Blah

I don't know what to feel. What to think.
I'm trying to just let the days go by til I have to move. I still can't bring myself to pack anything. I can't bring myself to do anything except what I have to do and work. My ex visited today. We don't talk often but when we do it's brief. He's facing a lot being that he's losing his mother slowly but surely.
But all the while he was here, talking, trying to cheer me up, trying to help me sort my head out, I kept thinking of Chris. And while thinking of him, he texted.
I miss his voice. As stupid as that may sound.
I miss his smile.

I miss the way he held my hand as we drove home from the beach. The way he touches my cheek or my chin.
I like this person now. I hate myself for wanting him now. Not that I didn't always want him.
I hate the space between.

These words

... When she said her friend was losing her marriage it hurt. I don't even know her friend and it hurt. Love had fallen yet again. And here I was on the same path to losing what I want. It's all I could think about today.
And him on the beach. But that's besides the point. She's right. I am sad more than I want to be. When he told me over the phone that in the back of his mind he does want me to wait for him it somehow set me at ease. But then he said he still doesn't want to be with me. And it hurt.
He seems so sure about what he's doing. He seems happy. He was excited to leave and be in his own. That part of life he never got to live seems amazing. He wants it. He said he was excited to get to live on his own because he never had.
Amazing how I'd lived a whole lifetime before him. His is just out of order, somewhat.
Mine was school, job, on my own, boyfriend, moved in with him, moved out, Chris, baby, moved in, broke up. Chris' was school, job, lots of girls, baby, moved in, broke up, moved out.

He said he believed in fate. And while he was on the phone he got that call about him not getting to move for another month and a half. I told him, jokingly of course, God was trying to tell him something.
At least we laughed about it.
I find it warming that he does text me, as random the content, almost every day. Maybe it's the fact he's used to texting me random things, or he's got no one else to share it with. Today was a pink car that he took a picture if while at work, said it would be Jaiden's first.
Yesterday was him telling me the songs he's been addicted to lately. Just...simple things.
At night he's resumed his game playing habits. How do I know? I can see his name and what game he's playing when I get on my PS3.
But it passes the time, right? I know he goes stir crazy there.
Enveloping himself into tv and games is his distracting himself, his running and not dealing with whatever.
In my head, I understand everything thats happening.
I'm trying to get my heart on board with that.
Lately I'm trying to figure out what I truly love and miss about him. Maybe when I have some of those answers I may not ache for him so much. Because it wasn't just him depressed and sad for those 3 years. But I actually tried to make changes.
I need to pack his things away too. Maybe it'll help.
Maybe it won't.
Maybe these are just words.


Sent from my iPhone

Utterly confused

That's been my theme lately. And every time I see him it gets more so.
"I still feel like I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to be with you. "...those are and have been his closing words. "I love you but I don't want to be with you.." once again on the phone today.

He popped up on Facebook for the first time in 3 years today. I know he saw everything I've said on mine from the last few days.
But he seemed unphased. I explained it's from days before, days just after it happened. I was angry. He said he knew and he understood. it was fine.

"I think about you guys when I'm sitting alone, I miss you. I miss you a lot. But I don't know if that's just me being lonely."

Yesterday at the beach was surreal.
He got here late but explained why. He was completely prepared. Unbrella, blanket, beach chairs, drinks, food, snacks. I was too. We really did look like a family. Off we went to the beach, for the first time. Ever.

We got there, unloaded and set anything up. Jaiden was excited to get there and see the sand, the water. The waves scared her but she adapted to the sand well. Because of the wind and the waves, he spoke and I couldn't hear. Lots of comments, nothing mean and snide, but rather, flirtatious, said under his breath. He took the liberty of taking several photos even. Of me. When I wasn't looking, but I saw them on his camera.

When we're together it's not strained, not awkward, unless we have to get close. And then I remember. "He broke up with me."
But yesterday - that wasn't present at all. He sat with me while Jaiden was indulging in the sand. And he held me, and he hugged me, and stole what seemed to be less than innocent kisses which turned into a slight moment of making out on the beach, just us. With Jaiden in the background playing in the sand. What made it more perfect? She could look at us to the others passing by and say "It's my mommy and daddy" rather than...something more embarrassing. But that moment felt complete. It felt right. It felt perfect. And he agreed.  But then he said he didn't know if that was real, or if it was him just missing me and being lonely - again. And that he couldn't base everything off of "That one time on the beach.."...
It's like he's trying to build more substance to define the relationship to himself.
But it baffles me. Why try so hard and act so...lovingly with someone who you can still say "I don't want to be with you."?
He thinks he's doing this all for Jaiden. All the outings, all the get togethers. The fireworks, the amusement rides, the beach. All for her.
He got bad news today - when he thought he would be moving out in 3 weeks into his new place, has turned into a month and a half, just about. Because the apartment he'd settled for was re-signed by its current tenant for another year. So he goes back on the waiting list.
I found it funny when he mentioned how much his family has offered to FURNISH his new apartment and how much his sister has offered to SELL him her old furniture. <--genius cunt move right there. The bitch is all about money. But then so is her mother.
I'll never forget before all this happened and he was home from the surgery and even before then from not working and he had to borrow money from his parents to go to LA for his job, and they took it RIGHT BACK AS SOON as he got his debit card from disability. He wasn't even here and they just took it. His mother activated the card and withdrew the money. Even after he asked them to wait, and let him pay the bills first or whatever.
They still took it.

