My body; a temple.

I've always known just how my parents met. But maybe I didn't know just how. But you hear the stories. Theirs, was one of the story book sorts. My mom was the last daughter of a well respected man in her town, a hard working family, daredevil, bar-bruiser brothers and great sisters. Sisters who migrated abroad early in life, many cousins who married well. My father was the second to last brother of a well-respected man in his town. Many brothers who painted the town red, bruisers, druggies, a father with MANY connections.

Amidst all this nobility ..there was of course, a lot of domestic violence. It seemed to be a staple in each home. Husbands took advantage of their too-good-wives, some had women outside and children to follow suit. The slackers drank their paychecks away and that was life.

They said...my father saw my mother once. Just once. He knew who she was, she knew who he was. Once, was all it took for him to end up at her house, with the words to my grandfather (RIP) .."I want to marry your daughter."....They were both just barely 21? Maybe. My father was a trouble maker and my mother was the good daughter. A natural nurturer. A special breed of woman. But it was arranged, and from the moment it came down to the final hour, she said (and I heard this depiction many years later)...she didn't want to marry him. She could spy him from a hole in the floor of their home and she just ...Cold feet perhaps? Who knows.



Watching my parents as I grew, I vowed I'd never let a man hit me. Ever. I'd quicker kill him than allow it to happen. Needless to say, my father did hit my mother, and back then, we were too young, too small to stand up to him, for her, with her. As the years rolled by and we moved to the States, my father and I butted heads a few times, and in that; being that I moved out early in my life, he'd take some of that aggravation out on her. We never let him live it down. I've gone toe-to-toe with him on several occasions and will again.

But with that my mother stuck it out with him for whatever her reasons, I took it upon my self to live my romantic life almost the same way. One boy, one girl. Most of my relatives are the same, they've been married for 50..60 years and had that history together. The men now look onto their wives and KNOW, not think, but know the shit they put up with for those decades. The shit they endured with children and jobs, and the drama. Maybe some of them would appreciate it now, and then others would revel in that aged arrogance they are now marinated into.

Because of that; I guess I never allowed myself to become physically attached to many men. Chris is my second of just the two in my life. My ex was my first. But I had met Chris first. I had that same sight. I saw him and I felt something. I knew i wanted to be with him. But he didn't see me the same, maybe. Or so I believed. Because I moved on after I told him I liked him (yeah it was pretty sappy the way I did it.) but he just didn't get it. And I let go. Not completely because I kept his number and I wrote about him a few times while my life had unraveled with another. And in that unraveling did I fall back into Chris. He caught me and held me under the salvation of his own rooftop of safety as my world came crashing down. He would ward his creepy friends away from me because he wanted me for himself.

He said everything a man would say for a woman to just crumble for him. He waited for years and until I was no longer attached to someone else to tell me how he felt, how long he'd felt that way and just how he felt. Cliche to the WORD.

I mean, I partied like a mother fucker while I was growing up and after I moved out. I worked hard for a great income and I partied every weekend. BUT I never once brought a guy home with me or went home with another. I danced my ass off at clubs, at house partied, at the bars. Whatever. But I never gave my number out, I never kissed enough to tell (or not tell) and I never allowed myself to be taken advantage of. In any way. I never got emotionally attached to any of those people because my focus was on me. My life, my family and my body was something SO sacred to me. Would be something special to the man I decided to spend the rest of my life with, would be something I gave to him and only him.

I wasn't a prude but I wasn't a flirt. I wasn't a tease. I was out to have a good time, not fill a void in my life. because to me, back then, my life was complete. I had a great family that supported me, a place I could call my own and a car that I could be where I wanted, when I wanted. I didn't go to school and get my degrees like everyone else. I missed out on the college experience but I experienced life.

And once I decided to be with that one person back then, I thought it was the right time, because I was ready to be with him for the long haul. 2 years down the road, when he decided to mess hi life up, I was strong enough then, though not independent as I was, considering I had just been laid off from my first and only job after 14 years. I left. And then I went back, and I left again. With no aching heart of what if. I was saddened, yes. But it's now 4 years later and I hadn't looked back as much as him. He's still waiting for me.

