Experimenting

I'm laying in bed at 12.30am which is highly unusual for me. But it got me thinking. I'm here because I don't feel good. I don't feel good because of last night ... Which was by no means necessary given that I haven't seen my friends in years. But I hate this feeling. This head aching .. Stomach churning ..nauseous grumpy feeling that tends to last linger than it should. I'm not an avid drinker .. Used to be because my youth could handle it. Now? Not so much. Now I'm scared the day after and questions come to mind.
What did I do?
What did I say?
Where is my car?
How'd I get here?
Why am I naked? Lol.. You catch my drift. I awake paranoid. And I don't want that anymore. I wake up wondering "Was I good? Did I get mean?"
And I think that needs to be remedied with a little abstinence. I don't indulge often but when I do, it's a time that puts fear instead of enjoyment. It leaves questions I would hate to know the answers to. It doesn't interfere with my being a mother. I don't drink in her presence often.
But if I do, it's a beer or so.
Needless to say, I don't want her to remember me that way (I know she don't being that she's 2) but I pride myself on better presentation with my child.

I want to feel better about me. Not worse. Alcohol doesn't help that so today is day 1. How long will I go? I'm unsure. I was initially starting with 1month but I'm going to play it by ear and go as long as I can.
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