5 and a half months.

Today is...Tuesday. November 27th, 2012.

5 and a half months ago, my whole world was ripped away from me. I thought i had everything. I had a job that allowed me the flexibility to be with my child, have days off and not be in constant professional demand. It gave me a home life. I was lacking one thing. A home. Yes I had somewhere to go with my daughter at the end of the day, a warm bed. Someone was there. But no one was waiting. There was no warmth, no love. No future within those walls.

That house wasn't home. It was just somewhere someone else was forced to be because of no thought or action of his own. He was pressured to be and pressured to stay. By everyone but me. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want a family. A home. My being pregnant solidified my place in his life, but not in his family. If I had to have his child, his family made sure I'd always be just that and that alone. His baby momma. And he let them have those reigns to control his life. His decisions, his choices.

5 and a half months ago, he got up and left us.
And my world fell apart. The one person I'd loved for so long, lost, and found years later, didn't want me anymore.
Part of me still feels he's ashamed to be with me.
I'm not..white enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not rich enough.
Not slutty enough.
Not promiscuous enough.
Not fat enough.
Not bosom heavy enough.
I'm not their choice for him.

And he's ok with that.
Because it makes him making the decision to be with me something he doesn't have to do.
His priorities don't include us.
It included getting a new big screen tv and new furniture and a new apartment. A new life. That did not include me.

5 and a half months later. I still cry. I still love and I still ache.
But I pressed forward.
My reward? I got something I deserved. Finally, a job that can offer Jaiden and I more.
More security than he ever did.
More happiness.

And ...through all the happiness this has brought me. I find myself crying more because he's not here to share it with. He's not here to celebrate and be happy with me.
This was a great victory for me.
A personal victory.
And it doesn't feel like ...anything ..simply because of him. He's cheapened one of the BEST things that could  have happened to me, yet again. He ruined my pregnancy, he made me so depressed.
And with that done, I still gave.

Even today: I found out he was sick. So I took my daughter with me to his house, with soup, medicine ..and made it up for him. After 45 minutes, we left. We both, she and I...cried in the car.
And all we could do was hold each other.
What 3 year old deserves this.

A selfish person ...
Uncaring. Ungiving.

But I got it together, and we went home.
And now...we move on.
I know God has more in store for us, Jaiden and I. Good things. And we are ready.
But being ready really doesn't stop the pain in my heart.
Getting that job, having that money, working out that plan with that lawyer, doesn't stop the ache in side my ..because we are without him. And he doesn't care.