They say life is what you make of it. I say "life...go with it". So many people come through us, take from us, give to us. They do and affect us do widely and differently that it would be so easy to blame others for how life turns out. It would be easy to just say "well if you didn't ..." and up until now, that's been me.
I've been talking to an aunt of mine whom I work with. She's had her own fair share if moments and spells of insanity that make other members of our family think she's off her wits. Needless to say she knows a bit of Chris and I more than any other relative outside of my immediate family. And she gave me one bit of advice "Empower yourself."
Do for you and your daughter.
If he has majority of the financial responsibility at the moment, let him keep it. She knows I paid everything on my own for my pregnancy, all my hospital bills and also I foolishly paid for everything during our first year living together. I didn't save anything. And what I had saved was used.
Empower yourself as a woman.
She knows today was our 4 year anniversary and although she acknowledges Chris as my husband, she knows we aren't married. So when she did ask of our plans to ever get married, I said it wasn't up to me and as far as I knew, he didn't want to.
Her retort? Don't stay too long. If he has to take this many years to decide if I'm good enough to be with, to spend his life with, he doesn't deserve me. I gave him my youth, live and faithfulness. He is still in a place where a decision so easy fails him. There are other men out there who deserve someone like me. Who will treasure me as not only a mother, but as a woman.
She's not a jilted woman either. But she did just mutually divorce her husband of 40+ years because he didn't know what he had. He chose to drink daily. Their kids are grown and gone and it was just them. But he didn't cherish that. He drank and gave the person taking care of him, hell. So she let him go and said "fine, find someone who will take care of you and handle your BS".
She let me know I don't need to rely on anyone to get what I need to get done. I have my family, I have her. It was good to hear. It makes me feel better if and when things start descending faster. Or when I choose to decide to leave, I won't be all alone (which I knew).
Work has been progressing well and I'm happy there. My 3 days a week have increased to 4. My co workers are friendly and it's not a bat shit crazy job. It's 3-4 hours of my time where I'm out of the apartment. Some time where my daughter gets to socialize with others. Some time for me to talk to other adults, other parents.
Somewhere other than here.
Sent from my iPhone
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