My friend's last entry made me want to share it with Jaiden's father. Why? Fear. Fear that this is what could possibly happen to my own child in the future if he doesn't get his act together. And I know how he would take it. As a grand assault on him personally. Like he would DO something along those lines to cause out child to make such decisions based on him, perse. And it wouldn't be like that.
It would just mean she's learning what a lot of things are with the way WE are. HOW we are. How we act. She's already seen us fight once and now every time we're together and talk, she assumes we're arguing and she says "Stop fighting." ..it's gone as far as her saying it at my parents' home while she slept over there. He seems to either thing I'm challenging him or it's something personal. And maybe in hindsight I want him to wake up and realize just the type of parent he is and the parenting, or lack thereof, that he does, WILL in fact affect this child.
So after some contemplation, I decided against it. I decided to just keep my thoughts to myself and my focus on me and my kid. Why? It's really all I can do. She said it best in saying "It's not my job."...and in all actuality, it's not. I do what I need to do. But I can't be Daddy too, I can only hope I do the right things, make the right choices when it comes down to things that affect us both. That means where we live, my job, her education and my love life, if there ever is to be one. I can show her how much a mother, a woman can love herself, by pampering me, and being good to me, in hopes that she will know what a woman truly deserves. But what comes from a man, a father, even a love, would be something entirely different.
If her father isn't around she'll do those attention seeking things....and then trouble would have been birthed. I despise failure but I accept that to get up is to have fallen and learned at some point. So you learn to stand up and dust off, and move forward. Some single parents are lucky enough for their children to learn better than they were taught. Sons know how to treat women because their mothers and sisters were MISTREATED, and they know that they would never cause such hurt. Women ..mothers and sisters, and daughters would know better when their own are used and discarded simply because they were too much of an easy accessible person.
But majority of people, aren't that fortunate. My mother has only ever been with one man, and that's where I fall short Because I feel one man should be enough. One man should be it. I didn't date til late in the game, I didn't spread my legs for every John out there. And I loved genuinely. I give freely and honestly. I do what I would want done for me. And I'm being failed. I'm falling short. And my daughter will either, 1 - see her father as someone who never did anything for her mother and was selfish in his own ways...or 2 - do the exact same thing.
If she does the first, maybe she'll know she deserves better and maybe she'll know not to waste time on someone who doesn't want her, or doesn't want to really commit to her. I know she won't stay a virgin forever, or even to her 20s like I did. But I would hope she's a lot smarter in that aspect of her life. Because it would be just that. I can't control her. My choices need to be ones that can benefit her.
But then...why does it have to be ALL me? I could do all of that and her father could pick some whore who shows her the opposite of everything I've done. Unfurl every layer I've carefully laid in place ....
Or maybe it could just be her father. In his past he's not...he used women. I'll put it at that. He was cheated on by his first girlfriend and he forgave her. But then he did the same thing to her. His father cheated on his mother. She stayed. His first brother in law cheated on his sister, she LEFT.And since then, he's always been unfa--well that would be wrong in the word because he never really committed to any of them. He just didn't commit to any of them and saw a number of them at a time.
And I knew all this from the get-go so maybe my woes are my fault. But he knew the person I was. I was that great girl in the friend zone. the girl he wanted silently while he saw two others. The friend he told his troubles to when those two were ..not the flavor of the week.
Now it's no longer about me. But my kid.
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