I haven't been on here in a quite some time. I guess it was me not acknowledging my feelings by not having to focus on writing it down. I'm still hurt, but I'm not only just hurt now, because my feelings have evolved.
I'm angry.
I'm bitter.
I'm resentful.
Angry at him because it still hasn't hit him how he's messing his life up. But who am I to tell him how to live. Certainly not his mother.
Bitter because I gave, and gave and got hurt and GAVE some more. I wasn't good enough to pick on his own. People usually know after a few days, even some weeks. But it's been months.
Resentful because I did everything I could to hold on. And it didn't resonate in him. He hated being here so him reflecting on anything I did means diddly. He didn't appreciate a damn thing so he can't say "Oh, I miss that...” or anything along those lines.
But it's all part of the process right?
My reason for even writing today isn't to think about him.
It was to say 'Thank you' to ...mainly to God.
He's taken care of me since I fell.
I remember when I used to pray, all I did was pray. I wrote my prayers, I cried myself to sleep with my prayers. And all I prayed for was him. To have him come back. Have him come for me, for us, to want to be with me. Build a life with me.
And you know what God did? He ignored those prayers. Still, he does.
But you know what he did?
He made me strong to hold onto my home that I PICKED, that I worked HARD for. He let me be able to keep it, so that I could provide that home for myself and my daughter.
He gave me a second job. And with no real difficulty.
He gave me friends who helped me so much, I could never really say how much I appreciated them.
He gave me the motivation, despite having my heart stomped on repeatedly, to keep my chin up, even when I was on my knees every fucking day...
He gave me the persistence to go after things that seemed out of my league because of education and or experience.
He gave me a natural disaster to allow me to step up and shine...so that those professional lacking, didn't seem so much. And I was ushered into a new era in my life.
He gave me an understanding family that through our misunderstandings, still hold me up and hold me strong.
He gave me my health, so I'd always be able to protect and care for my daughter.
He gave me a great opportunity to further my networking and with that, opened up several doors for me.
He is offering me financial freedom, even if it takes a few months; he has made it more than possible now.
He's given me the confidence to look for bigger, better things.
That includes not just a brand new job, but to look for a home that Jaiden and I can call our own.
He's also given me a HUGE HUGE positive...yesterday I spoke to a lawyer that I hadn't had contact with in about 3 years.
Quick and short: because Chris had left me high and dry during my pregnancy, I was left with a lot of debt ...as a single, unemployed mother who was just coming out of a major c-section surgery, watching all those bills pile up and just suffocate me, I was sent a check in the mail. I took it as a sign, and without actually READING it properly, used it to pay off said debts.
In fact, that check was supposed to be sent to the hospital for yet ANOTHER bill.
I ended up having a suit filed against me for that money. And I owned up to my mistake.
Chris was aware of it. And never once offered to help me pay for any of it still. Never even spoke of it. Asked about it.
And I'm taking a large amount of money here. Not just hundreds, but thousands. I tried to appeal to the doctor, the lawyer, I wrote letters, made calls, even had my insurance company on the phone speaking to them on my behalf, that I made a mistake and wanted to rectify it. I'd go on a payment plan if possible. Mind you, I was still broke and very much unemployed.
They wouldn't hear me out.
So that suit sat on my credit report for 3 years. When I went to talk to a mortgage officer last week, he gave me some advice. Reach out to them again and see if a settlement, something could be worked out, possibly. He even said, honestly, perhaps, that if I could gather the money to get a settlement, do it. He said it might be hard or close to impossible to get a payment plan set because it's a substantial amount of money and despite the fact it's been 3 years and they want their money, they might not want to have to keep up with something like that. I took it into deep consideration. He also said to let him know if I got my promotion so he could update my files. The more money I make the more I would qualify for as a first time home buyer as far as loans and such.
Yesterday I called back the lawyer...and was trying to appeal to him yet again. I let him know I had no intention of running away from this as if I'd get out of paying it. I wasn't. I wanted to get it off my back. I offered to make payments. I did fib a lil. I didn't tell him how long I was at my job or the amount of hours I work, or that I just got a promotion. I said it was part time at 8$ an hour and I was recently employed and I wanted to get something going on this suit. I made it seem as though the suit was a priority.
And it is, just not top-of-the-list.
I offered to pay 50$ a month...but he said he wouldn't be able to do that. So I offered to pay a little more and made it seem as though I'd be making some huge sacrifice to make that work. Why? If I could get this taken off my credit report because an agreement was come to, I would be able to go ahead with buying a home in the future. It made that dream more tangible. Not immediate but definitely sooner than expected.
So a little bit later today I'll be calling that mortgage advisor back and speak to him about this. Ask if this helps me in any way and what's the next step to getting it removed from my credit report.
I've never been a religious person, but I've always believed in a higher power. I believe in fate, in karma, in love and in things I can't see. God might not have given me Chris back. As much as I want him. As much as I want to share every good and bad thing with him. He doesn't see it fit yet. Might not at all. And that hurts ...but I'll press forward with these small favors.
I didn't even tell Chris I was interviewing for the position, much less gotten it.
I guess a part of me thinks he'll take advantage of that small positive and make it a negative. He'll think he doesn't have to pay me on time for the child support or he doesn't have to ...wait. He doesn't do shit else!!
Just child support and even that is like pulling teeth because it's a fight every time.
When my schedule changes, my plan is to simply say they needed me in another facility and since I need the job I couldn't say no.
I don't know what else to do. I hate being deceitful.
But this...this is a betterment for my daughter and I. Because he doesn't care enough.
Life is finding order, but much like the rest of my life, its not in the order I planned it. And even if it's missing the one thing I truly want, I'll take what I'm given and be grateful and thankful.
Next on my agenda? Learning to drive to work. -_-
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