Now, I'm lovestruck on the seemingly wrong person who under appreciates me. I'd drained 5 years into a relationship that hasn't changed save for my giving us our daughter. Needless to say. I worked hard at my personal life. I cherished my body though I didn't treat it as a temple. I drank like a fiend and I partied with the rest of them. But I worked out like a beast. I enjoyed my life growing up and I admired my choices then. I like that I was careful with the men I chose but not necessarily the men I chose. Lol.

But I'm not dead in the ground yet. I want to pass that strength on to my daughter, to love herself and her body like I did mine. To care for it as it will become and to make sure others respect it. Because if she doesn't, no one else would see why they should.

Fear of an unknown.

My friend's last entry made me want to share it with Jaiden's father. Why? Fear. Fear that this is what could possibly happen to my own child in the future if he doesn't get his act together. And I know how he would take it. As a grand assault on him personally. Like he would DO something along those lines to cause out child to make such decisions based on him, perse. And it wouldn't be like that.

It would just mean she's learning what a lot of things are with the way WE are. HOW we are. How we act. She's already seen us fight once and now every time we're together and talk, she assumes we're arguing and she says "Stop fighting." ..it's gone as far as her saying it at my parents' home while she slept over there. He seems to either thing I'm challenging him or it's something personal. And maybe in hindsight I want him to wake up and realize just the type of parent he is and the parenting, or lack thereof, that he does, WILL in fact affect this child.

So after some contemplation, I decided against it. I decided to just keep my thoughts to myself and my focus on me and my kid. Why? It's really all I can do. She said it best in saying "It's not my job."...and in all actuality, it's not. I do what I need to do. But I can't be Daddy too, I can only hope I do the right things, make the right choices when it comes down to things that affect us both. That means where we live, my job, her education and my love life, if there ever is to be one. I can show her how much a mother, a woman can love herself, by pampering me, and being good to me, in hopes that she will know what a woman truly deserves. But what comes from a man, a father, even a love, would be something entirely different.

If her father isn't around she'll do those attention seeking things....and then trouble would have been birthed. I despise failure but I accept that to get up is to have fallen and learned at some point. So you learn to stand up and dust off, and move forward. Some single parents are lucky enough for their children to learn better than they were taught. Sons know how to treat women because their mothers and sisters were MISTREATED, and they know that they would never cause such hurt. Women ..mothers and sisters, and daughters would know better when their own are used and discarded simply because they were too much of an easy accessible person.

But majority of people, aren't that fortunate. My mother has only ever been with one man, and that's where I fall short Because I feel one man should be enough. One man should be it. I didn't date til late in the game, I didn't spread my legs for every John out there. And I loved genuinely. I give freely and honestly. I do what I would want done for me. And I'm being failed. I'm falling short. And my daughter will either, 1 - see her father as someone who never did anything for her mother and was selfish in his own ways...or 2 - do the exact same thing.


If she does the first, maybe she'll know she deserves better and maybe she'll know not to waste time on someone who doesn't want her, or doesn't want to really commit to her. I know she won't stay a virgin forever, or even to her 20s like I did. But I would hope she's a lot smarter in that aspect of her life. Because it would be just that. I can't control her. My choices need to be ones that can benefit her.

But then...why does it have to be ALL me? I could do all of that and her father could pick some whore who shows her the opposite of everything I've done. Unfurl every layer I've carefully laid in place ....
Or maybe it could just be her father. In his past he's not...he used women. I'll put it at that. He was cheated on by his first girlfriend and he forgave her. But then he did the same thing to her. His father cheated on his mother. She stayed. His first brother in law cheated on his sister, she LEFT.And since then, he's always been unfa--well that would be wrong in the word because he never really committed to any of them. He just didn't commit to any of them and saw a number of them at a time.

And I knew all this from the get-go so maybe my woes are my fault. But he knew the person I was. I was that great girl in the friend zone. the girl he wanted silently while he saw two others. The friend he told his troubles to when those two were ..not the flavor of the week.
Now it's no longer about me. But my kid.

