Young love.

There's so much I could say. But really, what else can I say except I think I might MIGHT be sorta kinda over Chris.

Maybe. I might just be caught up in all the joys and excitement of someone new.
Who knew???
Me...finding someone new.
And it wasn't even me. It was all him.
And granted there are many vast differences between us - the biggest one being our age difference. Aside from that...things are awesome. And I'm afraid that with age, that changes. But with every visit, which isn't often, as we're both very busy, every text, which is also not often because ..again, busy. He assures me of a future.
But it's still too soon to tell.

Last night he slipped up and we both heard it ...he said the infamous 3 words. His only reaction as he stuffed his face into the pillow was "Aw fuck..."...
And here's the best part.
It took me some time to hold his hand.
To kiss him.
We haven't slept together. As much as I want to. And yes I want to but that's because I haven't had sex in like, 7 months. I told him I don't want to be 'that girl.' His reply was "You know and I know you are not that girl and will never be."...

He's so young. But he makes me feel wonderous.
God, you've got a wild sense of humor.
You gave me something so amazing in the package of a 19 year old male. Lol.

Fuck....

But he is genuinely concerned with my happiness.
He physically loves every part of me, from the differences of our palms to my 'bony shoulders' as he so 'eloquently' put it.
He's kind.
He's patient.
He's fine with helping me regain who I was ...like, really was.
I love listening to him speak about his jobs, his volunteering, his studying, his goals and aspirations. And I enjoy telling him how wonderful he makes me feel. And so does he. Lol.
He admits he enjoys the validation I give him of how great he is because it's motivation for him to be more, be better - because as awesome as he is, he thinks, get this..HE THINKS HE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

And I can't ruin this. I can't self-sabotage this.
And I feel like I might. And seriously, the best part about all my insecurities and inhibitions is, I can talk to him about it and we can work through it, together. He really does listen and soothe me. He makes it all ok. He makes me forget all the horrible things and how cruel some men are. But then again, I chalk it up to his age, his youth, and his lack of know.

He hasn't been ripped apart by someone he's given his all too and it frightens me that I might be that person to teach him what a broken heart is really like. I don't want to hurt him. I'm trying so hard not to hurt him.
It's frightening how much I like him.
It's only been a few weeks and I feel like I might be more than in like.
But I know better, and my adult mind tells me this isn't love. It might be down the line but right now, it's not. It cannot be.

He says he sees us getting married and having kids. Soon. And when I asked why the rush his response is that he knows if he waits too long, I either won't want to have children or may not be able to. He wants kids of his own. Kids he's 'forged' as he put it. Lol. And he also doesn't want me to be 'too old' when our child graduates high school or college, and then he still wants us to be able to enoy life together. WHAT 19 YEAR OLD SAYS THESE THINGS!!! (the kind that doesn't know)....I feel like crap for feeling that way but it's true.

He feels as though one day Jaiden will be his daughter, so he considers her as such now. When he talks to her he is reminded that one day...in the future she might be his step-daughter and he wants another child.
He wants a family he can share things with and teach and enjoy life with.
These are great things to want. But am I the right one to want them with.

TBC!