Scream

Honest to God that's all I wanted to do for the last 2 days. Why? He stayed home! WHY. Doesn't he understand that at times, I hate when he stays home for NO reason? AND when he does, he's so completely useless. It's a giant inconvenience to me for him being here. He throw off my whole day. The last 2 days, all he did ..night and day was play a new game he bought. He took the screen from my desk and put it on his, completely blocking himself off and just sits in the corner, either on the PS3 or the computer. He won't acknowledge either of us, hasn't showered, won't eat unless I've made himself and BROUGHT it to him which is a bad habit I have but have done and would possibly continue because it's JUST WHO I AM. Ugh.
But all he did was just...sit in that corner. If Jaiden came near him he'd be completely zoned. Or his grunt would be his answer. If she called out for him while I'm playing with her ..after some time he'll lean a tad and say "Oh you're fine."...She'll wander near him saying "Dada, peepee." and he won't hear her. He doesn't GET that if he makes her WAIT she'll go RIGHT ON THE FUCKING FLOOR. if you heard her, move your stupid ass already. She's first. So what if you die in a game or you lose your shit.

He thinks I'm picking on him with the little I do say about it to him, but I'm not. I'm being rather nice. yesterday she was asking for cereal, but he didn't know that. HOW THE HELL do you NOT KNOW what she wants!!! She's your child. She lives in the same apartment. You see her EVERY DAY. I don't...I just don't get it. How don't you KNOW? Wouldn't that be incentive enough to fucking PAY ATTENTION MORE?

This is why I'm very afraid to go back to work. Leaving her here with him will be ..bad. He'll undo everything I've done. I know I'm giving him less credit than he possibly deserves but he deserves none. He's don't nothing to get any. And to find out like this is going to hurt things. He bitches if she's with him for 1 hour. Why? "I can't sleep. She keeps crying. She's giving me a headache." No lie, those have been some of his complaints. Sometimes LESS than an hour, I'll come back. And now that she's amidst potty training? Fuck...I look forward to coming home to hidden piles and puddles. Why? ...Saw it when he lived at him with his parents and all those animals. The puke. The pee. The crap. In his room, on his bed. It was why he was so sick all the time too. And I've told him that. NOW? We have wood floors. I clean them almost every week, on my hands and knees. Every room. Because I know how dirty it can be and how unsanitary it is when she's going through this phase.

If I happen to get this job, and I have to come home to that ..I'll surely lose it. Because then I'll not have the patience to deal with his incompetence. I'll be angry, and I'll end up screaming at him and he'll hate it.
Maybe the fight of 'how much he sucks as a Dad' will come about.
OR
Maybe he might surprise the shit out of me. ..Yeah right. He's going to lodge himself in the computer/game and forget about my kid for the 4 hours, 3-4 times a week that I'll be gone. And I'll be mad. I'll be furious.