A new face.

My work life has been awesome. Hours are short but fun and staff has changed. Kyle, the one male co-worker I had, has left after 6+ years. Moved on to bigger and better, so we hope. He's been studying to become a personal trainer. Took and passed the test recently after months of diligent studying. I think I've told Chris he's gone. I'm unsure if he recalls or acknowledges it. He still makes the same jokes he did when we did work together. It's ok though. All in good humor, at least that's how I take it. I'd met his replacement last Monday. This was our second day working together. Tonight will be our third. But on that first day we seemed to just out pour into the other about ourselves, our lives. Our pasts. It was momentarily confusing, to just release to someone you've JUST met.

She's 31, mother of 3, 2 different fathers. Her first's dad passed away before she was born. She's now 11. Her other two kids, boy, 7 and little girl, 2 share the same dad I believe. BUT he was very abusive towards her. So her son is displaying the same aggressive, angry traits. I felt for her. To be dealing with all that. She's got her hands full. Now; her fiance is a completely different person from her previous husband. He's a prince to her and treats her like a princess. They're getting married in a couple months. She showed and asked my opinion of a choice of wedding dress she was looking at. A destination wedding in the Bahamas. Again, my heart was swollen with jealousy and yet happiness for her.

She deserved every ounce of happiness she had in her life now because she's been through more than I could imagine. Last night she texts me; she needs a friend. She said she has none here because she left them all back where she used to live, where she used to work. The same establishment, different facility, some ways from here. Everything was different about it; which in turn made the job itself different. She had people she could talk to, people she could rely on ..coworkers who she could have fun with. And I felt great knowing that. Knowing I made someone else enjoy what they did, where they were. Because I know what it's like to hate who you work with, hate where you are, and what you're doing simply BECAUSE people make you hate it.

She needed a work out friend. She wanted to get together outside of work. Have a drink, some coffee. A play date for our daughters. It's only Tuesday so I hadn't committed to anything yet. But I didn't deny. Maybe I'm not used to someone wanting to spend time with me like that, someone wanting my friendship AND working at it. I wouldn't mind trying but I think I might suck at it. In my current company I've become lazy ...maybe.

This girl deserves a friend and I can be a great friend. So I'm willing to try ...

My friend

It takes a lot for me to use that word towards another. Most of the time when I reference someone I say something along the lines of "Someone I know.." or "Someone from work"..or anything nearing those words. Because to me, a friend is a lot more. And that word, means more. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's a lot of other things. I've met thousands of people in my life. Not hundreds. But thousands. I've impacted most of them in a positive way, I think.For most, I've been a strong supporter, a strong shoulder, a silent yet sturdy ear, a piece of something for them to hold on to as they drift, or when they feel they're being pulled under. Something to keep them afloat.

I could say more but who's to say what they really think of me. It might be more and it might be none of those things. But what I always strive to do, for my FRIENDS, is be there. In thought, in prayer, in voice and in person if possible. But God has granted me limited funds in this life, so the latter is near impossible at times. Technology has allowed me almost all of the others mentioned. I trust that my friends would and will always know that I am ALWAYS there for them. In good times and in bad.

And I would do what I can, whatever in my power, to help them rise above whatever trials and tribulations they face.

One of my friends, a dear one at that, is going through a rather tough and disheartening situation. She is someone I met under circumstances I still cannot believe and through so many words, thoughts, prayers, we've become close friends. It's someone who all physical contact with have been denied and our friendship is justly based on ..us. Her momentary place in life is one of great difficulty. One I hope I, nor any mother for that matter, would ever have to face. But she is already in it, and so I wish with all my heart, she and her daughter, find solace, if not with each other, but with their oncoming decisions, steps, changes, in life. We cannot live for another. We cannot choose for another, no matter how much we want to. And we cannot protect those who walk unarmed and blood drenched, into a lair of hungry cannibals. We can only live and choose for one and one alone. The first one who always counts. Ourselves. As a parent, as any role, we need to be first in order to help any other. Of sound mind ..body, soul and spirit. We need to be above 50% or we cannot hope to give any source of aid.

