...what a life.

I was just staring at my phone saying "I don't want to" but I don't know why I'm here. Writing. Nothing new to say. Nothing to reveal other than a clear and utter miserable notion...I want him to be rejected, hurt, alone, agonized. The very day after I told him to his face I wanted nothing to do with him, the very next day he says he loves me. The day after he sends flowers and then day after that we never speak again until I had to throw him out...he came over with no warning, no call. On my weekend. To take her food shopping at 9pm...I said no. it spurred a fight and I asked him to leave. I didn't ask. I said he needed to go. Since then it's been silence. He took her late on his weekend, after bring me dinner. And we haven't heard from him since I picked her up promptly on Sunday at 5pm.

It was his birthday yesterday...and his mother had the gall to text me and say "it would be nice if Chris got a call from Jaiden wishing him a happy birthday" I wanted to reply to that in so many different ways but I ignored her.

Chris doesn't acknowledge us at all. So fuck him ESPECIALLY on his birthday.

I've been emotionally hurt the past few times because of Jaiden. She says the damnest things..."I don't like when you comb my hair, I like when Daddy does."

"I wish daddy would come home."

"Mommy do you care about daddy?"

"I wish my daddy would come and get me. "

...I can't do this..I can't face those words. i get hurt. MY FEELINGS are too fragile to handle this garbage. I get it. She's 3. She knows what's going on and she's trying to make sense of it too. She's with me all the time. He lets her do whatever the fuck she wants. He's the fun person. I'm the actual parent. The rule-maker. The deal breaker. The law. And it KILLS me when she asks for him and acts like he's so fucking wonderful. I shut down. I get so angry and so hurt, I have to just shut up...because I can't scream and yell at a child. And when I do cry about it she will say she's sorry but she has no idea what she's sorry for because 5 minutes later, she's saying the same fucking shit again. Daddy this and daddy that and I can't...

HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HER.

And he knows it. I know it.

Last week his friend was telling me he's been mass texting people to go out bar hopping and clubbing for his birthday. He did the same last night for tonight. 34 years old and he still chooses to live like he's 21.
And here I am carrying this huge emotional burden of a child who wants a person she only knows as 'daddy' and talks to me like I'm nothing to her. Like I don't provide and take care of her, love her and teach her.
When I picked her up she said "mommy Daddy's family loves me, they buy me things. "...
...as if his stupid ass doesn't break my heart enough, I have to hear it from her. Everything I do I've done for her, for us and it feels like it's for nothing. She's with everyone and against me.

...I can't...