What I did wrong. What I've done wrong to deserve this life. Was I cruel in a past life? Was I mean? Truthfully I must be paying for some past mistake in this life because I don't deserve the cards I've been dealt. I know there are those worse off than me. And my scenario can get worse. He made me so empty. So shallow. He took everything bad in his past and inflicted me with the wrath they should have faced. And that wrath has caused my niceness. My love. My innocence to twist into this form of loving misery. I wish he would break up with me because I can't leave. I wish I could tell him I'm only here because I have no where else to go. No where else to be. It's half true. This place is mine. I worked damn hard to be on my own. To have my own place. It's why I've been on my own since an early age. I like being self sufficient. I like having mine so no one can TAKE it away from me. And now? It can be because of how I've felt. How I feel. I lose a hard earned place and hard earned money if I'm honest with the situation at hand. I wish I'd never went back that night. To confess to something only I knew. I wish I'd never called. Never ran. Never went to him.
So many people seem to be in emotional turmoil and I can only say "God never deals that which you can't handle. He hasn't ignored or abandoned you. " but I wish I believed it as wholeheartedly as I say it. He seems to be throwing me at all these hurdles. Why isn't he testing him in the same?
"if you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. If you're not into yoga. If you have half a brain. " everyone wants an "escape" but what are we running to? Something better? Worse? The song depicts that everything he wanted was right next to him. He just never took the time to see it. And when he went looking ... There she was all along.
That won't be me. If I'm gone. It's for good. I don't want him back.
I'll never understand why I'm here. Why I stayed. I just know. I want out now.
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Stubbornness and selfishness hurts. Sin splashes. The hurt you are feeling is not because you are being punished for this life or the last. God doesn't punish but he does try to get your attention. The less you listen, the harder life becomes. Perhaps God is trying to save you. Perhaps he is trying to get you to see you deserve to be treated better, by Chris or by someone else if Chris won't listen either.
ReplyDeleteWell if I could I'd ask god to just be a little more direct. And give me strength. I've got patience but this is draining.
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