Utterly confused

That's been my theme lately. And every time I see him it gets more so.
"I still feel like I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to be with you. "...those are and have been his closing words. "I love you but I don't want to be with you.." once again on the phone today.

He popped up on Facebook for the first time in 3 years today. I know he saw everything I've said on mine from the last few days.
But he seemed unphased. I explained it's from days before, days just after it happened. I was angry. He said he knew and he understood. it was fine.

"I think about you guys when I'm sitting alone, I miss you. I miss you a lot. But I don't know if that's just me being lonely."

Yesterday at the beach was surreal.
He got here late but explained why. He was completely prepared. Unbrella, blanket, beach chairs, drinks, food, snacks. I was too. We really did look like a family. Off we went to the beach, for the first time. Ever.

We got there, unloaded and set anything up. Jaiden was excited to get there and see the sand, the water. The waves scared her but she adapted to the sand well. Because of the wind and the waves, he spoke and I couldn't hear. Lots of comments, nothing mean and snide, but rather, flirtatious, said under his breath. He took the liberty of taking several photos even. Of me. When I wasn't looking, but I saw them on his camera.

When we're together it's not strained, not awkward, unless we have to get close. And then I remember. "He broke up with me."
But yesterday - that wasn't present at all. He sat with me while Jaiden was indulging in the sand. And he held me, and he hugged me, and stole what seemed to be less than innocent kisses which turned into a slight moment of making out on the beach, just us. With Jaiden in the background playing in the sand. What made it more perfect? She could look at us to the others passing by and say "It's my mommy and daddy" rather than...something more embarrassing. But that moment felt complete. It felt right. It felt perfect. And he agreed.  But then he said he didn't know if that was real, or if it was him just missing me and being lonely - again. And that he couldn't base everything off of "That one time on the beach.."...
It's like he's trying to build more substance to define the relationship to himself.
But it baffles me. Why try so hard and act so...lovingly with someone who you can still say "I don't want to be with you."?
He thinks he's doing this all for Jaiden. All the outings, all the get togethers. The fireworks, the amusement rides, the beach. All for her.
He got bad news today - when he thought he would be moving out in 3 weeks into his new place, has turned into a month and a half, just about. Because the apartment he'd settled for was re-signed by its current tenant for another year. So he goes back on the waiting list.
I found it funny when he mentioned how much his family has offered to FURNISH his new apartment and how much his sister has offered to SELL him her old furniture. <--genius cunt move right there. The bitch is all about money. But then so is her mother.
I'll never forget before all this happened and he was home from the surgery and even before then from not working and he had to borrow money from his parents to go to LA for his job, and they took it RIGHT BACK AS SOON as he got his debit card from disability. He wasn't even here and they just took it. His mother activated the card and withdrew the money. Even after he asked them to wait, and let him pay the bills first or whatever.
They still took it.

Some family right?
We talked today for a long while. On the phone. And he thinks he's right for going, he thinks it'll help him realize if he really does want me or he's fine without me. Again - makes no sense. He said in the back of his head, in the back of him mind, he wants to tell me to wait for him. Because he knows me. He knows how I love. He knows I'll wait. I won't even dream of seeing someone else. Just like he waited for me.
I know what I want.
He knows what I want.

After all the ..'perfectness' on the beach ended yesterday and we drove home - as he exited the apartment he told me he loved me.
Yet - when I brought it up today he said he'd refrain from saying it or being as affectionate. "I know it hurts you so I won't do it. I'm sorry" basically. Yet he's doing it because he WANTS to. If it's how you feel why wouldn't you do/say it.

I get it, but I don't get it.
*sigh*...I love him...

Unlikely fright

I keep getting sad every time I think of him moving. 3 weeks. And then it hits me every time after - I need to not stay here. I need to not focus on him and what he's doing.
I know he'll have a fit when that court summons appears for him in a few days. Then he'll know it's for real. The paperwork is real. That court date is real. And Child Support is real.

This break up is real.
All these excursions will stop. The not-a-date outings he plans. He'll be angry that I actually did it.
And then he'll decide to not pay the rent or the bills til September like he said he would.

Everytime I start looking, or thinking I feel like I'm overwhelmed and over my head.
I don't want to go home. I can't afford to live here and I don't want to not leave here. I don't want to stay here either.
Everyone gets a fresh start but us.
I'm annoyed at myself now.

It has to be the booze

And even then,  I only had 2 beers. But I feel extremely elated. I did, perhaps a stupid move tonight. But after I got home, I called him. And asked him to come out for a drink. And he accepted. And now it's over 2 hour later and I feel enamored. Nothing happened, except we sat there and had light conversation about nothing at all. About him moving into his own place in 3 weeks. I told him he'd be ok.
We didn't talk about us. We didn't talk about Jaiden. ..we kept it light. He paid the tab even though I offered to pay my half. And then drove me home despite it being a 2 second drive.
...
And now the only song I want to hear is Love Touch - Rod Stewart.
My poor heart.
I'm lost in what love ought to be rather than what it is.

I wish you'd understand

Why I said you couldnt have her. The fact that you lied. About telling me pissed me off. Because if you had, the answer would have been no then and we wouldn't have has that fight. I hate your mother. I hate your sister.
I'll never be the person they want for you. So they'll never leave you alone. They'll always meddle. Always poison your mind.