An empty glass cannot quench that of a thirsty man.

I wish I could be there for her to just talk to, to lean on, to cry on, because sometimes, ..all we need is someone to listen. No words, just open arms, a warming embrace. Somewhere to hide into. Bury ourselves within. But I would hope she knows that even though thousands of miles separate us, I am still there. Though arms will not find a comforting embrace physically, my thoughts and hopes are with her. Soothing and calming. I know she's got other friends but...I have very few. So those feelings are genuine....
I guess friendship to me is along the lines of being in love. You can't fall in love with 10 people the same way. Maybe ..one or two in a lifetime...so you know it's real.
You, my friend, are strong, stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Tears are not signs of failure but signs of prevailing.

I said it.

I admitted to myself today that I hate my life. I hate where I am in this life. I said it out loud, and not to myself. I said it as I was exiting the car to my Dad before he drove away with my daughter for the next 5 hours.

But I was wrong. I don't hate my life. That part of my life driving off, I love it because it's unconditional and always. Not because it's family but because it would do ANYTHING for me. My parents, my brother and my daughter is really all I have. Hands down, no doubt about it. My daughter doesn't know it yet because she's so young.

What I left behind? 
Someone who isn't selfish, but who doesn't think enough about anything to begin with.
Someone who isn't controlling, but has no opinion about anything.
Someone who isn't angry, but doesn't show much emotion at all.
Someone who didn't leave, but isn't really here as often as he is sitting in the room.
Someone who puts on a good show but isn't much to look at initially.
Someone who doesn't care enough about himself thus, doesn't give anything or others much thought.
Someone who won't say 'No' but won't say 'Yes' either.


I've tolerated a lot from him, only because change is hard. You can't change over night if you want to, but when you try, believe me, I give props where it's due. I acknowledge change, attempts, and I praise. One would even go far enough to say I've bragged, a little.
But when my daughter has to go 5 hours without eating, or cries when the TV is shut off simply because I haven't been home to spend time with her/I'm working a couple hours more or longer, something is drastically wrong.

Scenario 1.
I'd been working double shifts In November and December often. Come December, Chris is able to take a week off BEFORE his vacation time for Christmas. So for those 2 weeks, I pulled a lot of extra hours and he was here with her. I'd go to work, come home, he's on the PC, make lunch and go to work, he's on the PC, come back and he's on the PC.

One day, same scenario. Only when I made lunch, I served it to Jaiden with instructions that he HAS TO SIT with her to make sure she eats. Said he would. Come home at 9pm, that plate I left at 345pm is STILL there where I left it.
"Did she eat?
Yes.
What'd she have?
She had some toast.."

Meandered to the kitchen, no sign of food being made or BEEN made after I'd left.
"...um, how'd you make the toast..
Ok. I lied...she didn't eat.."

Are you serious? Your staring at the computer all day and all night and can't leave for 20 minutes to make sure your kid eats? OR make her something. AND LIE about feeding her? Really?

Scenario 2.
During the day when we're home, I keep the TV off and keep myself occupied with her. No PC, limited phone use if any. Just me, her, some books, crayons, blocks, toys, whatever. Today I watched my kid CRY when I turned the TV off and said "Let's play."....why? It's what she does when I'm not here and he's with her. She's lost in the TV while he's LOST in the PC or game or whatever. Like, mouth agape, head cocked...unblinking...unphased. EVERY night I return home from work she's in front the TV or the couch, lost..and he's on the PC or game...Did she eat? I'll never know because he won't tell me the truth, I trust that much. So I have to come home and handle dinner like a single mom.

Should I be going through all this aggravation for someone who 1. doesn't want to try in this relationship or 2. enjoys being a part-time-parent? I don't think so. I really don't. And as much as I see the good, the bad catches up to remind me.
Whenever I think it's getting better, it just gets 10xs worse than it was. And almost everyone that SEES it or knows what's going on really thinks I should get away. I'm bored with how monotone things are and he's fine. He's fine not going out, not having dinner, not buying me flowers. He's fine with this...boring life. And when I try to change things, he gets mad. Like I did something wrong.