Some family right?
We talked today for a long while. On the phone. And he thinks he's right for going, he thinks it'll help him realize if he really does want me or he's fine without me. Again - makes no sense. He said in the back of his head, in the back of him mind, he wants to tell me to wait for him. Because he knows me. He knows how I love. He knows I'll wait. I won't even dream of seeing someone else. Just like he waited for me.
I know what I want.
He knows what I want.

After all the ..'perfectness' on the beach ended yesterday and we drove home - as he exited the apartment he told me he loved me.
Yet - when I brought it up today he said he'd refrain from saying it or being as affectionate. "I know it hurts you so I won't do it. I'm sorry" basically. Yet he's doing it because he WANTS to. If it's how you feel why wouldn't you do/say it.

I get it, but I don't get it.
*sigh*...I love him...

Unlikely fright

I keep getting sad every time I think of him moving. 3 weeks. And then it hits me every time after - I need to not stay here. I need to not focus on him and what he's doing.
I know he'll have a fit when that court summons appears for him in a few days. Then he'll know it's for real. The paperwork is real. That court date is real. And Child Support is real.

This break up is real.
All these excursions will stop. The not-a-date outings he plans. He'll be angry that I actually did it.
And then he'll decide to not pay the rent or the bills til September like he said he would.

Everytime I start looking, or thinking I feel like I'm overwhelmed and over my head.
I don't want to go home. I can't afford to live here and I don't want to not leave here. I don't want to stay here either.
Everyone gets a fresh start but us.
I'm annoyed at myself now.

It has to be the booze

And even then,  I only had 2 beers. But I feel extremely elated. I did, perhaps a stupid move tonight. But after I got home, I called him. And asked him to come out for a drink. And he accepted. And now it's over 2 hour later and I feel enamored. Nothing happened, except we sat there and had light conversation about nothing at all. About him moving into his own place in 3 weeks. I told him he'd be ok.
We didn't talk about us. We didn't talk about Jaiden. ..we kept it light. He paid the tab even though I offered to pay my half. And then drove me home despite it being a 2 second drive.
...
And now the only song I want to hear is Love Touch - Rod Stewart.
My poor heart.
I'm lost in what love ought to be rather than what it is.

I wish you'd understand

Why I said you couldnt have her. The fact that you lied. About telling me pissed me off. Because if you had, the answer would have been no then and we wouldn't have has that fight. I hate your mother. I hate your sister.
I'll never be the person they want for you. So they'll never leave you alone. They'll always meddle. Always poison your mind.

You reminded me that you were miserable. That somehow I was at fault. You reminded me that it's your money paying for what I have. I've never once utilized money in any way that it wasn't supposed to be. Not while you were here not when you left. So to attack me with talk about money was low. To tell me it's my ego talking was wrong. Harsh. But that's majority of your words to me. Harsh. Hurtful. Cold.

You don't see the pain you inflict because you think you're right in very choice you've made so far. So my feeling don't matter. Just that you're doing everything you're doing for Jaiden. And that should be enough.

But if you'd take the time to notice, I don't talk to you about us. I don't initiate any physical contact. I don't call you. I don't make plans with you.

I've been nothing less than kind to you even though you talk to me and treat me like crap. I'm the only one who's ever encouraged you to do and be good to your family when they neglected us.
I've supported every avenue you pursued. I backed you up. I looked out for you.

And you can't do the same for me.
So now because of this, I'm the enemy. I look evil like I purposely don't want you to see you're daughter. I won't let your family see her.
It's whatever.
I know why I said no. And I know why I got mad. You should have known better.
You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Want me to move out now? I can be gone in a day. Because of today I expect no less because I know your mother and sister will fill your head with shit.

Because of them, we won't ever be together.

Sent from my iPhone

Oh look

...a fight out of no where. Over the fact he can't take Jaiden to his parents house. He said he understood she can't be there when he first left. It's hot. There's a million cats. Everything just spiralled all because I couldn't lie and say we weren't home or something. He said he said something yesterday but he didn't. He did however, tell Jaiden. Because she said something about seeing the 'white grandma's house with daddy'. So he told her he'd come back for her. But he failed to tell me.

Amidst all the ranting he said 'another reason for me leaving'.  which I didn't completely understand but whatever. I'm not using Jaiden as a weapon. I didn't say he couldn't see her. He just can't take her there. How hard is that to comprehend. Then he started ranting about money and how he's paying for everything, the apartment ..all for jaiden. Like I'm dirt. I'm nothing more than dirt.

All this garbage...
And then he ends it with 'Fine, we're done.'
Said he was going to ignore me for a while so he doesn't say something he regrets.
I'll do the same. I'll ignore him too.

All this is doing is making sure we stand no chance in hell of being together.
My plans stay as it is. I'll be finishing the child support papers either Thursday or Friday. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep giving him power.
All it does is hurt.