You reminded me that you were miserable. That somehow I was at fault. You reminded me that it's your money paying for what I have. I've never once utilized money in any way that it wasn't supposed to be. Not while you were here not when you left. So to attack me with talk about money was low. To tell me it's my ego talking was wrong. Harsh. But that's majority of your words to me. Harsh. Hurtful. Cold.

You don't see the pain you inflict because you think you're right in very choice you've made so far. So my feeling don't matter. Just that you're doing everything you're doing for Jaiden. And that should be enough.

But if you'd take the time to notice, I don't talk to you about us. I don't initiate any physical contact. I don't call you. I don't make plans with you.

I've been nothing less than kind to you even though you talk to me and treat me like crap. I'm the only one who's ever encouraged you to do and be good to your family when they neglected us.
I've supported every avenue you pursued. I backed you up. I looked out for you.

And you can't do the same for me.
So now because of this, I'm the enemy. I look evil like I purposely don't want you to see you're daughter. I won't let your family see her.
It's whatever.
I know why I said no. And I know why I got mad. You should have known better.
You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Want me to move out now? I can be gone in a day. Because of today I expect no less because I know your mother and sister will fill your head with shit.

Because of them, we won't ever be together.

Sent from my iPhone

Oh look

...a fight out of no where. Over the fact he can't take Jaiden to his parents house. He said he understood she can't be there when he first left. It's hot. There's a million cats. Everything just spiralled all because I couldn't lie and say we weren't home or something. He said he said something yesterday but he didn't. He did however, tell Jaiden. Because she said something about seeing the 'white grandma's house with daddy'. So he told her he'd come back for her. But he failed to tell me.

Amidst all the ranting he said 'another reason for me leaving'.  which I didn't completely understand but whatever. I'm not using Jaiden as a weapon. I didn't say he couldn't see her. He just can't take her there. How hard is that to comprehend. Then he started ranting about money and how he's paying for everything, the apartment ..all for jaiden. Like I'm dirt. I'm nothing more than dirt.

All this garbage...
And then he ends it with 'Fine, we're done.'
Said he was going to ignore me for a while so he doesn't say something he regrets.
I'll do the same. I'll ignore him too.

All this is doing is making sure we stand no chance in hell of being together.
My plans stay as it is. I'll be finishing the child support papers either Thursday or Friday. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep giving him power.
All it does is hurt.

Tomorrow

...I know he's been saying it for two weeks now, but tomorrow he's off of work. So he'll finally be moving his things out. So he says. I know he wants to take Jaiden to see his parents for the 4th. But he knows he can't. He didn't directly ask. But because my car was 'vandalized' he said he'd go check out some junk yards for me. And then asked Jaiden if she wanted to come along. She's 3. It's junk yards. Not a playground. Makes no sense.

Tonight we got together to go see the fireworks. It wasn't a long night and I had fun. After he dropped us off, she'd fallen asleep in the car so he put her to bed.

Before he left we just...held each other. A long, long hug. I wanted to point out that we'd never done that before. But I figure why ruin it.
But it felt different. A longing. Strange but not. I want to say 'lustful' but I don't lust for him. I love him.

Before he walked out the door as I took off my shoes he asked me to turn around in the dress I was in.
Said he liked the new outfits. I said I'd always had them, but we never went anywhere.
Touché he replied. Touché. And exited

Tomorrow it will hurt to watch him take his things out. I know it'll hurt a lot. Maybe I'll just go hide at my parents house with Jaiden so we don't have to see him leaving.
Tomorrow might just hurt more than I want it to. Because God knows how hard this is already.


Sent from my iPhone

No gain

"A family outing".
That's what he called our day out today. He said it can't be a date unless one of us deems it so.
Excuse me, but What?
He was actually good on his word today, on time as well to take us to the amusement park (mostly Jaiden, I was invited along because, and this is his wording, "I wanted you there too and I thought you'd want to come.") We spent all day going on rides, taking pictures of her on each ride, and one of us was on a ride with her that required an adult.
His closeness hurt. EDIT: The several compliments of how good I looked in my dress. The hugs, the kisses on my cheeks, my head, forehead. The tender touch on my arm as he asked if I had a good time, at the night's end. And yet, he feels still he made the right decision. He said he didn't leave us...he just broke up with me. And we have to 'get along for Jaiden whether we like it or not'. I beg to differ.
I just can't bring myself to outwardly voice that ...difference yet. Why? I still feel.
Once it's over and I'm dead inside, I won't feel anything and I can say how I...what I think.

Right now I'm dealing with all this inner emotional toil, a broken ..no..a shredded heart..and my parents and I just aren't seeing eye to eye. So that is just chaos all over. OH. AND he made me get a ticket on my car tonight because he didn't listen when I said it's a PAY PARK. Bu the took the ticket and said he'd take care of it.

I can't win.
The person I want doesn't want me, but wants to pretend we're a happy family and my family thinks I'm giving in too much to him.
His stuff is still here, too. And I reminded him again that it has to go. He said he'd come tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.
I look at it as ..I got to spend a good afternoon and evening with my daughter whom I love with all my heart.

Edit:
And now we have plans to go to the beach next Saturday.
What the hell is going on.