS so unaffected by EVERYTHING.

Even though he says he's miserable and not happy and he's lonely and hates it, he just sits here. Yesterday his game log showed him playing games ALL day.
How do you just...live like that while the world goes right by you?
34 with nothing.
And when you do something, you're investing time with some college girl or some married woman.
Jamie = the college girl he talks to all hours of the night or day.
Mary = the married ex. gf of his friend who now lives in OK. The one he called annoying. The one he says DOESN'T have his number.

And by talk I mean text. Yet the woman who loves you ..you ignore. You disregard.
The one who accepted you and everything about you, who didn't try to change you but tried to wake you up to being an adult, a parent, a father, a husband even, you cast aside.
For what? A child and a woman who doesn't understand the sanctity of her OWN marriage or children.
Then again, I could be off because I don't know what they're talking about ALL DAY LONG.
And the college slut? All hours of the night AFTER midnight. No self-respecting girl does that unless she WANTS a little more than talk. Just thinking about it disgusts me.

Fate has an odd way of handling things like this.
He said he believes in fate.
But he's ignoring it.
Just like he ignores everything else.
So I'll wait til fate takes everything away from him and he's left with nothing.

Just ...God help me. Help me, help me, help me understand what I'm supposed to do. Because I'm lost again. He unravels me when I think I'm making progress. Just...bring him in or kick him out completely. I don't know. I just don't know. But please, help me.
Everything else in life is great ...and I use that word loosely. My heart is a mess. Has been for YEARS.
Please. Help.

I know what it's like to love and I feel as though I've spent all my life waiting to know what to be loved is like. You gave me glimpses but never the whole view. I want the whole view.
I want the wow. The chase. The courting. The sleepless nights and counting of minutes til he can see or speak to me again. I want the calls, the texts, the flowers, the UNCONDITIONAL love. I want the eagerness of his decision to propose, the ring, the
I want everything Chris was supposed to be.
Here's the selfish condition: I want it...from Chris.
I want my life with him.
I want my dreams with him.

I laughed yesterday too because I went out with my daughter to a birthday party.
I felt the change in the atmosphere as soon as I walked in. His eyes were just lodged on me. I could feel it.
The entire time.
And as I was saying my thank yous to the host and hostess, she tells me her brother-n-law was asking about me. He was interested in asking for my number. She said she'd urged him to but he said he couldn't because I was with my daughter.
I asked his name.
She caught herself just as she was about to say it.."Chris..."
"Are you fucking kidding me..." was my response.
She said he lived in Brooklyn, nice guy.
I said "That's nice. Tell him I said hi, then."...but we both knew it wouldn't work. I have a hard enough time getting to 10 miles away from my house. Brooklyn is far fetched.
But see the karma?

SMH - ...I don't want anyone else. No matter how I try, how I twist it, how it turns, the nights, the days, I just don't want anyone else but MY Chris.
Find a way, please.
I can't live like this. I can't function on this level.
You didn't make me to go on like this.
You didn't build me to suffer for love.
You built me to love.
I like to think you built me to be loved too.
Help me, please.