Judge me
I know I haven’t been on this in a long while. I have had so
much going on that I just don’t have the time nor the patience to sit behind my
PC and write up my thoughts and ideas. Mainly because I’m afraid of how I’d
judge me. Not so much anyone else, but as I said, writing it puts it out there,
in perspective, in black and white reality. The words are right there staring
back at me. I have this current sliver of self-loathing for myself since
Saturday. Or even Mother’s Day. Why? Because I kissed Chris. Or rather he
kissed me and I kissed him back.
Since Ethan started to pursue me, I’ve enjoyed the
attention. He’s very loving and sweet. Honestly, he’s the sweetest. He’s also
11 years younger than I. And truly, the only time I pay attention to our age,
is when I’m alone. I don’t treat him like a child but he does childish things.
He borderlines annoying and irritating. But he’s 19. I can’t fault him for
acting his age.
I'm just ..I have my ideas of what I like and what I don't like. How I want things done and all that jazz. I feel unfair to him because I know he feels judged. I don't know what it is but sometimes he really does aggravate me to no end.
A week ago I had to have a very professional conversation with him because he seems to think acting, dressing and talking a certain way because he's JUST an INTERN at my job deems him unaccountable. Wrong. Dead wrong. I told him he has no idea who he'll meet, who is looking or listening to him when he's running his mouth and it can affect him in the future once he graduates. He thought I was using that as a smoke screen for trying to tell him he embarrasses me at work. And you know what, on some level, he does. Because he acts like a child - but I didn't tell him that.
I just wanted him to know he has to treat this as he would anything else he'd hope to get ahead in. He HAS to respect it if he wants the same. He has to dress and walk and act a certain way. And I think he heard me. Because I made sure to assert the fact that it wasn't a PERSONAL attack on him. It was a manager talking to an intern about his habits and behavior at work.
The next day he changed his attire. His actions changed. Granted he still thinks he can hug me at work. Which sometimes it's doable, but most often than not, it's not.
I just want him to understand that in the work field, it's not games and 'sliding by'. Regardless of who he is.
Unfortunately, it was short lived but I can only hope it carries over. He got another internship doing something he likes with another company. So he will no longer be here. I hope he keeps the dress code and work mentality in mind when he goes toward the next step.
We have a lot of deep discussions. And I know it changes how he sees me, and part of me just doesn't care.
I want him to somehow realize this isn't what he needs. I can be a stepping stone for him to something bigger, greater. Maybe someone more understanding and wonderful to him, for him. I think that's also why I haven't slept with him either. I just can't bring myself to. He's not Chris. He doesn't know me, my body, where to touch me, how to touch me, despite how much eh wants to.
Speaking of which, I did however see Chris Sunday on his weekend. We all spent the day together. Him, myself and Jaiden. It was wonderful.
And then again on Monday when he brought her home. He ended up staying longer than anticipated and needless to say, that 8 month hiatus of physical contact from anyone, Chris himself being the past person I was with, was shattered. I couldn't say no and e couldn't keep away. We just fell into each other.
And so now...I feel that self loathing because why? I'm kind of with Ethan, and I slept with Chris. And won't sleep with Ethan. Is that wrong? Am I ...well yes it is cheating technically. And I hate that I've done it. And I keep thinking "But it was with Chris and he's the only one I want" as if those words would make what I did ok. As if it would excuse me from doing it. I just...I can't sleep with Ethan and have it mean something and I don't want to sleep with him and have it mean nothing. To him he doesn't care. He's a guy. He's a horny 19 year old guy.
But to me, it's worlds different.
And to me, Chris is everything ...
I'm torn between having something so great and wanting something so wrong.
It makes me just another statistic, really. I've got a great person who wants to be and give me everything and is concerned with my happiness and well being, and I'm busy chasing after the asshole who doesn't give a fuck.
I can't win. or maybe I can and I just don't want to.
I need patience and resolve for this dilemma. Because I can't keep this charade up. As much fun as it is to always have someone worship the ground you walk on while you're carrying some douchebag on your back, I can't do it anymore. I can't do it to myself or to Ethan.
This sucks.
I'm just ..I have my ideas of what I like and what I don't like. How I want things done and all that jazz. I feel unfair to him because I know he feels judged. I don't know what it is but sometimes he really does aggravate me to no end.
A week ago I had to have a very professional conversation with him because he seems to think acting, dressing and talking a certain way because he's JUST an INTERN at my job deems him unaccountable. Wrong. Dead wrong. I told him he has no idea who he'll meet, who is looking or listening to him when he's running his mouth and it can affect him in the future once he graduates. He thought I was using that as a smoke screen for trying to tell him he embarrasses me at work. And you know what, on some level, he does. Because he acts like a child - but I didn't tell him that.
I just wanted him to know he has to treat this as he would anything else he'd hope to get ahead in. He HAS to respect it if he wants the same. He has to dress and walk and act a certain way. And I think he heard me. Because I made sure to assert the fact that it wasn't a PERSONAL attack on him. It was a manager talking to an intern about his habits and behavior at work.
The next day he changed his attire. His actions changed. Granted he still thinks he can hug me at work. Which sometimes it's doable, but most often than not, it's not.
I just want him to understand that in the work field, it's not games and 'sliding by'. Regardless of who he is.
Unfortunately, it was short lived but I can only hope it carries over. He got another internship doing something he likes with another company. So he will no longer be here. I hope he keeps the dress code and work mentality in mind when he goes toward the next step.
We have a lot of deep discussions. And I know it changes how he sees me, and part of me just doesn't care.
I want him to somehow realize this isn't what he needs. I can be a stepping stone for him to something bigger, greater. Maybe someone more understanding and wonderful to him, for him. I think that's also why I haven't slept with him either. I just can't bring myself to. He's not Chris. He doesn't know me, my body, where to touch me, how to touch me, despite how much eh wants to.
Speaking of which, I did however see Chris Sunday on his weekend. We all spent the day together. Him, myself and Jaiden. It was wonderful.
And then again on Monday when he brought her home. He ended up staying longer than anticipated and needless to say, that 8 month hiatus of physical contact from anyone, Chris himself being the past person I was with, was shattered. I couldn't say no and e couldn't keep away. We just fell into each other.
And so now...I feel that self loathing because why? I'm kind of with Ethan, and I slept with Chris. And won't sleep with Ethan. Is that wrong? Am I ...well yes it is cheating technically. And I hate that I've done it. And I keep thinking "But it was with Chris and he's the only one I want" as if those words would make what I did ok. As if it would excuse me from doing it. I just...I can't sleep with Ethan and have it mean something and I don't want to sleep with him and have it mean nothing. To him he doesn't care. He's a guy. He's a horny 19 year old guy.
But to me, it's worlds different.
And to me, Chris is everything ...
I'm torn between having something so great and wanting something so wrong.
It makes me just another statistic, really. I've got a great person who wants to be and give me everything and is concerned with my happiness and well being, and I'm busy chasing after the asshole who doesn't give a fuck.
I can't win. or maybe I can and I just don't want to.
I need patience and resolve for this dilemma. Because I can't keep this charade up. As much fun as it is to always have someone worship the ground you walk on while you're carrying some douchebag on your back, I can't do it anymore. I can't do it to myself or to Ethan.
This sucks.
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