Losing my head in the clouds again

And I'm finding grey clouds. Not that there's anything wrong with grey clouds, because I love a cloudy day but that's besides the point. I'm faced with some new choices within the next month or two.

1. My lease agreement will be here and WE need to decide if it's something we want to renew. In the same decision, we need to decide if his parents buying a house is still in the cards come April. And if it is, we need to plan for the next year. With that being said.

2. If it is...the house that is, will we be getting married. I mean...


I'm confused as to how to approach things. If he wants to stay with me, we can't leave for another year. Which means we can't start looking for a house until the END of the year or close to the start of NEXT year. UNLESS we look NOW. But a month or two isn't enough time. And if he doesn't want to stay with me, we need to decide that now too, so I don't resign the lease and we can go our separate ways in April. It's either REALLY long term, or really Short term and I'm ...confused how to set things in motion.

He knows I ...well, I'm pretty sure he knows, I won't live with him in a house his parents buy if we aren't married. I know he doesn't want to remain here because this place is driving us both crazy with it's every changing rules and regulations. Rent goes up yearly. The longer we stay the tighter things become as we acquire more crap and Jaiden gets older.

Also I'd like to sit his parents down so they know OUR financial status seeing as how they didn't ask before. They didn't even approach us or me correctly, if I may say so. They just said "hey ..let's buy you guys a house. Jaiden gets her own room, a back yard" blah blah blah. They don't know what debts I have, if any, they don't know my credit score, they don't even know Chris' or his financial status of things. He thinks his bonus in March will help a great deal but money is easy come, easy go. Out your hand in someone else's pocket just as quick as it came, ya know.
Is this the right time to bring things up? Is this the ..right way?

I feel like it's an ultimatum that was bound to happen seeing as how things have taken this long.
I even thought about taking him out for dinner, maybe a drink and discussing things. Letting him choose if he wants to be with me VS not. Having it written then offering the envelope of what he chooses. I'd never let him see the other.
And if Yes - saying we get married in a certain amount of time, no expensive ceremony, no expensive ring, just something to signify the vows we make. We start saving for this house plan and we make changes that will HELP us.
And if No - he moves out before we resign, and go our separate ways, we go to court to get shared custody of Jaiden and settle on child support. Case closed.

Does it seem rash? I don't know.
I don't want to be his girlfriend anymore. 30 is hitting me hard with these weird ideas lately. This really isn't where I wanted to be in life. And to devote 5 years to one man who gave himself partially to others only to be told he's just not sure, or he doesn't know..it's fair any more.

I'm reaching my cusp of just how much more I can take...
And now I'm trying to figure out what decisions to make.

A longing

That's how I've been feeling lately. With all the help I've been giving to my parents in trying to get their personal things collected, the added stress of whatever new bad news that follow from unrevealed circumstances, their final decision is one I neither agree nor disagree with but see it as the best alternative. Through years of striving, failing to make ends meet, unstable jobs due to no green card for how many years and then after, some poor decisions due to pride, my dad is now forced to file for bankruptcy. Through the years I've done my best to help when I can, shit, I still do now. I've watched them lose 1 car which would have been paid off in less than 3 months if we had the money to continue the payments, and another due to my brother's ego.

Now they're being held up on their rent and faced with legal fees, court complaints and the like. It's currently not pretty. My mother was the only one working for a long time, to support them. They tried consolidating bills, programs but it eventually all became too much.

I've been helping gather the information, reading and responding to majority of all the legal paperwork try receive. And it's not a burden, just overwhelming at the moment.

It's like, when I think it's getting just a little better, something worse comes in the mail. And I'm disheartened. They can't catch a break no matter how hard they try. And I know they're trying, and tired now.

I know they know the pressure. But I wouldn't change my being there to help them through this. Just, no more bad news, please.

I want them to lay in bed at done point, at ease and a sense of knowing as bad as it is that it IS getting better. They aren't trying in vain anymore.
I know we all have a sense of longing for this to end at some point do they can relax. So they aren't always under pressure.

I long for them to be just a little stress free. And to be able to enjoy it.

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