to not be mad. Not be mad at anything, really. Nothing worth being mad about at this point, really. Truthfully mad about, anyways. If I'm mad about the things I'm trying not to be mad about it would be like, nit-picking, nagging, unwarranted anger than could be wasted on something or someone else.
To try my best every time that I have to ask and feel like crap for money I won't be spending on myself. When I have to go to work and come back to see he's looking at porn EVERY time and not focusing on Jaiden. Or parked in front a game and she's spilled juice everywhere ...
To know he brought her food but didn't make sure there was dinner for me when I ALWAYS make sure there's food for him.
Every day I lean more and more to wanting to disappear, or to run away. But if I disappear, I leave Jaiden behind. If I run away, I leave my family behind. I feel like I'm begging myself to go from day to day ...the hours are fine. It's knowing every day I come home to..this. I find myself unhappy again. I'm told the porn is a normal thing and god knows I'm trying to overlook it. Sometimes I really wished he'd chosen not to be a part of my life so I don't have to wonder, and worry so much. He's deprived me of SO much. Ruined many special moments I'll never get back with my child. Ruined my first Mother's Day by wanting to take my kid and telling me to spend it alone to just neglecting me as that 'person' in his life. And I base it on the ..incomplete parenting/childhood he himself had. But wouldn't it dawn on someone who grew up without, to give their child more than they had? Better than they had?
Sometimes I think too much about the little things and it just turns into one big thing which in end, sucks.
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